American Idol Judge Fumbles National Anthem

-Boston

American Idol Judge Steven Tyler personified irony on Sunday, when he kerfumbled ‘n bumbled a wretched rendition of the national anthem at a New England Patriots game. Looking more like a homeless-die-hard-Patriot-fan-grandma-in-a-winter coat-stolen-from-a-dumpster than a rock star, Tyler dryheaved out a raspy off-key mess that some are calling the WORST EVER. 

In all reality, though, he was about on par with the average American Idol contestant. 

Where’s Simon Cowell with his blunt force critiques when you really need him? 

Marky Mark’s Cranium to be Surgically Removed from Anus

-Planet Wahlberg

Marky Mark’s head crawled even further up his anus last week when snippets from his recent interview with Men’s Journal hit the web. With unabashed action star arrogance, Marky urped this gem of sensitivity all over the victims of 9/11:

“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did,” Wahlberg said. “There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”

It is unclear if the passengers in coach would be left to fend for themselves. 

What a marvel of delusion. 

I just. Can’t. 

Following the understandable wave of outraged WTF’s that proceeded to roll through blogland, Donny’s d-bag kid brother called his publicist for help removing his head from his rectum. His paid mouthpiece released this excuse for an apology to all those wimplings he offended: 

“To speculate about such a situation is ridiculous to begin with, and to suggest I would have done anything differently than the passengers on that plane was irresponsible. I deeply apologize to the families of the victims that my answer came off as insensitive, it was certainly not my intention.”

It is not known if his publicist is part of the Funky Bunch. 

With his head now stuffed further up his colon, he took the apology tour on the road while simultaneously promoting his new movie, Contraband. How’s that for multi-tasking? 

“It wasn’t like all of a sudden I just decided that I was going to get on this soapbox and start talking about my opinion about 9/11, you know?” 

Really? Because you totally did. 

The Wahlberg empire has scheduled for Marky’s cranium to be surgically removed from his anus early next week. If the surgery is unsuccessful and Marky’s film career dies, he plans to fall back on his legendary rapping career. If all else fails, he can return to modeling Calvin Klein underwear. Hes multi-talented. 

Checking in on the Narcissistic Mess That Is Crazy Anthony

Yup. Still a self absorbed mess.

R.I.P. Caylee

Silver Linings Everywhere

-Hell on Earth

1. Note to self: NEVER get murdered in Florida. 

2. Our Soon-to-be-Unshackled Damsel of Doritos faces quite the conundrum.  As it turns out, Joe Public is not exactly cool with the whole “unleashing a babykilling sociopath” thing, and has launched a rocketful of death threats in her direction, and now the homicidal harlot is forced to consider plastic surgery for her own safety. She reportedly dismissed the notion immediately. Not My Pretty Pony! No ugly surgeon’s scalpel of jealousy will touch the most beautiful horse face that has ever been. Nay, public disguises are the only option. But even then, the world will be denied the ocular blessing of a pint-size “perfect 10″ equine with the eyes of the devil. Problems, problems. Join me in a round of “Nobody Knows the Troubles I’ve Seen,” on her behalf.  

3. If you ever have to perjure yourself, just do it in a Florida courtroom during a capital murder case. Preferably when the prosecution is trying to establish premeditation on a first degree murder charge. They’re totally cool with it there. Just say you’re doing it out of grief, like any good mother would. Nancy Grace might even treat you to a spa day for it. 

4. Apparently Zenaida also taught Stringbean Simms how to use a hair straightener. 

5. John Morgan fears that upon her release, the trollop will make a James Bond getaway in a penis-shaped racecar, and forever play hooky from her deposition for the Zenaida Gonzales civil suit.  So he filed an emergency motion to compel, which basically means, “Judge, tell this b*tch to show up.” And since Casey has a history of respecting rules and authority figures, we can rest assured she’ll be there. 

6. Tim Miller of Texas Equsearch also took a place in line to sue The Creature. He wasted $112,000 searching for a baby Casey now admittedly knew was dead. He turned away 15 other families with real missing children to help the Scamthonys. Go ahead, defend them. 

7. Never one to fade away into the land of obscure blood-sucking media has-beens, Leonard “YEE-HA” Padilla also had to jump on the civil suit bandwagon.  

8. Donna MacLean of Massechussets told Nancy Grace (and other media jackals with checkbooks) that her deceased son MUST be Caylee’s father, because he was in the southeast quadrant of the country around the time Caylee was conceived. Oh, and she just remembered this week that he told her once he had a secret love child in Orlando with a girl named Casey Anthony. For seriously. And why waste time on a boring DNA test before running to the media with this hot bombshell? 

9. If you are ever faced with death threats for helping a killer go free and living off a tragedy, be sure to drive your new, incognito, bright red Jeep (courtesy your murdered granddollar) all over town. I hear Home Depot is a great hideout. And don’t be afraid to get feisty with the annoying, intrusive media you’ve been coveting the last three years. Driving away with no comment is for people in fear for their lives. 

10. Officers are currently wading knee-deep in Laura Buchanan’s mistruths, half truths, and possible document forgings, trying to suss out any witness tampering issues. Good luck with that mess. 

“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” – Edmund Burke

Even More Whirling Dervish Chronicles

-Hell on Earth

1. Word of the week: 
FLABBERGASTED- dumbfounded 

2. How many Floridians does it take to comprehend “reasonable” doubt?  Apparently about as many as it takes to figure out how to fill out a voting ballot (see 2000 election recall).  Twelve lobotomized fools from Pinellas County with the collective attention span of a dustmite took a whopping ten hours of their time to ponder the avalanche of evidence against Casey Anthony before aquitting her of babykilling. I’ve seen people take more time debating what brand of dental floss to buy. While it’s unclear exactly what these village idiots were doing during deliberations, we can definitely rule out glancing at their doodle-filled notebooks, asking to look at evidence, and seeking clarifications of any kind.

3.  Rather than “contribute to the media circus” with a standard post-verdict press conference, jurors opted to split town immediately after their controversial decision, one of them even holding out for a 5-figure payout. But others were gracious enough to give private interviews. “We were sick to our stomachs over the verdict,” said deeply distressed juror #3, after an all-expenses paid trip to Disney World, courtesy of ABC. “None of us think she’s innocent,” she despaired, as Mickey Mouse played the world’s saddest violin behind her. 

4. The ever-classy defense team thoughtfully acknowledged “there is no real victory here,” just before sprinting to the nearest bar to celebrate Casey-style with champagne, in full view of the media. Dotty Simms jumped up and down like a giddy school girl in dire need of a toilet, while Cheney Mason gave the press the middle finger. It is unknown if Jose Baez competed in a Hot Body contest in Casey’s honor. 

5. The public quickly vomited their rage all over any agency offering to line the homicidal harlot’s hotpants with more blood money.  Her dreams of cashing in on infamy were completely dashed when she was rejected by BOTH her top choices: the porn industry and Jerry Springer. WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS THIS WASTE OF FLESH QUALIFIED FOR? 

6. Some brainiac on the defense team thought it would be a great idea to send the most hated woman in America to live with long lost relatives in Texas, a state where everyone and their uncle carries a loaded gun. Legally. Awesome. 

7.  Upon realizing the bitter truth that baby killing sluts aren’t too marketable these days, and that an angry mob bearing pitchforks and torches will likely follow her wherever she goes, her lawyers announced she will spend time in a mental health facility “to grieve the death of her daughter.” We all know what that means: Hawaiian Spa Vacation, with an endless stream of Mai-Tais. As tipsy grief expert Sally Karioth testified, it ain’t mourning unless there’s booze and a string bikini somewhere in the mix. 

8. Cheney Mason took to the airwaves to bully the talking head lawyers critical of his client, and his court performance. The pompous windbag failed to mention he himself was among the critical talking heads before he hopped on the money train. Ass. 

9. Mama Gremlin Cindy might just get arrested for perjury over that whole chloroform/chlorophyll Google search fiasco. She might spend 15 years in jail for a b*tch who wouldnt even look at her in court. But the real question is, what effect will it have on her book sales? 

10. The odious creature will be deposed by Morgan and Morgan on Joo-lie 16 for the Zenaida Gonzalez civil suit. Tim Miller and Jesse Grund are also in line  to sue this b*tch, but they’re all gonna have to wait, cuz she has wet T-shirt contests to compete in! Shes gotta make money somehow, and she’s clearly not into the whole “work” thing. 

Dispatches From Planet Anthony

-Portal to Insanity

1. Sources say Jose took one bong hit too many before work. His neurons threw up all over themselves trying to build cohesive sentences, leaving him sputtering choppy ummms and uhhhs while generally butchering the English language and stepping all over his tongue. 

2. Baez Quote of the Day:
Tough call with the plethora of linguistic gems Jose dropped, but for me its a tie between “The truth stops here,” and “Who cut the cheese.”

3. After spending the whole trial denying Caylee’s remains were ever in the trunk, and attacking the State’s “junk science” experts that proved otherwise, Jose The Hemorrhoid On The A$$ Of  Humanity kerfumbled ‘n bumbled an admission the body was, in fact, in the trunk. 

4. According to the defense, George used duct tape once. And since he’s not willing to face jail time and  anti-pedophile fever all so Casey can get away with murdering his grandchild, he’s a d*ck of a father. So he must’ve done it. Reasonable doubt. Dig it. 

5.  Jeff Ashton couldn’t hold it in anymore and finally disintegrated into the giggles. 

6. Daffy coot Cheney Mason rambled incoherently for a spell.  Most spectators could only make out something about finding his father lighting candles, and Atticus Finch asking him what he should do. Oh, and it would be unAmerican to convict this lying slut. So be a patriot. Go America!

7. Linda Drane Burdick has a remarkable poker face. 

8. After placing a gold tinsel halo atop his greasy head, Jose informed the jury that everybody but him jumped into this high-profile case for money and publicity. Thunder rumbled from the heavens above the courthouse. 

9.  The Snarling Beast at the defense table put on her best Angelina Jolie Pout for the jury. All it did was draw attention to her strange chimpanzee mouth. 

10.  Jose referred to his client as a “lying slut,” not one, not two, but three whole times. It is unclear if he will use this character assessment while pleading for Casey’s life when the jury comes back with a Murder One conviction. 

The Whirling Dervish Chronicles

-Planet Anthony

The latest in the unruly whirling dervish that is the Casey Anthony trial:

1. Two greasy, cartoonesque private investigators set out on a bodyhunting adventure in Autumn of 2008, and were even bright enough to videotape the whole sordid mess. According to gritty documentary director Jim Hoover, Cindy Anthony ordered their tour through the swamp. But according to Weepy Lee, Cindy Anthony was the one who ordered the bobbleheaded duo to walk the woods. Even more confusing, Officer Yuri Melich testified that Cindy Anthony stated she ordered her bumbling minion P.I.s to investigate the woods in November.  

However, according to Cindy Anthony on the stand, it wudn’t her.

Okey-dokey. That clears that up.

2. The defense went to great lengths to establish through Dr. Bock that Caylee’s remains were placed in the swamp just two weeks before they were found in December. Then they went to great lengths to establish through Roy Kronk that the remains were definitely there in August. Then they established they are officially braindead. 

3. ***jazzhands*** Sally the Certified Traumatologist ****jazzhands****
A drunk Sally Jessy Rafael impersonator sashayed up to the witness stand and set the record straight about normal grieving behavior. Take notes for future reference. Dancin and partyin are clear signs of deep distress. Lyin and sluttin it up are obvious displays of mourning.  In short, anything and everything Casey did in those 31 days was totally consistent with a grieving mother who knew her baby was rotting in a swamp, says Sensational Stoner Sally under her spotlight. It must be true, she’s an expert. Just ask her “peer review journals” at Barnes and Noble, or Parenting magazine. 

4. The pouty Elvira impersonator at the defense table shed a lonely tear at Stoner Sally’s dramatic interpretation of her sad grievin ways, but glared frozen death rays at her broken father as he crumpled into a heap of despair testifying about his suicide attempt following Caylee’s death. 

5.  River Cruz/Krystal Holloway/ whatever stripper name she’s going by this week, testified that she sold her story to the upstanding National Enquirer tabloid because they “wouldn’t make her sound like trash.” Then directly after her testimony, she was kind enough to sit down for a national interview with judgmental mainstream media member Vinnie Politan.

6.  Baez and Mason were too distracted one morning by the annoying, intrusive media in front of the courthouse to use the private “lawyer’s entrance” in back, and came strolling into court about thirty minutes late to argue a critical motion. 

7. An unhappy TGIF waiter flipped off Ashton in open court.  It is unclear if the issue was prompted by Ashton failing to tip him at lunch.   

8.  The Snarling Beast did not take the stand to lie on her own behalf, and get shredded by the State on cross-exam. Buzzkill. 

9. Jose is the gift that keeps on giving for the State. He boldly established the Anthony family tradition of burying deceased pets in blanket lined trash bags sealed with duct tape.  Those people sure had a LOT of dead pets.  Side eye at the known killer in the family. 

10. Nancy Grace officially announced she would commit perjury for her children, putting herself in the same class as ENABLER Sindy Anthony. Geez, she really wants that interview…..

Hurricane Casey Highlights

hurricane Casey Highlights

-Planet Anthony

The latest highlights from the Force 10 Hurricane that is the Casey Anthony Murder Trial:

1. Cindy’s dog was a-sleepin a lot, which was highly suspicious for some reason. So naturally she assumed he was eating bamboo. Vet, shmet; who needs to call a doctor and get a simple answer when Google has all the reliable info she needs. So she ditched work (a medical facility apparently without computers, or access to info on chloroform or chlorophyll), falsified her time sheets in the process, and drove all the way home to google “chloroform” under Casey’s login on the home computer. Even though she meant to type chlorophyll. But she never actually typed chlorophyll. Or bamboo. Or even something wild like “does bamboo make Yorkies sleepy?” Just chloroform. And the computer must have visited the “How to Make Chloroform” site 84 whole times all on it’s own. She said it under oath, so it must be true.

2. Ladder was up. Ladder was down. Ladder was in a tree. Ladder was on the roof. Ladder was in the trunk. Sunrise. Sunset. Here a ladder, there a ladder, everywhere a pool ladder, everyday of the week. So are the days of the Anthony’s lives.

3.According to Cindy, whose memory is the only one that gets better with time, the stain in the trunk with an outline of a small child in the fetal position was there when they bought the car years ago. You know, the stain that reeks of decomp to this day. However, it is unclear why the smell only started shortly after Caylee’s disappearance. 

4. Woe is Lee. He just wants to be one of the girls. His longstanding chuckles turned to sniffles as he boo-hood to no end, about not getting an invitation to the Homicidal Harlot’s GIRLS ONLY baby shower, and not getting formally clued into the giant fetus shaped No Vacancy sign on Casey’s womb.  No big brothers in the delivery room? What kind of dictatorship is this?!

5. The majority of the Anthonys have chimpanzee mouths. 

6. According to Cindy, a mighty hand sanitizer panic swept the nation in March 2008, prompting her to once again commit payroll fraud, and rush home from work to investigate via Google.  Under Casey’s login. This time, she cut right to the heart of the matter and typed in “alcohol.” Then “acetone.” Why waste precious time with a broad question like “is hand sanitizer safe for kids?”

7.  A badass hawk is watching this circus through the window. Imagine the stories he has for the other hawks. 

8. Nancy Grace is apparently cool with perjury. A mothers grief is now a license to break the law and help free a killer. 

9. The defense may or may not have doctored a photo of Caylee opening the sliding glass door leading to the pool. 

10.  Hdryjwjxhdbj$7hfnsk$jNsncmxjamcnvjfmzbzkm’$b nzn&:’jck” cjdim&ijai

That’s what happened yesterday that caused proceedings to stop. 

Relaxation Tips for Judge Perry

-Orlando, FL

Let’s face it, people: Honorable Badass Belvin Perry looks about THISCLOSE to giving Ignorance Personified (who goes by the alias Jose Baez) an atomic wedgie in court. It’s obvious Judge Perry has his hands full, and his patience is running thin. And who can really blame him? He’s endured two agonizing years of Jose’s chronic idiocy regarding everything judicial, his bloated ego, his contemptuous smirk, and his overall irritating manner of expressing himself.

And that flip-chart and easel.

Insufferable.

But luckily, EggTreeNews is here to help Judge Perry relax and unwind. Come the inevitable next chapter of Jose’s lunacy, he’ll be calm, cool, and under control.

*Exercise is key to stress management. Invest in a quality punching bag, and get your knuckles bloody for 20 minutes every morning before court. When you get to work, stare at Jose while kissing said bloody knuckles.

*To round out the althletic experience, practice yoga. Whenever Jose tries to pull a fast one, just halt the proceedings, and do a series of sun salutations in the courtroom to find your spiritual center. Jeff Ashton (and just about everyone in the room, really) might join you. Go Yogi Perry!

*If anyone deserves to be king for a day after yet another week of circus foolery, it’s you. So treat yourself to a Spa Sunday. You would look ADORABLE in one of those fuzzywuzzy robes, with your feet wrapped in hot towels, while eating peeled grapes and drinking champagne. I’ll even send you a crown to wear, to complete the ensemble.

*Deep breaths, man. Deep breaths. Deeper than that. They’ll take you to your happy place.

*Light aromatherapy candles all over your bench. During the relentless, boring sidebars, sculpt some sweet figures out of the dripped wax. Make them about as relevant as whatever Jose is bitching about.

*Its important that you don’t let Jose’s insanity penetrate your brain via the soundwaves created by his voice. So the second he opens his mouth to belch out his next argument, tune him out by blasting the Looney Tunes theme music in your head. Editor’s note: the voice of Charlie Brown’s teacher can be substituted if preferred.

*Purchase a diary with a good lock, and spill your guts about Baez The Unbelievable. Create an elaborate hiding place for it, and boobytrap the hell out of it. Then buy a decoy diary, in which you pay tribute to “Juannie Cochrane’s” MAD litigating skills. Hide it in a place the defense P.I. will surely find it when he comes a-snoopin’. Cuz you know he’s gonna.

*When all else fails, pop an Ativan. Make it two. Hell, just crush up a handful of ‘em and snort a few lines before court.