-10th Circle of Hell, Arizona
A slew of rapid-fire developments happened today in the never ending trial of cross-eyed librarian and butcher Jodi Arias. And all in a half day!
1. Woe is Heavy D Nurmi… Pitbull prosecutor Juan Martinez gets greeted by squeeing fans outside the courthouse, while he and Wilmott practically need a police escorted bubble car to protect them from death threats. So he had a nice boo hoo session in front of the judge this morning, and accused Juan of misconduct for having the audacity to walk out the front door and acknowledge people screaming his name.
2. This is all Jinkasaurus’ fault. Heavy D was drowning his sorrows in bacon grease and Coors while watching HLN last night, slur-rapping the theme song to 1989’s “In Living Color,” when he SWORE he heard Jinkasaurus report that a juror saw arch nemesis Martinez chatting it up with fans after court. After belch-spelling a few curse words, and throwing pork rinds at the television, Nurmi vowed to grill Jinkasaurus about the incident on the stand the next day.
3. Apparently on her way to a nightclub, legal analyst and rare dinosaur Jinkasaurus was kind enough to swing by the courtroom in a bedazzled sleeveless knit top and miniskirt to clarify her statement from the night before. She denied claiming she saw a juror who witnessed Martinez with his fanbase; she merely said she HOPED no jurors saw. So Heavy D said she said she saw someone see something when she didnt actually see anybody see anything. See?
4. So the judge called a recess until next Tuesday to get to the bottom of this mess by interviewing all 18 jurors on the couch in her chambers, and asking if they happened to see Martinez get accosted by groupies out front, and if so, how did it make them feel? Because it made Heavy D feel really bad. Like eating his feelings while crying under the bleachers bad.
5. Those evil twins from The Shining grew up, and they both put on the feedbag. The two giggling dumplings also sported tasteful purple ribbons to support awareness of “the domestic abuse excuse.” Oh, and to mock the victim’s grieving family, who were told not to wear blue ribbons in support of Travis. Because the Arias family is spilling over with class.
6. Domestic abuse expert LaViolette got back on the stand to continue her ceaseless monologue on the history of violence against women. Allegedly she met with Ugly Betty impersonator Arias and determined that 44 hrs x $350 + high profile TV cameras= Jodi was abused by Travis. And she even gave her some books to help prime her self defense theory.
7. LaViolette then rambled for a spell about violence against women in popular movies, because that’s totally applicable in this case. Interestingly, a certain scene from Hitchcock’s “Psycho” never came up during her diatribe.
8. Jennifer Wilmott is still dressing up Jodi like a My Twin Doll. I’m surprised she doesnt sit her on her lap and brush her hair in court. Maybe she’s afraid of her empty head popping off if she brushes too hard. You know those black eyes would still blink at her after rolling around on the ground.
9. Jodi’s face is so gaunt it looks as if it’s sliding right off her skull.
10. Somebody wake up Nurmi. He’s snoring at the defense table again.