Beauty Tips From the Egg Tree Salon and Spa

-Egg Tree Day Spa

Summer is but a few short days away, ladies. If you are squeamish about letting the glorious light of the sun shine upon you and all your beauty, take a trip to the Egg Treehouse Salon and Spa to be pampered. Our customized makeovers will leave you refreshed, rejuvenated, and most of all, beach ready. 

1. Let’s identify what scares us the most about bathing suit shopping. Is it your pasty, reflective skin that repels you from the bikini section of the department store? If you look like you have been moonbathing all winter long, or rolling in chalk like a dirty chinchilla, a good body scrub is in order. Slough off dead winter skin with a delicate mixture of ground walnuts, oats, honey, and sea salt, then moisturize with shea butter. Or just take a beltsander to your skin, and jump in a vat of Neosporin. It’s basically the same thing. 

2. Your dry winter hair deserves a deep conditioning treatment, followed by a fresh trim. Dunk your parched tresses in a basin of guacamole, mayo, and leftover bacon grease. Leave on for 30 minutes. Good luck rinsing out that mess. Lucky for you the “wet hair” look is all the rage this season. 

3. If you choose to sport open-toed shoes this summer, and your feet resemble weathered eagle tallons, for the love of all things sacred, do the world a favor and get a decent pedicure. Or at least dust the cobwebs off your nail clippers, and tackle those suckers yourself. Don’t be afraid to take some sandpaper to those calluses. And cover that fungus you’ve been cultivating with a more flattering shade of green polish. 

4. Because God is mean, he made the hot summer sun very dangerous for human skin. To reduce your risk of skin cancer, slather yourself in bronzer and stay in the basement until September. When you spot neighborhood children frolicking in the sprinklers during a heatwave, chuck water balloons filled with SPF 70 at them. They’ll thank you for it later. 

5. Enjoy having your face vaccumed by a screaming machine? Try a microdermabrasion facial! 

6. Lighter makeup colors are all the rage during the summer months. If yellows, oranges, and pinks do not flatter your skin tone, you should crawl in a hole and die. 

7. You don’t need expensive lip injections or plumping products to get the highly coveted Jolie effect. Just ask your BFF to punch you in the mouth a few times a week. A true friend’s work is never really done. If your BFF selfishly refuses to provide this service, take weekly trips to your local bee farm and kiss as many bees as possible. 

8. A day of sun, sand, saltwater, and booze is incredibly dehydrating to the skin, so when you have awoken from your drunken slumber, spit the sand out of your mouth, crawl your sunburned ass inside, and bathe in a tub full of aloe. If aloe is not available, wrap yourself in cold wet linens and crack open another cold one. It’s all gonna be alright. 

9. Thick, full eyelashes are very in at the moment. If you are an ugly subhuman unable to grow socially adequate lashes, and desire the additional effect of pigmented moley irises, try Latisse. If you would rather not compromise your vision, but still want to fulfill your lash destiny, keep it simple and use the falsies. Whatever the case, just know that society judges you based on your eyelashes. 

10. Avoid unhealthy habits that cause premature aging, such as smoking, drinking, and drugs. If you cannot kick these habits, grab time and gravity by the horns with the foolproof method of plastic surgery. An overstretched, immobile cat face will fool everyone. 

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Travel and Vacation Tips

-Eggtown, USA

Summer is almost upon us, and as we know, ’tis the season for vacations and travelling aplenty. No matter where you’re going, or how you’re getting there, EggTreeNews has all the tips you’ll need for a stress-free journey to paradise. Happy trails!

1. Be sure to check the weather forecast for your destination before you begin packing. That way, you will be dressed appropriately for a week of sitting in front of the TV and emptying the minibar in your hotel room. There’s nothing worse than forgetting flipflops for runs to the ice machine. 

2. Listening to music is a great way to pass the hours on a long flight as you hurdle through multiple time zones at breakneck speeds.  To enhance the time-travelling experience for the person seated next to you, pull out your bright yellow cassette walkman from 1989, and sing along to the summerjam mixtape your BFF made for you back in the day. Everyone loves a Neneh Cherry, Jodi Watley, and PM Dawn mix. 

3. Reading is another good way to kill time on a jetplane.  Most airports have an extensive selection of magazines available for weary travelers. If you can find one that does not have a Kardashian anywhere on the cover, you have not only won the lottery, you have also found a seed of hope the apocalypse is not yet upon us. Treat yourself to a sandwich. 

4. If you are travelling by car on a family road trip with small children in the backseat, you should kill yourself. 

5. Always have your vehicle thoroughly examined by a quality mechanic before hitting the road. That way, you can sink the majority of your vacation money into pimping up the family rickshaw. Who needs food or shelter when you’re rolling four deep cross-country in a blinged out Kia Sorento?

6. Never pass up the opportunity to pull over and admire the beautiful wildlife and majestic landscapes of your country, while your kid throws up from carsickness in the woods off the road.  Cherish those moments. Just be sure everyone’s 
back in the car before you drive off again, or you’ll NEVER hear the end of it. 

7.  Like being trapped in a petridish of germs floating in the middle of a vast ocean? Try a cruise! 

8.  Trains are a fun, old-fashioned alternative to traveling by car or plane. To really complete the locomotive experience, dress your children as hobos and let them sleep on bales of hay in the freight car. Then use the money you’ve saved on their tickets to hit up the bar. Everyone deserves a little “me” time.  

9. If planes, trains, automobiles and cruises leave you nauseous with motion sickness, travelling via horseback is always an option. Just pretend you’re a pioneer exploring the paved freeways and fast food drive-thrus of the Wild West. If you are lucky enough to be riding a racehorse, challenge motorists to a dragrace along the interstate. Regardless of the outcome, place the crown you got from Burger King atop your horse’s head for the remainder of your journey. 

10. Don’t forget to report every second of your trip on social media sites. Your college roommate and former workbuddies you rarely speak to anymore are dying to see pictures of your hotel room in Cincinatti. They want to hear every detail about how you’re getting away from it all. 

In the Meantime…

The last thread was loading very slowly, so here’s a new one. Chat away…

What’s a Demon Gotta Do to be Executed These Days

-Disgustipated, Arizona

EggTreeNews Word of the Week: 
BEFUDDLED- tr.v. be·fud·dled, be·fud·dling, be·fud·dles
1. To confuse; perplex. 
Example: When 12 reasonable people agreed a soulless demon committed a brutal premeditated murder, but failed to agree on any punishment whatsoever, it left mankind BEFUDDLED. 

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is local succubus Jodi Arias has been tried and convicted of the horrific first degree murder of Travis Alexander. No matter what, she has been branded guilty as sin.  So we’ve got that much goin’ for us. The confounding bad news is, the same jury that unanimously determined the blackhearted demon’s guilt also deadlocked on how best to punish her. Consequently, the judge declared a mistrial of the penalty phase, and a new group of young ruffians will be dragged into court in July to decide whether the monster lives or dies. Arizona taxpayers will likely riot over funding Stabby Einstein’s courtroom spotlight through the summer, and the Alexander family, already dragged through a labyrinth of unbearable grief, will have to climb another mountain of Jodi’s hellfire scented malarkey. 

Homecoming Queen reject Jenny’s extracurricular drama class came in quite handy during her closing argument. Channeling her idol Molly Ringwald, she gently stroked her psycho My Twinn doll Jodi’s fragile head with enough pity to pull the heartstrings of at least one wayward juror as she cooed, “Can you kill her?” Her theater coach should give her a John Hughes Award for teen melodrama, because at least one misguided sap on the “death penalty qualified” jury couldn’t bear the thought of ridding humanity of a diabolical fleshbag with human parts who is capable of ALL the following:

29 stab wounds. 
Gunshot to the face. 
Throat slit from ear to ear. 
5 years of lies upon lies upon lies to law enforcement. 
At the eleventh hour, claimed the abuse excuse with zero evidence against the victim. 
Casually threw in some unfounded pedophilia accusations about the victim, too, just for good measure. 
Lied straight to the jury. 
Drained Arizona taxpayers of $1.8 million (so far) to buff and polish her turdsicle of a case. 
Has never shown a morsel of remorse, or just good old fashioned human shame. 

But somehow, between Jenny’s acting lessons and Stabby’s heartfelt promises to grow her hair, read, and recycle in prison, they managed to make at least one soft juror go “Awwwww… 6 billion people on this planet isn’t nearly enough. We really need a demon in the mix. And I definitely can’t execute someone who can trace Dior ads. What the hell are we thinking?”

 

Cake or Death

-HowMuchLonger, Arizona

Here’s a new thread since the last one is taking forever to load. Cease the day by conversating contemporaneously to waiting for the official verdict in the penalty phase of the Arias trial.

Storytime With the Demon

-ForTotallySeriously, Arizona

Local demon Jodi Arias hosted an ipicac-tastic storyhour this afternoon at the Maricopa County courthouse. As a precautionary measure, barf buckets were placed beneath every seat in the gallery. And they came in handy. After abandoning last week’s “Help me, hence ho, I wish to live no more” act that landed her in the psych ward, the modern day Einstein has pulled an abrupt 180, and is now listlessly pleading for her life. On camera! 

Tumbleweeds blew through the courtroom as the solo witness to her own awesomeness approached the storytellin’ podium. Wearing her best “I’m sowwy” smirk, Stabby referred to Satan’s memo pad as she read off a litany of reasons she believes her pathetic life should be spared. And she could really do a lot of good things in prison. Especially with her hair. The hellspawn is willing to part with her immaculate tresses to provide wigs for cancer patients who long for the luscious locks of a murderer to grace their heads as they fight deadly diseases. 

Stabby Einstein is also determined to help her fellow inmates learn to speak Spanish; a language she herself barely knows. And since only 90% of the Arizona prison population currently speaks fluent Spanish, they are obviously in dire need of her services. 

Demons also believe in recycling! She is commited to instituting a program at the prison that will single handedly save the planet. She might want to start by reducing, reusing, or just plain eliminating those plastic water bottles that she carries around like accessories. 

Satan’s martyr also plans to promote literacy, and contemporaneously stimulate higher learning by forming a book club wherein undereducated inmates can “conversate” like real academics. First masterpiece on the list: Professor Arias’ highly anticipated manifesto. 

And of course she siezed the opportunity to give a riveting slideshow of her miraculously traced artwork! Was there ever any doubt the artiste would reveal her gallery of wonders as a mitigating factor?! 

But Stabby clarified that her sudden wellspring of goodwill and philanthropy is not just motivated by her own desire to live; she simply doesn’t want her beloved family to see her put to death. You know, the same family she claims abused her, and offered her no support in life, and basically made her into the monster she is. The family that isn’t pleading for her life themselves. So she’s really just thinking of them in all this.  Selfless, this one. 

The jury is currently deliberating the demon’s sentence. 

Bring Your Own Barf Bucket

-DryHeaveFalls, Arizona

The last thread was loading really slow, so here’s a new one. I’ll write a new post as soon as I stop gagging from Stabby’s speech.