Here at Egg Tree News, we know a lot of you have resolved to be healthier in 2010. So we’ve compiled a list of tips to help you meet your goals:
1. Stay away from unhealthy habits like smoking and drinking. As an extra safety measure, you should also avoid socializing, laughing, and leaving the house.
2. Join a gym. Or just burn $50 in the fireplace once a month, while working an ass groove into the couch and licking Cheetos dust off your fingers.
3. Devote at least 20 minutes per day to exercise. If your work schedule does not permit this, break it down into four 5-minute “exercise bursts” per day. When your co-workers ask why you’re sprinting down the halls hurdling over office chairs, tell them you’re training for the Olympics. That’s sure to impress everyone.
4. Avoid fast food, junk food, fatty food, sugary food, yeasty food, cholesterol-y food, and carb-y food. Eat expensive organic food instead. If you cannot afford organic food, then you will die obese and alone.
5. Hire a nutritionist and personal chef to create customized meal plans for you. If you cannot afford these specialists, and still need to lose weight, try crystal methamphetamine.
6. Scared of the “stigma” of crystal methamphetamine, but still want the jitters and heart attacks that come with rapid weight loss? Try diet pills!
7. Remember to always stretch thoroughly with a pilates resistance band after rigorous exercise. And just for $hits and giggles, snap the band in your trainer’s face.
8. Meditate, don’t medicate. Unless you have been shot. Then you should medicate.
9. Give your colon a vacation from red meat for awhile. Or just carry around a load all week and $hit a brick on Sundays. What do I care?
10. Have a trainer or workout buddy motivate you by shouting obscene insults in your face as they spot you. To make it really interesting, script and choreograph a “gym brawl” for all the other fitness enthusiasts’ entertainment.