Diabolical Parrot: That Dumb B*tch Had it Coming

-Berkeley, CA

In this followup piece to our last article, alleged usurper and evil-genius class parrot, Captain Dean Moriarty, gets to tell HIS side of the story. And Dean states adamantly that former Jack Kerouac Elementary School teacher Ms. Trouse “totally had it coming to her.” According to Dean, Ms. Trouse was an inferior educator, whose shortcomings are demonstrative of all the things wrong with the American school system, and with humankind in general, and who deserved to lose her job and be replaced by him. “She SUCKED,” Moriarty tells EggTreeNews. “She was sooooooooooo booooorrrrrrriiing!!! And the kids’ eyes were ALWAYS locked on me anyway, inside that jailcell-on-wheels the humans insist on confining me in. Didn’t matter what I was doing; I could be preening these gorgeous feathers I’m rockin, or trying to enjoy a grape in peace, or just cleaning my butthole, but they would ALL be watching me…but whenever I watched Ms. Trouse, she complained that it was “akward,” and “inappropriate.”… Whatever, fruitcake….

And another thing… half the time, I had to correct her during her lessons, especially history. She doesn’t seem to know her Benjamin Franklins from her James Madisons. Yet the brainiacs in administration allowed her to teach US History to the next generation of Americans, which totally baffles me to this day. And then of course I had to explain EVERY little detail about the Constitutional Convention to her, even being so kind as to quote some of the amendments in the voices of the founding fathers, whilst members of the school band played the national anthem behind me. Not so much as a thank you for my efforts. Definitely no treat. What a b*tch. Oh, and she does NOT take criticism well at all. A real sensitive type. Neurotic even.”

Still in his joker hat from the infamous 2009 Halloween carnival, the chatty bird went on to complain that Ms. Trouse’s drab wardrobe created an even more oppressive environment in the classroom. “Sooooo school marmy! And all blacks and neutral tones, no color anywhere in her entire wardrobe, no excitement. Insufferable. How did they ever expect that prissy dingbat to hold all the kids’ attention? I don’t know what they were they thinking ever hiring her!!?”

While Captain Moriarty admits the pair definitely had their differences, and he was certainly jockeying for her job for the good of the children, he denies ever trying to drown Ms. Trouse in the apple-bobbing tub at the Halloween Carnival. In fact, he says he was the one who pulled her head OUT of the tub when she tried to kill herself. “She should be giving me big fat a** kisses right now for saving her life. Instead she’s threatening lawsuits for slander and defamation. Its not defamation if its true, baby! And that daffy kook had mental problems for sure!” When asked to elaborate, Captain Moriarty revealed that Ms. Trouse kept a flask of amaretto hidden in her desk for her morning coffee, and also took a bevy of anti-anxiety prescription drugs throughout the day. “She had a few issues, to put it mildly,” he said, “it was only a matter of time before she cracked.” When asked if he ever harassed Ms. Trouse, Moriarty replied cryptically, “only when she deserved it. Its good for her, though. Builds character.” Moriarty hopes to put the whole experience behind him, and focus on his new role as teacher. “As soon as I master this, though, I’ll set my sights on principal. Its always good to have goals, you know?”

In a related story, the school principal reports a bone-chilling draft blew through his office right around the time of this interview…..


4 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Elizabeth on January 8, 2010 at 1:55 pm


  2. funny ….do u mind checking out my blog there’s some interesting posts i made

  3. This was a cute post. At my house we joke that someday the parrots will entice us into the cages and take over everything. You should see and hear them laugh, and fluff their feathers.

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