In a move of mind-numbing ignorance, Orlando fool George Anthony called a press conference today to formally complain about all the media attention he’s been getting. In fact, Anthony’s disgust with the press inspired him to take pen to paper and compose a literary masterpiece called “Life Under a Microscope,” a short essay he opted to read in-person, rather than through his lawyer/paid mouthpiece, for the annoying, intrusive cameras this morning.
In the essay, Anthony describes the inconvenience of voluntarily walking under a microscope and making totally conflicting statements about his grandaughter’s murder, only to have all his words and actions “unfairly dissected” by an overzealous media, and bored evil bloggers looking for their 15 minutes of “fame” under totally anonymous pseudonymns.
Bafflingly, George went on to claim that on average, a whopping 9 out of 10 people made positive, heartwarming comments about him, leaving many reporters scratching their heads as to why he would feel compelled to call a press conference to complain about negative publicity. But the one vicious comment, he went on to say, would be so hurtful it outweighed ALL the others, prompting his call for national attention to the issue today.
7th graders everywhere nodded their heads in agreement.
He also wished to clarify that the controversial diamond stud spotted in his ear on a recent luxury Bahamian cruise was inspired by his daughter (and accused murderess) Casey, who complimented him once on his “attractive earlobes.” Ahh, well….that changes EVERYTHING.
At the conclusion of his impassioned speech, George announced that published, autographed copies of his essay were available free with purchase of Andrea Lyons new book, “Angel of Death Row,” out in the lobby. Also available (for the right price): Cindy Anthony’s “Guide to Public Relations,” Jose Baez’s “Mouthbreathing for Dummies,” and replicas of Casey’s “Mother of the Year” plaque.