-San Quentin, CA
Officials within San Quentin State Prison announced today that their new “Dance Therapy Troupe” will make its debut performance later this month, with an interpretive rendition of Tchaikovsky’s “The Nutcracker.” Prison staff is bubbling with anticipation. “We’re really excited,” squealed one giddy warden. “We believe really strongly that dance IS therapy. And NOTHING would make us feel better than watching these a$$bags frolick around in tutus, thwacking each other in the nuts for a couple hours!”
The idea to form a dance therapy troupe among the prison’s death row inmates originated during a group therapy session for the jailhouse guards. “A lot of us were really depressed from the stresses of the job, and needed to form a support group. We meet every Wednesday night, and talk about it all. Being face to face with these scuzzbuckets everyday really takes its toll on you. We need to comfort each other just to get by. But anyway, as we were doing yoga at group one night, a guard mentioned that he would LOVE to see Charles Manson in the downward dog position right in front of a giant steel-toed boot on a swinging pendulum. It all evolved from there. Before we knew it, we were pitching the ‘dance therapy troupe’ idea to the board, and they gave us the green light.”
The guards dove right into the project, and started casting the show right away. “Naturally, that a**wipe prettyboy Scott Peterson was a shoe-in for the role of Clara; he was practically born with a tiara on his fat head. And that fruitcake Charlie Manson was the obvious choice to play the Nutcracker. The role of the Mouse King went to the night stalker Richard Ramirez, and the Sugar Plum Fairy to that wretched monster Richard Allen Davis,” said one warden.
The casting was the easy part. In this economy, the production was on a limited budget, so all costumes and sets were (begrudgingly) designed and constructed by other inmates, with the limited resources available from the prison. “The costumes are all about 5 sizes too small, and the sets are about as ramshackle as you can get, but it works for us,” says another warden. “Its all about the dance, you know?”
Practice went underway immediately. “It’s kind of challenging for the prisoners to do ballet moves and kick eachother in the nads in shackles,” said a guard who helped choreograph the show. “But when you add tights, leotards, and tutus five sizes too small to the mix, you have dance therapy the likes of which the world has never seen.”
The performers, apparently unhappy with the prospect of constrictive attire and constant groin pain, were originally somewhat resistant to the whole idea of an “interpretive dance therapy troupe.” But when the wardens cunningly told them the taped performance would be sold to the media, earning them all millions behind bars, they all immediately jumped on board. “They fell for it hook, line, and sinker,” laughs the warden directing the show. “Hilarious! I don’t know how I kept a straight face!”
Now the guards only have to keep up the charade until showtime later this month. Says the director, “As long as we don’t let it slip out in all our giddiness at practice, we should be fine. It’ll be tough, though.”