With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, many people are looking for that special someone. Here are some tips from Egg Tree News to help you find (and keep) your soulmate.
1. Approaching new people can be very difficult, especially if you’re shy. If you’re too nervous to chat up the cutie you spot in the coffee shop, just write your name and phone number on a wrapped condom from your wallet, and drop it on their table on your way out. As you walk out the door, turn around and wave at them, and say with a smile, “Fridays work best for me!” (Editor’s note: other days can be substituted if Fridays do not work for you).
2. Studies show many successful romances begin in the workplace. If you have an office crush, don’t hesitate to be open about your feelings. Pass a heart-shaped note down the hall to their cubicle, that asks (in glitter and glue script) if they HEART you, with Yes/No boxes for them to check in response. To sweeten the deal, slip a $50 bill and a Target gift certificate in there. Everyone loves money.
3. Speed-dating is a popular new way to meet people, and tell them all the ways they’ve turned you off in 5 minutes or less!
4. Gentlemen, dazzle your date senseless by pulling up to her house in a bi*chin Gremlin, that’s been pimped with Hot Rod flames, NASCAR themed seat covers, and tinted windows. To really seal the deal, pop in a Deff Leppard mix-tape for the ride.
5. Ladies, honesty is the foundation of any solid relationship, so always practice total candor. Be upfront with your date about exactly where you are in your menstrual cycle, right off the bat. Share all your PMS symptoms for their future reference; especially the one about crying tears of joy for the ‘Price is Right’ winners.
6. Gentlemen, if your date greets you at her door with a baby in her arms when you arrive to pick her up, you should avoid asking, “Who’s the toothless moron?”
7. Ladies, there’s nothing more unattractive than spilling all your daddy issues on the first date. Instead, steer the conversation toward a more appealing topic, like your long string of d*ckwad convicted felon exes, and ALL the ways they’ve done you and your 14 adorable stray cats wrong.
8. Gentlemen, stun your date right into silence with your heroic warrior side, by giving a rousing narrative of your daily journeys thru World of Warcraft. To really blow her mind, offer to let her try on the Viking helmet you wear while playing.
9. Get right to the heart of matters. Waste no time telling your date all your hopes and dreams in life, followed by all your shortcomings and failures. Then take their hand and say meeting them changes ALL of that.
10. Call your date the next evening, just to check in, and offer to do their laundry or cook them dinner. If they refuse, offer to clean their house. If they hang up on you, be persistent and keep calling back. Sooner or later they’ll have to talk to you.