-Torrey Pines Golf Course, San Diego, CA
At the Farmer’s Insurance Golf Tournament last week, pro golfer Phil “The Thrill” Michelson held a highly anticipated press conference regarding the Tiger Woods sex scandal. Golf fans and nosy gossips around the world tuned in with baited breath to hear the competitor’s assessment of the shameless manwhore’s marital woes. Spectator Bill Jones says, “I cleared my whole afternoon to watch the game, and I was ecstatic to see the announcement scroll on the bottom of the screen that Phil was gonna talk about Tiger and Elin later. They said to stay tuned, and I didn’t even get up to take a piss all afternoon because I was scared to miss it!”
Another golf enthusiast, Tony Lawrence, echoed the sentiment. “I was glued to my chair biting my nails once I heard “Phil The Thrill” was gonna chime in with his two cents of wisdom about that wretched womanizer. My wife even dropped everything in the kitchen and joined me in front of the plasma screen, sittin on the edge of her seat, all giddy with excitement. We couldn’t wait to see if Phil would rip Tiger a new a$$hole. Every commercial break, they kept saying, “Stay tuned for Phil’s comment.” I had a white-knuckle grip on my lazyboy chair, just waiting for it.”
With the entire golfing world breathless with anticipation, the moment of truth finally arrived toward the bitter end of the tournament. Wide-eyed audiences everywhere leaned toward the television as “The Thrill” sat down with reporters to issue his important statement.
“I have just one comment about the issue concerning Tiger and Elin,” Phil told the hungry cameras. “I know both of them. Tiger is a great golfer. That’s all I have to say, and I appreciate your respect concerning this matter. Thank you.”
The nation (and the world) finally exhaled after Michelson’s relevant, insightful words of wisdom pertaining to our fallen hero. “I’m definitely glad I stayed tuned for it,” says Jones. “I really felt a sense of peace with the whole thing afterwards.” Mr. Lawrence concurs, “Thank God we got to hear what “The Thrill” thought of it all,” he said with a deep sigh. “We’re forever in debt to the network for providing us with his analysis. Let’s just hope Tiger was listening, and will follow his sound advice.”