Saint Angelina’s magical vagina allegedly moving in for the kill on Johnny Depp

-Hollywood, CA

According to sources in the entertainment industry, the vagina of unrepentant homewrecker and ‘humanitarian’ Angelina Jolie, is actively stalking its new leading man Johnny Depp, waiting for the perfect opportunity to bewitch him with its enigmatic powers. Saint Jolie, whose vajay-jay has lured both Brad Pitt and Billy Bob Thornton away from the far inferior crotches of their former spouses, has decided to continue the trend with latest sexpot co-star Johnny Depp. In fact, the pair are set to share a sizzling sex scene in the upcoming film “The Tourist,” in which Saint Angie plays (surprise, surprise) a gun-wielding Interpol agent tracking down a former lover turned criminal (Depp). Jolie and her vagina in a powerful role WITH a gun?!?!? What a novel concept!! Hopefully the “actress” can grasp this new, unfamiliar character along with Johnny’s nuts.

Apparently bracing herself for the full power of Angie’s Wondercrotch, Depp’s girlfriend of 12 years (and the mother of his two children), French actress Vanessa Paradis, has already contacted a support group spearheaded by previous Jolie victims Jennifer Aniston and Laura Dern, aptly called “Life After Angelina’s Wrecking-Ball Twat.” Brad Pitt, who has aged about 20 years during his tumultuous 4-year relationship with Jolie’s soul sucking snatch, is allegedly grimacing about Depp under his hideous billygoat beard. According to one source, at the top of Pitt’s list of worries is the rapidly growing tribe of weary, maladjusted, globetrotting orphans he calls his children. Says the source, “He doesn’t want Depp or anyone else stealing his ‘humanitarian’ thunder. He signed on to hold Angie’s collection of Third World babies for the cameras. That’s HIS role, and he’ll fight to keep it.”

But Saint Angie’s holy cooch clearly has a different plan; it has a life and a will all its own, and it will not be denied. Nay, it carelessly blazes a predestined path of destruction through happy homes worldwide, and NOBODY is safe. Rumor has it, once her vagina conquers the Depp/Paradis relationship, she and Johnny will pose with the new African baby they’ve adopted together on a whim, and tout their superior humanitarian efforts in the wake of their lustful destruction. All questions regarding her brazen immoral actions will be deflected with preachy speeches about Third World poverty, starving orphans worldwide, and how Paradis’ snooty French vag ought to just get over it.

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22 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Elizabeth on February 7, 2010 at 5:21 am

    Say it isn’t so! Depp is far wiser than Pitt…he’s no fool!

    • Hi Elizabeth! As a LIFELONG Johnny Depp fan, I will join you in a prayer circle for him. 🙂 He’s been at the top of my list of faves since I was in junior high and my locker and bedroom were plastered with posters of him from 21 Jumpstreet…. I would hate to have Angie sour that for me…. 😆 Seriously, I really hope he’s wise enough to keep her at arm’s length. Let’s pray that the trustworthy news sources like Star magazine and The Enquirer are wrong. Light a candle about it if we have to. We must save Johnny! 🙂

  2. Posted by MJ on February 7, 2010 at 9:20 pm

    EGGY! Another scoop! Jolie’s Vaj-jay has been secretly outfitted with the man enticing pheromone hyper estrogenamanwalawalabingbam. In laymen terms it can be understood to be a ultra powerful dose of love potion #9. Previously it was thought being in close proximity with her unnaturally large teeth which emit high frequency tones hypnotized vulnerable menfolk.
    I’ve also heard that she is eying the Duggar family, the entire clan would make a nice addition with the bonus that the older girls love doing laundry and taking care of all the young ones. JimBob could give Depp some tips on retrofitting a double decker bus to accommodate the brood.

    Thank you again for being our eyes and ears, literally sucking in newsworthy chit and regurgitating for our reading pleasure. Just between you and I, I pray that Brad does the right thing, challenge Depp to the obscure French Duel. So what if both of them must strip naked in a public setting, rules are rules.

    • MJ, good to see ya!! 😆 You’re right on top of the news, huh? Her vahginia is all-powerful; or maybe it only works on men who are accustomed to cuddling up with wholesome blondes and their teddy bear collections, and who are just aching for a walk on the wild side with an amoral oversexed sociopath like angie. Who knows? I would like to think Vanessa and her kinky Frenchy ways will keep the eccentric Johnny anchored. We can only hope. Please join us in our prayer circle to keep the hope alive…

      And while I’m perfectly fine with the idea of Johnny fighting nekkid, the thought of Brad and his rapidly againg, haggard frame in the buff (with the billygoat beard) makes me wanna go grab a barfbag! 😆

  3. Au contraire~ the vision of Brad (think Benjamin Buttons) with his schlong flailing in combat would be awesome. Forget about his slack flabby ass and try to picture him in his prime. Sometimes magic shrooms help in that regard and you said yourself that watching Johnny would be fine, so…..come on, let them let their freak flags fly. But out of respect, I will join that prayer circle.

  4. Just checking back in to see if Perez Hilton had picked up your story yet. No worries, it’s way out of his league or maybe all the vajayjay talk gets his nerves jittery. He’s probably jealous that he didn’t report on it first. MEOW, cat fight.

  5. Posted by SureShot on February 16, 2010 at 10:22 am

    I think Johnny will stay faithful to his longtime girlfriend. I sure hope he stays faithful, it would be funny and great to hear somebody tell her “NO-I dont want to catch somthing I cant scrub off with comment or ajax” I cant even commprehend how nasty she would be. When she is not airbrushed on covers or spend thousands to look perfect on red carpet she looks not better then me or any other girl on here. I throw knifes and shoot guns in “real life” and dont need some camra to make me look cool! She had to be taught how to throw knifes……some people just have a natual ability, like her natual ability is to destry families by stealing married men…..not to worry all the charity she gives away is nothing to her pocketbook and if she was doing it for good why is that she makes sure its mentioned??? You dont hear of a lot of celebs that give ALOT because they dont want their names mentioned. By the way Jen Anniston has given millions away herself but she does it private-something the slutty angie should learn to do.What kills me is they can make perfectly good love scene in the shower without baring all and everyone still knowing what is going on………that is called “tasteful”. They are just doing this for ratings and to add to the triangle. There will be many men that will refuse to work with her that have girlfriends or wife’s. Its not an insecure thing its called a “respect” thing for their spouse. Her legs look like twigs (nasty) she has nothing over Jen yes if I were the slut I’d be jelous of Jen to…exspcecially when her and Brad …..well……..you will see!

    • Hey Sure Shot! I’m choosing to believe Johnny’s wise and strong enough to keep her at bay. Gotta keep the faith. I don’t think Jen should take Brad back, personally. She could do much better, and he’s damaged goods after Angie. And Angie should go French kiss her brother to get over it.

    • Posted by MJ on March 6, 2010 at 5:37 pm

      SureShot~ Bravo….. now I can just envision you and that slutty wannabe having a knife throwing/shoot out contest. I’m feeling your confidence and it would be great to see her do something besides toting several kids at one time.It must be some African trick she learned to be able to strategically put one her hip, one on her back and one in some fold of cloth in front.
      It looks like she is following in Mia Farrow’s footsteps, she’ll soon be a washed up has been with a united nations contingent sitting at the breakfast table everyday, hope Brad doesn’t end up following Woody Allen’s footsteps.

      • MJ, ROTFL!!! Oh my, let’s pray Brad doesn’t end up marrying Zahara in 15 years… Or even worse, coming out of the closet with Maddox… :mrgreen: 😈

  6. Posted by SureShot on February 16, 2010 at 10:23 am

    Sorry for the spelling I just noticed but you get the point im trying to do like 4 different things while typing this. There was not a place for me to go and edit that.

  7. Posted by BEES KNEES on April 28, 2010 at 10:01 am

    That is hilarious! As one of the biggest Johnny Depp fan in the world and also a huge fan of St. Angie your story is just SO FUNNY! I also love Brad, but what the . . . has he got going on on his chin? When you’re Brad Pitt you just pretty much do what ever you want but I look forward to the day when his goatee obsession ends. I’m not the first person to say he looks like a billygoat.

    Johnny Depp used to be at the top of my Freebie Five List (which is a list of 5 ‘unattainables’ you’d have permission to spend ONE night with should the opportunity arise. It should also be determined by celebrity. Two bit no-names. The Freebie Five is NOT about a relationship. The Freebie Five is all about ONE night. Or two nights. In bed. Conversation optional but not required). Which is why he is no longer on my list. Johnny Depp would have to be for a Lifetime.

    Can I brag really quickly for a sec?

    Because my son-in-law has a movie website (empiremovies.com) he is invited every year to attend all those big Film Festivals. The Toronto Film Festival which has grown in stature as big as Cannes, is one that he always goes to. And he gets to take pictures of the stars on the red carpet and sometimes interview them. Then he puts it all up on his site.

    Well, a three or four years ago Johnny Depp was there and so I forced my son-in-law to bring me and I got to meet him. He was as lovely and as low-keyed as you would imagine him to be. Johnny’s interview was held in a room at the hotel where he was staying at 9:00 in the morning. We (media) all got there early and were sitting in the room when he arrived. He was BY HIMSELF. This is unheard of. All of the celebrities are always flanked by their body guards and their handlers. But that’s not for Johnny. He just sat himself down at a desk in the front of the room and was just so laid back throughout the interviews ~ spent as much time with everyone as they wanted.

    I had been working for a really slick Native American magazine (Spirit) and I knew that Johnny has always been interested in Native Americans so I had brought two of the newest issues to give him. When all the questions were over people were kind of milling around slowly leaving and I was kind of off to the side trying desperately to come up with something intelligent to say and he noticed the magazines in my hands and just sauntered on over and said, “Hi. Are those for me?” I kind of babbled for a minute but he is so calm you immediately feel at ease. He ended up autographing one for me and took the other one.

    Le sigh . . . .

    Thanks for allowing me to brag. I can never resist when I find another Johnny Depp fan. He really is the best. And his girlfriend, Vanessa Paradis, seems lovely too. Have you ever watched the little video of her talking about Johnny? It is adorable. She’s so sincere.

    (Another year I met and shook hands with Brad Pitt ~ and of course got his autograph 🙂

    • Hi sweet Bees! Johnny has been at the top of my list ever since 21 Jumpstreet. I took one look and melted. I’m not really much of a Brad Pitt fan; I don’t think he’s unattractive or anything, but I just don’t see what the fuss is about…with the exception of his role in Fight Club; I have to admit he was quite a beefcake in that film. But nonetheless…

      Lucky you, meeting Johnny…siiiiiiiiiiiiigh…

  8. Posted by BEES KNEES on April 28, 2010 at 10:03 am

    I was re-reading my post and I spotted where I said, “Two bit no-names.”. I meant to say “NO two-bit names allowed on the Freebie Five.” Never.

  9. Posted by Danna on May 1, 2010 at 2:56 am

    Run, Johnny, Run!

  10. Posted by wondering why on October 16, 2010 at 7:48 pm

    I know I am posting on a old blog but man..I love it !!! I am glad I am not the only one who feels this way about Jolie..do NOT like that woman..Love the things you have all said..I couldn’t have said it better myself..love the “soul sucking snatch” thing!!

    • Hi Wondering! 🙂

      You’re definitely not alone in your feelings about St. Angie. I just read the Holy One has recently divided her army of child apostles, and brought the two elder girls to Budapest for a few months while she shoots some new flick she’s directing about Bosnia. No place like Budapest for 2 kids too small to even know where the hell they are. This cinematic masterpiece is some trivial love story set against the backdrop of the Bosnian war (cuz that’s what important to take away from that chapter in history 🙄 ). I guess Bradley and the remaining apostles will stay at home in the states, shining her collection of backup halos while she’s gone… 🙂

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