According to sources in the entertainment industry, the vagina of unrepentant homewrecker and ‘humanitarian’ Angelina Jolie, is actively stalking its new leading man Johnny Depp, waiting for the perfect opportunity to bewitch him with its enigmatic powers. Saint Jolie, whose vajay-jay has lured both Brad Pitt and Billy Bob Thornton away from the far inferior crotches of their former spouses, has decided to continue the trend with latest sexpot co-star Johnny Depp. In fact, the pair are set to share a sizzling sex scene in the upcoming film “The Tourist,” in which Saint Angie plays (surprise, surprise) a gun-wielding Interpol agent tracking down a former lover turned criminal (Depp). Jolie and her vagina in a powerful role WITH a gun?!?!? What a novel concept!! Hopefully the “actress” can grasp this new, unfamiliar character along with Johnny’s nuts.
Apparently bracing herself for the full power of Angie’s Wondercrotch, Depp’s girlfriend of 12 years (and the mother of his two children), French actress Vanessa Paradis, has already contacted a support group spearheaded by previous Jolie victims Jennifer Aniston and Laura Dern, aptly called “Life After Angelina’s Wrecking-Ball Twat.” Brad Pitt, who has aged about 20 years during his tumultuous 4-year relationship with Jolie’s soul sucking snatch, is allegedly grimacing about Depp under his hideous billygoat beard. According to one source, at the top of Pitt’s list of worries is the rapidly growing tribe of weary, maladjusted, globetrotting orphans he calls his children. Says the source, “He doesn’t want Depp or anyone else stealing his ‘humanitarian’ thunder. He signed on to hold Angie’s collection of Third World babies for the cameras. That’s HIS role, and he’ll fight to keep it.”
But Saint Angie’s holy cooch clearly has a different plan; it has a life and a will all its own, and it will not be denied. Nay, it carelessly blazes a predestined path of destruction through happy homes worldwide, and NOBODY is safe. Rumor has it, once her vagina conquers the Depp/Paradis relationship, she and Johnny will pose with the new African baby they’ve adopted together on a whim, and tout their superior humanitarian efforts in the wake of their lustful destruction. All questions regarding her brazen immoral actions will be deflected with preachy speeches about Third World poverty, starving orphans worldwide, and how Paradis’ snooty French vag ought to just get over it.