Accused drug trafficker and certified idiot Misty Croslin clearly lost her last three brain cells during a recent series of riveting jailhouse phone calls with her family. The dimwitted Croslin, who is also the former stepmother of missing 5-year-old Haleigh Cummings, faces 8 felony counts of trafficking prescription drugs to undercover officers. If convicted, she will serve a minimum of 25 years in jail; her bail has been set at $1,350,000.
The battle of the wits began when Misty, oblivious to the many visible signs and automated recordings warning prisoners that all phone calls are recorded and videotaped, proceeded to call her parents and inform them that she did, in fact, sell all the prescription drugs in question, essentially providing a taped confession for prosecutors. Just moments later in the same call, however, brain cells 1 and 2 turned against 3, and she denied the bulk of the charges, and began pleading with her broke parents to acquire the astronomical amount of money for her bail.
“I want out so bad,” sobbed the guilty 18 year old moron, as she described the unbearable conditions of jailhouse living. Amazingly, prisoners are forbidden from watching television, are fed a mere three balanced meals a day, and are allowed only one hour of daily exercise. “You guys have gotta send me some money for some food, they’re starving me in here,” Croslin whined to family members. When her mother told her the impoverished family couldn’t even afford gas to visit her in jail, let alone wire cash into her commisary account, Misty’s remaining brain cells 1 and 2 waged a full scale war on each other.
“You gotta get my bail money together,” Misty then instructed her financially challenged, drug-addicted family members. Under the mistaken impression that her bail was set at only $50K, Misty and her toothless, crack-addicted mother attempted to calculate the ten percent they would need in order to bail her out. Proving that the word “numerical” still remains a foreign concept to all Croslins, they deduced they would have to raise $10K. It was here that brain cells 1 and 2 finally collapsed, and exhaled their last breaths.
Sporting her classic dead-behind-the-eyes gaze, Misty and her waste of brain tissue then dug herself an even deeper hole by implying that she would share pertinent information regarding Haleigh’s disappearance in exchange for a reduced bail. Seemingly proud of her “wise” negotiating skills, she hung up the phone with the sad illusion she would be out of jail in no time.
In conclusion, one word: BRAINIAC.