Ron Cummings’ Dirty Drawers Trump Missing Daughter on List of Priorities

-Satsuma, FL

Ronald Cummings, who was arrested last month (along with braindead ex-wife Misty Croslin) on prescription drug-trafficking charges, has taken the initiative to boldly show mankind that jail has taught him what’s truly important in life. The ignorant, incarcerated hick and father of missing 5-year-old Haleigh Cummings, shared his revised list of priorities with grandmother Annette Sykes (and the world) during a recent mind-blowing jailhouse phone call. What could possibly bump his “beloved” missing little girl seemingly off the list altogether, you ask? His dirty boxer shorts.

While he avoided mentioning Haleigh’s name for the duration of the phone call, Ron managed to focus a bizarre amount of attention on the jail’s laundry schedule in general, and his filthy drawers in particular. When asked how he was fairing behind bars, Cummings referred to his possible lifelong encagement as “a setback,” then rambled profusely in his native redneck dialect about his glorious jailhouse bathing priveleges. “I get to shower every night, from what I understand. I don`t know. I showered this morning and tonight, so I`m feeling great,” said the man whose precious daughter was allegedly snatched from his home by a stranger in the wee hours of the morning less than a year ago. “But don`t get me wrong. I had to put the same dirty drawers and shorts back on,” he went on to clarify, as bewildered listeners worldwide made a mental note to JUST SAY NO to drugs. Cummings and his fried-over-easy brain then informed mankind, “I only had them on since this morning, so at 9:00 o`clock or — let me see. My band says at 8:17 is when I got out of the shower and they put the band on me. So anyways, I`ve been in, what — 12 hours I`ve been in these boxers.”

Apparently unable to concentrate on anything but his underwear, Ronald continued to fixate on the inconvenient setup of the prison’s laundry schedule. “The laundry man only comes on Tuesdays and Fridays,” he complained, “So I can — I have to wear these until Monday or until — yes, until Monday night, and then put the clean ones on and then throw the dirty ones down to him. And then I can wear them — I can wear the — anyways, you know what I mean,” he trailed off, giving the impression his attention had drifted to another topic; perhaps his missing child?
No such luck.
Instead he demonstrated both his math skills (which are surprisingly superior to Misty’s), and his sound strategy for dealing with the challenging underwear dilemna. “I got two pairs of boxers, so — but right now, they ain`t really dirty so I just went ahead and put them back on instead of putting my clean ones on and then having two dirty pair.”

Reassured that the filthy drawers situation was somewhat under control, Sykes asked Ron if he needed anything in jail. “Well, let me see. What do I need? What do I need? What do I need,” he pondered while trying to dust the cobwebs from the corners of his drug-infested brain tissue. His missing daughter, maybe? After giving the matter careful consideration, Ron gave birth to an idea. “Oh, they said I could have my chains,” he exclaimed, only to be told by Sykes that the jail would not allow it. Dismayed and undeterred, Cummings insisted, “Well, the damn guard in here said I can!” When Sykes reiterated that the jail prohibited prisoners from wearing chains, Ron’s brain (which could find shade in the shadow of a pea) steered the discussion back to his newfound bathing routine, and illustrated yet again why drugs are bad. “Damnit… I don`t think I washed the damn soap from one of my arms!”

In conclusion, say the following along with me while envisioning Ron Cummings redressing his soapy body in skidmarked underpants: JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS…

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46 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by MJ on February 8, 2010 at 9:08 am

    I sure hope all the future inmates are taking notes. Ron is proof that the usual revolving door policy in that jail sometimes actually slams shut.
    His underpants dilemma, the armpit crusted soap beef may usher in a new reality for Prince Ron. If he’s lucky maybe Granny will soon arrive in the paddy wagon and can help him out by hand rinsing his disgusting boxers every few hours.
    Soon the Cummings/Croslin annex will be completed where they can all be housed together.

    • MJ, the Cummings-Croslin annex of the jail will undoubtedly have to provide written instructions with the soap and toothbrushes… And what kind of “food” will be served at mealtime? Roasted possum?

      • I think those kind of ‘people’ like water moccasin and road kill de jour.

      • Posted by MJ on February 8, 2010 at 9:40 pm

        Those instructions will also need the universal stick figures for illustration, big words like “insert carefully” or “not for consumption” will need to be replaced with easily understood Satsumabonics.
        Roasted possum is for Sunday only, silly! According to the mayor, the other 5 days of the week anything that is in a styrofoam container will do. The 99 cent menu was test marketed there with outstanding results. No need to cook and interupt getting high, saves money on utilities so you can get high, it’s fast, so you can get high, lot’s of preservatives so if you’re high and forget to eat it, it’s still good later and all the major fast food chains there have at least one doper working the drive-up window…so you can get high. It’s a win/win for all.

        • MJ, while Ron could probably eventually decipher the English to Satsumabonics translations, Misty is totally illiterate and would have to follow visual aids only. Unless they had Satsumabonic audio instructions for all basic hygeine practices. Like an automated overhead hillbilly voice in the “hot rainin room,” warnin of them thar dangers of tooth scrubbers on bleedin gums, and the dang ole washbar don’t go into yer piehole, now!

          I like the dinner menu. My only addition would be that all beverages are served in 7-11 Big Gulp cups (all that sugar is great when you’re high), and that Saturday nights are officially KFC themed.

          • Posted by MJ on February 9, 2010 at 7:48 pm

            Rolling.totally rolling laughing!
            They are the real life version of the Clampets. Ron is a perfect Jethro. They had the “fancy eatin room” with the “pot passers” and the “cement pond”, ah, the memories sprung to life by the Cummings Clan!

            Carol~ why yes, I’d love to borrow Lisa’s Casey voodoo doll. (but i’m thinking she’s a lil on the freaky-deaky side, she might enjoy those pricking sensations, I’ll make sure to add a little extra zest , maybe an encantation that bobo turns his luv machine toward lyons) Thanks for the offer and enjoy your comments, they keep me cracking up.
            Ron may not end up having any teeth to use as excuses to score meds if he keeps talking smack in there. That good ole boy might be doing the high pitched rebel yell one of these days.

      • Posted by MJ on February 8, 2010 at 9:59 pm

        Carol~ wouldn’t that be sweeet if a water moc came slithering outa Ron’s toilet! Watching that wanna be hard ass turn into a screaming girlyman would be worth bank.
        I’m going to try out my new positive thought forwarding into the universe with that in mind, if that doesn’t pan out, I’ll resurrect my voodoo doll collection. If he thinks crusty soap is annoying, wait until he ‘feels’ a needle in his…..I’ll let it be a surprise. .

  2. Hi Egg-O. Getting to the basic daily hygiene practices of those swamp people is a whole new adventure in life styles for them. Shower soap, toilet paper, toothpaste and deodorant are rather foreign to them. They do know about being in the rain. It washes your clothes and body at the same time. Add soap? Well, that throws them off. Toilet paper (if available) is a bougeois commodity, only to be put out when your parole officer or CPA shows up at the house. Ron is probably looking at that toothbrush like ‘damn, that’s gonna make a good shank’. His brain is so fried that he doesn’t remember that after the second week of wearing boxers, that he can turn them inside out and they are good for the second week! He should have been in jail enough times to know that the toilet makes a great clothes washer when you hold it as it flushes. Wring out and good to go.

    • Hey Carol! Yes, basic hygeine is quite challenging for these folks… I wonder if Ron uses the toothbrush to scrub his body clean in the shower? One of these days he’ll realize that toilet trick– if not, he’ll spot clean his boxers with saliva…

      Ewwwwwwwww….

  3. Posted by niecey456 on February 8, 2010 at 11:00 am

    Excellent Post Eggy! I truly hope his family doesn’t start some kind of new charity like: “Boxers For Drug Dealers”, or something like that. I think the new “Say No To Drugs” add campaigns should featured videos of them making some of their notorious statements, that make absolutely no sense. :mrgreen:

  4. Posted by christine on February 8, 2010 at 4:22 pm

    OMG This is one hysterical post…..ROFL

    You posters are fantastic…….now I’m trying to get up…..

    PS don’t forget Misty wants socks too. She said hers are stretched out and she has to tie them up.

    I’d love to know what she’s using to tie them with……maybe she’s using the elastic from her grungies to keep them in an upright position……LOL

    SO when do they put them into prison orange?

    • Hiya Christine, and welcome! πŸ™‚ let’s see…is Misty tying the socks around her chicken legs with the complimentary jailhouse dental floss? I’m sure she’s never seen floss before (at least not from her methmouth mother), and figures that’s its only purpose…

      Hmmm… I bet they go into prison orange as soon as Misty learns to spell the word “orange” correctly…. Its like a hooked on phonics riddle!! :mrgreen:

  5. Posted by ~LisaG~ on February 8, 2010 at 11:04 pm

    Hi Egg, Carol sent me here. πŸ™‚

    OMG, I spit out my water, after I had the pleasure of reading the comment, regarding how Ronald’s brain, could find shadow of a pea! Brilliant.

    You all have everything covered. Very funny stuff.

    The only good thing to come out of all this, is the fact that Ronald never got Misty pregnant.

    • LisaG, I do believe we’ve met before; I recognize your avatar– I used to go by “Ostella,” until I started EggTreeNews, and I think we’ve LOL’d together on occasion! πŸ™‚ good to see ya! And thanx, Carol, for sending Lisa my way! πŸ™‚

  6. Posted by ~LisaG~ on February 8, 2010 at 11:05 pm

    Oh boy, that should say:

    How Ronald’s brain could find shade in the shadow of a pea! And here I am, making fun of the Bubba’s.

  7. Posted by Valhall on February 9, 2010 at 4:39 am

    LMAO!

    Oh, thank you so much for this excellent review of a mind wasted and child forgotten.

    Dirty drawers FTL!!!!

    • Hey Valhall! Welcome to the EggTree! Glad you enjoyed it. I’m a regular reader at your blog, and really admire your work. I would comment, but my view is usually already represented, so I would just be reiterating… But you’ve got a great site!! πŸ™‚

  8. Hey, MJ. Ron would try to sell the snake for cigs or dope. I don’t think ole boy Ron is going to last too long in jail with his stupid punk ass mouth. Yea, crusty soap is a new one for him – idiot. Right now, the voodoo lines should be wide open since the Saints won. LisaG has the Ebay, Casey voodoo doll if you want to borrow it.

  9. Do you think Ron’s favorite music is by Skid (mark) Row? I think they wrote the song; One Big Brown Eye Winking at You.

  10. Hi Egg; I don’t know why my last comment is coming up way up there? Maybe too much talk about voodoo. MJ; I meant that LisaG has the Casey Ebay voodoo doll as her avatar, to borrow.

    • Posted by eggtreenews on February 10, 2010 at 5:19 pm

      I don’t know why it appeared up here either. Hopefully this comment will appear as a reply under yours. Here’s to hoping. Let’s find out! πŸ™‚

  11. This is such a hilarious post i cannot wait to read the Misty one next. Indeed, Ronald redneck is worried about his undewear. lmbo. If you put his brain in a humming bird the poor bird would fly backwards. He is a dredge on society and i feel sorry for the laundry man having to pick up his filthy undies. This bafoon get’s in lockup and complains about the accomodations. I would like to throw him in ”Sing Sing” prison. Then he would know what NO accomodations were.

    Thanks EGG your fantastic.

    • Hey Knight Owl, its me Ostella! πŸ™‚ Good to see ya! Aint Ron a maroon? What an embezzle, as Bugs Bunny would say… Have you seen his mugshot? I can practically see the brain cells sizzling away in that pic. His expression just kills me. Then there’s the creepy “molestache” above his lip, which adds a whole other factor to the equation. Just all around gross…

  12. Posted by Hadley on February 12, 2010 at 1:14 pm

    Just read on another blog that Roy Kronk’s ex-wife is now being called: KERLEY KRONK! hahaa

  13. I’m a first time commenter here!! I love reading your posts.

    My favorite saying about brain matter is, “if their brains were gasoline, they wouldn’t have enough to drive a moped around a fruit loop”

    Very much like the Anthony Clan I may add!! lol

    • Hey BJ. I think that Ron and his inbred family gene pool could use some chlorine. I want to ask him why the alphabet is in that order? Is it because of that song?

      • Carol, I think the chlorine/ chloroform/ cleaning products that Baez claims are in the Florida tapwater may actually be part of the problem… Maybe the region of Florida from Orlando to Satsuma needs a nice detoxifying enema? πŸ˜†

        I also heard Ron gets the alphabet song confused with the BINGO chorus…. πŸ™‚

    • Hi BJ! Welcome aboard! I really needed that laugh this mornin, thanx! πŸ˜† The visual makes me giggle everytime I think about it. I imagine it kinda like Gonzo’s putt-putt moped (from the Muppet Show)… LOL!!

  14. Posted by ~LisaG~ on February 13, 2010 at 9:24 pm

    Ostella!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Of course I remember you! Good to see you again : )

    Does anyone else think that Teresa Neves, talks to her Ronny, with a sort of intimate, seductive voice??

    Or maybe she’s just high?????????????

    Anyone? Bueller, anyone, Bueller………..

    • Hi Lisa. Teresa has that three pack of cigs, deep whiskey voice that is just sickening. She didn’t even raise Ron. She must have been too busy at the bar. I bet she leaves a lot of snot dripping off that phone when she is done talking to him at jail too. Yuck.

    • Lisa, Theresa’s got one of those husky voices that only comes from two things: chainsmoking and whiskey shots. I’m guessin she’s a Marlboro unfiltered gal, and is probably a good friend of Jack Daniels. But I could be wrong. πŸ™‚

      • Egg; wasn’t Jack Daniels the name of her third husband? It should be. I met him one night at a bar and walked across a frozen lake to get home because he made me forget how to put the key in the car door.

        • Carol, you big silly goose, Jack Daniels was her 4th husband. Her 3rd was Jim Beam, who I’ve had a few skirmishes with in my time (ahh, the carefree days of barhopping at 21…) He forced me to spend a lot of quality time with the toilet, as I recall… πŸ˜†

          • Ah, yes, driving the big white bus. I remember those days too. That’s why I’m glad I’m married to Captain Morgan now. He sails a smooth boat and we always find our dock, eventually. Most times we even remember to raise the anchor before heading home instead of ripping it off. Good times, I can’t wait for summer.

    • Posted by Mary Alice on February 23, 2010 at 5:31 pm

      Why would Ron’s mother say she’s proud of him? Teresa, his Mom said that to him when she came to visit him in jail one day- why is she ‘proud’ of him. And it’s really creepy the way she talks to him- in that voice- I noticed that too.
      C-r-e-e-p-y

      • Hi Mary Alice, and welcom to the Egg Tree! I remember Theresa saying that to Ron; what there is to be proud of is beyond me. My mother would probably rip me a new a-hole under those circumstances. But Theresa is proud of her cradle-robbin drug trafficking moron offspring who’s flushed his life down the toilet… I guess parents in Satsuma don’t have too many expectations from their kids. Whatever…

  15. I brought this over from Humble’s Place. I got a giggle out of it.

    Quote:
    Suggestions for Ron to keep the streaks away…

    1. Don’t wear any.
    2. Don’t eat the beans.
    3. Don’t eat the green bologna.
    4. Don’t bend over and get the soap.
    5. If you do bend over to get the soap, make sure you’re alone while doing so.
    6. Wash them in the sink and hang them to dry. Don’t wait for the laundry guy to do it for you.
    7. If you don’t have a sink, wash them in the toilet bowl. Hey!! Anything is better than roadmaps in your boxers.

  16. Posted by ~LisaG~ on February 15, 2010 at 3:41 pm

    Ahhhh, I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again. The Cumming’s and the Croslin’s definately have one thing in common, the same family tree, a wreath!

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