In a series of recent jailhouse phone calls with her troglodyte family, accused drug trafficker Misty Croslin became so enraged about negative publicity that she bravely challenged HLN star Nancy Grace to a gripping battle of the wits. In fact, Croslin, a bona fide moron whose academic endeavors ended in the 6th grade, and who has never told the same story twice about former stepdaughter Haleigh Cummings’ disappearance, was so infuriated with Grace’s “inaccurate” coverage of her drug case, that she cussed a classy and mature blue streak about the matter, even at one point calling the former prosecutor “retarded.”
Sixth graders everywhere said, “Oooooooooooooooooooohhhh,” in anticipation of the oncoming smackdown.
The whole thing started like this:
Forever proving she left her good judgment and common sense in her Hannah-Montana smeared junior high locker the day she walked out, Misty began the conversation with her haggard mother Lisa by assuring her that she had definitely made friends behind bars. “A girl upstairs, she`s real nice. She did my hair. Can you see it?,” she asked as she showed off her new French braids. While pampering one’s hair behind bars may seem inappropriate enough all on its own, Misty the Brainiac delivered a double whammy by choosing to have this done on the one-year anniversary of Haleigh’s disappearance. Cuz injury is really nothin’ without insult. True to the Croslin gene, Lisa failed to pick up on the lunacy, and instead focused on the pretty hairdo, as Misty told her, “She had to do it through the little bars, but she did it for me.” Concerned only with the pressing issues at hand, Misty went on to thoughtfully confirm, “Still I`m not cutting it. I ain`t trusting none of these m#*:$)*#($+s up in here to cut my hair.”
At peace with her daughter’s jailhouse ‘do, Lisa began stirring the pot by turning the conversation toward the negative press coverage Misty has received in the wake of her arrest, which of course sent Misty into a Springer-worthy hick fit. “When I get out of jail, everybody can kiss my *#$*. And I`m going to get on TV and I`m going to tell them all to *#?* off,” the spitfire boldly proclaimed. On par with the average Croslin maturity level, her mother not only agreed with her, but said Misty deserves a nationwide apology. At this point, Misty gave herself a blubbering redneck peptalk. “They`re not going to put me down no more. I`m tired of it. I`m going to start standing up for myself,” she ranted, only to contradict herself in the next breath, “because I don`t care what people think about me. People can think what they want to think.” Lisa then brought up Nancy Grace in particular, and the “total ho*$e$#/t” reported on her show, referring of course to the taped jailhouse recordings of Misty’s own words and actions. Family patriarch Hank Croslin, who apparently never takes off his sunglasses, only fueled the fire later by echoing the sentiment. “We’ve just been laying around, worrying about you guys, watching that stupid Nancy Grace lady. I don`t even like watching her. I hate that lady…,” he said. “She`s stupid. She don`t even know what she`s talking about half the time,” he explained without explaining. “She says we eat better than her,” Misty informed her father. This bit of information sparked a nearly undecipherable debate in their native tongue about Chicken McNuggets, Nancy Grace, and an automobile, which ended with Hank Croslin questioning Nancy’s Christianity, and Misty saying, “She don`t eat better than us…”
But it was here that Clan Croslin really flexed their collective intellectual muscle, and posed a formal duel of the wits against Grace. Looking straight into the camera with fully dilated pupils, Misty exclaimed, “Nancy Grace is a f*#+#/ng retard. She can lick my $*#+ and suck *#$!* Watch, she won`t play that. Because I said that, she will not play that.” Father of the Year Hank showed his support for his foul-mouthed drug-trafficking daughter by jumping on the special-ed bashing bandwagon, and reiterating that he too believes Nancy Grace is retarded. But he soon toned down his ravings, and wisely counseled his daughter with, “Just don`t let her get to us.”
But Misty, always light years and brainwaves ahead of her family in the smarts department, assured him (and all of humanity, really), “Oh, I ain`t letting her get to me. I don`t care what she has to say. I don`t care what anybody else has to say about me.”
Sure ya don’t, Misty…. Sure ya don’t….