Millionaire Manslut Tiger Woods to Nation: “I’m So Sorry I Got Caught”

-Ponte Vedra Beach, FL

Slutty pro-golfer Tiger Woods called a “press conference” today, (sans any actual press in attendance), to read a scripted apology for getting caught cheating on his beautiful wife with an endless chain of bimbo IHOP waitresses and pornstars. Woods, who has been in seclusion in sex rehab therapy, organized the conference himself, inviting only friends, family, and associates to attend the “Mea Culpa” reading. No media was allowed inside the controlled environment, and Tiger did not answer any questions after reciting his 14-minute essay/cash-flow recussitation proposal.

In full damage control mode, Tiger wore some responsible grownup clothes and a contrite expression as he read his carefully scripted statement to throngs of disappointed fans and sponsors who have drastically cut his bank accounts. During his emotionless delivery, Woods wisely took responsibility for his numerous affairs; a move his advisors describe as “brilliant,” since he idiotically documented all his skeezy transgressions anyway by sending dirty text messages and voice mails to his harem of bottom-feeding skanks.

While his humiliated mother glared at him from the front row with arms crossed, Tiger went on to discuss the deep impact his whorishness has had on his image as a golfer. Not only did he piss all over the integrity of the game, he explained, but he also lost valuable marketing clout as a respectable family man and role model, ultimately costing him millions in endorsement deals.

A single violin could be heard faintly in the background.

Tiger also clarified that scorned wife Elin never attacked him with a golf club Thanksgiving night, leaving many viewers curious as to why he spent the next few days at a plastic surgery clinic in Arizona getting reconstructive surgery on his jaw and cheekbone. The thoroughly smashed Caddy Escalade also remains a mystery.

At the conclusion of his performance, Tiger announced that he will eventually return to golf, possibly later this year, and asked for “privacy” as we works out his personal issues in rehab. And in bed. With more IHOP waitresses and hookers.


35 responses to this post.

  1. I was unaware of his liaisons with IHOP waitresses. Between Tiger and the Harvard educated professor, Amy Bishop, who was reported to pop an IHOP waitress over a booster seat, IHOP appears to be the place to be.

    • Wow 4wrdthnkndad I believe you’ve identified the underlying common denominator of insanity! Good catch. Now it makes perfect sense to me, all those early morning chocolate chip pancake fests that I only vaguely remember the next morning………IHOP is the Devil! All IHOPS should be shuttered immediately to protect our celebrities. Who woulda ever thunk?

      Eggy congrats on being the conduit for saving the world! If you hadn’t dared to write this masterpiece the IHOP connection would be still hidden. Love your stuff

      • MJ, I’m just glad we were able to get to the common denominator, and now we can attack this thing head-on. Just to be safe, let’s include ALL cheap breakfast diners, like Waffle Hut and Dennys. Cuz ya just never know. 😆

    • Hi 4wrdthnkndad, and welcome aboard! Its gotta be the IHOP, I never knew waffles and pancakes had so much power over nutjobs. Or maybe its the vast array of flavored syrups on every table that throws people over the edge! Too many choices! 😆

      • I’ve struggled to figure out what items keep them coming back. For Tiger, considering his interest in multiple partners-I’m guessing he goes there for the “combo platters.” For Amy Bishop, I’d lean towards the “NUTtella Crepes.”

        • Posted by eggtreenews on February 22, 2010 at 2:42 pm

          See, my bazarre blog did it again; I answered 4wrdthnkndad, but it landed way up there. I thought I had fixed the problem, but obviously not. Grrr… Now I have to find my tinfoil hat again. 🙂

  2. Eggy you know how much I luvs your site but sometimes my posts get sucked into the bowels of spamdomination. Can you put on your tin foil hat and see if my post went there? Tanky

    • Found ya in the spam folder, MJ, and released ya. I don’t know why, but people will land in there sometimes for no apparent reason. No rhyme or reason to it… But yer free now, and freedom is a gift, huh?! 😆

  3. Hi Egg. Wait for it, wait for it, oh, he FORGOT to say he was sorry to all the people he hurt. I guess he skipped over that sentence in his script. Another lying piece of shit. The only thing he is sorry for is geting caught. I guess that’s going around now and is the new enabler.
    Why is it that rich people and celebrities get away with murder and everything else and never admit that they are selfish ass holes? Did he ever even pay the ticket that he got? Why didn’t they drag his ass to jail right away that night and take a blood test? Oh, I forgot, he is a golf god.
    The guy isn’t really even that attractive. He looks like a black Howdy Doody. I hope that his wife rewrote the whole pre-nupt to her advantage. She should just have him castrated. She has the two kids already. Don’t they do that in the country wherever he is from? Supposedly, he had sex with some therapist in sex rehab. How’s that working out so far Tigger? Oh, and he ‘claimed’ that he was sending a million dollars to Haiti too. Lying man slut, exactly.

    • Hi Carol! its living proof that $$$ talks. I really can’t imagine anyone being so gullible as to take his word about anything. Elin should leave him, PERIOD. Otherwise she’s gonna feel like she’s eating his $hit every moment of every day for the rest of her life. And if she attacked him once with that golf club, she can also do it again, and he could end up with a lot more than a broken jaw, and she could end up in jail. Is it really worth it? She could do far better than him, and deserves a decent human being as a husband. What a disgrace…

  4. Carol! black Howdy Doody lolololo His fiasco could change the way kids decide whos’ it ~ eenny meany miney mo, catch a tiger by the…………

    All of your questions are valid, just goes to show the double standard that is the gulf between rich folk and poor shcmucks like the rest of us.

    Hey, that castration idea, maybe it could be hot waxed for a place of honor in the Wax Museum or bronzed or something

    • MJ, the wax/bronze castration idea is quite ingenious. That’s a market that’s really been ignored… Why didn’t anybody think to do that with the Lorena Bobbit case, before they sewed it back on? 😆

      • Experience is such a brutal teacher sometimes. I’d really be pleased and honored to nominate a couple of the mantards in my past to be the first to be castrated then bronzed. What fun it would be to break it to one of them that all I’d need to start the job would be cuticle scissors! !!! OH, hell yeah, this could be big, no more boohoo fests with my girl peeps. Instant therapy.

  5. Eggy ~ 1 word. SPAM
    2 words. Check it.
    5 words. It could save someone’s life.
    1 word. Shwiiing

  6. I’d like to speak to the complaint department please… Just kidding. Egg, I get the drift of how to click on the replys and then submit but sometimes the comments get thrown in any where. Am I doing something wrong or it is because I’m blond? Please be kind, I might cry.

    • ……and yes that moronic loser did make the Platinum Weddings Satsuma Style on EChannel blush with pride.
      ? What…. wrong thread? Huh?…. I just clicked reply and it showed up here, what the hey!

      Just kiddin.. Carol I feel your pain! And if you ever want to change that blond hair, I’ve heard of a real great salon, Putnam County Jail. It’s great

      • What color, shoe shine brown? I won’t get too graphic here…
        Earth scattering news or Litte Known BS – Satsuma is the cabbage capital of Florida! Who gives a rat’s ass?! Is that what that smell is or just lack of deordorant and soap?

      • See, I have the same problem but can’t blame it on my hair cuz I’m a brunette, and its my bloody blog and I can’t even figure it out, so what does that say about me, heh? 😆

    • Carol, don’t cry, I have the same exact problem a lot of the time with replying to comments, where they just pop up out of place. I need to check my settings and get to the bottom of this. Where’s my tinfoil hat?! 😆

  7. Complaint department again please. Ok, I’ll hold. I am sick of clicking on the notify me box under submit. Then get the email, click on the subscription, then delete. I love this fricking site and these people! I never want to be taken off any comments or new posts! Egg, keep me on your damn email and posting list until you die or you get sick of me OK? Thank you, it’s time for my medication now.

    • Carol, LOL! 😆 I would never kick u off the blog, no worries. I’m gonna go into my settings in a bit and figure out what the deal is. Eggy’s on it! 🙂

  8. Well isn’t he just an ass? Rats, too bad I missed that show. See, he is probably from some little muddy crap village in Russia, like Gary Indiana is here, the arm pit of the U.S. So, he thinks he is all hot stuff and Mr. Hollywood with the Olympics and all. Besides, those Ruskies are hot headed with their tempers. I don’t watch the Olympics too often, it’s like watching paint dry.
    I’m glad that they can do those Earth shattering, Red Sea parting, mind blowing quad jumps for the world, instead of like finding a cure for cancer or something. Good for them. Skate and shut up.
    I’m going to take a happy pill now.

    • Carol, are ya sure u didn’t spill a lil amaretto in your mornin coffee? 😆 Just givin ya crap. I don’t know how your comment ended up over here, but I see u on the other thread now. I’ll meet ya over there..

      • Egg, thanks, no, I’m fine. I love you too and this site. Not even a bloody mary yet today. I am in spam world with another comment Babe. Just waiting for ANOTHER eight inches of snow today. Then, I’ll have a cocktail while shoveling.

  9. Posted by eggtreenews on February 22, 2010 at 2:38 pm

    4wrdthnkndad, I’m thinkin its the DISCOUNTED early bird “combo platter” for Tiger 😆 and you’re correct about Bishop, but her 2nd choice is “Banana-Mixed Nut flapjacks .” 😆

  10. okay im wearing my tinfoil hat, and i do believe i have corrected the problem. my very last comment shouldve landed way up in response to 4wrdthnkndads comment about bishops nuttella obsession. lts see where this one chooses to drop.

  11. Tiger’s real first name is Eldrick. I am speechless.

    • Carol, yeah, I found that out too, recently! I had no idea. I guess his fathers best friend in the military was named Tiger, and he promised to call his son Tiger in honor of him.

  12. Gatorade just dumped Tiger for future promotions. Looks like his whole life is drying up- ha!

    • Carol, I read that this morning! So I guess that leaves him with Nike, and what else? Anything? Well, that’s what happens when you market yourself on a blatant lie….

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