-Ponte Vedra Beach, FL
Slutty pro-golfer Tiger Woods called a “press conference” today, (sans any actual press in attendance), to read a scripted apology for getting caught cheating on his beautiful wife with an endless chain of bimbo IHOP waitresses and pornstars. Woods, who has been in seclusion in sex rehab therapy, organized the conference himself, inviting only friends, family, and associates to attend the “Mea Culpa” reading. No media was allowed inside the controlled environment, and Tiger did not answer any questions after reciting his 14-minute essay/cash-flow recussitation proposal.
In full damage control mode, Tiger wore some responsible grownup clothes and a contrite expression as he read his carefully scripted statement to throngs of disappointed fans and sponsors who have drastically cut his bank accounts. During his emotionless delivery, Woods wisely took responsibility for his numerous affairs; a move his advisors describe as “brilliant,” since he idiotically documented all his skeezy transgressions anyway by sending dirty text messages and voice mails to his harem of bottom-feeding skanks.
While his humiliated mother glared at him from the front row with arms crossed, Tiger went on to discuss the deep impact his whorishness has had on his image as a golfer. Not only did he piss all over the integrity of the game, he explained, but he also lost valuable marketing clout as a respectable family man and role model, ultimately costing him millions in endorsement deals.
A single violin could be heard faintly in the background.
Tiger also clarified that scorned wife Elin never attacked him with a golf club Thanksgiving night, leaving many viewers curious as to why he spent the next few days at a plastic surgery clinic in Arizona getting reconstructive surgery on his jaw and cheekbone. The thoroughly smashed Caddy Escalade also remains a mystery.
At the conclusion of his performance, Tiger announced that he will eventually return to golf, possibly later this year, and asked for “privacy” as we works out his personal issues in rehab. And in bed. With more IHOP waitresses and hookers.