Egg Tree News Pet Advice

We at Egg Tree News are animal lovers, and want to see our furry companions live long and prosper. All pets have different needs, and sometimes owners don’t anticipate the special care required for their new family member. After some extensive research, we narrowed down the absolute best information and advice to help you decide what animal is right for you and your family.

1. Dogs have long been considered man’s best friend, and need to feel like they’re part of the pack at all times. So if you HAVE to leave your dog alone in a dark, empty apartment for a night of barhopping, pour a shot of whiskey down his throat to make him feel like one of the gang. This will also keep him from barking all night long and giving your neighbors reason to wish you dead. And besides, when you both wake up at 6a.m. on the bathroom floor, covered in vomit, your bond as Best Buds will be cemented forever.

2. Want your furniture shredded to confetti by a mutated lion-midget with a bad attitude, who $hits in a box in the corner and roars pathetically at you? Get a cat!!

3. Ferrets are bright, inquisitive little rascals who are always up for adventure. As fearless (and arguably suicidally inclined)explorers, some of their favorite xxx-treme expeditions include the laundry machine, the refrigerator, the freezer, and your pipes. They also enjoy $hitting in your shoes.

4. Parrots are gorgeous, loving birds capable of forming intense emotional bonds with their owners. Then they move into sinister Phase 2 of their plan, and drive everyone away with their incessant ear-piercing shrieks until its just the two of you. So if you’re antisocial and don’t care for sleep, this is the pet for you.

5. Iguanas are beautiful, 6ft emerald-green lizards who do not appreciate being handled or looked at. Males have more testosterone per bodyweight than any other species on Earth. Their teeth can cut human bone, and their long tails leave welts all over your skin when they whip you in a rage. They are highly recommended for a$$holes.

6. Hamsters are smart, energetic, and always up for a good time. And they have cool toys and kicka$$ obstacle courses that make most kids jealous; Nickelodeon’s “Double Dare” has NUTHIN over a hamster habitrail. They also look awesome behind the wheel of remote control cars, trains, and planes. Especially with night-vision goggles on.

7. Pet turtles are fascinating creatures; they have evolved very little over the eons they’ve been on Earth, so its almost like watching a prehistoric being in action. They also make your entire house smell like a sewer!

8. Wanna die? Fold a 10ft Burmese Python into a flimsy tank in your living room!

9. Goldfish are a mellow, low-maintenance pet for people on the go. They are also easily forgotten, and likely to die before you remember to feed them or clean their bowl for the first time.

10. When all else fails, invest in a Chia Pet. Name it, pet it, love it. If it dies, then there’s clearly something wrong with you.


56 responses to this post.

  1. Oh, boy, I can just see the PETA people climbing out of their holes to jump on this thread. You did put up the invisible fencing to shock them and keep them out, didn’t you Egg? And, spary the couch so they stay down? Good.
    One of my fondest childhood memories was taking our little painted turtle along in the car on vacation. We had it up on the back seat windshield. When we got there, it fried, (boiled) in it’s clear plastic bowl. It didn’t climb under the little plastic umbrella. We said a pray while we flushed.

    • Whew, sliding in here for more mindless babbling. Thanks for the heads up Carol! I mighta just kept on yammering about Cabbage Patch hijinx for days if I hadn’t found this.

      Pet advice is always appreciated, EGGY your scope of knowledge knows no bounds.
      Now, on to me, …me, me, me
      We had a parrot that my uncle, a priest who lived in Brazil, smuggled,er, I mean gave to us. It was either always insane or the lack of oxygen while half smothered in his robes in transit made it batchit nuts. And mean. He only spoke Portuguese, so our interaction was limited to telling it to STHU. My mother did seem to like it and was a little teary eyed when he cacked, the rest of us were eagerly trashing his scuzzy cage and the 800 lb sacks of bird feed so that she didn’t have time to even consider replacing it.

      I always wanted a turtle….but no, didn’t get one. Those ones you could get at the fair that had things painted on them were so cool, I’m sorry about the sun bathing accident yours had Carol.

      • MJ; I’ll smuggle, I mean send you a turtle if they still sell them. They are supposed to be all full of diseases and bacteria nowadays. I bet they taste good though.

        • Hiya again, I’ll have to pass on the turtle, I did have a surrogate relationship with one not so long ago and it sort of soured me on wanting another. My daughter decided that she would get one~ a rather ugly one~ Eggy is right, they stink! You can;t hardly tell if they’re alive or dead, somehow it got out of it’s glass thing and buhbyebye 4ever. Free to inch along in the wild. But thanks so much for the offer.

          Dieting is so not fun. I usually just give up and hope for the best. Good luck, maybe the weather will finally get warmer in your area and you and hubby can take walks, maybe that’ll take your mind off it.

      • MJ, what a parrot story! I myself have an African grey, and he’s gonna take over the world someday. Smarter than the average kindergartener. He calls people “monkeys.” Endless entertainment.

        I’ve always wanted a turtle, I just think they’re so cool, but the smell makes me wanna yak. Carol, that sucks about your sunbathing turtle. πŸ˜₯

        • Had we realized that he only spoke Portuguese he might have been more fun, but it took us years to realize and he may have been mature when we got him, sort of set in his ways. He only said a few things in English.
          No wonder he was mean, he probably hated us, he probably thought we were dumb because we wouldn’t repeat what he said, maybe he had an impediment cause we really didn’t understand hardly anything he said.

          What’s your guy’s name? I’ll have to look up a pic of that kind

  2. Posted by eggtreenews on February 25, 2010 at 11:41 am

    carol, for all I care, those oblivious hipocrites at PETA can go decapitate entire fields of lettuce about the matter if therye so mad, and eat that living, breathing ruffage while touting their moral superiority about treating “all life” humanely. Then they can drive off in their gas guzzling Hummers with “Save the Environment” bumper stickers,and shove a gun in the face of the first person they see wearing leather shoes.

    so yeah… PETA CAN GO SUCK PLASTIC EGGS for all i care.

    so how ya doin, Ms carol?! good, i hope! πŸ™‚

    • Eggy~ them is fightin words, no telling what kind of tizzy the PETA patrol will be in after reading that!
      The LA outdoor cafe’s will be full of whimpering starlets, the purse pups cowering in fear. Therapists will be scrambling to accomodate their patients in crisis. We’ve got your back, I’ll get a new set of nails today and have Chinglee (suzy) to make them extra long!

  3. Hi Egg. Yup, I’m good, thanks. The PETA people just crack me up trying to save the whales. What the hell are they going to do with a pet whale? I know, stick it in a fish bowl aquarium and have it kill three people while the audience gets to pay to see it?! That’s a great idea and fun for the whole family to watch!
    Something about ‘killer’ whale makes me think that they are going to be a litte hard pressed finding trainer contestant #4. Anyone on a suicide mission and likes water? Sign up.
    I say bring it over to my house. My hub can make one hell of a fish fry. You can all come!
    MJ~ waving. You didn’t say if you ate the parrot? Yes, let’s all talk about fish and meat since I’m on this new diet.

  4. Posted by Marica on February 25, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    Carol, What is the new diet? I have had to change
    my eating habits due to Barret’s Esophagus Syndrome.
    This sounds totally NUTZ, but have discovered that
    eating tomatoes, and lots of them stops the acidic
    action that is ruining my upper stomach and esophagus.

    Eggs, LOVE the posts. have been reading for a while and
    enjoy your style of telling it like it is.

    • I don’t think the diet has a ‘name’. It is a lot of rice cakes, nuts, vegetables and salad. I was ready for a cheese burger at 3:00.

    • Hey Marica! Glad you enjoyed it! Intersting tip about the tomatos, I wouldn’t have thought of that right away. Interesting stuff. πŸ™‚

      • Posted by Marica on February 25, 2010 at 6:41 pm

        Actually, I didn’t think of it. My son who has had stomach problems a lot, stumbled upon this quite by accident and told me about it. My doctor is puzzeld by the effect of the tomatoes.
        I (THINK) it is proabably the stomach acids going into a full out attack on the tomato acids and leaving my stomach and esophagus alone. I love tomatoes, but when you eat them like medicine, they can get old fast.

  5. Ok, funny dog story. I have a cattle dog – year old- Ned. Heard crunching during the night, came out to kitchen. He got all the chicken bones out of the tipped over bag and can, finishing the last one, wagging his nub. All the rest of the paper, plastic and old salad was in a perfect circle around him. He rounded it all up and had that garbage herded like sheep. I had to laugh before I yelled at him. New cover lid on can now. Maybe you had to be there. Next.

    • Another funny dog story involving Eggo’s bulldog, Pigbert. (Pronounced PigBear). Took him to the dogpark the day after a huge rainstorm. Sun was shinin, tons of dogs there for him to play with, all was right with the world. He spotted a small Boston terrier across the park he wanted to meet, and SPRINTED towards her, hyper as all getout (if you’ve never seen a bulldog sprint, you don’t know how hard you’re capable of laughing). Anyway, he got about halfway across the field goin full force, but then failed to spot a ginormous mud puddle about 2 feet deep right smack dab in the middle of his path. And he hit that hole at full speed, and his tubby lil body dropped right into it with a splash, just like a cannonball. My husband and I were DYING laughing and wiping away tears, and we didn’t notice that he was bounding back to us, covered in mud, still hyper and slobbery, and he launched and tackled my husband from behind, and sent him flying into the mud too. I almost wet my pants.

  6. Posted by Marica on February 25, 2010 at 6:38 pm

    On the TURTLE issue: I used to have two turtles. They were the size of my hand, and Loved watching them swim around in their hugee tank, which was about 5 ft above the floor. The tank being to big to take down to clean, I decided to use the shop vac to suck the water out of the tank one day. Turtles captured and safely in the bath tub, I stood on a stool, placed the vac hose in the tank, and then with my toe, reached down and turned on the vac. Do I need to tell you that I somehow managed to turn the darn thing on BLOW rather than suck. Talk about a stinking mess.. Cieling, walls, me, the carpet… Yep, Turtles smell bad!

    • Too bad someone didn’t tape you and sent it into Funny Home videos. Then you would be laughing not crying.

      • Posted by Marica on February 25, 2010 at 10:34 pm

        Well, had I KNOWN I was about to really screw up, it wouldn’t have happened. For sure I don’t have anyone standing by with a camcorder for the simple cleaning of the turtle tank… Although, no that you have mentioned this, and with my record for major screw ups, maybe I should consider having someone on had at all times. Ask about my experiences with flying sometimes.

    • Marica, Good Lord, sounds awful! That mustve been fun to clean up! πŸ˜†

      • Posted by Marica on February 25, 2010 at 10:29 pm

        Yes, one of those more memorable moments in life. A real boneheaded blunder if ever there was one. It was a real mess… A wonder it wasn’t much worse, like me falling off the stool and breaking a leg or something. But I still like Turtles.

  7. Posted by ~LisaG~ on February 26, 2010 at 6:27 am

    Hi Egg,

    Great topic! As a Licensed and Registered Vet Tech, may I post some winter saving tips for animals??


    Lisa πŸ™‚

  8. Posted by ~LisaG~ on February 26, 2010 at 7:17 am

    Hi ya Carol!

    Got a house of sick family, from husband, down to the boys. I’m the only one, still standing so far, but we all know the rules for mom’s, we “Can’t” get sick or do we ever need naps, lol.

    How ya doing Carol?? We got hit with some nice snow.

    • Lisa, hey. I lost Bart, my little dog 2 weeks ago. Let’s not go there. Stay well for the fam. Let’s hear some of your funny dog stories. I guess I will actually have to unmute Grace tonight.

  9. Posted by ~LisaG~ on February 26, 2010 at 8:15 am

    Sorry to go off topic Egg, but I just looked at NG’s blog, and tonight the show will be about Casey Scamthony. The topic will be:

    Judge: New evidence against tot mom will be kept secret!

    • Lisa, its OK to veer off topic, I don’t mind at all! Hmm… I’ll have to remember to put on some sunglasses before tuning in, so NG’s shiny shirt won’t blind me. :mrgreen:

  10. Posted by Marica on February 26, 2010 at 7:32 pm

    FUNNY DOG STORIES: Reminds me of one night I came home so beat I headed straight for the bed. At the time, I had FIVE full grown Pit Bulls in residence with me. Of course they were all thrilled I was home and all made a bee line for the bed. Ever try to get into a bed with about 250 pounds of Pit Bulls on top of the blankets? Well I finally managed to slide in under the blankets and was on the very edge of the bed trying to gain a little coverage… Finally I yelled at them to GET OFF the bed, and ya know, they all complied at one time. Well, that was when I rolled off the bed onto the floor taking the blankets with me and rolled myself into a cocoon on the way down… and when I hit the floor, all fine were instantly on top of me licking my face and trying to make sure I was OK… They are all gone now and I miss them s much, but have to laugh when I think of the love and protection they provided me with. I am older now, and when my last one died, I knew it was time to get a smaller breed, and have only one dog. “Nina” is a Bi-racial baby. She is part Boston T. and part French Bull T. Most adorable little girl, and she looks so much like me. Or I look like her, not sure which.

    • Marica, wow, 5 pit bulls!! My mother in law has 2, and they’re quite a handful, I can’t imagine 5! I’m glad you were OK after falling off the bed. Nina sounds very cute. I love Frenchies; I have an English bulldog, and we’ve been pondering getting either a Frenchie or a Boston Terrier as a playmate for him. They’re such wonderful breeds!

      • Posted by Marica on February 27, 2010 at 3:11 pm

        Nina has an attitude that is ten times bigger than she is. Very loving, but oH she is fiesty! People used to tell me those pits would eat me one day, but they too are very loving animals. I guess much of their behavior, is in how they are raised. I always wanted a Boston, but could nevr afford one. Couldn’t hav afforded Nina, except that she was not the sort of dog her original people wanted. She THOUGHT she was a bird dog, and attacked their parrot, so her adoption fee was low enough I was able to manage it. Were I to get another, I would choose the Frenchie. Her “French blood” is just so darn funny. She attacks my vaccum… Only dog I ever had who wasn’t afraid of that darn machine.

      • Posted by Marica on February 27, 2010 at 3:19 pm

        Yes, and lived in a one bedroom apartment. I LOVE my dogs!
        English Bull Dog… I have been told they are like children and one must give a lot of special attention to them. I think hey are just beautiful and would love to have one, but have been told they are a pretty high maintainance animal. So… I would never be able to give one the proper care. I think the English would like a Frenchie playmate…

  11. Posted by ~LisaG~ on February 26, 2010 at 10:07 pm

    OMG, does NG dress in the darK? Her outfits are hideous, her “neckrope” would make her sink if she fell into the ocean.

    I have the 11PM rerun of NG on right now. Kept dozing off earlier. Now I’m alone, house is quiet, hubby, kids, dogs, all sound asleep. That is of course if I go into the kitchen and make some hot chocolate, the dogs go into panic mode, thinking I’m eating without them πŸ™‚

    So I wonder if they have the diseased ridden walking mattress fingerprints on the syringe??

    Big secret, shshhh.

    • Lisa, I can’t bring myself to watch the NG rerun. I just can’t stomach her, even with sunglasses on. Maybe I’ll just read the transcript online and save myself the headache. I’m convinced they have Caseys prints on the tape or the syringe; somewhere that undeniably connects her to the crime.

  12. Posted by ~LisaG~ on February 26, 2010 at 10:13 pm

    What happened to Lenny’s voice?? Did he have surgery, or is he sick?? That scarf he is wearing is hiding something, no?? 😦

    So Georgette & Sindy’s house may be going into foreclosure?? Interesting….What did they do with the almost $500,000.00 they have received in licensing fees?? Surely Georgette didn’t put it all into the scanks snack attack fund.

    • Yay, wow, Lenny. Jeez, I guess maybe the three packs of Marlboro’s a day finally caught up with him. I thought maybe he jumped the fence with that scarf when I first saw him, then I heard him speak.
      The skanks commisary shopping sprees are coming to a screeching halt next week. All monies will be going to pay off her fines then. She will have to join BDA- Bean Dip Annonymous. Maybe that pork rind acne will clear up on her skuzzy back – ugh. Who cares? She is dead pork grease walking.
      Did you see the donation site for the Ants? Who didn’t see that coming? Just crazy. I have some empty beer cans and snow that I can donate to them. I’ll get some empty pill bottles from Misty too. She doesn’t need them any more.

      • I saw that donation site for them. I wonder if there’s a minimum accepted amount. πŸ˜† I bet whoever set that up will also set up a site where you can donate boxers to Ron Cummings in jail? πŸ™‚

    • Lisa, I really don’t know what to make of the foreclosure announcement. There’s something hinky there, as Valhall would say. there’s a self-serving motive for everything they do, that’s for sure. It’ll all be revealed in time, I’m sure of it…

  13. Posted by ~LisaG~ on February 26, 2010 at 10:43 pm

    One more thing, I’m kind of missing the Hatfields and the McCoy’s…..aka the pillbillies! πŸ˜€

  14. Posted by ~LisaG~ on February 26, 2010 at 10:44 pm


  15. Egg; Help the spam dark lords got me!

  16. Pet advice for Casey; don’t let dead squirrels climb up in your car engine.
    Are we talking about Grace today? I didn’t hear her bitch slap anyone last night. Is she getting old? I still think that her two kids are pet sloths dressed in kid baby suits.

  17. Is it just me or does Jill Kerley look like Jabba the Hut sitting there all over the place with a little bit of dribble sliding down the corner of her mouth? I can’t imagine the depo prosecution people sitting there trying to get her whole body in the picture without laughing their asses off. Besides, listening her to answers! LOL!

  18. ~~~~~~~~~~TSUNAMI!!!!!!!!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  19. Posted by Marica on February 27, 2010 at 3:13 pm

    Laughing so hard the tears are streaming… “a site where you can donate boxers to Ron Cummings ”
    Too funny!!!

  20. Poor Tiger, he gets slapped again:

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