We at Egg Tree News are animal lovers, and want to see our furry companions live long and prosper. All pets have different needs, and sometimes owners don’t anticipate the special care required for their new family member. After some extensive research, we narrowed down the absolute best information and advice to help you decide what animal is right for you and your family.
1. Dogs have long been considered man’s best friend, and need to feel like they’re part of the pack at all times. So if you HAVE to leave your dog alone in a dark, empty apartment for a night of barhopping, pour a shot of whiskey down his throat to make him feel like one of the gang. This will also keep him from barking all night long and giving your neighbors reason to wish you dead. And besides, when you both wake up at 6a.m. on the bathroom floor, covered in vomit, your bond as Best Buds will be cemented forever.
2. Want your furniture shredded to confetti by a mutated lion-midget with a bad attitude, who $hits in a box in the corner and roars pathetically at you? Get a cat!!
3. Ferrets are bright, inquisitive little rascals who are always up for adventure. As fearless (and arguably suicidally inclined)explorers, some of their favorite xxx-treme expeditions include the laundry machine, the refrigerator, the freezer, and your pipes. They also enjoy $hitting in your shoes.
4. Parrots are gorgeous, loving birds capable of forming intense emotional bonds with their owners. Then they move into sinister Phase 2 of their plan, and drive everyone away with their incessant ear-piercing shrieks until its just the two of you. So if you’re antisocial and don’t care for sleep, this is the pet for you.
5. Iguanas are beautiful, 6ft emerald-green lizards who do not appreciate being handled or looked at. Males have more testosterone per bodyweight than any other species on Earth. Their teeth can cut human bone, and their long tails leave welts all over your skin when they whip you in a rage. They are highly recommended for a$$holes.
6. Hamsters are smart, energetic, and always up for a good time. And they have cool toys and kicka$$ obstacle courses that make most kids jealous; Nickelodeon’s “Double Dare” has NUTHIN over a hamster habitrail. They also look awesome behind the wheel of remote control cars, trains, and planes. Especially with night-vision goggles on.
7. Pet turtles are fascinating creatures; they have evolved very little over the eons they’ve been on Earth, so its almost like watching a prehistoric being in action. They also make your entire house smell like a sewer!
8. Wanna die? Fold a 10ft Burmese Python into a flimsy tank in your living room!
9. Goldfish are a mellow, low-maintenance pet for people on the go. They are also easily forgotten, and likely to die before you remember to feed them or clean their bowl for the first time.
10. When all else fails, invest in a Chia Pet. Name it, pet it, love it. If it dies, then there’s clearly something wrong with you.