Whitney Houston Crashes in Oz

-Brisbane, Australia

Crackhead singer Whitney Houston attempted to launch a comeback tour in Brisbane, Australia last week, but instead crashed in a pathetic blaze of sub-mediocrity. Some experts (and human beings endowed with common sense) speculate this is because Houston, an award-winning singer in her time, has spent the last two decades destroying both her voice and her life with crack cocaine. When her tumultuous marriage to bottom feeder and fellow drug-addict Bobby Brown ended in ruins in 2007, a haggard and scrawny Whitney finally entered rehab, fueling hopes of an eventual comeback. Diehard fans were ecstatic when a seemingly sober Houston announced the start of her “Nothin’ But Love” world tour late last year. The debut performance in Oz, however, was an astonishing disappointment.

Looking like the long lost child of Amy Winehouse and Keith Richards, a sweat-drenched Houston tuckered out after warbling a mere two songs entirely off-key. Fans also complained that Whitney’s powerhouse soul voice had deteriorated into a sound they could only liken to Courtney Love gargling drill bits. Perhaps frightened by her own vocals, the diva took a 20-minute break right in the middle of her set, exiting the stage altogether to reapply makeup and use the restroom. Her brother and backup singers akwardly filled the silence until she reappeared to grace them with her dazed and disoriented presence, only to ditch her lyrics in favor of erratic dancing. As one wise concert attendee put it, “She was not fit to perform. She seemed to be on another planet and the concert was laughable.” Another (former) fan remarked with a shudder, “It was the first concert I have walked out of in my life.”

But apparently the real offense occured during her karaoke-esque rendition of the legendary single, “I Will Always Love You,” when at the crescendo of the song, Whitney thought it would be a good idea to take a long pause to chug water and towel herself down before turning the song’s epic high note into a barely audible coo. “She didn’t finish any of her songs,” complained one Aussie. “She had to constantly stop and catch her breath. She did more talking than singing through the whole show. It was a disgrace.”

With fans walking out of the concert and demanding their money back, and critics worldwide roasting the diva’s flawed performance, the Houston camp naturally released a statement to quell rumors about Whitney’s rapid descent from sobriety/stardom: “Whitney is in great health and having a terrific time on her tour and with her fans,” said oblivious publicist Kristen Foster. “Her fans were dancing and singing along with her and Whitney appreciates their support.”

It is unclear if Houston was the only witness to these “supportive” fans.

Foster also explained that Houston’s voice has changed because she refuses to quit smoking- cigarettes, that is. Aaahhhh, well…upon reflection, it makes perfect sense to go on tour at age 46, for the first time in 10-15 years, with a voice (and lungs) already compromised by decades of crack-cocaine abuse, and still refuse to put down the cigs. A sound health decision for any world-class singer looking to make a comeback.

Bravo.

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37 responses to this post.

  1. HA!!!!! Maybe she should join Winehouse or Love in their bands. A used up old loser. I hope they gave the concert goers their money back.

    • Hi Carol! i hope they got their money back; what a joke of a concert. i cant believe her publicist’s response to it all, i think they must all be on another planet! 😆

  2. Posted by MJ on March 2, 2010 at 9:04 pm

    Apparently Kristen mistook a couple of frantic Aboriginals who had accidently wandered into the arena as “singing and dancing fans”. They sensed that the woman (Houston) was in distress and so began one of their native healing ceremonial dances.

    Good that Whitney knew that when all else fails, try some dancing and try to make it dirty, Ya know, this whole thing kinda reminds me of the Super Bowl performance of The Who. The Who is right??? They stunk, he’s too old to hit those high notes and it’s a little embarrassing to have old geezers whose greatest hits were about how cool it was to be young and anti-establishment up there wheezing and having to talk thru the song instead of sing it. Are they just so afraid of another wardrobe malfunction or other spontaneous performance by some rockin current band? I’d rather see a pod of shriners whizzing around on scooters than the yawnfest they put out this year.

    • MJ, apparently the aboriginal’s healing ritual did NOTHIN for what ails Whitney! They get an E for effort, though.

      A friend of mine had some neighborhood kids over for the superbowl this year, and during The Who’s Halftime Spectacular, one of the kids said, “This is the best they can do? The band who does the theme song for CSI?!?! Who are these jokers, anyway?!” 😆

    • MJ; A pod of shriners! LOL! You’re killing me! Yes, the Who just sucked. My ears were getting raped. I remember when I was a hippie, a hundred years ago, I saw them live in concert. I’m surprised I even remember that concert. They are ancient old rockers that really need to find a rocker convalescent retirement home.They can fire up the microphones and amps for kareoke time for entertainment hour. Mick Jaeger and the rest of the Stones that are somewhat alive can join them – just decrepit. Haven’t they made their zillions of dollars by now?

      • Posted by MJ on March 3, 2010 at 5:17 pm

        Ah, those were the days, the memories are a little hazy, hell, they were hazy when they were happening! Lotta really crazy chit all the time.
        I’ve been crying in my ginormous beer cup several times when I’ve gone to see the old time greats in the last few years when it became crystal clear that the rock sort of crumbled as they’ve aged, unlike some of the old blues guys. They can crank out music till they die.

        I do think the convalescent home is a good idea, they can smash guitars with their crutches and all the old groupies can wear Stevie Nicks caftans, long gray snarly hair swaying. Did I mention I’m growing my hair long? Let me know if you catch the address of any of those rock n roll senior living pads.

      • Carol, I can’t believe The Stones are still up and walking around, especially Keith Richards… He looks more and more like the Crypt Keeper everytime I see him. The fact he still ahs the wherewithal to remember his own name amazes me…

  3. Posted by ~LisaG~ on March 3, 2010 at 1:33 pm

    Whitney?? Whitney who?? Oh wait, that would be, Mrs. Bobby Brown,.,… She is famous for that :

    “Kiss my ass” clip, they show on the soup.

    • Lisa, I LOVE The Soup!!! That clip cracks me up everytime they play it. I also love the one they play randomly of Britney Spears jumping out of her skin going, “HUHHHH?” 😆

  4. Posted by ~LisaG~ on March 3, 2010 at 1:39 pm

    Egg, that was so well written., and spot on, but she did it to herself. She was blessed with an amazing voice, and she threw it all away for token on a pipe. No sympathy from me.

    • Lisa, her voice amazing, to say the least, and she may as well have sucked on the exhaust pipe of a bus for the last 20 years straight… :mrgreen:

  5. Posted by ~LisaG~ on March 3, 2010 at 1:39 pm

    GRRRR, toking on a pipe! I’m starting to sould like the Pillbillies 🙂

    • Posted by MJ on March 3, 2010 at 5:24 pm

      Lisa, I ‘m not worried about you yet, “toking on a pipe” is a pretty mainstream phrase but when you start referring to your husband as a Dope Boy, I would seek help.

      Your concerned friend,
      MJ

      • I’m still stying to find out what the heck a Roxy is? Old boy Ron seems to like those alot. I have to get hip on this drug scene.

        • Posted by MJ on March 4, 2010 at 10:10 pm

          Not sure about what a Roxy is either, but I sure hope that idiot and his dufus wife/exwife stay in jail for a while. Around there it seems like the entire county is in jail at any given time, but they always bail out somehow. Hoping that once LE gets tired of fooling with them they won’t quietly reduce the charges.

          No need for you to get all hip with the drug scene, like Eggy reminded us crack is whack and judging from the Cummins/Croslins whatever they’re poppin or smokin is some bad chit. Apparently is destroys not only your brain but your body ..

          • Found it! Roxy- instant release oxycontins. Used for shooting or snorting. That’s why the cole slaw princess kept itching her nose when she was getting arrested from that last drug bust. Nice past time. Ugh.

            • Posted by MJ on March 5, 2010 at 11:30 am

              Thanks Carol, guess if all ya have to do all day is drive around, meet up at the 7/11, get tats, a roxy would be great. Probably wrong place to mention this but I have to seize a thought as it comes or it may not come back.

              Ron’s mommy said something about Haleigh wouldn’t have eaten any of the oxy pills cause they taste so bitter…how on earth would she know that unless she had crushed them for snorting or injecting. What a sorry bunch of cabbage heads ( and for the record, I don’t think Haleigh did get into any of those)

              • MJ, nope, me either. I think cousin Joe in black killed her after he _____ her. He came back to the trailer later that night with a new dent in his van. Coleslaw brain had to wash her blanket to get the mud off after he dumped her in the swamp/river. He split town that night. Nice family. I bet there are a lot more pregnancy’s after those family reunions. Eyaaaahhh. New tapes coming out tonight from the jail. It’s so hard to understand those pea brains talking.

                • Teresa is a stellar example of a mother. She didn’t even raise Ronny boy. Feral cats take better care of their young. They all sprinkle pills on their cereal for breakfast. Captain Crunch for Brains.

                • Posted by MJ on March 5, 2010 at 5:59 pm

                  High five on who we both think it was! And believe me in the day I could party like a rock star but never did I not remember all the highlights and lowlights of any rager. I don’t buy that CP Misty blacked out anything, the dented van, the unanswered door….that poor baby was left in the care of an imbecile by an over grown swampturd. It was an accident waiting to happen and it did

                  LOL they can prolly get their Capt. Crunch with their WIC coupons, the pill sprinkles from any one of the slackers that are faking back, leg, rheumatiz, injuries. Maybe it’s time to bring back napalm and torch that entire county.

  6. Lisa! Remember ‘crack is whack’? She probably has that copy righted and all her drugs are packaged with that label on it. Old, used up, wheezing burn out.

    • Posted by MJ on March 3, 2010 at 5:29 pm

      She should have asked Tina Turner to mentor her. She’s still kick-ass.

      • MJ, Tina is freakin awesome! She still tours soldout shows around the world at 70 YEARS OLD. That’s just rad, period.

        • Wow, 70! I didn’t know that. What was the name of that goof she was married to?

          • Yeah, she turned 70 last Thanksgiving. Hard to believe, huh? Still dancin and singin and touring.

            His name was Ike Turner. Her original name Anna Mae Bullock, but he “renamed” her Tina when she joined the band and married him. He died of a cocaine O.D. a few years back.

    • Carol, didn’t she follow that up with, “I make too much Money to smoke crack…” ? What a fool….

  7. Posted by ~LisaG~ on March 5, 2010 at 6:41 am

    MJ 🙂

    Oh yea Carol, who could forget her famous words~~

  8. Off topic- Christmas is coming Wednesday March 10! New doc dump to squash Baez and ‘his girl’, I hope, for good! YEAH!

  9. Hey MJ; Sheba from Illinois was on Grace AGAIN last night! Ugh. She is another fruit cake ass kisser. I wonder how much she gets paid?

    • Posted by MJ on March 8, 2010 at 10:57 am

      Pretty soon Sheba will be the only dunce left kissing Ng’s sorry ass cause nobody else can stand her and her day-old news. I think she must tape her show about 5 days in advance in between trips to the MacDonald play house with the twinks. Now with her secret badboy crush in the pokey she’s probably got his tape (when he was sobbing ) playing 24/7 on her Ipod.
      I wish somebody decent would follow our favorite cases, JVM can’t stop talking about her own issues, we ALL know she’s a recovering boozer, bravo, shut up about it and sthu about animals. Yes, we all love ’em, look at the nice piece EGGY did on the creatures we share our world with.

      Gotta get busy, it’s tough looking productive while painting your nails and teeheeing over the posts here.

      • MJ, I always feel like JVM is shouting at me about her addictions, and it kinda blows my hair back a little when I catch her show. Its quite unsettling. Hey, did u hear she has a book out? 😆 Somethin about her bein a recovering boozer, and bein addicted to practically everything under the sun. I never wouldve known it, cuz she never mentions it on the show…. 😈

  10. Hi Egg. Maybe we should have a back room ‘speak your onions’ thread since the Ant case is waking up again and moving faster than ozzing mud. It seems sort of goofy posting on the wrong topic thread. JVM has a book out?! Where have I been? Is it a catalog selling all her shiny, eye burning blouses? Does it have a little mic of her screaming when you open it? I hope so.

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