Crackhead singer Whitney Houston attempted to launch a comeback tour in Brisbane, Australia last week, but instead crashed in a pathetic blaze of sub-mediocrity. Some experts (and human beings endowed with common sense) speculate this is because Houston, an award-winning singer in her time, has spent the last two decades destroying both her voice and her life with crack cocaine. When her tumultuous marriage to bottom feeder and fellow drug-addict Bobby Brown ended in ruins in 2007, a haggard and scrawny Whitney finally entered rehab, fueling hopes of an eventual comeback. Diehard fans were ecstatic when a seemingly sober Houston announced the start of her “Nothin’ But Love” world tour late last year. The debut performance in Oz, however, was an astonishing disappointment.
Looking like the long lost child of Amy Winehouse and Keith Richards, a sweat-drenched Houston tuckered out after warbling a mere two songs entirely off-key. Fans also complained that Whitney’s powerhouse soul voice had deteriorated into a sound they could only liken to Courtney Love gargling drill bits. Perhaps frightened by her own vocals, the diva took a 20-minute break right in the middle of her set, exiting the stage altogether to reapply makeup and use the restroom. Her brother and backup singers akwardly filled the silence until she reappeared to grace them with her dazed and disoriented presence, only to ditch her lyrics in favor of erratic dancing. As one wise concert attendee put it, “She was not fit to perform. She seemed to be on another planet and the concert was laughable.” Another (former) fan remarked with a shudder, “It was the first concert I have walked out of in my life.”
But apparently the real offense occured during her karaoke-esque rendition of the legendary single, “I Will Always Love You,” when at the crescendo of the song, Whitney thought it would be a good idea to take a long pause to chug water and towel herself down before turning the song’s epic high note into a barely audible coo. “She didn’t finish any of her songs,” complained one Aussie. “She had to constantly stop and catch her breath. She did more talking than singing through the whole show. It was a disgrace.”
With fans walking out of the concert and demanding their money back, and critics worldwide roasting the diva’s flawed performance, the Houston camp naturally released a statement to quell rumors about Whitney’s rapid descent from sobriety/stardom: “Whitney is in great health and having a terrific time on her tour and with her fans,” said oblivious publicist Kristen Foster. “Her fans were dancing and singing along with her and Whitney appreciates their support.”
It is unclear if Houston was the only witness to these “supportive” fans.
Foster also explained that Houston’s voice has changed because she refuses to quit smoking- cigarettes, that is. Aaahhhh, well…upon reflection, it makes perfect sense to go on tour at age 46, for the first time in 10-15 years, with a voice (and lungs) already compromised by decades of crack-cocaine abuse, and still refuse to put down the cigs. A sound health decision for any world-class singer looking to make a comeback.