Egg Tree News breaks out the crystal ball and the gypsy caftan, and looks deep into tomorrow’s hearing in the Casey Anthony case. What we can expect:
1. Defense attorney and mouth breather Jose Baez will sleep straight through his alarm. Nursing a wicked St. Patrick’s Day hangover, he’ll roll out of his racecar shaped bed in a celebratory shamrock patterned onesie, and forget to get dressed. He’ll pull up to the courthouse in his Gremlin, 2 hours late, with bedhead and morning breath, refusing to take off his sunglasses. Don’t let the bottle of Pedialyte he’s chugging fool you; its really vodka and cranberry juice… Nothin like the hair of the dog…
2. Casey, dressed as one of the poor orphans from Oliver Twist, will attempt to convey the complex emotions “despair” and “despondency” by dabbing her dry eyes with a tissue, as the drunken Baez pleads with the court to refill her begger’s cup. At the conclusion of his slurred argument, Casey will approach the bench on polio crutches, extend her empty cup, and say, “Please, Sir….I’d like some more,” in a charming English accent.
3. The Lyon, in wrinkled clothing off the bargain rack at Ross, will prop a ghetto blaster on the defense table and play the soundtrack to Les Miserables, as she falls to her knees and wails about the bourgeoisie selfishness of the Florida taxpayers who are reluctant to pay for a killer’s expert defense team. She’ll wrap up the performance with a tasteful plug for her book.
4. Linda Kenny Baden will file a formal complaint that she can afford “but one” facelift on the defense’s current budget.
5. Cindy and George will ride squeaky scooters into the courtroom, covered in soot, wearing cardboard boxes. Cindy will interrupt the proceedings to tearfully announce that the foreclosure on their home has landed them in poverty. This will be followed by a long wail, and a “Help me, I feel faint! Hence ho!” from George (still wearing the diamond earring), who will manage to request donations before he hits the floor.
6. River/Crystal/Holloway/Cruz-whatever name she’s going by this week- will then charge at George from the gallery, cleverly disguised as Holly Gagne, and attack him with a baseball bat. Cindy will join in with her favorite pet hammer, Fluffy.
7. Dominic Casey and his forked tongue will watch the spectacle from a safe, undisclosed location as part of the witness protection program.
8. Lee “Chuckles” Anthony will bring his sister an early birthday gift of Target lingerie and beer, accompanied by a coded greeting card, reading: “Ereway otnay eallyray rokebay. Oughtthay isthay ouldway ooklay othay on ouyay.”
9. Prosecutors and spectators will vomit.
10. Judge Strickland will spend the majority of the time trying to remember the theme song to Diff’rent Strokes.