Spring Cleaning Tips

Spring has arrived, and its time to clean that petri dish of germs you call a house! If you’re overwhelmed by the giant dustball tumbling through your kitchen, or the accidental science experiment growing in your bathroom, you’ve come to the right place. Egg Tree News will help you tackle those tough cleaning problems, to get your place sparkling clean in no time!

1. Set aside a block of time to get all your cleaning done. If there are visible waves of funk humming off your house, you’ll probably need to devote an entire week of your life to vanquishing them. Better call out sick from work. To really get into battle mode, invest in a hazmat suit. (Editor’s note: a Darth Vader or Storm Trooper costume can be substituted if a hazmat suit is not available).

2. Snow White had the right idea: whistle while you work. If you do not feel like working, but still long to whistle, hire seven kindhearted midgets to pick up your $hit as you whistle on the couch while watching Extreme Home Makeover.

3. It is common knowledge that your kitchen sink is filthier than your toilet bowl. So until you have thoroughly scrubbed the sink clean, wash all dishes in the toilet.

4. If your dog has carelessly strewn his mangy winter coat all over your carpet, and topped it off with a sprinkling of dandruff, then its time to bust out the vaccum from the Tomb of Unknown Cleaning Supplies. Dust the cobwebs off the old Hoover, familiarize yourself with the various settings and attachments, and watch in amazement as the fur maintains a death grip on your rug. Then just throw out the rug, and shave your dog.

5. Make sure to pull out all furniture, and thoroughly sweep dirt into an enormous ball in the middle of the room, making one giant dust bunny. To make cleaning time fun, let the kids name it before dumping it in the trash. (Editor’s note: avoid turning on overhead fans until you have properly disposed of the beloved pet dust bunny).

6. Thoroughly dust all surfaces, and all knicknacks atop said surfaces. Except your spouse’s nightstand. Instead, scrawl “Clean Up Your $hit” in the dust, and go buy yourself somethin pretty.

7. If cleanliness is next to Godliness, your bathroom is offensive to all things sacred. Do a controlled burn of that room, and start over from scratch.

8. Powerwash the exterior of your house to remove dirt, grime, and debris that has collected over the winter months. If you do not have a powerwasher, use your kids’ Super Soaker. If a Super Soaker is not available, a water pistol can be substituted (provided time is not a factor for you).

9. It is abnormal for your refrigerator to reek of dirty feet, or to shake and rattle on its own. If an angry monster screams “Zool” when you open the door, then you should call Ghostbusters. I cannot help you with that.

10. Still ready to faint at the thought of cleaning your house? Don’t stress out. Call a maid service, and meditate as they vaccum and dust around you.


19 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by chrislipjournal on March 27, 2010 at 11:04 am

    Funny! Do the midgets have to be kindhearted? I know seven who are willing to work for minimum wage, but they’re a little on the cranky side. πŸ™‚

    Rob Hanson at Chrislip Journal

    • Posted by eggtreenews on March 29, 2010 at 10:09 am

      Hey, welcome aboard!

      There is room for one cranky (or Grumpy) midget on the team, but the other six are required to be kind hearted! πŸ˜†

  2. Ah, spring cleaning. Thanks Egg, for reminding us all of the whole scenario! It’s sort of as much fun as going to get a mammogram. You have some very good tips though.
    I always like to prepare by first making a big strong pot of coffee, then chill the beer, and get delivery pizza number ready. Find bottle of Advil.
    If you hub is handy like mine is, just have him build another bathroom and board up the old one, or use as indoor dog kennel. One room done.
    Adorn sweat band, hair protector and old comfy clothes. Drink much coffee black. Be bad to the bone. Find real loud music to blast like the roofers do when doing a tear off.
    I find the haz mat suit and goggles are good while using the power washer with chemicals to spray down the kitchen with chemicals. Open frig, dump contents. Have it moved to wreck room or sun porch. Buy another one. Another room done!
    Take a good hard look at furniture before moving it to clean. If you really don’t like it anymore, check ads and stores for new furniture. Another room done!
    Remember Bill Murray in Caddy Shack? Yes, leaf blowers do work if you remember to open windows first to blast outside. Nice touch with the dust ball for the kids.
    Yes, do shave the dog. Cats don’t cut for that, I’ve tried.
    Go outside and look at exterior and wonder what color it was. Drink enough chilled beer until it becomes blurry, order pizza.
    Your spring cleaning is done man! Enjoy until next year.

    • Posted by eggtreenews on March 29, 2010 at 10:16 am

      Eggcellent tips, Carol!! You always manage to crack me up… I can’t believe I forgot to include the coffee advisory, and the apparel suggestions… All neccessary factors in the spring cleaning equation!! πŸ™‚

  3. Posted by niecey456 on March 27, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    LOL! πŸ˜† If only the yard clean up were that easy! I did move the rose bushes from right in front of the porch rail, so that I no longer get chewed up by them whilst cleaning the porch. I used words I forgot I knew. πŸ˜† My daughter n law longed for roses so I sent most of them home with my son. She’s going to plant them right next to their house, so they’ll bite the next generation. :mrgreen: The only 2 I couldn’t find a home for I planted where I don’t have to walk near them. I don’t like roses very much anymore. THEY BITE! Now I have to plant the flowers. Then I’m just sure hubby will decide to pressure wash using bleach after I’m done. πŸ™„

    • Hi niecey. Outside I just use the leaf blower and blow the leaves back to the neighbors where they came from and throw any fallen branches back too. I don’t do any farming as I call it with plants and flowers. Sorry I don’t have any tips on that. What about just letting it all go el natural?

      • Posted by niecey456 on March 27, 2010 at 4:20 pm

        Hey Carol!
        πŸ˜† Great Tips! I love to garden, I just hate weeds and things that bite! I do let the lawn go “el natural”, I just mow it. The flowers are enough! Thank God for riding tractors and battery powered weed eaters. :mrgreen: I do go against manufacturing instructions for mowing and do it at a much lower setting, so I don’t have to mow as ofter. I have 2 1/2 acres. Use a mulching blade
        and don’t use a bag, then it’s plenty green for the afternoon. πŸ˜† Have your cook out that afternoon while it’s still green.

    • Posted by eggtreenews on March 29, 2010 at 10:21 am

      Hiya Niecey! Roses are gorgeous little beasts, but they’re MEAN if you get too close! Best to put them where they can’t attack you! You gave me an idea to do some gardening tips… :mrgreen:

      I just planted some jasmine and violas yesterday, and now we’ve got a HUGE storm blowing through. And cold! Feels like winter!

      • Posted by niecey456 on March 29, 2010 at 12:36 pm

        I was hoping you would! :mrgreen:
        I hope your flowers will be okay. I’ve been planting too.

  4. Hey Egg! I’ve got a great idea! Let’s start a cleaning buisness! We’d have houses done in no time with our plans! Fun and free exercise! I’ll bring the leaf blower and you bring the tomb of cleaning supplies! And then we can go into the Easter Egg dust bunny buisness!

  5. Posted by tired of all of this BS on March 27, 2010 at 10:40 pm

    Chit! I hate when I relate to all of these things. Sighhhh

  6. Posted by niecey456 on March 28, 2010 at 8:17 am

    Eggy & Carol, You would make a fortune! πŸ˜‰
    Great post Eggy!

  7. Another handy tip for cleaning TV screens; grab the cat and give the screen a couple of swips back and forth. The dust sticks on the cat and makes it’s hair all static filled. Fun and it works great. Hey, cats have nothing else to do all day except clean themselves off and sleep anyway. Make them useful.

  8. Egg, glad to see you finally put away your cleaning stuff and came up for air and joined us. Did you get everything done? I just got with resorting the attic and making a fire lane. Boy, looks like another rummage sale with all that crap up there. Ugh! Need a solar camping shower and tents? We’ve got ’em.

  9. You’ll all get a kick out of this. I can’t get the link to work but it is on You Tube, Rocko’s Modern Life – Spring Cleaning Song. Fun! That’ll get you in the mood for sure.
    Egg, if you can get the link to work, can you post that for me? You are a peach, thanks.

  10. HAPPY SPRING, EASTER, PASSOVER, WHATEVER TO ALL!!! May the Easter Bunny smile on you and Happy Easter Egg, get it? That was dumb. Ha!

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