Spring has arrived, and its time to clean that petri dish of germs you call a house! If you’re overwhelmed by the giant dustball tumbling through your kitchen, or the accidental science experiment growing in your bathroom, you’ve come to the right place. Egg Tree News will help you tackle those tough cleaning problems, to get your place sparkling clean in no time!
1. Set aside a block of time to get all your cleaning done. If there are visible waves of funk humming off your house, you’ll probably need to devote an entire week of your life to vanquishing them. Better call out sick from work. To really get into battle mode, invest in a hazmat suit. (Editor’s note: a Darth Vader or Storm Trooper costume can be substituted if a hazmat suit is not available).
2. Snow White had the right idea: whistle while you work. If you do not feel like working, but still long to whistle, hire seven kindhearted midgets to pick up your $hit as you whistle on the couch while watching Extreme Home Makeover.
3. It is common knowledge that your kitchen sink is filthier than your toilet bowl. So until you have thoroughly scrubbed the sink clean, wash all dishes in the toilet.
4. If your dog has carelessly strewn his mangy winter coat all over your carpet, and topped it off with a sprinkling of dandruff, then its time to bust out the vaccum from the Tomb of Unknown Cleaning Supplies. Dust the cobwebs off the old Hoover, familiarize yourself with the various settings and attachments, and watch in amazement as the fur maintains a death grip on your rug. Then just throw out the rug, and shave your dog.
5. Make sure to pull out all furniture, and thoroughly sweep dirt into an enormous ball in the middle of the room, making one giant dust bunny. To make cleaning time fun, let the kids name it before dumping it in the trash. (Editor’s note: avoid turning on overhead fans until you have properly disposed of the beloved pet dust bunny).
6. Thoroughly dust all surfaces, and all knicknacks atop said surfaces. Except your spouse’s nightstand. Instead, scrawl “Clean Up Your $hit” in the dust, and go buy yourself somethin pretty.
7. If cleanliness is next to Godliness, your bathroom is offensive to all things sacred. Do a controlled burn of that room, and start over from scratch.
8. Powerwash the exterior of your house to remove dirt, grime, and debris that has collected over the winter months. If you do not have a powerwasher, use your kids’ Super Soaker. If a Super Soaker is not available, a water pistol can be substituted (provided time is not a factor for you).
9. It is abnormal for your refrigerator to reek of dirty feet, or to shake and rattle on its own. If an angry monster screams “Zool” when you open the door, then you should call Ghostbusters. I cannot help you with that.
10. Still ready to faint at the thought of cleaning your house? Don’t stress out. Call a maid service, and meditate as they vaccum and dust around you.