Spring has officially sprung, and its time to hit the garden for some quality time with the Earth! Let Egg Tree News guide you through the gardening experience with the following helpful tips:
1. First things first: you MUST conquer the jungle of weeds in your backyard before preparing the land for planting. To accomplish this, you will need a couple grenades, and a Rambo costume. Stretch thoroughly to prevent injury, then sweat something fierce as you take a machete and shovel to anything the grenades didn’t wipe out.
2. Proper soil is essential for happy plants, so invest in a quality, nutrient rich mix. Before adding the mix, prepare the ground by spraying it with a hose and breaking up tough soil with a shovel. And just for $hits and giggles, blast the hose in your spouse’s face.
3. Some horticulture guy said once that the Earth laughs with flowers. So if you enjoy being the object of ridicule, plant flowers all around your home. Whenever they bloom, you’ll know that the Earth finds your life hysterical.
4. Snails are bastards of the worst variety. Rather than let them feast on your plants without compensation for your services, lure those ravenous slugs to their deaths with a cunning pie tin of beer. Then polish off the rest of that 12-pack while watching the neighborhood squirrels get drunk off your snail beer.
5. Try your hand at growing roses. They’re gorgeous beasts that smell intoxicating. They also enjoy stabbing you!
6. Wanna feel like a drug dealer, but don’t wanna deal with “the heat?” Plant a catnip bush, and watch in delight as all the neighborhood cats flock to get geeked off your stuff.
7. Place a small gnome statue in your yard to watch over your garden and take care of business. To keep him incognito, paint him in camouflage and give him sunglasses.
8. It is a well known fact that hummingbirds and butterflies have a sweet tooth. So if you wish to attract these dazzling creatures to your garden, be sure to plant flowers rich in candy.
9. Water gardens are a fun and rewarding new way to breed mosquitos!
10. Tend to your gardens at least once a week. If this is not possible, hire a gardener, and watch them do it as you sunbathe after a long week.