Gardening Tips

Spring has officially sprung, and its time to hit the garden for some quality time with the Earth! Let Egg Tree News guide you through the gardening experience with the following helpful tips:

1. First things first: you MUST conquer the jungle of weeds in your backyard before preparing the land for planting. To accomplish this, you will need a couple grenades, and a Rambo costume. Stretch thoroughly to prevent injury, then sweat something fierce as you take a machete and shovel to anything the grenades didn’t wipe out.

2. Proper soil is essential for happy plants, so invest in a quality, nutrient rich mix. Before adding the mix, prepare the ground by spraying it with a hose and breaking up tough soil with a shovel. And just for $hits and giggles, blast the hose in your spouse’s face.

3. Some horticulture guy said once that the Earth laughs with flowers. So if you enjoy being the object of ridicule, plant flowers all around your home. Whenever they bloom, you’ll know that the Earth finds your life hysterical.

4. Snails are bastards of the worst variety. Rather than let them feast on your plants without compensation for your services, lure those ravenous slugs to their deaths with a cunning pie tin of beer. Then polish off the rest of that 12-pack while watching the neighborhood squirrels get drunk off your snail beer.

5. Try your hand at growing roses. They’re gorgeous beasts that smell intoxicating. They also enjoy stabbing you!

6. Wanna feel like a drug dealer, but don’t wanna deal with “the heat?” Plant a catnip bush, and watch in delight as all the neighborhood cats flock to get geeked off your stuff.

7. Place a small gnome statue in your yard to watch over your garden and take care of business. To keep him incognito, paint him in camouflage and give him sunglasses.

8. It is a well known fact that hummingbirds and butterflies have a sweet tooth. So if you wish to attract these dazzling creatures to your garden, be sure to plant flowers rich in candy.

9. Water gardens are a fun and rewarding new way to breed mosquitos!

10. Tend to your gardens at least once a week. If this is not possible, hire a gardener, and watch them do it as you sunbathe after a long week.

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12 responses to this post.

  1. Hi Egg-O; Thank you for that very informative and humorous post. Ahhh, spring time, a breath of fresh air. Happy Earth day to all! Yes, started right here in good old WI. forty years ago. I remember they were handing out little trees and wild flower seeds for everyone to plant. The hippies always brought their own flowers, I brought dandy lions.

  2. Is Dr. Egg in? Could you please tell me what the heck mosquitos are good for? I personally think they are buzzing and biting winged hemorrhoids. I’ve tried to look up any good logical answers but found only a couple. One, is that their larvae feed fish. Ok, I have some old bread I can feed the fish with, skip that. Two, is they feed birds and bats. Now, I wasn’t born yesterday and I’ll tell ya that when I see birds with food in their beaks, it is some big ole worm or a moth, not a stinking mosquito. Nah, skip that ploy, I’m not buying it. Bats are weird, they probably like mosquitos, let ’em.
    Only the pregnant females bite to go after blood. Great, let’s get sexist right away. Speaking of blood sucking, have you bought any bug spray this year yet?! The price sky rocketed! I thought I was buying imported vodka at those prices per ounce! Whoa!
    Mosquitos carry viruses that cause malaria, jungle yellow fever, encephalitis and let’s not forget that ever popular West Nile virus. Wow, that’s quite a collection of illnesses that I wouldn’t want in the same room! Yuck!
    So, can anyone tell me what mosquitos are good for?

  3. Posted by eggtreenews on April 23, 2010 at 8:34 pm

    Hiya Carol! 🙂 Happy belated Earth Day to you as well!

    Mosquitos are bastards. Their role in the insect kingdom is to buzz around bitin everything they see, and to be a general nuisance. Their only other purpose is to feed the “skeeter eater” spiders. (They look kinda like daddy longlegs.) I can’t stand the smell of citronella, it gives me a headache, so I haven’t gotten any repellants. I just smack em if they come close to me. Bad skeeters!!!

    • Egg-O; let me know where I can get a whole herd of those spiders. Now, if only those spiders had wings, it would be game over! Citronella does suck, it smells like San-A-Flush.

      • You’ll find a bunch of them in the upper corners of your living room, unless you’re a regular duster. 🙂 maybe you could start a skeeter eater farm?! There’s an idea that’s been waitin to pop!

        • We’re in buisness!! Spiders meet mosquitos to the end! The last spiders I had in the corners of my room stole and entraped my swiffter duster. It’s still up there. It is quite a conversation piece to say the least. Lol!
          So, did you get your farming, (that’s what I call it), I mean gardening done?

          • So u have a swiffer dustpad crumpled into the upper corner of your living room, with a spider carcass attached to it? Are the cobwebs holding it in place? 😆 That’s some modern art right there. You oughtta work that image into your ad for the skeeter eater farm! 🙂

            I finished with the farming, at least for now… I think later this month I’ll plant some herbs, but for the time being, I’m good.

  4. So, the hub here planted a little garden. Not holding my breath on any of it. He doesn’t have the Jolly Green Giant green thumb but I have to give him credit for trying. Just the usual tomatoes, lettuce, herbs and of course zuchini, that will be all over the yard that you can’t even give away at the end of summer. He did make a fabulous wooden frame with fencing and plastic sheeting all around and a removable framed top for colder nights. I’m thinking of storing the deck chair cushions in it if the garden doesn’t start sprouting. Or the home for the spider farm – perfect!

  5. Posted by niecey456 on April 27, 2010 at 8:29 am

    Love It! Great Post Eggy! 😆

    BTW, Bats eat skeeters, and so do dragonflies. Dragon Flies love them. So do certain types of birds. I believe the Martin is one of them. So up with Martin houses and bat houses in the garden and by all means protect the dragonflies. (I call them Evenrudes.)

  6. Posted by eggtreenews on April 27, 2010 at 8:02 pm

    Hey ms Niecey!! This post was inspired by you, so I’m glad you liked it! 🙂

    Hmmm…bats and dragonflies on the skeeter eater farm, it is! Lord help the poor skeeter who ventures into that domain… MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

  7. Posted by BEES KNEES on April 28, 2010 at 10:18 am

    Points 1 & 2 pretty much describe my life for the past week or so! Describes my friend more though. Lucky for me that he did the breaking up of the soil.

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