The Oracular Egg: Jose Baez to Outdo Ferris Beuller

-Orlando, FL

Sources close to the Casey Anthony trial revealed this week that judicial embarrasment Jose “Ummmmmmmm…Uhhhhh” Baez has conveniently declared himself unavailable for 11 days in June, when several defense motions were set to be heard by Honorable Badass Blevin Perry, the new judge presiding over the case. This gave rise to speculation that Jose The Ruler of Incompetence could be preparing to waddle on to greener pastures now that Perry’s steel toed boots have replaced Judge Strickland’s defense-friendly, rose-scented slippers in the courtroom. To get to the bottom of the issue, Egg Tree News goes gypsy, and looks deep into the crystal ball to find out what Poppin Fresh Bozo REALLY has planned for those 11 days off in June:

1. Snoozing until noon in his racecar shaped bed with his obese pug, Casey Marie, snoring and drooling all over his Taco Bell themed sheets.

2. Breaking Casey Anthony out of jail for a few days by rigging a mannequin in her cot to stir when the cell door opens, and wiring a taped recording of her obnoxious voice to drive away the oblivious guards.

3. Dropping the full caseload on a resentful Lyon, who goes into mission mode to track him down and destroy him.

4. Calling amoral daredevil Todd Macaluso, and double daring him to steal Geraldo’s yacht for a wild adventure down the Hudson, where they’ll drunkenly sing “Danke Schoen” into a megaphone for all nearby boating enthusiasts.

5. Forcing Mason to pose as the real Colonel Sanders on a drunken trip to KFC so they can get a free heart attack in a bucket, then instigate a foodfight before departing.

6. Attending an Orlando Magic basketball game in full body paint and a thong, AND making the free throw at half time.

7. Taking a tour of the controversial new “Bull$hit Art Gallery” at the heart of Universal Studios, and getting transfixed by a massive sculpture called “Hopespring of Poop,” by Cindy Anthony.

8. Flying a blimp the size of his own a$$ over Orlando that reads “Save Casey: Make Checks Payable to The CMA Foundation. P.S. Show Me Your Tits”

9. Proposing to Casey in a hot tub filled with spicy peanuts and hot dogs.

10. Outrunning The Lyon as she chases him down driving a Kidfinders’ mobile billboard that displays ads for her new book, “Angel of Death Row.”

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45 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by BEES KNEES on April 28, 2010 at 8:43 am

    Oh, Eggy! I’ve been hoping you’d give us your interpretation of the latest!

    I nearly died at these: “judicial embarrasment Jose “Ummmmmmmm…Uhhhhh” Baez . . . Honorable Badass Blevin Perry . . . Jose The Ruler of Incompetence . . . waddle on . . . Judge Strickland’s defense-friendly, rose-scented slippers . . . ”

    “his obese pug, Casey Marie “. . . “6. ~ EWWWW! ” “P.S. Show Me Your Tits” HA HA HA HA HA . . .

    You don’t miss anything! Thanks!

  2. Posted by BEES KNEES on April 28, 2010 at 8:44 am

    Oh, yeah, I like the Ferris Bueller reference. I can see Jose rigging something like that up. LOL!

    • Howdy Bees! I’ve missed ya! 🙂 I can just see the guards cringing and walking away when that mannequin stirs and they hear the tape of Caseys uber-obnoxious valley girl voice babbling under the covers about her greasy hair, or some other such nonsense. 😆

  3. Posted by niecey456 on April 28, 2010 at 8:57 am

    😆 Good One Eggy! It’s good to know he has plans. I was beginning to think he was in the basement crying and begging his Johnny poster to forgive him. 😆 I love the vision of he and Macaluso on their wild adventure on Geraldo’s yacht. 😆

    • Hi Niecey! 11 Bueller days off for our Bozo! I think the yacht trip is kind of a Sayonara party for MacLoser, since he’s in deep guano with the California bar! LOL!

  4. #1, 6, 8 are my favorites

  5. Posted by BEES KNEES on April 28, 2010 at 9:35 am

    I’ve missed you too! I haven’t been too attached to my computer lately but I don’t know why I haven’t been checking Egg Tree News ~ I was thinking anything your wrote about Caylee’s case would just show up on the WordPress page I always start with but you’ve been writing about other cases, I see. So now I’ve got lots of laughing ahead for me as I get caught up with you! I just finished reading the Jolie/Depp story. Hilarious. Of course. And I hope it’s okay, I posted about my very briefest of meetings with Johnny a few years ago.

    OK ~ I’m off to read everything.

  6. Posted by Gahoundawg on April 28, 2010 at 9:37 am

    Love it!!! What a great wit!!! You my friend can blog with me anytime!!!!

  7. Posted by BEES KNEES on April 28, 2010 at 9:42 am

    Uuummmm . . . I THOUGHT I posted a long piece about Johnny on your Angie/Depp page but when I just checked it’s not there. I’ve done something wrong. Can I post it here? Or should I try again on the Depp page?

    • Yeah, I was wonderin why I couldn’t find it either, Bees! 🙂 Maybe give it one more shot on that thread and see if it works.

  8. Posted by BEES KNEES on April 28, 2010 at 10:08 am

    OK. It worked that time. I must have been doing something wrong.

    WOW!!! You have written a LOT that I wasn’t aware of! I wonder why you don’t show up on the WordPress page where the other Caylee blogs are listed. I should have bookmarked you a long time ago. I kept thinking, Gee, it’ll be good if Eggy starts blogging again. Ha ha ha . . . and there you were! Well, if I know anything at all I know my cheeks and my stomach are going to be aching with laughter today. BBL.

    PS: After posting that bit about Johnny Depp I started thinking maybe I’ve told you this story already! I hope not. If so, am sorry.

  9. Great stuff Egg – O!! LOL!!!! I love the blimp reference! I think I would be sick to see Bozo in full body paint, with a thong!!
    Don’t forget that he will be busy perfecting his new drink – Pepto and tequila – the PeptoRita! He can show case that new drink at Fushion! Perfect! Where all the low life, wanna be’s hang out.

  10. Posted by BEES KNEES on April 28, 2010 at 11:54 am

    Yeah, I hear you about Brad P. I wasn’t a big fan till I saw him live. You can get an idea of some these stars just by seeing how they act with their fans. I feel I’ve learned a bit by being in the background of red carpets. Some stars (like Gerard Butler) act really “entitled” and act totally assy and in his case quite a pig. But Brad has that certain je ne se qua about him. Seems very down-to earth, very genuine. Really takes his time with the fans. Seems completely humble. That was my read anyway. LOL! I’m talking like I actually know them. LOL! That all comes from just watching him for about an hour or so. LOL! I’m an expert!

  11. Posted by eggtreenews on April 28, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    Bees, u crack me up! Do you realize you’re on the wrong thread? 😆 Have you been chugging the Peptoritas? 😆

  12. Posted by Kitt on April 28, 2010 at 8:55 pm

    My first time to your blog. The above blog had me LOL and almost crying! Great stuff! Thanks!

  13. Posted by stef24 on April 28, 2010 at 10:08 pm

    Bless your heart, Egg. I got 2 implants last week (DENTAL! get your mind out of the gutter! LOL) that are majorly infected…but laughing my butt off at this was well worth the pain shooting up the right side of my face from having to open my mouth to laugh! The sad thing is, I can picture each scenario! Thanks for the laughs!

  14. Posted by BEES KNEES on April 29, 2010 at 3:18 pm

    No. No Peptorita for me. That’s just my daily meds (at least that’s what I blame). I was going back and forth a bit yesterday, it’s true! There’s a lot for me to get caught up on. It’s all good!

  15. Posted by BEES KNEES on April 29, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    Eggy, will you be able to watch the hearing tomorrow?

    • No maam, I will be occupado and out of pocket till the afternoon, but I will try and check in periodically to see what I’ve missed. I have a feeling Perry will become one of my favorite characters in all this. 😆

      • Posted by BEES KNEES on April 29, 2010 at 6:06 pm

        Hmmmm ~ drag! Well it’s always available online afterwards. I agree about Perry and like you said ~ he’s probably wearing some kickass Docs under his robe in contrast to Strickland’s soft, fuzzy slippers. HA HA HA!!!! That was good. I hope he doesn’t let us down.

  16. Hi Egg. Do you think all the meetings that the Judge slapped on Bozo si going to cut into his vacation time? I hope so. He really should check into a Fat Farm and lose some poundage though. ‘His girl’, looks like crap with that ‘fish belly winter white’ skin. Wisconsin term. HA!

    • Perry’s not messin around; Jose The Rotund may have to forego his Ferris Adventure and actually put together a case. I bet Strickland watched the hearing from his barca lounger, in his bathrobe, beer in hand, laughing his ass off.

  17. Posted by ~LisaG~ on May 1, 2010 at 3:14 pm

    Oh Egg, that was spectacular! Totally spot on 🙂

    Carol, Bozo in a thong would end the countries obesity problem, that’s for sure. Just one look at a photo of him like that, would cause anyone not to be able to eat, whether they needed to lose weight or not.

    • Hi Lisa! 🙂 Good to see ya!

      If all else fails, Baez can go on VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club!

      • He could go on the Biggest Loser show! Both for weight and personality!

        • LOL! They could make a complete cast out of the whole defense team. Can you imagine Jillian Michaels training them? Bullying Jose into pushing The Lyon up a steep hill in a wheelbarrow? 😆

  18. Posted by ~LisaG~ on May 3, 2010 at 6:45 am

    Carollllllllllll 🙂

    OMG Egg, now that would be a show I would watch! One thing for sure, KC and the defense never look like they miss a meal. KC has put on so much weight. That monster has no feelings, its all about her. She kills Caylee, then lives in up on her snack attack funds!

    *Snickering*

    She can’t tuck her blouses in anymore, thats for sure!

    • I’d really like to know who dresses her. Did you see her cleavage at the last hearing? Dirty pillows popping right outta her shirt… Does she really think that’s gonna do the job for Judge Perry? Her lawyers should know better…

  19. Well, I’ll be damned. All set to watch the hearing. Cooked supper already, chilled the beer, made popcorn, then nothing, nada, zip! As I was frantically flipping between In Session, HLN and two live streams on line, I thought I was going crazy and missing it! Dismissed today, continued May 14! (according to one blogger, don’t know where he got that from). I want my money back and need to sue somebody! That stinking BaAss did it again! Not ready! Did he go on his vacation early and forget that this civil hearing was today?! Why don’t they just throw him out and bar him?! I can’t take it anymore, really. Well, at least I have chilled beer and an afternoon off to lay in the sun. Good grief.

  20. Who the hell is Erika!? What’s going on here? Help! I just noticed that.

    • LOL, I was wonderin about that myself! I almost welcomed you to the site cuz you landed in moderation, then I recognized your avatar. That’s weird…at least you’re back to normal now..

      Hope you enjoyed the sunshine and the beer today! Its been dark and gloomy and pouring rain here all day.

  21. Can’t watch the show tomorrow morning. Having lunch and laughs with my son. Keep me informed of what went on with Bozo and the circus!

  22. Hi All. Just caught up on the hearing today. WHEW!!! Do you think Baez was sweating bullets today – YES! He wanted to buy two cars!!! HA! Is he high?! Then what, sell them on Ebay for more money?! LOL!!
    So, the MOTY doesn’t want to come to court anymore. Awww. Don’t kill people, then you won’t be in that situation BEATCH! The look on her face was priceless. She really needs anger management classes. She was burning holes in Perry with her soulless eyes. Loved it when they showed her fat a$$ dragging her chains out of court. The little Mary Janes look so good with chains!
    Nice K Mart blouse with clown ruffles. The only time she was having a good time is when that other attorney lady was probably telling her that Cindy’s taste in clothes really sucks buying her that blouse and she HAD to wear it! Oh, ha, ha, ha!
    Bad hair day? Not enough shampoo to get that pork rind grease out of your hair? Just use a couple of the thousands of ponytail holders you have.
    No G & C? What did they repo their cars and no one would pick them up hitch hiking? HA!
    Great day in court today.

  23. Happy Mother’s Day to all! Have a great day. And, oh yah, you too bozo!

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