Sources close to the Casey Anthony trial revealed this week that judicial embarrasment Jose “Ummmmmmmm…Uhhhhh” Baez has conveniently declared himself unavailable for 11 days in June, when several defense motions were set to be heard by Honorable Badass Blevin Perry, the new judge presiding over the case. This gave rise to speculation that Jose The Ruler of Incompetence could be preparing to waddle on to greener pastures now that Perry’s steel toed boots have replaced Judge Strickland’s defense-friendly, rose-scented slippers in the courtroom. To get to the bottom of the issue, Egg Tree News goes gypsy, and looks deep into the crystal ball to find out what Poppin Fresh Bozo REALLY has planned for those 11 days off in June:
1. Snoozing until noon in his racecar shaped bed with his obese pug, Casey Marie, snoring and drooling all over his Taco Bell themed sheets.
2. Breaking Casey Anthony out of jail for a few days by rigging a mannequin in her cot to stir when the cell door opens, and wiring a taped recording of her obnoxious voice to drive away the oblivious guards.
3. Dropping the full caseload on a resentful Lyon, who goes into mission mode to track him down and destroy him.
4. Calling amoral daredevil Todd Macaluso, and double daring him to steal Geraldo’s yacht for a wild adventure down the Hudson, where they’ll drunkenly sing “Danke Schoen” into a megaphone for all nearby boating enthusiasts.
5. Forcing Mason to pose as the real Colonel Sanders on a drunken trip to KFC so they can get a free heart attack in a bucket, then instigate a foodfight before departing.
6. Attending an Orlando Magic basketball game in full body paint and a thong, AND making the free throw at half time.
7. Taking a tour of the controversial new “Bull$hit Art Gallery” at the heart of Universal Studios, and getting transfixed by a massive sculpture called “Hopespring of Poop,” by Cindy Anthony.
8. Flying a blimp the size of his own a$$ over Orlando that reads “Save Casey: Make Checks Payable to The CMA Foundation. P.S. Show Me Your Tits”
9. Proposing to Casey in a hot tub filled with spicy peanuts and hot dogs.
10. Outrunning The Lyon as she chases him down driving a Kidfinders’ mobile billboard that displays ads for her new book, “Angel of Death Row.”