Casey Anthony Now a TOOTHLESS Moron

Former self proclaimed “Perfect 10” murderess, Casey Anthony, was officially demoted to “snagtooth ho” yesterday, when Karma tripped her up in her shackles, sending her flying face first into the ground on a routine field trip to court. The incident, which left guards (and others who haven’t murdered their children) snickering, left the certified idiot with a split lip, and a chipped front “toof.” Anthony, whose identity hinges entirely on her already rapidly fading sex appeal, was immediately taken to a doctor to assess the damage done to the hot tub tiles lining her gums. It is unclear at this time how extensive her injuries are, or if an equinary dentist will need to be consulted, but sources have confirmed she did, in fact, chip a tooth, officially rendering her a toothless moron.

With the homicidal harlot looking more like troubled singer Amy Winehouse everyday, many are speculating that Anthony orchestrated the fall in preparation for her breakout role as the scuzzy, toothless songbird in the straight-to-DVD cinematic gem, “Even Horseface Cowgirls Get the Blues: The Amy Winehouse Story.” Could this be the secret “media deal” funding Casey’s high-powered defense? If so, casting directors suggest she lay off the chili, grits, and bologne, and take up the Winehouse approved diet of crack-cocaine and alcohol, to achieve a more realistic physique for the film. “Other than her waistline, she’s a great fit for the role,” said one casting director. “She could play Amy with her eyes closed. She’s got the long dark hair that’s begging to go up in a beehive, the creepy undisclosed skin condition, the dead-behind-the-eyes stare that would look GREAT with eyeliner up to her brows, and she looks like she just rolled around in a dumpster of bacon grease with her drug dealer… and NOW she’s even got the trademark missing “toof.” That’s dedication. She just needs to get down to a size negative 3, and she’ll be set.”

But some fear that even if our shackled Butterball Beauty purges her way down to a Size Whine-O, the revenue earned from her performance will only cover a small portion of her legal fees. With “expert” witnesses to payoff, and evidence to tamper, Anthony needs to think even bigger. “She needs a real pot of gold at this point,” said one source close to the investigation. Perhaps this explains Casey’s love letter to the jailhouse Tooth Fairy, in which she demands “one kajillion dollars” in exchange for her fragmented snagtoof and an autographed pic of her mugshot. “If the Tooth Fairy doesn’t come through,” says the source, “she’s got a foolproof plan. First she’s gonna sue the crap out of the shackles for being too tight. Then the guards for failing to explain the fundamental mechanics of walking. Then the judge for MAKING her show up to court. Then the D.A. for pressing charges in the first place. One way or another, she’s gonna get that kajillion dollars.”

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60 responses to this post.

  1. Hi Egg-O; I can’t stop laughing at your post! Here are the two links to watch over and over for your viewing pleasure.
    Picture slide show: http://www.clickorlando.com/slideshow/news/23770275/detail.html
    Video of the great fall: http://www.clickorlando.com/video/23770296/index.html
    Does the ‘toof’ fairy give money for broken teeth? HAAA!!!!

  2. Posted by Lona1 on June 2, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    You are awesome and so funny! Award coming right up!

  3. They can fix that toof with a piano key and some of Horgie’s duct tape!

  4. See the resemblence? I do. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQ–ph9NOas&feature=related
    Ah, bella vita!

  5. Posted by niecey456 on June 2, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    πŸ˜† I knew there was a method to her madness. Ahh the self-entitled…….What will they think of next?

  6. Posted by niecey456 on June 2, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    I meant Casey’s madness.

  7. Besides her chains, she probably slide on some of that pork rind grease that dripped out of her hair!
    Does Amy keep all her drugs stashed in that bee hive or what?

    • Either that, or she’s stumbly wumbly from the secret prison microbrew she’s been crafting to help her get thru the unbearable hearings…. πŸ™‚

      • Send her a package of chicklets to plug in that space and call it a day! She is going to die anyway, why bother?

  8. Do you think the fall will damage her looks any? BAAWAAAHAAAA!!! I wish they would have just dragged her out by the chains and made her rewalk in correctly. She should learn from her mistakes. Don’t they have walking in restraints 101 when they first get to the jail? What a fricking nerd.

  9. Posted by Valhall on June 2, 2010 at 4:49 pm

    pffffffffffffffft! I love your humor…

    snagtooth ho.
    equinary dentist
    homicidal harlot

    lmao

    sigh

  10. Posted by BEES KNEES on June 2, 2010 at 7:02 pm

    “the damage done to the hot tub tiles lining her gums!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! Oh, Eggy! You funny!!!!!

  11. Posted by aedrys on June 2, 2010 at 7:45 pm

    Egg, you SLAY ME! I SO needed this article today! ROFL!!!!! You are the best and we are not worthy!!!! *kneels and worships you*

  12. Posted by sophie on June 3, 2010 at 6:35 am

    There are people in jail who get their teeth chipped/knocked out/fall out every day. Do they get special assessment treatment? What ever happened, if she can live and eat and breathe with her chipped/lost tooth, she shouldn’t get it cosmetically repaired. If she does, that’s B.S. She should be treated like any other prisoner.

    • I’m totally with you on that. She shouldn’t get special treatment. But something tells me Baez will push for the state to pay for a whole new grill of solid gold “teef.” πŸ™‚

  13. Posted by moe on June 3, 2010 at 9:56 am

    you all are to funny, She did it to herself.So she able to say that someome else did it,and not her self bow whow.Ihope that shee is in a lot of pain,because she really did’nt care how her only child was going throw. she is a sick bitch.let’s see if they fix it with duck tape.

    moe

  14. I can’t believe You Tube doesn’t have a vid of her falling yet, I just checked. I can picture it now, her falling and then back up in reverse over and over with a rap song playing! Brilliant! Egg, maybe you should make one.

  15. Posted by BEES KNEES on June 3, 2010 at 12:39 pm

    Hi Sweetie! I miss you too! I’ve just been indulging in a little holiday time. I have to say that even though I made a consious desision not to bring any technology along with me, I usually fretted every one of those day that I was going to miss a BOMBSHELL!!!! When I logged on yesterday I half-expected to see five-inch high letters screaming that Casy had confessed EVERYTHING. Implicating Cindy, too ! Ha ha ha ha! Ah-hem!!! That not being the case, I’m settling in today to try and pick up where I left off last week. I re-read your “Toofless Moron” again today and nearly died laughing. SO good. SO funny. Hee! Sides SO sore . . . weak . . . I’ve been away for a week and have to build up some Eggy muscles in time for the next one!

  16. Posted by hatcat7 on June 4, 2010 at 9:07 am

    Funny, funny stuff! Thank you!

  17. Posted by Marica on June 6, 2010 at 2:36 am

    Loved the write!!!! You never fail to make me laugh on even my worst days.

  18. Posted by Dorothy on June 6, 2010 at 11:32 am

    Where is George Anthony ? He has not been in court lately.. I am sure you can treat us with what may have happened to Georgie.. LOL

    • Georgie is busy bass fishing on the SS Caylee Marie with Dennis Milstead! With any luck, they’ll head to the Gulf of Mexico! :mrgreen:

  19. Posted by Gahoundawg on June 8, 2010 at 5:39 am

    LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!! You, my friend, are real good!!! Amy Weinhouse….. LMAO!!!!!!!!!!

  20. Posted by Gahoundawg on June 8, 2010 at 5:40 am

    β€œShe could play Amy with her eyes closed. She’s got the long dark hair that’s begging to go up in a beehive, the creepy undisclosed skin condition, the dead-behind-the-eyes stare that would look GREAT with eyeliner up to her brows, and she looks like she just rolled around in a dumpster of bacon grease with her drug dealer…
    ——————————–
    LMAO!!!!!!!!!! or her lawyers….

  21. Posted by Gahoundawg on June 8, 2010 at 5:51 am

    With your sense of humor if you still keep up with the Haleigh Case I guess you missed the whole “Granny Flo Hollers” on tv there for a while… lol…. she was Screaming for you to write about that…..lol

    • I heard all about Grandma Flo! πŸ˜† I still follow Haleigh’s case, but I’ve grown so sick of watching all the Croslins throw eachother under the bus, I just needed to take a lil break from posting on it…. I’ll for sure get back to it, eventually.

      But yeah, Flo is a real peach, aint she?! πŸ™‚

    • Hey Gahoundawg, read some of Egg’s older posts, killer. Especially Misty Crolin’s last three brain cells….. This woman is the Queen of Humor!

  22. Posted by valleygirl on June 9, 2010 at 10:23 am

    BAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAA – I love to read your articles!! Soooo funny! Do you remember the classic Christmas cartoon — where the wizard sings — “put one foot in front of the other”? Plays constantly in my mind while I watch her face plant so gracefully!!!

  23. Posted by valleygirl on June 9, 2010 at 10:24 am

    Hi gahoundawg!!! OS got you down? The article here provide excellent comic relief!!

  24. Posted by valleygirl on June 9, 2010 at 10:31 am

    My personal fave is local imbecile a soul sucking mooch, shameless pervert — it’s a must read! The Anthony’s are a treasure trove of absolute nonsense!

    • Indeed they are. One of my faves to write was “Local Fool Calls Press Conference to Complain about Media Attention.” They are a bottomless well of tomfoolery….

  25. Posted by RoseAnne on June 9, 2010 at 10:43 am

    Mind if I join in? Love the humor.

  26. Posted by valleygirl on June 9, 2010 at 2:37 pm

    Absolutely — that was ‘Local Fool’ is a classic!! I don’t know how the person doing the interview kept a straight face!! I can’t take all of his expressions — who says he can’t work, he can play the Grinch on Broadway!!

  27. Posted by Victoria on June 9, 2010 at 6:11 pm

    Loved the homicidal harlot, ho bag. Especially the hot tub tiles lining her gums. I needed a good laugh today so it was much appreciated and thank you!

  28. Posted by jon on June 14, 2010 at 7:11 am

    I’ve been away for two weeks and out of the loop, but this is a riot! Now maybe Casey can hook up with the Croslins in the dental department! If they have to yank the broken toof, hope they do it without pain killers and tape it so we can watch the bitch scream.

  29. Posted by 38special on October 16, 2010 at 1:25 pm

    OMG Eggy another great one I missed! Maybe if the Whinehouse gig doesn’t pan out she could hook up with her mother’s in-house producer, Jim L and push for a Hee Haw comeback. She’s already got the daisy dukes shorts at home (if Sindy hasn’t worn em out in her “dress up” nights with G-string Georgie), she’d be perfect, hair in pony tails….yahoo!!

    • Hey 38! Sup, always good to see you! Better late than never, I say…

      Those Daisy Dukes are actually for a Dukes of Hazard remake scheduled to start shooting later this year. Bo and Luke will be played by Lee and Dominic. Cindy will take on the role of Boss Hogg, and George her inept deputy. Daisy will be played by none other than Jose Baez. πŸ‘Ώ πŸ˜† πŸ‘Ώ

      • Posted by 38special on October 16, 2010 at 10:58 pm

        LOLLOL Sweeeeeeet. it don’t git no better than that!
        Ya know, after giving it a little thought, Jose is a good choice to play daisy. At first I thought, no, but now that I really take a hard look at him, I;ve changed my mind. He’s growing some man-boobs and his weekly electrolysis appts are really paying off, there’s only a small thatch of gnarled chest hair left. They will need to only shoot him from the front cause the special order heavy duty wax hasn’t arrived from Russia yet for his backside. ( Scuuze me for a sec while I puke a little)

        I surely hope there’s a bit part in this for FogHorn LegHorn, he’s a natural, no Southern accent coach needed, maybe just closed caption any speaking he may do since nobody ever knows what the hell he’s saying anyway.
        Can’t wait for it, me and my tub-o-orville redenbacher are yeehaa ready!

        • According to my sources, Mumbles Mason will be the narrator of the show; the voice-over who drops the cliffhanger before commercial breaks, as the General Lee-mobile freezes midair during a jump over a swampy southern lake.

          And rumor has it Jose (in all his brainiac glory) has melted down candle wax to take care of those pesky patches of back fur. LKB has promised to put her superior aesthetician skills to use, and rip it clean for him. πŸ™‚ Smooth like a baby’s bottom!

  30. Posted by Sissy on May 18, 2011 at 7:18 am

    LMAO….Hilarious stuff!

  31. Posted by BV on July 6, 2011 at 3:50 am

    did somebody say Kharma

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