Former self proclaimed “Perfect 10” murderess, Casey Anthony, was officially demoted to “snagtooth ho” yesterday, when Karma tripped her up in her shackles, sending her flying face first into the ground on a routine field trip to court. The incident, which left guards (and others who haven’t murdered their children) snickering, left the certified idiot with a split lip, and a chipped front “toof.” Anthony, whose identity hinges entirely on her already rapidly fading sex appeal, was immediately taken to a doctor to assess the damage done to the hot tub tiles lining her gums. It is unclear at this time how extensive her injuries are, or if an equinary dentist will need to be consulted, but sources have confirmed she did, in fact, chip a tooth, officially rendering her a toothless moron.
With the homicidal harlot looking more like troubled singer Amy Winehouse everyday, many are speculating that Anthony orchestrated the fall in preparation for her breakout role as the scuzzy, toothless songbird in the straight-to-DVD cinematic gem, “Even Horseface Cowgirls Get the Blues: The Amy Winehouse Story.” Could this be the secret “media deal” funding Casey’s high-powered defense? If so, casting directors suggest she lay off the chili, grits, and bologne, and take up the Winehouse approved diet of crack-cocaine and alcohol, to achieve a more realistic physique for the film. “Other than her waistline, she’s a great fit for the role,” said one casting director. “She could play Amy with her eyes closed. She’s got the long dark hair that’s begging to go up in a beehive, the creepy undisclosed skin condition, the dead-behind-the-eyes stare that would look GREAT with eyeliner up to her brows, and she looks like she just rolled around in a dumpster of bacon grease with her drug dealer… and NOW she’s even got the trademark missing “toof.” That’s dedication. She just needs to get down to a size negative 3, and she’ll be set.”
But some fear that even if our shackled Butterball Beauty purges her way down to a Size Whine-O, the revenue earned from her performance will only cover a small portion of her legal fees. With “expert” witnesses to payoff, and evidence to tamper, Anthony needs to think even bigger. “She needs a real pot of gold at this point,” said one source close to the investigation. Perhaps this explains Casey’s love letter to the jailhouse Tooth Fairy, in which she demands “one kajillion dollars” in exchange for her fragmented snagtoof and an autographed pic of her mugshot. “If the Tooth Fairy doesn’t come through,” says the source, “she’s got a foolproof plan. First she’s gonna sue the crap out of the shackles for being too tight. Then the guards for failing to explain the fundamental mechanics of walking. Then the judge for MAKING her show up to court. Then the D.A. for pressing charges in the first place. One way or another, she’s gonna get that kajillion dollars.”