((((BOMBSHELL)))): Van der Slut Totally Screwed by FBI, Peru

-Lima, Peru

Mind blowing new details have emerged recently in the Joran van der Sloot case, rocking the very foundation of justice around the globe- nay, the universe. Everyone’s favorite misunderstood murderer has (thankfully) found a way to inform us, from the depths of his squalid Peruvian prisonhole, that he is the innocent victim of an international plot to frame him for the slaying of Stephany Flores-Ramirez.

Wait for it…

According to the maniacal manslut, law enforcement agencies from various countries banded together to form what he calls the “Axis of F**kery” hellbent on destroying him. “Their evil knows no limits,” said Van der Slut, sporting his classic “caveman in the middle of a silent but deadly fart” expression, as he detailed the FBI’s intricate, diabolical plot. According to the wind-breaking Neanderthal, the nefarious agency went to great lengths to lure him all the way around the globe. “They layed a long trail of 25K $1 bills (and some free GHB), from The Netherlands to Peru; it was a really dirty trick they played on me,” whined the freshly orange-haired, black-hearted excreta. “Not only did they line the path to Lima with American dollars soaked in Beth Holloway-Twitty’s tears, but they also threw in my favorite first date candy. They knew I couldn’t resist that. What else was I supposed to do? This was clearly entrapment.”

The mysogynistic playboy went on to claim that in PHASE 2 of the sinister operation, the FBI orchestrated the high stakes poker tournament at the end of the money trail in Lima, essentially strapping the known gambler to a poker table right next to the unfortunate Stephany Flores-Ramirez. And it was at this point, claims Van der Sloot, that Peru merrily joined the Axis of F**kery, by rigging the tournament so that Stephany would walk with his cash, pissing him off to no end.

With their target now broke, humiliated, and seething with fury, the tricky cops then ordered Stephany, a petite 21-year old student, to follow Gigantaur Psychokiller Joran back to his hotel. You know, just to see what would happen… And when Joran left the hotel a short time later for some coffee and bible study, police raided his room Ninja style, miraculously avoiding the many surveillance cameras in the building, and brutally murdered Stephany by smothering her with the very shirt Joran had worn earlier that evening.

Needless to say, this bombshell contradicts the “confession” given by the Dutch(oven)man when he was first arrested for the crime, after a bad bleach job and a scenic cab ride through Chile. As it turns out, however, Joran really only signed that pesky sworn confession after being threatened with physical violence by police. It is unknown, however, if these threats were made before or after they promised him his signature would actually extradite him to Aruba, as he reported yesterday.
In the wake of these shocking revelations, a world police task force dropped everything and jumped right on the case. “Joran Van der Sloot’s claims are number one on our list of priorities. This young man has always been truthful with law enforcement in the past; we’ll get to the bottom of the issue immediately, and bring the Axis of F**kery to justice, rest assured.”

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6 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by CHRISTINE on June 26, 2010 at 7:46 am

    WHAT A POST……..TOTALLY HYSTERICAL…..

    Keep ’em comin………

  2. Posted by niecey456 on June 28, 2010 at 6:02 pm

    Well now…………Doesn’t that just sound like the Slug??? 😆 Seems the Judge didn’t buy it.

  3. Oh, ha, ha, ha!!! Really, what a swell guy he is! He did buy her coffee before he killed her though.
    I was wondering where Bozo went on his vacation. I guess Urine turned him down to be his attorney when he showed up! He can hang the rope around his own neck. Great post Egg!

  4. Posted by Lori on July 8, 2010 at 9:55 am

    Now tell me…is it just me…or doesn’t this Vanderslut look just like a sock monkey?….or what?

    • Lori, yea, it’s something about the guys’ head shape, like a gourd or a peanut. Well, it’ll all look good in a noose anyway.

  5. Posted by 38special on July 23, 2010 at 8:45 pm

    Well, well,Joran has finally found his intellectual equals in Peruvian prison. All of his dreams can come true now. He can play cards and gamble, of course it won’t be for money, it’ll be for spam and toilet paper squares.
    He can act out his wildest sex fantasies or at least be the star of some greasy, hairy dude’s wet dream. Probably the kinkier, the better and violence? Well, Van der Slut, won’t it be fun for him to finally, at last, get to feel his bones being broken or even more fun, choking for air? All in a nights fun.

    Joran brings out the dark in me but I agree that he does really look like a sock monkey and by now he prolly smells like a orangutan.

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