THE FIRST EVER ANTHONY ACADEMY AWARDS SHOW!
Awards for the July 15 Hearing:
*** BEST SUPPORTING BRA***
Let’s face it: we have slim pickins in this category. Let’s just be happy none of these gals have pierced nipples. Cuz with their girls hanging so low, any spiteful squirrels passing through the courtroom would jump up and use them as gymnastics rings, potentially causing some serious damage. But seriously… in the end, the award goes to Casey.
***BEST SILENT MUMBLING MOUTH***
Jose bagged this award the second his notorious silent-but-deadly farts qualified for nomination.
***STELLAR LIE OF THE DAY***
“I believe Caylee is still alive.”
***LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD***
This is a no-brainer. Casey earned this one fair and square (for the first time ever), by successfully walking from the elevator all the way across the hall and into the courtroom, with all of her teeth still intact.
***THE WINSTON CHURCHILL AWARD FOR ELOQUENCE***
This was a challenging category for the Academy, with the plethora of brilliant wordsmiths on the defense team to choose from. However, they finally narrowed it down to Baez, for using “ummmm” and/or “uhhhhhh” less frequently than Mason in today’s proceedings.
***BEST SET DESIGN***
This award goes to the ever-imaginative Ringmaster Jose Baez, for organizing gum and peanut vendors, Big Mac stands, and Squirrel Pizza Hut kiosks in the courthouse hallway. Extra points were earned for the mural of topless rollerskating cocktail waitresses he frescoed on the courtroom walls.
This highly esteemed honor goes to Cindy, for enduring all of that grueling questioning without any gum. What a trooper! Did you see her jaw grinding like a gremlin on cocaine?!?!
(This category is sponsored by the 2008 Zanny Hair Straightener– available exclusively at Perfect 10 Nanny Salons):
Duh. Our Damsel of Doritos scored this one, for using bean dip instead of gel in her hair.
(This category is sponsored by the CMA Foundation’s fashion line– available in the “Crap That’s More Important Than Your Missing Kid” section at your local Target, between the beer and the Tyson’s frozen chicken)
It is a well known fact that drab blouses with subtle ruffles make one innocent of murder. The Academy is hip to this, and thereby honors Casey for her endless fashion knowledge.
***BEST ORIGINAL SCORE TO TESTIMONY***
Even though the Academy was moved by Jose’s Cazoo and Armpit Fart Symphony during the prosecution’s comments, the award goes to the mysterious genius who rigged the canned laughter to go off when Cindy emitted the Stellar Lie of the Day. The Academy’s money is on Ashton.
***THE LONE ROSE GROWING IN A WASTELAND OF FILTH***
Sweet, sweet Kathi Belich. How do we love thee…? Smellin like a rose in the middle of the Anthony stinkpile out there in the gallery…
Egg Tree News Correspondent Carol came up with the idea for this post, and contributed heavily. Thanks Carol! 🙂