Insufferable douchebag with a law license, Jose Baez, threw a great big noisy fuss yesterday on Facebook, when he destroyed his carefully crafted collage of uploaded personal photos in a fit of rage. The collage, a masterpiece of digital scrapbooking the likes of which this world has never seen, took years of arts and crafts time to assemble. Upon completion, the proud Hispanic Hero even graciously set his profile to “public” to share his artistic endeavors with the rest of humanity. However, it was all dismantled in a heartbeat, when Jose discovered that a group of sinister classmates were laughing at his publicly displayed photos just for $hits and giggles.
“I was on the jungle gym at recess when his meltdown started,” said one witness who wished to remain anonymous. “Jose was eating Ho-Ho’s in his shamrock onesy, and looking at nudey mags under the bleachers all alone like usual, when he heard people chuckling about his Facebook pics. Man, was he pissed off… He stormed onto the playground beating his chest like a bloated gorilla, with tears streaming down his cake-smeared face, threatening to tell the teacher.”
It was at this point, claims the witness, that things got even more disturbing. “Its like he channeled his inner Mel Gibson and went f*ing psycho; he kept panting, and shouting they were HIS private pics, and the other kids had no right to look at them without paying him, or at least blowing him. Just totally irrational stuff. Then he grabbed his ass cheeks and waddled off toward the bathroom, saying he would sue the entire school if he had to.”
After voiding his bowels in a hissy fit, and asking the nurse for a new pair of undies, Jose promptly returned to his laptop, face still beet red with fury, and announced over the school’s loudspeaker that he would be changing his Facebook profile to “Private,” thank you very much. And with the click of a button, the world was denied forevermore the fine art skills of Jose Baez. (Unless, of course, we’re honored with a personal invitation to his bachelor pad, where the hard copies of the photos in question are prominently displayed on his refrigerator door, next to Casey’s courtroom doodles. Holding them in place is Jose’s patented magnetic poetry kit, filled with nothing but ummmms and uhhhhhs).