New Study Reveals ‘Jailhouse Snack Reports’ Taint Jury Pools

-Orlando, FL

Colossal douchebag Jose Baez shared the results of a fascinating new study this week, hoping to stop the media from reporting on his girl Casey Anthony’s bigtime jailhouse snack attack habit. According to the dough-headed oaf, publicizing the amount of spicy peanuts, chili, and peanut butter cups ordered by Our Shackled Damsel of Doritos only serves to taint the future jury pool, compromising her right to a fair trial.

“Your Honorness, my client is entitled to fatten up in peace, without threat of public ridicule,” said the hefty judicial embarrasment in the motion filed yesterday. “Super serious studies performed by me and my team of experts- *cough* Mason *cough*- show that bitches with egos can’t handle criticism, and that’s my girl. Oh, and juries don’t like tubby defendants. Word up. You can check out the study here, on the back of this KFC placemat. Dig it.”

But Baez’s latest buffoonery has left many reporters scratching their heads for what feels like the gajillionth time. “How many times has this waste of human flesh had the Florida Sunshine Laws explained to him,” inquired one flabbergasted spectator. “PUT DOWN THE BONG, Jose, and put on your listening ears. Florida Discovery law. Read it.”

When asked why the defense team opposed the gag order requested by the state back in 2008, which would’ve limited media discussion of the Junkfood for Jailbirds Fund and other (far more damaging) details of the case, Jose replied, “Well… You see, ummm…Your Reporterness… Death is different, and we need to fund our case by flooding CBS and ABC with misinformation and half truths. Plus Geraldo got me totally hammered after my FOX interview; it was awesome, we went to a VIP strip club and everything….But ummm….clearly, the state wants to kill my client. They know she’s porking out in jail. They’ve read the numbers in my official study, so they know jurors hate fattys. We all know. And now you know. And I know you know. And the state knows I know they know. Yeah…Wabbit season. Duck season. Suck it, skinny bitches! But first show me your tits!”

In other Anthony news, pillpopping dingbat Cindy announced to the annoying, intrusive media that she will be donating a pair of Caylee’s shoes to charity.

πŸ™„ So ya think she’s still alive, huh Cin-Cin? πŸ™„

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36 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by stef24 on August 26, 2010 at 10:06 am

    “Our Shackled Damsel of Doritos”–good Lord! LOL…one day, I WILL learn to NEVER have food in my mouth when reading these posts…do you know how painful it is to blow a piece of cheese out of your nose while laughing hysterically? Now I’m going to have to use my Neti pot to make sure all of the cheese is out! LOL…but that’s OK…it was worth it!

  2. Aaaahahaha! You rock your egginess.

  3. HAAAA!!!! Good one Egg!!
    I say let the Casey Calorie Farm get as fat as a whale and just roll her into court. Oh, wait, there already is a Save the Whales group.
    It is a good thing that Caylee is in a much better place now. Sitting around the house with the Crisco Queen, if the snacks ran out, Crazy might have eaten Caylee!
    I sure wish Bozo would start writing those motions on toilet paper, at least then they’d have a good use!
    Were those the same shoes that Caylee was supposed to have on the day she was murdered and left the house barefoot? LE better check that out for evidence before she gives them away! I hate the Antholes and SINdy is on the top of the list.

  4. Posted by jen on August 26, 2010 at 10:18 am

    LOL!

    No comment really just wanted to be able to sign up for th follow up notifications. Thank you.

  5. ATTENTION PEOPLE, ANNOUNCEMENT:
    SUNDAY, AUGUST 29TH IS EGG’S BIRTHDAY. I WILL BE HAVING A PARTY AT MY HOUSE AT 2:00, MARGARITA’S AND CAKE, THAT EGG WILL BAKE AND BRING. COME ONE, COME ALL!!!

  6. Posted by Spacely on August 26, 2010 at 10:39 am

    “on the back of this KFC placemat”

    I hope he submitted up the right one – his law degree is written on the back of another fast food placemat and he wouldn’t want to misplace that – although come to think of it, I believe it was a Denny’s or Big Boy’s done with those free crayons.

    • Spacely, his law degree is on the back of a Dunkin Donuts napkin. The coffee ring frames the date perfectly. πŸ™‚

      • Posted by Spacely on August 26, 2010 at 11:22 am

        Oh, right, it was his first mortgage on the foreclosed house that was on the Denny’s placemat with his “I promise to pay” in greasy green crayon with a four color rainbow underlining his signature.

        Thanks for the clarification.

        • Correctamundo, Space Dawg. But don’t forget the fine detail of the V-shaped birds soaring above that 4-color rainbow. Jose is particularly proud of that.

          • Posted by Spacely on August 26, 2010 at 11:44 am

            Yeah, those birds were really cool. I have to admit to a bit of jealousy and plagerism as I have used them myself in comment boxes to add that dramatic flair of the freedom of flight.

            V V V V V V V
            V V V V V V
            V V V V V
            V V V V
            V V V
            V V
            V

            -O—-*-O–

            I do prefer that mine fly in formation, though…

            … and over the top of Jose’s car…

            I hope you can recogize Jose as the * …

            … which is how I often think of him…

            …*&^%$#@! attorney…

  7. Posted by Spacely on August 26, 2010 at 10:47 am

    Cindy’s recent shoe announcement is the first step in her master plan to dominate the world of tax free donations by eliminating all rival charities to the CMA within the greater Orlando area.

    Today, Walgreens. Tomorrow, Orlando. Take the weekend off. Monday, Florida. Tuesday… The World…

    It’s like the plot of a bad James Bond movie gone Anthony…

    If you think that is scary, wait until you see Cindy’s mini-me:

  8. Posted by Spacely on August 26, 2010 at 10:52 am

    Please remember if you do donate shoe, please complete the donation form with all the personal information requested like name, telephone number, address, where you were on June 16, 2008, if you have ever internet gamed with Kronk, if you believe in the death penalty, and if you are able to afford an attorney to represent you should you be identified as a possible “Other Dude Dunit”.

    Don’t worry, no Mark NeJamers here, so your form will flow smoothly and quickly to Jose and the Dreamers for instant Kronking.

  9. Hey Eggy! πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜† I wonder if after trial the nut wagon will pick these people up? I’m beginning to wonder if the A’s and Jose are all distantly related, as it’s just too scary to think there are that many gene pools running around out there that are that wacked out.

    Hey Carol! What can I bring girlfriend?

  10. Posted by Molly on August 26, 2010 at 11:10 am

    LOL, LOL I really wonder what baez thinks. scary

    the shoe charity now says they have no association with cindy. lol and again it looks like cindy did more damage than good as several other sites for the shoe collections has cancelled. good work cindy.

    http://seamusoriley.blogspot.com/2010/08/charity-responds-to-cindy-anthony.html

  11. LOL….great reading as usual. That damn weasel, Jose Baez, is just asking for trouble! He is SO DAMN EMBARRASSING to watch in court! LOL!!!!!!!!!!

  12. SUNDY AUG. 29th IS EGG’S BIRTHDAY!!!!!! YEAH EGG, YOU GO GIRL!!!!!

  13. Posted by lifesabeach on August 27, 2010 at 10:37 am

    This is the funniest blog ever. Dough-headed oaf….lolol. You had me in tears at my desk. Thanks!

  14. Posted by Swift Justice on August 27, 2010 at 11:02 am

    Oh yeah, I can see where a bag of Doritos and Beef Jerky would taint the jurors…..yeah, definitely.

    Instead of Cindy mailing Casey Snack money, she could donate that towards some other worthwhile charity…….OH WAIT…….forget it……that would mean Cindy would get another spot before the cameras……..and God knows, we don’t want that.

    Cindy, just get a haircut……do us that favor please.

    Do they check your hair for contraband before entering the courtroom Cindy?
    Lord knows what’s lurking under those tresses it could even be an arsenal.

  15. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TODAY, TO MY GOOD FRIEND EGG-O. WE LOVE YOU. WRITE ON!!!!

  16. Posted by Danna on August 29, 2010 at 7:51 am

    Happy Birthday and may your birthday wish come true!

  17. Posted by Spacely on September 2, 2010 at 7:12 pm

    BROMANCE REVEALED INVOLVING LOCAL ATTORNEY AND NATIONAL TV HOST

    Geraldo Rivera today declared his undying love and admiration for Orlando attorney, Jose Baez.

    We here at Spacely’s Spinners were able to land an exclusive interview. We began by commenting that someone was a very lucky fellow indeed.

    β€œAre you picking on my friend Jose Baez?” Rivera asked when we started talking.

    The happy couple have been conducting a long distance relationship for the past two years.

    β€œWe’ve been friends since I got to know him through TV. We share a common ethnic heritage,” says Rivera.

    Although separated by more than a 3 hour flight most of the year, the amorous pair do try to spend quality time together celebrating special occasions.

    β€œHe was up here for my birthday,” said Rivera, who is 67.

    It seems that Baez has long wished to bring their relationship out into the public eye, but coy Rivera has been reluctant to reveal the shocking secret until now. How does the long-time TV host describe his partner’s patience and fortitude while waiting for his wish to come true?

    Rivera said. β€œIf you cut through the BS, he’d be a hero.”

    Whoa, there, loverboy, don’t give away all your bedroom secrets to the home audience just yet!

    Rivera says he believes they have what it takes to make their relationship last, not like so many of the Hollywood couples you see flame out early in the game. Exactly how long does he see them together?

    β€œFifteen to 20 years would be fine, including time served,” Rivera chuckled.

    But what about his partner’s current wife and children? We asked Rivera how he felt Baez’s impending move to New York would affect his current Florida family.

    Rivera said. β€œIt’s a sad aspect of human existence. It’s been happening since the beginning of time. These are not the people Florida has lethal injection for.”

    And Rivera added: β€œIn an enlightened society, to put her to death is absurd. I’m so scornful of that effort.”

    Yes, intense feelings indeed, but it’s to be expected with the stress of the public revelation. We thought maybe a divorce was in the future, but it seems they are considering a more permanent solution to custody issues.

    We here at Spacely’s Spinners wish the two all the happiness they can muster.

    http://blogs.orlandosentinel.com/entertainment_tv_tvblog/2010/09/casey-anthony-geraldo-rivera-says-clearly-guilty-casey-anthony-faces-absurd-overprosecution.html

    • Posted by Danna on September 3, 2010 at 3:02 am

      rofl…..Casey Anthony was unavailable for comment…..

    • Correspondent Spacely,

      Excellent article. I spat up my coffee and even choked a little!

      “Including time served….” LMAO

      Anytime you want access to the EggTreeNews Dashboard to post these gems of yours at will, you just lemme know!! πŸ™‚

      • Posted by Spacely on September 3, 2010 at 8:35 am

        Eggy,

        I am happy just to throw ’em in the comments, but if you really like one, you are always free to copy-paste it as an article.

        Just doing my part to get the latest news to my egg-cellant editor-in-chief!

        πŸ™‚

        “time served” was Geraldo’s actual comment, I’m just tickled it worked out so well in my article.

        πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†

  18. Posted by Spacely on September 3, 2010 at 8:42 am

    If you want to read some really funny stuff, check out the comments on this article by the blogger Caroline:

    http://seamusoriley.blogspot.com/2010/08/mail-fraud-cindy-anthony-letter.html

    When you get to the bottom, there is are the highlighted words “new” and “newest”. Apparently, we hit the max load for the page and the comments continue if you hit “new”.

  19. Posted by Spacely on September 3, 2010 at 4:27 pm

    Local Attorneys Announce Televised Wrestling Match

    It all started earlier this afternoon when smack-talking local attorney Cheney Mason, known to wrestling fans everywhere as Mumbles the Maurader, issued a challenge to fellow local attorney, David Evans, better known as the Kronkinator.

    Mumbles told us in an exclusive interview that for years he has been keeping a list of his most hated arch-enemies on a chalkboard in his locker. Once a name hits his list, they hit the ground, hard.

    β€œI can put anyone on the list if we think they’re involved in potentially discoverable evidence,” said Anthony defense attorney Cheney Mason.

    Yes, he’s making his list and checking it twice. He enjoys using the lawyer talk in his rants from the ring to his fans because even if they can get past his mumbles, they still can’t make heads or tails of what he’s talking about. Although often imitated, Mumbles says his brand has lasted because he also skips verbs and sometimes nouns for paragraphs of dialogue on end. As he reaches retirement, he has been passing on his skills to protege, Jose Baez.

    But don’t count the Kronkinator out just yet! He wasn’t about to let Mumbles’ jab go by without a slick retort.

    β€œI’m not going to permit myself to be dismissed as Mr. Kronk’s counsel without a fight over it,” Evans said.

    The tension is high as we all await this no holds barred event, rumored to possibly be a cage match, to be held next month at Universal Studios. Tickets will be on sale soon, so don’t let this event pass you by.

    http://www.wesh.com/news/24873882/detail.html

  20. Posted by LindaNewYork on September 7, 2010 at 6:42 am

    I LOVE Egg Tree News! HAHA

    Damsel of Dorito’s…

    Put down the Bong, indeed!

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