Colossal douchebag Jose Baez shared the results of a fascinating new study this week, hoping to stop the media from reporting on his girl Casey Anthony’s bigtime jailhouse snack attack habit. According to the dough-headed oaf, publicizing the amount of spicy peanuts, chili, and peanut butter cups ordered by Our Shackled Damsel of Doritos only serves to taint the future jury pool, compromising her right to a fair trial.
“Your Honorness, my client is entitled to fatten up in peace, without threat of public ridicule,” said the hefty judicial embarrasment in the motion filed yesterday. “Super serious studies performed by me and my team of experts- *cough* Mason *cough*- show that bitches with egos can’t handle criticism, and that’s my girl. Oh, and juries don’t like tubby defendants. Word up. You can check out the study here, on the back of this KFC placemat. Dig it.”
But Baez’s latest buffoonery has left many reporters scratching their heads for what feels like the gajillionth time. “How many times has this waste of human flesh had the Florida Sunshine Laws explained to him,” inquired one flabbergasted spectator. “PUT DOWN THE BONG, Jose, and put on your listening ears. Florida Discovery law. Read it.”
When asked why the defense team opposed the gag order requested by the state back in 2008, which would’ve limited media discussion of the Junkfood for Jailbirds Fund and other (far more damaging) details of the case, Jose replied, “Well… You see, ummm…Your Reporterness… Death is different, and we need to fund our case by flooding CBS and ABC with misinformation and half truths. Plus Geraldo got me totally hammered after my FOX interview; it was awesome, we went to a VIP strip club and everything….But ummm….clearly, the state wants to kill my client. They know she’s porking out in jail. They’ve read the numbers in my official study, so they know jurors hate fattys. We all know. And now you know. And I know you know. And the state knows I know they know. Yeah…Wabbit season. Duck season. Suck it, skinny bitches! But first show me your tits!”
In other Anthony news, pillpopping dingbat Cindy announced to the annoying, intrusive media that she will be donating a pair of Caylee’s shoes to charity.
🙄 So ya think she’s still alive, huh Cin-Cin? 🙄