Misty Croslin to Join Cast of New “‘Celebrity’ Fit Club: Perfect 10’s Gone Porky”

-Satsuma, FL

A Florida judge announced recently that local butterball and pill pusher Misty Croslin is poised to join the star-studded cast of VH1’s new edition of “‘Celebrity’ Fit Club: Perfect 10’s Gone Porky.” Croslin, who gained tabloid notoriety as the last person to see little Haleigh Cummings before her disappearance, has inflated to nearly three times her original size since her arrest earlier this year. Ironically, when the dimwitted party girl initially traded in her beloved cigs (and various other appetite suppressants) for a blue jumpsuit, she complained about jail staff trying to ‘starve a false confession out of her.’ While sobbing in withdrawl-laced hysterics to her troglodyte family in a series of riveting jailhouse phone calls, she even noted that her knobby chicken legs were so thin her socks kept falling down.

No such hardships for Misty these days.

Nay, the rapidly expanding Croslin was apparently quickly tipped off to the plethora of delightful confections offered by the jail comissary. Following in the footsteps of fellow castmates Casey Anthony and Melissa Huckaby, Misty jumped from Perfect 10 grace into a pit of sweet, sweet Ho-Ho’s and delicious Hostess Snowballs, to become the tubby doughgirl we barely recognize today.

With next season’s cast all lined up, VH1 has dropped tidbits of drama and suspense to wet our appetites. Guest trainer Jillian Michaels from The Biggest Loser will join Harvey the creepy ex-Marine, to whip the disgraceful trio back into clubbing shape in no time. Rumor has it Misty and Casey burst into tears as they make a halfass attempt to push the enormous Huckaby uphill in a wheelbarrow, while Jillian cackles at their jiggling cottage cheese thighs.

Also making an appearance will be renowned psychotherapist and dietician Nancy Grace, who will help the girls tackle their deep-rooted food issues in courtroom-like ‘group therapy sessions.’ Spoiler alert: The girls don’t get to say much; mostly its just Nancy wearing a sweatshirt with pics of her twins, cutting off the contestants with half-baked one liners and insults about their commisary orders.

Rounding out the show’s inevitable hilarity is the grand prize: one lucky prisoner will not only shed the excess weight, but she’ll have a lifetime contract as a model for Jose Baez’s bikini company.

Color me excited.

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56 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by jon on October 14, 2010 at 6:36 am

    Wonderful as usual; nothing less than what we’ve come to expect from you. It should be noted that Casey and Misty pushing Huckabee uphill will be the most work this pair have ever done.

    • Hi jon! Top o the mornin to ya!

      I couldn’t believe it when I saw footage of misty at her sentencing. It took me a good 3 days to get all the HA HA’s out of my system…

      I heard Jillian is saving the toughest drill for the final challenge: stuff Huckaby in a giant tire, and make the other 2 wheel her thru an obstacle course. Whoever goes fastest wins.

  2. Posted by Danna on October 14, 2010 at 7:03 am

    I didnt even recognize Misty. She’s gonna look like one of those parade balloons before long. What is this family selling to keep themselves all in snack money?

    • I was wondering about that too. Maybe people are sending her money?

    • Posted by Kim on October 15, 2010 at 3:01 pm

      I imagine she was placed on the same multiple antidepressant diet, Huckabee was. They can be nasty for weight gain. There are not enough ho-ho’s to add that much weight, and given only one of the Grandma’s has enough money to purchase a phone card, I doubt she buying anything from the snack shack. Trading maybe…who knows?

      I did chuckle imaniging the Misty Croslin Parade Balloon..! Any parades coming up soon…..

      • Posted by jon on October 18, 2010 at 12:31 pm

        Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade isn’t all that far off. She should eligible for that, provided she won’t have exploded by then.

        • Posted by eggtreenews on October 18, 2010 at 2:02 pm

          Sources tell me she’ll be soaring above a float that’s in the shape of a plentiful cornucopia of Satsuma cabbages. Nanny Flo will be the Thanksgiving turkey. Family patriarch Hank Croslin (still wearing sunglasses) will be Chief Massasoit, while mama Lisa will play a quaint pilgrim. Let’s hope Misty will be tightly anchored to the horn of plenty, so she doesn’t end up freeflying over New York City. We don’t wanna scare the kids, or The Rockettes…

  3. Posted by jon on October 14, 2010 at 7:07 am

    Doesn’t Misty have have to waddle into another sentencing next week (22nd?). Wonder how much more she’ll have blown up by then? A few pounds more and the guards will need a wheelbarrow to get HER into the courtroom.

  4. Ahh, Egg, you’ve done it again! I’m glad you didn’t sugar coat anything! HA!
    Yea, I freaked when I saw Super sized Misty in court. It looked like she was busy sucking on an air hose. She’s going to fly around the room backwards or pop!
    Is it possible to snort Twinkies through your nose? Ask her, Ok? Maybe she thinks she won’t get the calories that way. Well, she’s wrong, that doesn’t work.
    My money’s on Nancy Grace to get those girls whipped in shape. She can bitch slap and freeze a moose in it’s tracks with that tongue and mouth of hers.
    Now, if they just had some men in jail with them, they would have an incentive to keep the pounds off and to shave their legs and pits. But, unfortunatly, they have all given up. Who cares? They’re all going to die in jail anyway!

    • ‘Sup Cakeroll?! 😆

      Hmmm…between Nancy and Jillian, I think I’d actually put $$ on NG to whip em into shape. She has a personal stake; a score to settle with all 3 that Jillian lacks. I’d like to see NG listing off their comissary orders with that classic snarl of disgust, as they hang their pudgy heads in shame. Maybe JVM could stop by and give an inspirational lecture on how they’ve contributed to the War on Women.

    • Posted by jon on October 15, 2010 at 6:11 am

      the only problem with putting some guys in jail with them is that Casey and Misty are right at the height of their reproductive capabilities. I’m not too sure about Misty, but given her record, Casey must be climbing the walls at this point and would probably boink Cheney Mason if she was given the chance. The last thng we need are these two having babies and mutliplying! Perish the thought!

  5. Hey, Egg, did you ever read my last eggtreehouse entry from Aug? Girl, you work too much!

  6. 😆 Apparently they missed Elizabeth Johnson’s memo. Don’t say anything and they will try and feed you slop, and leftovers, then starving is easy. (Of course rumor has it they were using recipes from Lisa Croslin’s Down Home Cooking For Druggies.) After all they are just trying to make you fat. Then you go crazy, they get you under control, and you claim they violated your rights when they interrogated you. Who knew, praying, crying and counseling was such torture? Why should you have to tell what you did with your kid???

    No. Misty and Casey did it their way and gave those stories. I’ll talk! Tommy did it. Zanny did it. Cousin Joe did it. Jesse did it. Ron’s exe did it. Dad did it. The more they talk, the more twinkies they get, until one day in the future, they may accidentally slip up and tell the truth (if they don’t blow up first), if they ever remember what that is. Will they ever learn??? 🙄

    I guess they preferred Melissa’s manual, Comfort Food For Incarceration. :mrgreen:

    NG will work them right into shape! Gooo Nancy! 😆

    • Hi Niecey! Weren’t they giving Elizabeth some maggot infested hard tack left over from WW 2, cause she didn’t like the food? That’s what they all need or some pressed wood bars – Yum! And, filled with fiber! HA! May they all rot in hell. 🙂

      • Hey Carol! Yep! That was Lisa’s secret recipe! 😆
        Elizabeth believes she’s fixing to get out of jail now, because they violated her rights when they interrogated her, crying praying, touching, and holding hands. 🙄
        http://www.kpho.com/news/25361989/detail.html
        I know. Right?
        They amaze me.

        • She thinks she is going free!! Oh, hahaha!! Idiot!! I’m choking here!!!

        • I think Elizabeth would be a perfect addition to Casey’s Wandering RV Preaching Machine. She can stand in the background shouting “Amen, can I get a witness?!?!,” whenever Casey claims to see Jesus’s profile on a grape Skittle.

          • Amen Sista! :mrgreen:

            I wonder if they have really read a Bible in their lives, or just a blog about it? A commentary of it in the newspaper, or maybe they are just reading the New Cindy Version. 🙄

            • Posted by eggtreenews on October 15, 2010 at 4:01 pm

              Niecey, my $$$ is on them reading Cindy’s translation. Which changes daily, and contradicts itself all the time, but the core message is always the same: a lie is only a lie if its not a halftruth, a misconception, a white lie, or a technically worded truth. Those are the rules cindy carved into the tablets at God’s command, on an oxycontin binge at the dayspa, where she was gettin a much needed massage with $ from the CMA Foundation.

          • Posted by lifesabeach on October 15, 2010 at 2:08 pm

            Or maybe she could shout that everytime Casey has one of her divine sneezes. Great column!

            • Posted by eggtreenews on October 15, 2010 at 3:51 pm

              Lifesabeach,
              According to the Wandering RV Handbook of Saintly Etiquette, all sneezes emitted by the Holy One must be followed up with a “Praise a Puerto Rican Nanny!!!!” 😆

              Or somethin like that…. :mrgreen:

    • Hi Niecey! I hadn’t heard that about Elizabeth Johnson, but I believe it. That ones a nut like no other… She radiates hate even thru photographs. I feel so sorry for Gabriel’s father.

      • Hey Eggy! I agree with you. Poor Gabriel and Poor Logan. I think they should move Elizabeth right in a cell with Casey and Misty. How long before a cat fight starts?

  7. Posted by gorilla on October 14, 2010 at 11:52 am

    Eggy, I am still laughing at the thought of Misty constantly pulling her socks up over those ole’ knobby chicken legs of hers. However, the thought of her pulling up socks over her hairy tree stump legs she has now to support all of that girth, is equally as hilarious!!

    PS: love your posts : )

    • Hey Gorilla! Maybe she’s beefing up for self-protection once she gets to state gen-pop. She knew her knobby chicken legs with the saggy socks would be no match against Big Bertha’s brute force on the playground. For once she thought ahead… 🙂

      • Posted by jon on October 15, 2010 at 9:27 am

        ONLY in the playground with Big Bertha? “If this cell’s a rockin……….” Maybe they can find a cell on wheels for Misty since everything she’s ever lived in had them. Make her feel more at home.
        Of course, with Misty’s ever expanding body, the Florida system will probably have to come up witha double-wide (again, to make her feel more at home).

  8. Posted by BEES KNEES on October 14, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    “I couldn’t believe it when I saw footage of misty at her sentencing.”

    Why??? You’ve piqued my curiosity now. Haven’t followed the Croslin case at all but I do remember Misty as being average weight. BBIB . . .

    • Hi Bees!!! How are ya, darlin!

      Yeah, Misty hasn’t taken off the feedbag since she got locked up, apparently. If you look real close at those pics from the sentencing, you can vaguely make out the old skinny Misty trying to break out of a fat girl’s body.

      • Posted by BEES KNEES on October 17, 2010 at 3:28 pm

        Hiya honey! I am well and hope you are, too! I’ve been on “summer hours” LOL! for past couple months but the crispy air has driven me inside. Looks like there’s some fine entertainment to be had here, gotta get my game face on ~ do some facial exercises before I start reading any EggTreeNews, I already know from experience that you make me laugh till my sides ache and my cheeks are sore (NOT the ones I’m sitting on). Warm eggy hugs of thanks to you!

  9. I love your site because you always have the most up-to-date accurate information. Thank goodness I check before going to print with a similar article.

    My sources close to the investigation informed me Misty Croslin would be appearing next season in VH-1’s newest reality show:

    Who Wants to Marry a Pill-ionaire?

    Ok, I am off to throttle my source, SmArt Harry-Is a Liar…

    • Hey wondertwin!

      Hmmm… Give art harris an extra squeesze from moi! Who wants to Marry a pillionaire?! Exactly who is the bachelor/ bachelorette in this alleged blockbuster? Will remaining contestants be given a bottle of oxy on a solid gold chain during eliminations? Will challenges consist of throwing Croslin/Cummings mannequins under a bus? Immunity challenge: how many headless rats can you stuff into a mailbox? :mrgreen:

      • I knew you had already seen the show!!!

        Obviously, the bachelor in question is the most eligible bachelor in the Palatka penal system – Ron Cummings.

        Tommy would have been available, but Lindsey has not yet finalized the divorce, so maybe next season.

        Winners will receive an Mtv-style Crib with granite counter tops for sorting pills collections and a swimming pool drained of water, but full of prescription meds. They will also receive gold-plated daily pill organizers and lanyard for hanging their newly issued ID/Mugshot cards for extra quick booking in the local public safety facility, as well as lifetime memberships to the Betty Ford clinics.

        Rumored appearances by Chyna, Tom Sizemore, Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, Danny Bonaduche, Michael Lohan, and David Hasselhoff, just to name a few.

        Challenges will include getting out of bed during single digit hours in the morning, eating three meals a day instead of half a box of Twinkies, and skimming “excess” pills from friends’ orders.

        • Posted by eggtreenews on October 15, 2010 at 4:21 pm

          Michael Jackson’s Doc Murray has also signed on to play the role of Ron’s “butler/confidante.” He’ll give a rousing narrative of each show in his charming Carribean accent, all while funneling/counting meds in a madscientist costume.

          Spoiler alert: Chynna Doll gets the axe cuz she’s too old for Ron’s taste. Parasite Hilton and Lindsay Blowhan make it to the final cut since they both look and act about 14.

          Is Tommy still wasting away to skin and bones? Maybe Misty could donate him some of her old socks; not that they stay up or anything, but it’d be good to keep em in the family…

  10. 😆 😆 Ya’ll are a hoot!

  11. Posted by 38special on October 16, 2010 at 11:31 pm

    Hey….I hate to be a wet blanket on everybody’s good time but I have it from sources that Misty has a glandular problem. She aint been eatin junk food to get that big, remember when her Mama gave her the only advice in her life? She gave her the lockup lowdown…..scrape the salt off the pretzels to use on the other slop in there. Apparently Butterball Croslin did just that and took it even farther, bartering her book learning skills ( finished 5th grade with honors) for fellow inmate’s salt……..she’s not fat, it’s water weight. Of course now she’s got the salt monkey on her back, salt addicts need help too. Where’s that damn JVM when anybody really needs her? yacking about all the usual tripe I guess.

    The Who Wants To Marry A Pillionaire show is going to rock! It’s gonna be a cat fight for sure every episode with Ron Cummings as the bachelor. Wonder if there will be an elementary school trailer on set for the contestants ( and to help Ron make his decision as he would do it in Satsuma) and any of them that aren’t pregnant by the end of third show are automatically out.

    • ROTFL!!! Now there’s an addiction JVM hasn’t cornered yet! Salt is a deadly beast for sure…someone needs to clue her in to this ongoing problem, so she can spend a half hour of primetime TV “news” educating us all…

      The elementary school trailer is a must for the show; but it definitely needs to be pimped out “reality show style.” Double wide. Matresses on actual frames, not just thrown on the floor. Kiddypool out back, with PADDED lawn chairs. Coolers fully stocked with Tecate, 24/7.

      And Ron needs a catch phrase to say when he eliminates the unlucky ladies… Somethin like, “Your prescription’s got no more refills; you gotta git!”

      • Posted by 38special on October 18, 2010 at 12:10 am

        LOL yeah that’s a good phrase! Here’s one, ” Even tho my face is on your tat; girl you gotta scat” or they could have a gigantic gold phone that rings with the elimination choice. On the line is Granny Sykes, “Ron’s boxers need a special TLC so he aint got no itch; now hit the road bitch”

        Ah, the possibilities are endless, fo sure

        • Whoa! If we drive Ron past an elementary school, we got no chance of getting him all the way to the set and the show will canceled due to lack of production.

          Blinders for Ron from the bus stop to his TV apartment in the sky. He’s moving on up.

          Ron already has a catchphrase. He is not present when a chick get eliminated and when best friend/pill supplier Howard K. Stern tells him which girl got cut loose, Ron says, “I wasn’t there, I was at work”.

          The real fun is episode 8, when Geraldo visits for a live Celebrity Death Match with Ron. I know, it seems totally tilted in Ron’s favor, but just when he is about to body slam Geraldo, Tommy sneaks up behind the ring and hits Ron ever the head with a headless rat on a stick, knocking him off balance long enough for Misty to kick him in the balls.

          • Posted by eggtreenews on October 18, 2010 at 2:36 pm

            Excellent points, Bull Dawg!! 😆 Howard K Stern definitely needs in on this action. Hopefully he’ll bring his video camera and clown makeup kit along with his treasure chest of pills. That could be a whole other challenge; get blitzed on a milkjug full of various pills, and invent a clown character to entertain Ron and buddy Howard. Kinda like a court jester for the pillionaire.

            For the wrestling match… At what point does Jose Baez enter in the Mexican wrestling mask and loincloth to defend his sweetheart Geraldo?! 😆

          • Posted by 38special on October 18, 2010 at 3:18 pm

            BS~ it’s a good thing you’re on the ball! Absolutely, Ron needs blinders on passing any schools or bus stops. Tires would be bald from the burn outs he’d be doing to impress the chicks.
            Also Howard K, he’ll lend some class to this ( better not have Hose’ all dolled up in his Daisy outfit or if HKS is trippin he may think he’s channelled Anna N back to life)

            The real Lalapalaktaloosa could be a reunion show, set in the county lock up, Cummings/Croslin Wing of course. All of the main actors in their crisp jumpsuits and the visitors ready to cheer their faves. I hope Tommy’s ex wears her new “i’m available” dress & boots and I swear it’ll bring tears to my eyes if Granny Hollers is able to make it. What a trooper she is, might be fun for her to have her own segment. have all the gran youngens lined up so she can take turns shooting them with a BB gun

            With the talent that has emerged from the swamps down there it’s proof positive that evolution is still continuing but there are a few isolated pockets that are just morphing into the post troglodyte stage. Fascinating chit.

            • Posted by jon on October 19, 2010 at 7:11 am

              Baez as a Mexican wrestler! Great! And now THE GREAT EL BOZO.
              Casey (Bella Vita – remember the tatoo) could be his manager – VELVEETA….

              • Posted by 38special on October 19, 2010 at 11:54 am

                VELVEETA, yes! She could jump thru the ropes and lock her feet around his opponents neck and strangle them with her ankle chains. Get ready to STUUUMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                • Posted by 38special on October 19, 2010 at 12:10 pm

                  I’d really like to see Lee with an important role too. Maybe he could be PerviLeeto, like the ‘funny’ midget clowns. He could do zany stuff like try to peek at VELVEETA’s ass or lift up her tassled bra top. It’s all coming together, anyone have Lichenstein’s number? He’d probably want in on this.

        • Posted by eggtreenews on October 18, 2010 at 2:18 pm

          Ooooh, I dig the gold phone idea! They could all get solid gold cells, and he could call the lucky lady with a special ringtone (I’m thinkin the theme song from Deliverance 👿 ). All the rejects receive a misspelled text: Gitout ma trailer biches!!!

          • Posted by 38special on October 18, 2010 at 3:24 pm

            tee hee…….small matter but ” gitout ma trailer biches” isn’t spelled wrong. The hill-bonic textbooks for that area confirm it. It’s a whole “nuther” dialect.

    • Hi 38. You’ve nailed it!! Smear some Crisco all over Misty and put her in a folded up yoga postition and WELLA!! She can be the poster for the ButterBall Turkey – pre salted!!! 🙂

      • Posted by 38special on October 17, 2010 at 11:48 pm

        Yo Yo Carol!
        Good idea but, uh, the folded yoga thing…hmmmm that might not work out I’m thinking. Might be a tad too much salt blubber for those advanced positions plus in the Putnam jail they are of the mind that yoga is a new fangled way for folks to get their nasty on while pretending to exercise. You know, all that twistin’ leads to “self lovin” which aint allowed.

        But hell yeah she can be the poster girl for ButterBall Turkey and is it just kismet or what that Thanksgiving is right around the corner. Has she got the luck ??? I sure thought that gittin’ it on with Ron would be the highlight of her life but now she’s gonna have a bona fide career. I hope she’s going to answer the turkey call in phone lines, let’s prank call with some hard questions.

  12. Just to clarify, Jose is NOT a Mexican wrestler.

    Jose is a Mexican wrestler’s sidekick.

    But, he listened to some of they guys in the gym and he will be beefing up his physical appearance for this match by ingesting huge amounts of ROIDS… ROlaIDS!

    • Posted by 38special on October 19, 2010 at 1:16 pm

      ..but,but…what about PerviLeeto ( from the posts ^ above)? He was going to be the sidekick, aw, this changes everything…… gotta go think about this new wrinkle.

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