A Florida judge announced recently that local butterball and pill pusher Misty Croslin is poised to join the star-studded cast of VH1’s new edition of “‘Celebrity’ Fit Club: Perfect 10’s Gone Porky.” Croslin, who gained tabloid notoriety as the last person to see little Haleigh Cummings before her disappearance, has inflated to nearly three times her original size since her arrest earlier this year. Ironically, when the dimwitted party girl initially traded in her beloved cigs (and various other appetite suppressants) for a blue jumpsuit, she complained about jail staff trying to ‘starve a false confession out of her.’ While sobbing in withdrawl-laced hysterics to her troglodyte family in a series of riveting jailhouse phone calls, she even noted that her knobby chicken legs were so thin her socks kept falling down.
No such hardships for Misty these days.
Nay, the rapidly expanding Croslin was apparently quickly tipped off to the plethora of delightful confections offered by the jail comissary. Following in the footsteps of fellow castmates Casey Anthony and Melissa Huckaby, Misty jumped from Perfect 10 grace into a pit of sweet, sweet Ho-Ho’s and delicious Hostess Snowballs, to become the tubby doughgirl we barely recognize today.
With next season’s cast all lined up, VH1 has dropped tidbits of drama and suspense to wet our appetites. Guest trainer Jillian Michaels from The Biggest Loser will join Harvey the creepy ex-Marine, to whip the disgraceful trio back into clubbing shape in no time. Rumor has it Misty and Casey burst into tears as they make a halfass attempt to push the enormous Huckaby uphill in a wheelbarrow, while Jillian cackles at their jiggling cottage cheese thighs.
Also making an appearance will be renowned psychotherapist and dietician Nancy Grace, who will help the girls tackle their deep-rooted food issues in courtroom-like ‘group therapy sessions.’ Spoiler alert: The girls don’t get to say much; mostly its just Nancy wearing a sweatshirt with pics of her twins, cutting off the contestants with half-baked one liners and insults about their commisary orders.
Rounding out the show’s inevitable hilarity is the grand prize: one lucky prisoner will not only shed the excess weight, but she’ll have a lifetime contract as a model for Jose Baez’s bikini company.
Color me excited.