Worthless Parasitic Twit Seeks Mate

-Orlando, FL

Old news flash, I know, but hysterical nonetheless. As it turns out, prior to her incarceration for murdering her baby girl Caylee, local parasite Casey Anthony set up a laughable profile on Cupid.com, hoping to attract a new host to feed upon. Everyone get out your shovels and goggles, and put on your Hazmat suits, cuz this mountain of Anthony bullsh*t surpasses Everest. Even the most experienced sherpa wouldn’t attempt scaling this monumental dungpile. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and you’ll make your best “this dumb f*ing b*tch” face ever, as you shake your head and roll your eyes at the sight of all this nonsense.

She starts off deep. Really deep. Either she was listening to the profound Jennifer Lopez hit “I’m Real” as she was filling out this trivial questionnaire, or she had just finished watching a “Flavor of Love” marathon on VH1 (where every vapid contestant feels the need to proclaim the authenticity of their personality right off the bat), because she immediately describes herself as a “genuine girl.”

Clue #1 that she’s a liar.

The simple-minded mooch, who rarely ever got off the phone with her million and one Facebook friends long enough to take a piss, goes on to claim she’s “just looking for someone to spend time with…Really. It’s that simple.” It should be noted here that the Anthony Family Lexicon defines “spending time with someone” as “spending all their money, usually without them knowing about it.” Really. It honestly is that simple.

The next truckfull of manure is dropped when the freeloading thief describes how much she “cherishes family and friends.” In typical Anthony fashion, she pours on the syrup, claiming she “strives to prove it to them everyday.” For totally seriously….just ask her elderly, ailing grandparents whom she robbed blind. Or her BFF Amy Huizenga, whose checkbook she stole to stock up on necessities like beer, bras, and bug-eyed sunglasses from the fine retail outlet known as Target. Or her insufferable mother (if you enjoy conversing with gum-smacking dingbats), whose credit cards she stole to rack up a $40K debt. Or her baby, who she says she “spends as much time as possible with,” yet waited 31 days to report missing. I’m sure they all felt cherished in that special Anthony way.

But the real comedy starts when the unemployed high school dropout squirts a whopper or fifty about not only having attended college, but also raking in nearly $35K a year, almost like a real grownup! She fails to explain why she chooses to live with her parents while rolling in that kind of dough at the tender age of 22, but really flexes her intellectual muscle with discussion of her love of potatos.

Starchy food obsessions aside, Our Damsel of Doritos goes on to describe her innate “motherly instinct.” “I am a mom to everyone,” she gushes. “It’s always been in my blood.” You know, the kind of mom who doesn’t tell anyone she’s pregnant for 7 months, who then brings her toddler to night clubs, doesn’t keep a phone number for her “babysitter,” doesn’t lift a finger to provide for her child, hustles everyone she knows for whatever she can get out of them, may or may not use chloroform and her car trunk as a babysitter, and doesn’t report her kid being kidnapped for a month. That kind of mom.

What a catch.

Fellas, line starts behind Bullstopper! ๐Ÿ˜†

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58 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Dorothy on October 19, 2010 at 1:39 am

    Wow, Eggtree , This is a movie in the making . While I wait with baited breath , I personally think this will be a movie like no other.. Cindy ( the grandmother , that will do Any Thing for her FAMILY except tell the truth ) !! George ( the grandfather, with no thoughts of his own, that will do anything for his family , If Cindy says he can.. But Cindy has to tell him what he can or cannot say ) Then we have Lee ( the brother of Casey that can laugh in the face of death, even if deep down he knows his sister Casey may be guilty ) And of course the main character is Casey ( the mother of a beautiful little baby named Caylee ) That broke every commandment in the book..

    • Hi Dorothy! That movie will be a Lifetime Network blockbuster, for sure. ๐Ÿ˜† cindy will be played by Meredith Baxter Birney, George by an old wornout catcher’s mitt with a white wig on a stick, and wrist-kissing Brother Flea “Chuckles” Anthony by Angelina Jolie’s brother. ๐Ÿ™‚

      • Posted by BicPen on October 19, 2010 at 4:24 pm

        “George by an old wornout catcherโ€™s mitt with a white wig on a stick”

        HAHAHAHA. Genius. So funny!!!!

        • Posted by eggtreenews on October 20, 2010 at 6:51 pm

          Hey Bic! I forgot to add that the catcher’s mitt has huge unruly black eyebrows drawn on with a sharpie!

    • Posted by 38special on October 19, 2010 at 4:36 pm

      Dorothy~ The real story is almost unbelievable…but we know it’s true! Crazy huh?

      I hope they remake the Linda Blair head-spinning scene during casey’s lie-a-thon interview with the detectives, although I’m not sure if her head should be spinning or theirs. Either way, a cult classic in the making.

  2. Posted by Danna on October 19, 2010 at 6:25 am

    No rush fellas, already in line are:

    mr. Im drunk, youre hot

    ms. I cant imagine a world without Casey Marie Anthony

    mr. Im in prison over here on a whim, please write me

    lol

    • Hi Danna! Bullstopper’s camped out in first place. Behind those you listed are The TKE frat house, the Fusion janitors, the dishwashing crew from TGI Fridays, and assorted other community college flunkies.

  3. Posted by jon on October 19, 2010 at 6:36 am

    Hey Eggy: I can’t remember – when Casey was squatting and taking a piss in the parking lot, was she texting at the same time or just yakking to her friends who might have been standing nearby?

    As far as her “motherly instincts” are concerned, maybe she’s thinking of every time she let a dude from one of the clubs attempt to breast feed from her. There have probably been more lips on those boobs than a water fountain at major airports.

    Have a good day!

    • Hi Jon! Hmmmm…I’m pretty sure she was discussing quantum physics with her college study group while pissing in that parking lot. Or maybe conducting a chemistry experiment… ๐Ÿ™‚

      ROTFL!!!! An airport water fountain….priceless…. ๐Ÿ˜†

  4. Posted by eggtreenews on October 19, 2010 at 7:29 am

    In my rush to post last night, I totally forgot to include the link to her full profile, so y’all can enjoy it in its entirety. Humble posted it yesterday on her blog:

    http://humbleopinionforum.net/2010/10/18/recap-casey-anthony-cupid-profile/

    There are some real doozies in there. ๐Ÿ˜ฏ WOW ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

    • Posted by jon on October 19, 2010 at 7:57 am

      Spending time with her daughter? Well, she was driving around for who knows how many days with the poor baby’s remains (oops, sorry George) in the trunk of the car.

  5. Posted by eggtreenews on October 19, 2010 at 10:07 am

    I guess in Caseyspeak, that’s quality time with the “light of her life.”

    Some other highlights:

    Describing the moment she found out she was pregnant. She was “horrified,” but in the next sentence, she knew “how happy she would be as a parent.” At nineteen. Single. Jobless. Living with her nutjob parents. Saddled with a kid. “I’ve never once doubted the feeling of being a parent.” WTF?!?! Really? Not once in the 7 months she waited to inform anybody of her pregnancy?

    And her comments about the reality show “Survivor.” She really puts that ‘college education’ to good use when she says “the premise of the show is IMPECCABLE.” I’ve never heard a PREMISE of a TV show described as faultless, or flawless. ๐Ÿ™„ This dumb b*tch… ๐Ÿ™„

  6. ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

    OMG!!!

    I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE LINE TO USE THE RESTROOM!!!

    I SWEAR!!

  7. Posted by jon on October 19, 2010 at 11:13 am

    Yeah, the light of her life to whom she referred (I think than on more than one occasion) as the “little snot”. Maybe she did that because that’s how Cindy used to refer to her and it’s a generational thing in the family.

    I wish I could put my finger on why I hate this bunch so impeccably!

    • Jon, I’m sure if you think long and hard about it, you’ll be able to put your finger on it, and when you do, the wait will have been “totally worth wild.” (Another gem from Our highly edumacated Damsel of Doritos). ๐Ÿ˜†

  8. Posted by Sarah on October 19, 2010 at 1:40 pm

    I just love this blog……”Really. It’s that simple.”

    Thanks for the serious LMAO about the Cupid profile!!!!

  9. Posted by Brad 'shopping cart' Conway on October 19, 2010 at 4:26 pm

    Oh my! But she SAID in her letters to muffin (or was it cookie) that she “was a great mom”! LOL I loved that one! Her friends don’t seem to reciprocate her awesome loving, motherly friendship, as NONE of them have gone to her hearings and I think her Bella Vita boy toy Lazarro shacked up with another hoe and moved to NYC (maybe to look for Zanny – she does have ‘contacts’ there). I hope Tony’s new girlfriend shows up with him when he testifies at trial – anyone want to bet that that would be the only time she’d really get upset during this whole mess??

    • Posted by 38special on October 19, 2010 at 4:49 pm

      BradshoppingcartConway, casey has already been taking steps to remedy that little glitch. She has been having Baez smuggle hayweed into her to increase her sneezing. She’s got a direct mucus line to God, she’s hoping that He’ll send a swarm of locusts or something that will prevent the new g/f from attending what she likes to think of as her “coming out party”. Doing Time Dรฉbutante will be the OS headline. Cindy’s sewing her gown as we speak.

    • Posted by eggtreenews on October 20, 2010 at 11:35 pm

      Hi Shoppin Cart Conway! I would LOVE to see Caseys face when Lazzaro walks into that courtroom with a new “10.” Tony, if you’re reading this, turn to the shackled butterball and say, “I’m keepin my ‘vita’ ‘bella,’ bitch!” ๐Ÿ˜†

  10. Posted by 38special on October 19, 2010 at 4:27 pm

    Gosh Eggy casey will be indebted to you for regurgitating her siren call out in the public again. Better be thinking of what she can do for you. She’s such a genuine girl and all.
    Since she’s been in the slammer, pickins have been slim but that’s really cause the Law arrested her on that pesky whim and then never really put any effort into infiltrating the NY/Puerto Rican/ Columbian/north Carolina mob. Boobs.

    Well, it’s okay now, her gargantuan smile is worth a million bucks. Does Bullstopper have his medical insurance up to date? Life insurance? Bulk antibiotics? Life Alert button? The force be with him in his romantic hook up. However, her statement about the “motherly instinct being in her blood”, kinda makes me think ole BullStopper might want to have a heart to heart with Sigourney Weaver, there’s a lot of really diabolical possibilities that might come sprouting outta that girl. just trying to be a friend

    • Posted by eggtreenews on October 20, 2010 at 11:49 pm

      38, LOLOLOLOLOLOL! I didn’t know where to start or stop laughing with that dynamite comment! ๐Ÿ˜†

  11. Posted by chica on October 19, 2010 at 6:05 pm

    who comes to mind with this link lol

  12. Posted by chica on October 19, 2010 at 6:21 pm

    so she had to use the outdoor honey bucket!!
    ewww I could never understand why they were called honey buckets!!
    whats in there does not smell like honey !! The only one’s eating that mess are the iliterate flies that dont know any better!

    lol Jon
    loved your comment about the water fountain!

    • Posted by jon on October 21, 2010 at 8:33 am

      Thanks Chica. After making this comment, I reminded myself that I should always drink bottled water in public places. When using a water fountain at an airport or elsewhere, who knows where the previous user’s mouth may have been. Each time I’m tempted, I will close my eyes and picture horseface and run and spend buck at the news stand for Poland Spring.

  13. Posted by chica on October 19, 2010 at 6:23 pm

    Eggy’
    loved your funny thingie on bubba’s sista!

  14. Posted by chica on October 19, 2010 at 6:25 pm

    Brad
    me too I hope tony brings the new woman in his life.
    didnt take him long to replace her.
    hope he better luck this time around.

    • Posted by jon on October 21, 2010 at 6:48 am

      I think it would be great if Jessie were to show up at the trial with his new girlfriend as well as Tony. Hey, maybe all Casey’s ex’s could show up with their current gf’s, although in that case they might have to move the trial to an indoor arena.

  15. Posted by BEES KNEES on October 21, 2010 at 5:59 pm

    Oh. My. Lawd.

    (now wearing my โ€œdumb f*ing b*tchโ€ face). I actually thought you were writing that funny material, but . . . no. Incredibly they were real words that come out of her mouth (yes, shaking head and rolling eyes)!

    Sheโ€™s a WHAT? A genuine girl? HA HA HA HA HA!!! And, โ€œtotally worth WILDโ€ HOO HEE HAW HAW!!!

    โ€œI forgot to add that the catcherโ€™s mitt has huge unruly black eyebrows drawn on with a sharpie!โ€œ Again, HA HA HA HA HA!!! The last time I saw painted eyebrows of that magnitude they were on the face of actor, Joe Pesci, in the movie โ€œJFK.โ€œ Remember those bad boys, (and wig askew)? HEE!

    Thanks for the great laughs!

    • Posted by jon on October 22, 2010 at 8:50 am

      But don’t forget their early visit to Casey in Jail where George told Casey the family was the fingers on a hand:

      This particular catcher’s mitt has five fingers: the little one is Caylee, the index finger is Casey (always pointing her finger at someone else); the middle finger (natch) is Cindy (no details required here);
      Lee is the ring finger since it doesn’t do much anyway. That leaves the thumb and I leave it to someone else to connect it and Georgie-boy.

      • Posted by eggtreenews on October 26, 2010 at 2:29 pm

        I always loved the hand analogy. Its the perfect way to talk to your 22 year old sociopathic offspring who’s sitting in jail on suspicion of murdering your grandchild.

        George’s thumb is up his butt most of the time.

        • Posted by jon on October 27, 2010 at 9:02 am

          I read a comedy crime book a few years ago and some seniors were getting back at a group of bikers who had terrorized them and, after smearing the bikers’ thumbs with crazy glue, jammed their thumbs up their asses and they had to go out on the street like that. After I read your comment about G with thumb stuck up there, it brought back the memory. Fun to picture, huh?

    • Posted by eggtreenews on October 26, 2010 at 2:23 pm

      Hiya Bees! Hard to believe its true, but it all came straight from the horse’s mouth. BA DUM BUM! ๐Ÿ™‚ Genuine girl…the thought alone gives me the giggles to no end.

  16. Posted by 38special on October 21, 2010 at 7:10 pm

    I just thought I’d come over here and cry into my Casey beer mug cause I got banned at a site for saying that somebody could make some money by selling Anthony masks for Halloween. Sheesh, that’s not so bad, sniff,sniff. Oh well, no matter what I stand by my comment. It’s as simple as that!

    • Posted by jon on October 22, 2010 at 10:24 am

      I think it would be great for two people to go out on Halloween dressed up as Cindy and George. She could carry a dried up slice of pizza in one hand and lead him around on a leash with the other.

      • Posted by 38special on October 22, 2010 at 10:43 am

        Me too. What could be scarier than that? The ranting and raving about “it’s pizza, I tell you” with george wimpering “yes, mistress”
        If I had more friends that would see the humor in this case I’d have a full blown Anthony Halloween Extravaganza, but somehow they just don’t see the on going humor in them.Duh?

        • Posted by jon on October 22, 2010 at 11:22 am

          I guess if a child’s death wasn’t involved, they might have been prime material for SNL.

    • Posted by eggtreenews on October 26, 2010 at 2:34 pm

      Ooh, Anthony Halloween costumes!!! Now there’s an odea that’s been waiting to pop. No worries, 38, I bet it was ole Cin Cin bannin ya, just cuz she didn’t think of it first. “Nobody can profit off my family’s notoriety but me! If you’re gonna dress as us for Halloween, you’ll have to buy a CMA Original Costume from the foundation! Each purchase comes with a free Snuggie!” ๐Ÿ˜†

      • Posted by 38special on October 26, 2010 at 10:16 pm

        I missed your reply first stalk around but now that I read it…….hell, i might pay the old b*tch her money to have one. Somehow it would make me feel okay about them having a payout from dissing them than the farce of them being frontmen for endangered kids.

        Billy Mays could have done justice to the Original CMA Costume Collection, coulda thrown in a shamwow with the Snuggie to wipe off fingerprints and DNA. And if you order right now..a jar of NADS, guaranteed to blast off even the most stubborn Anthony eyebrow.

        Catch you after the next installment of Worlds Dumbest Attys on Friday!

  17. Posted by jon on October 25, 2010 at 10:26 am

    Hey Eggy: just had a great idea. How about next year, they do a “behind-bars” season of Dancing With the Stars? Casey and Bozo, Misty and Ron; Tommy and whatever-her-name is that was arrested with them. Of course, for Casey, they’ll have to provide a pole, but I’m sure there must be one somewhere nearby. Maybe even guest appearancea by Cindy and George, Lee and Mallory and the Croslins.

    • Posted by 38special on October 25, 2010 at 8:33 pm

      jon, as usual you’re on point with some fresh ideas for the chaingangbangers. They all need a dose of glitz and glamor in their lives. Dancing with the Stars could really fly.
      To help them feel comfortable maybe the stars should be a little dingy too, ya know ones that have made some bad choices and found themselves on the other side of the mug shot camera?

      Nick Nolte would be perfect for Cindy. Of course LiLO would partner with Ron, Mel Gibson might pair well with casey (who’s ur daddy now). George could shake his money maker with Lil Kim and Misty with Lil Wayne ( the cornrows flying all mixed up together would be awesome).

      Hope to hear more about it, great idea.

      • Posted by jon on October 26, 2010 at 6:28 am

        Another possibility would be to put them all on “Lost” (Baez included) and then just never go back to the island. Maybe in 20-30 years an expedition could return and find the “lost tribe of the Anthlins”, although I think they’d probably all have murdered one another long before the explorers’ arrival. It woudl be interesting to see who’d be the last survivor. My money would be on Cindy unless the others all ganged up against her at some point early on. Just picture it: the boat rows to shore and a wild maned, raving Cindy comes running out of the jungle waving a club at the visitors screaming “gimme some gum. Gimme some gum. I need gum”.

        Love the flying cornrows!

      • Posted by jon on October 26, 2010 at 12:20 pm

        I’m sure we could work Gary Busey in there somewhere as well. Maybe for Mama Croslin.

      • Posted by eggtreenews on October 26, 2010 at 2:43 pm

        Ron the Pillionaire don’t need a star to dance with. He could do a solo number to Michael Jackson’s “BAD.”

    • Posted by eggtreenews on October 26, 2010 at 2:39 pm

      Jon,
      Awesome. Dancing With the Has-Beens needs some fresh blood. I think Casey and Misty should do a duet together. I’ll let them choose the song, but my vote is for the phenomenal Lindsay Lohan hit “Bella Vita.” ๐Ÿ™‚

  18. Posted by 38special on October 26, 2010 at 8:38 pm

    The upside for Lindsey L is that she might be able to count this as community service. Working with the disadvantaged, but she best use her Chanel bag with the chain strap ( Ma Croslin has been known to do a grab n run with the cheap ones.

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