Old news flash, I know, but hysterical nonetheless. As it turns out, prior to her incarceration for murdering her baby girl Caylee, local parasite Casey Anthony set up a laughable profile on Cupid.com, hoping to attract a new host to feed upon. Everyone get out your shovels and goggles, and put on your Hazmat suits, cuz this mountain of Anthony bullsh*t surpasses Everest. Even the most experienced sherpa wouldn’t attempt scaling this monumental dungpile. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and you’ll make your best “this dumb f*ing b*tch” face ever, as you shake your head and roll your eyes at the sight of all this nonsense.
She starts off deep. Really deep. Either she was listening to the profound Jennifer Lopez hit “I’m Real” as she was filling out this trivial questionnaire, or she had just finished watching a “Flavor of Love” marathon on VH1 (where every vapid contestant feels the need to proclaim the authenticity of their personality right off the bat), because she immediately describes herself as a “genuine girl.”
Clue #1 that she’s a liar.
The simple-minded mooch, who rarely ever got off the phone with her million and one Facebook friends long enough to take a piss, goes on to claim she’s “just looking for someone to spend time with…Really. It’s that simple.” It should be noted here that the Anthony Family Lexicon defines “spending time with someone” as “spending all their money, usually without them knowing about it.” Really. It honestly is that simple.
The next truckfull of manure is dropped when the freeloading thief describes how much she “cherishes family and friends.” In typical Anthony fashion, she pours on the syrup, claiming she “strives to prove it to them everyday.” For totally seriously….just ask her elderly, ailing grandparents whom she robbed blind. Or her BFF Amy Huizenga, whose checkbook she stole to stock up on necessities like beer, bras, and bug-eyed sunglasses from the fine retail outlet known as Target. Or her insufferable mother (if you enjoy conversing with gum-smacking dingbats), whose credit cards she stole to rack up a $40K debt. Or her baby, who she says she “spends as much time as possible with,” yet waited 31 days to report missing. I’m sure they all felt cherished in that special Anthony way.
But the real comedy starts when the unemployed high school dropout squirts a whopper or fifty about not only having attended college, but also raking in nearly $35K a year, almost like a real grownup! She fails to explain why she chooses to live with her parents while rolling in that kind of dough at the tender age of 22, but really flexes her intellectual muscle with discussion of her love of potatos.
Starchy food obsessions aside, Our Damsel of Doritos goes on to describe her innate “motherly instinct.” “I am a mom to everyone,” she gushes. “It’s always been in my blood.” You know, the kind of mom who doesn’t tell anyone she’s pregnant for 7 months, who then brings her toddler to night clubs, doesn’t keep a phone number for her “babysitter,” doesn’t lift a finger to provide for her child, hustles everyone she knows for whatever she can get out of them, may or may not use chloroform and her car trunk as a babysitter, and doesn’t report her kid being kidnapped for a month. That kind of mom.
What a catch.
Fellas, line starts behind Bullstopper! 😆