Someone get me a valium, because my head is spinning trying to count all the slick, porky, amoral attorneys who have ditched homicidal harlot Casey Anthony to waddle on to more lucrative pastures. This time around, it’s Miss Piggy impersonator Linda Kenny Baden who gave Our Damsel of Doritos the shaft, in search of mo money, mo money, mo money!
Baden, who specializes in tampering with forensic evidence and distracting courtroom spectators with her cheap snap-on hair extensions and unflattering wardrobe of hog-casing dresses and miniskirts, announced last week that she’s got serious problems with the cash-flow situation. Specifically, that the state won’t foot the bill for her to travel in the manner she’s accustomed.
For you see, Miss Piggy flies first class to selflessly defend the innocent indigents of America, or she doesn’t fly at all. Miss Piggy stays in five-star hotels with turn-down service and imported chocolates on silk pillows, and showers and bidets that flow with Evian water blessed by Jim Henson. Miss Piggy scoffs at Motel 6’s as she cruises to court in her rental Hummer limo to offer her legal “expertise” to the falsely accused. Without these most basic amenities, Miss Piggy is unable to effectively argue the forensic points of a death penalty case for a client she KNOWS is innocent.
Basically, she took one look at Team Pork Chop’s current budget and exclaimed, “Moi?!?! Minimum wage?!?! Never!!” And with that, the ultra-glam muppet, donned in a pink spandex unitard and aviator goggles, flapped the origami wings scotch-taped to her back and said, “So long, suckers!”
Ahhhh, the benevolence….it is soooo rich….