In a move of astonishing stupidity, judicial embarassment Jose Baez announced recently that the legendary McGruff the Crime Dog will be called as the defense’s “surprise” expert witness at trial. McGruff, a cartoon detective canine best known for his public service announcements in the 1980’s advising everyone to “take a bite out of crime,” is reportedly the defense’s last hope for an aquittal. According to Baez’s new and improved witness list (written in crayon on the back of a Dunkin Donuts napkin amid charming doodles of shamrocks and hearts), the bulk of McGruff’s testimony will focus on refuting the canine alerts to decomp in the Anthony backyard and car trunk.
“For seriously, Your Judge, with over 30 years of experience taking a bite out of crime, McGruff totally qualifies 2 B R expert once the trial starts,” reads the amended motion. “He’s a public edjucator, and has even worked alongside the world reknowed Inspector Gadget. The comunity is down with him, and he looks official with his trenchcoat n sunglasses. Give him a shot, bro….”
When asked by bewildered reporters how in the world he came to be hooked up with McGruff, a reclusive cartoon character who has virtually been in hiding the last 30 years, Baez explained that the crimefighter is also the ex-boyfriend of his beloved obese pug, Casey Marie. “They had a thing goin on a few years back,” said the dough-headed oaf. ” Let’s just say she’s calling in a favor.”
While McGruff’s addition to the witness list may have prosecutors biting their nails and wringing their hands, its Baez’s BACKUP plan that has them wearing Depends Undergarments 24/7. If McGruff is not approved as an expert, the defense intends to call several stars from ‘Pound Puppies’ to the stand, to testify that prosecutor Ashton has used his telepathic “puppy power” for evil, and has brainwashed the police dogs into alerting false positives as part of a diabolical plot to frame Casey.
“Ashton sees this coming,” says a source, “He’s sh*tting bricks as we speak.”
Stay tuned to Egg Tree News for developments in this breaking story.