Local prosecutor Jeff “Captain Sh*tkicker” Ashton has FINALLY had enough of Soggy Bottom Baez and the Turd Herd’s relentless courtroom tomfoolery. After spending days upon months upon years grinding his teeth in exasperation over Team Pork Chop’s chronic ineptitude regarding everything judicial, from the defense’s revised witness list that was never really revised, to Baez’s nonstop ignorant stream of “ummm…uhhhh…” verbal diarrhea at the podium, Ashton finally decided to get a little slap happy, and filed a motion requesting sanctions against the defense.
Donned in steel-toed boots custom-made to fit perfectly against Jose’s gargantuan buttcheeks, and sporting brass knuckles that spelled out “Get A Clue,” Ashton delivered an impassioned plea to Honorable Bada$$ Perry, outlining the myriad of reasons Team Jackass should be cut down to size.
Citing Jose the Incompetent’s adorable new witness list, which was revised -but not really- under court order, Ashton argued that “the addition of crayon drawings of a Hispanic Hero giving the middle finger to a character named ‘ASSton’ does NOT meet the requirements of the court’s order.
“He was told to detail specifics about each defense expert’s testimony. Statements like “Dr Lee is more cooler with crime scene tech stuff than the cops,” followed by a doodle of Ms. Anthony in a bikini, is NOT specific and detailed. Likewise, the assertion “McGruff the Crime Dog will take a bite outta the car trunk…?!” WTF, dude? That doesn’t even make sense. What on Earth does that mean?”
In response to Ashton’s motion, Poppin Fresh Baez and Colonel Sanders impersonator Mason momentarily came up from their plates of biscuits and gravy, and replied, “That guy sucks. He’s just pissed cuz Casey won’t screw him,” and noisily went back to ignoring their case, and clogging their arteries.
Stay tuned to Egg Tree News for developments in this breaking story.