Local Prosecutor ‘Mad as Hell,’ Reportedly ‘Won’t Take it Anymore’

-Orlando, FL

Local prosecutor Jeff “Captain Sh*tkicker” Ashton has FINALLY had enough of Soggy Bottom Baez and the Turd Herd’s relentless courtroom tomfoolery. After spending days upon months upon years grinding his teeth in exasperation over Team Pork Chop’s chronic ineptitude regarding everything judicial, from the defense’s revised witness list that was never really revised, to Baez’s nonstop ignorant stream of “ummm…uhhhh…” verbal diarrhea at the podium, Ashton finally decided to get a little slap happy, and filed a motion requesting sanctions against the defense.

Donned in steel-toed boots custom-made to fit perfectly against Jose’s gargantuan buttcheeks, and sporting brass knuckles that spelled out “Get A Clue,” Ashton delivered an impassioned plea to Honorable Bada$$ Perry, outlining the myriad of reasons Team Jackass should be cut down to size.

Citing Jose the Incompetent’s adorable new witness list, which was revised -but not really- under court order, Ashton argued that “the addition of crayon drawings of a Hispanic Hero giving the middle finger to a character named ‘ASSton’ does NOT meet the requirements of the court’s order.

“He was told to detail specifics about each defense expert’s testimony. Statements like “Dr Lee is more cooler with crime scene tech stuff than the cops,” followed by a doodle of Ms. Anthony in a bikini, is NOT specific and detailed. Likewise, the assertion “McGruff the Crime Dog will take a bite outta the car trunk…?!” WTF, dude? That doesn’t even make sense. What on Earth does that mean?”

In response to Ashton’s motion, Poppin Fresh Baez and Colonel Sanders impersonator Mason momentarily came up from their plates of biscuits and gravy, and replied, “That guy sucks. He’s just pissed cuz Casey won’t screw him,” and noisily went back to ignoring their case, and clogging their arteries.

Stay tuned to Egg Tree News for developments in this breaking story.


12 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Valhall on December 25, 2010 at 5:05 am

    Merry Christmas!

  2. Posted by Danna on December 25, 2010 at 8:25 am

    lol, you have Baez down pat! Merry Christmas & thanks for the present!

  3. Posted by doublesmom on December 25, 2010 at 8:58 am

    Merry Christmas Eggy – I love reading your stuff!

  4. Ahh, Egg, great stuff AGAIN!! LOL! Ashton’s steel toed boots and brass knuckles would only need to be accompanied by a stick of dynamite up Bozo’s butt with the words written on it; ‘can you hear me now’?!
    I hope Bozo gets some new crayons for Christmas to keep us entertained in the new year!

  5. Posted by eggtreenews on December 25, 2010 at 2:40 pm

    Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good present!!! 🙂

  6. Las Vegas Odds

    Jose Baez Anticipated Opening Statement in Hearing for Contempt

    “I don’t even know why we are here” – 1 to 1 – assumed winner prior to event

    “I think this is a huge waste of time” – 2 to 1

    “I told Mr. Assssssssston to call me, but he decided to waste our time here” – 5 to 1

    “This could have been solved with a phone call” – 10 to 1

    “He already got thrown a major bone” – 20 to 1

    “We’re not trying to hide anything” – 50 to 1

    “This is outrageous” – 100 to 1

    “I know this is hard for everyone to believe, but we have a compelling reason for not complying and it will all come out in court and everyone will understand” – 500 to 1

    “I color-coded the answers for Mr. Ashton. If he needs more, he can call me” – 1000 to 1

    “My partner, Mr. Mason, told me I don’t have to do what you say, Judge, cause you are just a bully” – 10,000 to 1

    “The prosecution is here to make a spectacle of this circus” – 50,000 to 1

    “I have read the pertinent case law, reviewed and understand the court order, and know what I am doing” – 1,000,000,000,000,000 to 1

    • Posted by lifesabeach on December 25, 2010 at 7:16 pm

      You and eggy are hilarious, thanks for the Christmas laugh, hope everyone had a good one!

  7. Posted by denjet on December 25, 2010 at 7:06 pm

    Merry Christmas eggy!
    Thanks for the holiday laugh!

  8. Posted by Victoria on December 26, 2010 at 4:58 am

    ~Eggy~ Bwaaaah Hahaha! Loved the brass knuckles that spell out, GET A CLUE!!!!! Go Ashton, Go Ashton, Go Ashton!!!!

  9. Posted by Becca on December 26, 2010 at 3:22 pm

    I find Jeff Ashton intelligent & sexy. Beaz on the other hand is oaf, a potato headed overweight pee wee herman.

  10. Posted by Naomi on December 26, 2010 at 7:02 pm

    Happy Holiday, and thanks for the Joy!

  11. Posted by Rachael on December 29, 2010 at 9:47 am

    wow you had me laughing so hard

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