Apparently Jose Baez spent Christmas week passed out in a tub of heavily spiked egg nog, because he is only now getting around to penning his holiday wish list. Still groggy from the festivities, and hungover enough to confuse Honorable Badass Perry for Santa Claus, he stumbled to court in his snowman onesy and glowing antlers to submit his list of demands to the Orlando courthouse rather than the great elf at the North pole.
Written on holiday themed stationary sporting a delightful image of Our Shackled Damsel of Doritos posing as the Virgin Mary- available exclusively from the CMA Foundation for only $49.99/sheet- Jose took crayola to paper between barf sessions, and scrawled a wish list fit for a delusional king with mild brain damage:
1. Santa Perry, u gotta ban all that noise about my girl sluttin it up the night she killed her kid. That $hit aint fair. Everybody grieves diff’rent. Remember that episode of 90210 when Brandon n Emily Valentine got all whorish right after the funeral for that character nobody cared about, who shot himself? ‘S like that….only way hotter, cuz it’s this bitch…
2. Santa Judge, that phantom heart sticker residue is a real wasp in my wig…Why do I gotta deal wit it @ all? I find heart stickers from my dresser drawers in swamps all the time, it don’t mean they were ever attached to duct tape from my garage that was wrapped around my kid’s skull. Don’t be so ignorant n jugmental, di**hole…
3. Katy Perry Santa, what’s in a kitchen knife? It was obviously unimportant, that’s why MamaGremlin took it from the car and washed it, along with the funky pants that simply smelled like a rotting squirrel pizza. I mean, come on, she did the cops a favor by processing that trunk FOR them. They should be giving her big fat asskisses, instead they’re tryin to frame her daughter all cuz she won’t screw em! What a bunch of a$$holes. They should be sued.
4. Santa Perry Mason, if I told ya once, I told ya a thousand times, just cuz this hot sexy mess is a pathological liar and convicted felon, none of that should come out at the tryal. Even though she said it herself during questioning, it was totally under distress, the way they were badjering her. She’s fragil, ya know? N besides, she wasn’t really lying, she was talking in high intelligence top secret code to the REAL kidnappers. The dumbass cops were too busy with their heads up their asses to figure out her soupreme intellect.
5. Your Santaness, the shovel, the shovel, ALL I hear about is the shovel! Fuggedabout the damn shovel already. Why r they so FIXATED on the shovel and the pavers and the 27 bags of cement spontaneously poured in the backyard 4th of July weekend? Why don’t they get off their asses and fly to Puerto Rico to find Caylee with the drug cartel? She’s not really dead, you know!!!!!
6. Your Judgable Santaness, if I hear that insufferable Tim Miller spin that ridiculous story about my girl pointin to Caylee’s body on the map, well….I’ll do somethin…I don’t know what, but it’ll be fierce…cuz that’s how I roll. That dude hates Hispanics, by the way, so u should let Rudolph drop a turd down his chimney when yer flyin over his house. C’mon…u don’t hate Hispanics….do u, Katy Perry Santa…?
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