Baez Sends Belated Christmas Wish List To Judge Perry by Mistake

-Orlando, FL

Apparently Jose Baez spent Christmas week passed out in a tub of heavily spiked egg nog, because he is only now getting around to penning his holiday wish list. Still groggy from the festivities, and hungover enough to confuse Honorable Badass Perry for Santa Claus, he stumbled to court in his snowman onesy and glowing antlers to submit his list of demands to the Orlando courthouse rather than the great elf at the North pole.

Written on holiday themed stationary sporting a delightful image of Our Shackled Damsel of Doritos posing as the Virgin Mary- available exclusively from the CMA Foundation for only $49.99/sheet- Jose took crayola to paper between barf sessions, and scrawled a wish list fit for a delusional king with mild brain damage:

1. Santa Perry, u gotta ban all that noise about my girl sluttin it up the night she killed her kid. That $hit aint fair. Everybody grieves diff’rent. Remember that episode of 90210 when Brandon n Emily Valentine got all whorish right after the funeral for that character nobody cared about, who shot himself? ‘S like that….only way hotter, cuz it’s this bitch…

2. Santa Judge, that phantom heart sticker residue is a real wasp in my wig…Why do I gotta deal wit it @ all? I find heart stickers from my dresser drawers in swamps all the time, it don’t mean they were ever attached to duct tape from my garage that was wrapped around my kid’s skull. Don’t be so ignorant n jugmental, di**hole…

3. Katy Perry Santa, what’s in a kitchen knife? It was obviously unimportant, that’s why MamaGremlin took it from the car and washed it, along with the funky pants that simply smelled like a rotting squirrel pizza. I mean, come on, she did the cops a favor by processing that trunk FOR them. They should be giving her big fat asskisses, instead they’re tryin to frame her daughter all cuz she won’t screw em! What a bunch of a$$holes. They should be sued.

4. Santa Perry Mason, if I told ya once, I told ya a thousand times, just cuz this hot sexy mess is a pathological liar and convicted felon, none of that should come out at the tryal. Even though she said it herself during questioning, it was totally under distress, the way they were badjering her. She’s fragil, ya know? N besides, she wasn’t really lying, she was talking in high intelligence top secret code to the REAL kidnappers. The dumbass cops were too busy with their heads up their asses to figure out her soupreme intellect.

5. Your Santaness, the shovel, the shovel, ALL I hear about is the shovel! Fuggedabout the damn shovel already. Why r they so FIXATED on the shovel and the pavers and the 27 bags of cement spontaneously poured in the backyard 4th of July weekend? Why don’t they get off their asses and fly to Puerto Rico to find Caylee with the drug cartel? She’s not really dead, you know!!!!!

6. Your Judgable Santaness, if I hear that insufferable Tim Miller spin that ridiculous story about my girl pointin to Caylee’s body on the map, well….I’ll do somethin…I don’t know what, but it’ll be fierce…cuz that’s how I roll. That dude hates Hispanics, by the way, so u should let Rudolph drop a turd down his chimney when yer flyin over his house. C’mon…u don’t hate Hispanics….do u, Katy Perry Santa…?

Stay tuned to Egg Tree News for developments in this breaking story.


16 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Rachael on December 29, 2010 at 9:42 am

    What a read! Love your stuff, especiall mama gremlin, code talk, and 27 bags of cement. oye.

    • Hi Rachael! Cool, glad you enjoyed it! Whenever cindy goes on one of her rabid ramblings or cleaning sprees, I just picture a snarling feisty gremlin out for the kill!! 🙂

  2. Posted by doublesmom on December 29, 2010 at 10:46 am

    Excellent Eggy!

  3. Posted by Victoria on December 29, 2010 at 12:12 pm

    OH,OH,OH!!!! I think I cracked a rib! Tears are running and I am now cleaning the coffee I just spewed all over my screen. Thanks Eggy.

  4. Posted by Purple Iris on December 29, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    ROFLMAO ~ and I do mean for real !!

    You’ve got some talent, and oh, how I would LOVE to see Baez’s reaction to reading this.
    Or, Jeff Ashton or Linda Drane-Burdick.

    I hope they read here, cause you’d make their day.

    “Judge Katy Perry” – ya had me on that one for a minute, got to admit it, but, once that one hit home, oh Lord !

    Actually, I wish that someone that would copy this and send to all involved in this.

    Keep up the great work ~ We need places like what you have here to come to and read what and how you write.
    THANK YOU !!!

  5. Posted by maxineme on December 29, 2010 at 1:06 pm

    Very very funny, I can see him in his snowman onesy rolling into the courthouse!!!! 😆 you can sure write em… Keep em coming..Please.

  6. 😆 Good One Eggy! 😎 Listen, rumor has it that the hispanic hero is going to demand the JAC purchase Geraldo’s yacht for investigative purposes………Do you think you and your wondertwin could check on that one? I was shocked when I heard that one! :mrgreen: (I think it was supposed to be on the Christmas list, but was told it was decided to make it a surprise request at Monday’s hearing.)

  7. Posted by darth on December 29, 2010 at 3:24 pm

    oh my gosh nuttin better than readin about the dumb absolute stupidity of one jose fatboy biaaaaazzzz nice article what a piece of work LMAO!!!!

  8. Hilarious!!!

  9. Posted by nums24 on December 29, 2010 at 10:46 pm

    You have outdone yourself on this masterpiece!

    You kept me smiling all day, thank you!

  10. Posted by Danna on December 30, 2010 at 12:31 am

    omg, Im howling! too funny!

  11. Posted by Jill from Western Australia on December 30, 2010 at 5:24 am

    Tee Hee Eggy…the silly thing is that I can actually picture Baez in all your scenarios – guess that makes me one sad Flab :mrgreen:

  12. Posted by grownyoungmom on December 30, 2010 at 5:46 am

    LMAO…. What a great read, Thanks 🙂

  13. EGG!! THANK YOU AGAIN!! LOL! Great stuff!
    I wonder if Bozo had to wear his man girdle under his snowman onesy? HA! He’s getting so fat maybe he should consider switching over to Pepto Dismal Lite! I wonder how that mixes with rum?
    Gee, I hope we didn’t offend him here. Fat chance!
    The clown clan and you are the gift that keeps on giving. Happy New Year!

  14. Posted by donchais on January 1, 2011 at 7:28 am

    That should have come with a coffee spew warning!

  15. Posted by Doris on January 1, 2011 at 11:16 am

    Hys-TER-ical!!!! LMAO!!

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