Apparently Jose started his New Year’s celebration a couple days early this year, by bellyflopping into a kiddypool of champagne in his backyard and guzzling the bubbly until the pool was bone-dry. While sprawled near comatose at the bottom, donned in his 1920’s era mens one-piece bathing suit with a portrait of Fatty Arbuckle on the front, and a darling ‘Happy New Year’ tiara atop his oddly shaped head, Jose thought long and hard about his resolutions for the new year. After a lot of deep soul searching and occasional belching, he decided 2011 would be the year to exclude all evidence, testimony, witness statements, and any semblance of logic from his girl Casey Anthony’s murder trial.
So inspired was he by this bold new resolution, that he rolled out of the turtle shaped kiddypool, crawled across the yard (stopping on occasion to heave into the bushes), and entered the house in search of pen and paper to document his brilliance for Honorable Badass Perry. When he finished composing his masterpiece with a red sharpie on the back of a dirty Taco Bell napkin, he hopped in his purring Gremlin and putt-putted to the courthouse to officially file his resolution, and to make a formal announcement of his intentions.
That which shall be banned by the dough-headed oaf:
“Phantom” Heart Sticker Evidence
“Unreliable” Chloroform Evidence
Video Footage (Unspecified)
The Use, in any Fashion, of a Posting on the Internet Myspace References Attributable to Cindy Anthony, The Mother of the Defendant
The use, in any Fashion, of Internet Myspace References Attributable to the Defendant as “Diary of Days”
The use in any Fashion Whatsoever of a Certain “Jib Jab” Cartoon
In Court Photography/Videoing
Statements Made to George, Cindy Lee Anthony, Maya Derkovic, Robyn Adams, and Sylvia Hernandez
All Evidence Relating to Canine Searches and Alerts
Irrelevant Evidence of Stain in Trunk of Car
Irrelevant Evidence of Tattoo
And why not, really? All that “evidence” stuff is just prejudicial anyway, and that’s plain unfair. And why should prosecutors get to bring up incriminating things the defendant has said? They’re just words; they don’t really mean anything. And who gives a bibble if the mother of the year permanently etches “Beautiful Life” into her skin days after her child is ‘kidnapped?’ Totally irrelevant; I do it all the time! Quit bein so judgmental…..