Jose and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

-Orlando, FL

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day for Jose Baez at the Orlando courthouse yesterday. Nothing at all was right. It was stressful, awful, dreadful, and rotten. The kind of day that makes you want to hide under the OJ Simpson NFL themed covers of your racecar bed and bawl to your obese pug, Casey Marie, about how unfair life really is. Then beat the living crap out of your tear stained pillow while cursing your boss for having the gall to expect you to actually do your job.

Things were rocky from the moment the mouthbreathing bag of lipids opened his eyes in the morning. Hungover and running late, his quickie breakfast of Coca Cola and Poprocks left the bloated PeeWee Herman with a monstrous bellyache that lasted all morning. Adding to the chaos, the tape deck in his Gremlin was stuck on “loop,” so he couldn’t get pumped to the Miami Vice soundtrack on his way to the courthouse, as per usual.

The Gods were clearly against him.

But it only got worse as the morning progressed. “He told Mason he had a tummyache and wanted to go home,” says a source, “but Mason totally chewed him out and threatened to quit if he did, so he had to stay.” In all of his hungover tomfoolery, he then mistook the bailiff for a waiter, and ordered a round of margaritas for the defense team. Shot down by reality once again, he plopped down in his chair, put on his pouty face, and wondered aloud why he was even there.

Then the hearing commenced, and he had to endure minutes upon minutes of professional, grownup talk by prosecutors Ashton and Burdick, filled with $100 words he had never even heard before, which only worsened his already splitting headache. Mumbles Mason tried to do the bulk of the talking for the defense, since Jose’s rapidly expanding, growling tummy was teetering on the threshold of exploding, but the sour old coot could barely even slur some inaudible slop in Boss Perry’s direction. Mason fumbled nearly all 20 gajillion motions they had brilliantly hammered out nights before between bong hits and tequila shots in Jose’s basement.
And to top it all off, Boss Perry and the prosecutors had the nerve to tell Team Lobotomized Cheech and Chong that they hadn’t followed court orders, and had missed the deadlines to file said motions, and even imposed sanctions on their asses. “Deadlines are deadlines,” stated the boss, as Jose rolled his eyes in disbelief at the irrational injustice of it all. Boss Perry then delivered the real kick in the crotch and broke it down even further, giving specific instructions on how to perform his job, and threatening to fine his ass $500/day for non-compliance.

After the hearing, a visibly shaken Baez headed straight home and crawled under the covers for a good old fashioned hysterical hissyfit. Then he ate his feelings in the form of a meat-lovers pizza and a six pack of Tecate, and called Amnesty International and the ACLU to drunkenly discuss his options regarding suing Judge Perry.

Stay tuned to Egg Tree News for developments in this breaking story.

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81 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Purple Iris on January 4, 2011 at 4:17 pm

    It’s been rumored that the Scheme Team surfs around the wide world of the web {though Chong would never admit to that}, and I so hope that they read here !!!

    It sure is to bad that Baez mistakes his morning mouth wash with the bong water every day!!!
    Will he ever learn the differance between his Scope bottle and the Bong Bottle???
    Doubtfull I guess from what we have seen in the past.

    • Hi Purple iris!
      I’m pretty sure they do, cuz every once in awhile I get hit by their army of brain damaged trolls who sweep in kamikaze-style and call me all kinds of nasty names for name calling. They have a distinct odor of rotting squirrel pizza and hypocrisy. 😆 🙄 😆

  2. Posted by offthecuff on January 4, 2011 at 4:17 pm

    Is this but a sign of what we can expect come trial?

    How many terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days will Baez be having?

    Will Casey have to grab his arm to settle him down?

  3. Posted by Danna on January 4, 2011 at 4:35 pm

    omg…I can so picture Jose jamming to the Miami Vice soundrack…too funny!

  4. Posted by stonermoog on January 4, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    You are a genius. I hope the DUH-fense reads your site. Keep up the excellent work.

  5. Posted by doublesmom on January 4, 2011 at 5:05 pm

    Thank you Eggy – keep up the good work, please! 🙂

  6. Posted by Purple Iris on January 4, 2011 at 5:26 pm

    EggTree ~ Glad to hear that you think they are reading here ~!! I hope that the state does as well.
    Lord knows, they could use a laugh or more for what they go though, and will continue to go through with this bunch of misfits.

    I wonder what kind of BS they’ll be pulling out of their obsolete rabbit hat tomorrow.

    I’m expecting Mason to show up in a neck brace. Though he makes it abduntly clear that he is deaf and hard of hearing, he has no problem whipping around on one leg when the state says something behind him while he is standing at the podium.
    And, he has no problem leaning over and behind the WonderLess Bra’d one, to whisper and listen to his little buddy.

    Keep on rapping and tapping your commentaries out ~ Lots of people love em, and as I said, I’m sure that the state has to have fits of laughter over what you write.
    The other side – Just “fits”.

    • Posted by eggtreenews on January 4, 2011 at 7:01 pm

      The wonderLess bra’d one?! 😆 LMAO 😆

      I’m curious about tomorrows hearing too!

  7. 😆 I wonder how many times he’s apologized to his Johnny Cochran poster?……..Or did Geraldo take it in a fit of rage?
    :mrgreen:

    • Posted by eggtreenews on January 4, 2011 at 7:04 pm

      Hi Niecey! Geraldo did rip it off the wall in a fit of jealous rage, and replaced it with an enormous plasma screen TV that plays continuous footage of his interviews with Jose. He also placed a lock of his moustache in a charm bag beneath Jose’s pillow. :mrgreen:

      • Hey Eggy! I knew it………I just knew it! I wonder if he included his Al Capone’s Vault series to cheer him up and remind him of the rewards of his mission, if he will just not give up? :mrgreen: 😆 (so far the lucky stache is failing him)

  8. EGG!! Great stuff – again! I can’t wait for the day that Hoser takes one too many antacids, shows up in court and his stomach actually bursts open along with all the hot air he is full of and he flys around the ceiling and room backwards.
    He will at long last have his name go down in law books for a mission well done! HA!

    • Posted by eggtreenews on January 4, 2011 at 7:09 pm

      Hi Cakeroll! 😆 I’d love to see him pop and deflate; I wonder if a good ole tack on his chair would do the trick?

      • Egg, I think it’s gonna take something heftier, like a spike strip for the width of that ass.
        Tomorrow’s clown show should be good for a couple of laughs too! Ahh, the entertainment value of that defense is priceless!

    • Posted by 38special on January 4, 2011 at 8:36 pm

      Carol~ if Hose’ blows and starts spiraling the courtroom that’s when he’s going to really miss his legal vixens, LKB and AL. They could have locked arms and laid down for him to land on their soft dimply cellulite, of course he probably would be asphyxiated by the 50 lbs of hair that would be in his windpipe after the landing..oh well

      • Posted by eggtreenews on January 4, 2011 at 9:31 pm

        38!!!! 😆 LMAO! 😆 Since he’s sans the legal vixens to provide a cushy landing pad, maybe the slowly inflating Casey Marie could stepup to the plate and help him out? They could even drive Misty Croslin over from Satsuma and have her lock arms with Casey in time for the landing. :mrgreen:

        • Posted by 38special on January 4, 2011 at 10:20 pm

          LOL… Yes, maybe they could just do a prisoner swap for a day thing. Misty is plump enough to give Hose’ a good landing maybe even a quick Velvetta breath kiss too.
          KC’s just too slim to be helpful these days.
          She’s trading her snacks for something, she should have a couple of mega totes full of ho-ho’s, beef sticks and bean dip. I don’t think she’s eating them anymore.

          Wouldn’t that be great to be able to see the Satsuma Pillbillys in the gallery, all cozy with Cindy and her gal pal!? Bet Jim Lichenstein could work them into the docudrama. I’m gonna say it, I miss them. Now that they’re all doing time the white trash amusement quota is kaput. I’m gettin all misty thinking about Granny Hollars and Granny Sykes and the underwear…I gotta stop.

          • Posted by jon on January 6, 2011 at 11:44 am

            Just last night I was telling a friend about the Satsuma braintrust trying to figure out 10% of whatever Misty’s bail was at the time. Funny they should pop up on your post today. Ah, gone but not forgotten. Yeah, Misty and Casey – there’s a dream team for you!

  9. Posted by Sophie on January 4, 2011 at 8:02 pm

    Funniest piece ever! Thank you.

  10. Posted by 38special on January 4, 2011 at 8:24 pm

    Good times, eh Eggy?
    Doesn’t get much better than this, morons on steroids.
    You are probably on the money with the drunken calls to the ALCU, the sap will whine about his glorious Hispanic triumph being trampled and thrashed by the judge and his arch enemy Ashton. Hopefully his calls will be outsourced to some foreign call center, they won’t understand his cry baby tirade and he won’t be able to decipher what they’re saying either.

    I wish he’d hop in his Gremlin, fumble around for his favorite Gloria Esteban cassette and glance in his duct taped rear view mirror and see a 1977 El Dorado barreling down on him when he finally realizes it’s his blind deaf co counsel tokin on some ganja he brought back from Jamaica…oops, those Gremlins aren’t too good in rear end crashes. Only then will he regret not having CrazyO Marie sneeze a blessing on the car. 2011 starts off pretty well, I’ll be watching for the updates here.

    CrazyO can’t get plastic surgery in her jail digs can she? She sure looks weird lately, like she’s got some upper lip overhang or maybe her toof repair was done by a vet cause there’s something definitely wrong with her mouth. I have some ideas but…( how big is that food slot on her cell door anyways?)

    • I think her nose is growing.

      • Posted by 38special on January 4, 2011 at 8:41 pm

        Ruh Roh. Her nose is growing, her lip is morphing into a snout, her ears are moving at will and those mysterious bumps on her temples. The mother ship is calling her, hmmm and I also noticed Spindy’s hair looked very much like a Princess Leia ear muff style. It’s all coming clear now, George’s eyebrows, Lee’s webbed fingers….aliens, all of them!

    • Posted by eggtreenews on January 4, 2011 at 9:48 pm

      ROTFLMAO!!! Oh, I’m crying laughing at the mental image of a drunken Jose rockin out to Gloria’s “Rhythm is Gonna Get You” while belch-spelling “Junk Science” as he spies Mason creeping up on him in the El Dorado. Mason would be blasting Bob Marley’s “Jammin,” in his Colonel Sanders costume, coupled with a dreadlock wig and rastafarian hat. 😆

      Casey does look ‘different.’ Sources have said they had to call in an equinary dentist to fix that toof, and they had to replace it with a horse tooth that’s now pushing on her lip.

      • Posted by Purple Iris on January 5, 2011 at 12:37 pm

        Nah ~ It’s a strawberry fruity Chicklett !!

        Egg – feel free to use my name for our favorite inmate, the WonderLess Bra’d one.

        Now, as far as that Gremlin goes = I got ta tell ya. My brother bought one, fresh and new off the lot when they first came out. We thought it was quite nice at the time, early 70’s though.
        Course, by the time the mid 80’s rolled around, my husband came across one in a junk yard that was for sale.
        He thought it would be the perfect car for our son. All of his friends had fancy, souped up, “Mommy & Daddy Big Buck’s Cars”.
        And, all of his friends girlfriends ended up in a “family way”.
        Hubby thought this would be the perfect car for our son.
        Referred to it as the “SexLess Swinger Sloup”!!!
        {I talked him out of it, but, son still had to purchase his own car, which wasn’t much better and he never had any girls knocked up either, for that matter!!}

        We also had a neighbor, that used to yell at her kids, that if they didn’t straighten up, she’d slap em down to the “White Meat”.
        That always cracked me up.
        I wonder if Judge Perry, or any number of other people have ever thought of doing that to Baez?
        I can’t imagine that it hasn’t crossed someone’s mind at least once.

      • Posted by jon on January 6, 2011 at 11:48 am

        You can always throw a sugar cube or a carrot at her at the next hearing and see if she snorts it down!

  11. Posted by myra manes on January 5, 2011 at 6:22 am

    Thanks EggTree, another great one ..
    Hysterical too .. 😀

  12. Posted by jon on January 5, 2011 at 7:27 am

    Hey Eggy: Maybe Cindy can give him the name of jeweler she used to make the bracelet containing some of the “alive” Caylee’s ashes that I seem to remember she wears around her wrist all of the time. Then Bozo can have one made to contat some of Geraldo’s mustache hair. He could always finger it in the court room for “good luck”, not to mention kiss it good night when he tucks himself in at night.

    • Posted by eggtreenews on January 5, 2011 at 10:21 am

      Hiya jon! 🙂 He needs a custom made necklace with a vial to stash the ‘stache hair! He can wear his shirt half unbuttoned to let everybody see it nestled in his chest hair, kinda like a medallion! 🙂

      • Posted by 38special on January 5, 2011 at 3:34 pm

        Great ideas! The Speshful Whoraldo Chest Mat Locket ( thinking about that too long can cause projectile vomitting, so don’t) but I’m just wondering if the Hair Club for Men could make history by plucking a few strands from Rivera and then work some transplant magic and get them to grow in Bozo’s bald spot in the top back of his pointy head? Once they took hold and sprouted a little he might be able to rub em when he needed a little extra stage pizzazz.
        Whoraldo can’t impart much winning mojo cause he’s a loser too but he does have the gift of gab which far out weighs Hose’s gift of irrelevant babble syndrome.

        • Posted by eggtreenews on January 5, 2011 at 9:30 pm

          38, Can’t you see Jose rockin the vial medallion necklace in John Travolta’s white suit from Saturday Night Fever? Strikin the signature pose under a discoball he installed in the courtroom?!

          And wassup with his oddly shaped, anyway? Its always looked to me like his neck is trying to swallow his head, but some force is trying to pull it back up, but really only manages to stretch it by the bald point. Very strange. Must be the mother ship’s gravitational pull above him.

          • Posted by 38special on January 6, 2011 at 9:44 am

            Eggy~ what a scene!! LOL…JP with a Heff style smoking jacket, ascot & pajama pants rapping and spinning the vinyl from his desk. His bodacious court reporter and asst in hot pants go-go ing.

            Baez would indeed do Travolta proud! I could see mumbles pimped in Shaft type duds, big hat, bell bottoms doing that signature one legged spin of his.

      • Posted by jon on January 6, 2011 at 8:16 am

        What a revolting picture so early in the morning! Yeck…….

        • Posted by 38special on January 6, 2011 at 9:48 am

          Jon~ revolting, yes..but not as revolting as him in a speedo. Or him naked, cavorting in the Carribean.

          Did that help?

          • Posted by jon on January 6, 2011 at 11:52 am

            I have never tried to picture Baez naked, thank God. However, that being said, the sight of him in a Speed-O might be worse (he’d probably wear one of those white ones that become sort of see-thru when they get wet). Which would be worse? Hmmmmm. It’s one of the those difficult calls…… Of course, if he were totally naked, the belly flab might cover up whatever little there is that needs covering up.

            Yikes………

            • Posted by 38special on January 6, 2011 at 2:43 pm

              LOL for real.
              Jon, your last comment has made me laugh and now I’m having dry heaves…touche’

              the worst Baez visual? the naked lying on his side on a bear skin rug (with the chain/vial on of course), his ever present smirk with eyes rolled, holding an 8×10 glossy of casey’s bacne tattoo.
              I’m grossing myself out now. Better run before Eggy quickly writes up some site rules that I’ve violated. Mea culpa Eggy, Jon made me.

              • Posted by eggtreenews on January 6, 2011 at 9:40 pm

                LOLOLOLOLOL!!! My eyes! My fragile eyes! My delicate sensibilities have been brutally violated! 😆

                • Posted by jon on January 7, 2011 at 7:34 am

                  Another aspect of the visual on the bear rug. Bet he hasn’t clipped his toenails in six months either(can he reach them?).

  13. Posted by Molly on January 5, 2011 at 10:40 am

    you all crack me up !!
    her mouth does look different, like it got stuck in a vacuum cleaner hose.

    • Molly, that’s what she used to pratice with!

    • Posted by eggtreenews on January 5, 2011 at 9:32 pm

      Hey molly!

      • Posted by jon on January 6, 2011 at 1:09 pm

        I guess Tony, Bob, Dan, Bill, Mike, Steve, Brad, Jose, Julio, Paul, Boris, Allen, Jerry, Jeff, Al, Ed, George, Lou, Linus, Jack, Fred, Mack, Matt, Tom, Burt, Charlie, Don, Zach, Vick, Norman, Ken, Kyle, Andy, Raul, Antonio and a host of others would be able to testify to that! And Big Bertha is probably shortly to find out as well!

  14. Posted by Venice on January 5, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    Hi Egg,

    Another beautiful day in our pursuit for Justice for Caylee! Have a great day friend.

    • Posted by eggtreenews on January 5, 2011 at 9:34 pm

      Hi venice,
      I know, they got shot down again!! I’m bracing myself for the next immediate fishing expedition.

  15. I think Mr. Baez might need a therapist, as he got knocked down again, and you can tell it’s taking it’s toll on his self esteem. :mrgreen: Justice is just so hard for him to take.

    • Posted by 38special on January 5, 2011 at 3:44 pm

      Niecy, he has been stuck in regression therapy for years so maybe a more hands on approach would be more effective?
      I’m going to suggest some intensive Sado Masochism . A two-fer with Cindy or better yet, a three-fer with George marie. Whips, collars…yep, that’s the ticket. I’ve got a coupon for a buy one get a free session they can use, I’ll send it to the Hopesprings addy.

  16. Eggy,

    Great article. 😆 😆

    Will this story soon be followed by Where the Wild Dumb Things Are?

    …at the defense table, no matter where it moves in the courtroom…

    Or how about Jose Hears a Who… Who Took a Picture… So Jose Tried to Suponea Who… Cause Jose is… The Cat In the Hat…

    Or how about the new Judge Perry book: One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Sanctioned Fish

    I imagine the last story in the cycle, near the end of the trial, will be Jose starring in Are You My Mother?

    • Posted by Purple Iris on January 5, 2011 at 3:26 pm

      And, they can all eat “Green Hams & Eggs” from the prison cells.

    • Posted by eggtreenews on January 5, 2011 at 10:07 pm

      Bulldawg,

      You’ve been readin my mind, as per usual! 😆

      I was also thinking of a series called, “Where the Sidewalk Ends…The wet swamp begins…and it was never ever searched…because it was f***ing underwater”

      “Are You There, Zenaida? It’s Me, Casey.”

      “Superfudge… Goes to Court in a Sombrero”

      “The Babysitters Club: Zenaida Moves to Puerto Rico with a Drug Cartel”

      “Blubber…now facing the jury…”
      😆 😆 😆

  17. Bozo didn’t have to get undressed to receive his just reward today. While he was wearing the ass end of a horses costume, he looked great with his Eddie Munster hairstyle, so him. HA!

  18. Egg, let me out of spam world! I can’t post!!

    • Posted by eggtreenews on January 5, 2011 at 10:10 pm

      WHY do you insist on landing in my spam folder half the time?! 🙂 Its sooo annoying, cuz I rarely ever check it! Quit doin that! 😆 😆 😆

  19. OMG, the visuals just kill me! Thank you for the laughs!

  20. Posted by 38special on January 10, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    just checking in to see if I need to shake things up wif some more Baez toenail talk, looks mighty quiet here.

    Bet he gets pedicures anyway at the same Vets office that CrazyO gets her teeth fixed at. Those extra charp snippers can cut thru some nasty claws and they both can get a flea dip too. outa here!

    • The good news today is that Musty Croslin from the Satsuma swamp got another 25 years added on her sentence. That’s a hellofva way to learn how to do math! HA!
      Do you think she’ll have time to get past the seventh grade now and get a GED? What are the odds?

      • Posted by eggtreenews on January 10, 2011 at 7:49 pm

        A life sentence plus infinity wouldn’t be enough time for Misty to learn the definition of “numerical.”

      • Posted by 38special on January 10, 2011 at 10:13 pm

        Musty!!! luv it. Get a GED? One of them ain’t no good, her daddy always told her she was too damn purdy to need an education. She just needed a good man to do all the cipherin’ for her. ( But she showed everyone her smarts counting out those pills alright)

        I mean cmon, her mama has done well, eh? Street smarts, that’s whats important, mama C. can nab a sistas purse and run for the sputtering Dodge with nerves of steel.

        I did read that the judge asked her why she was selling drugs and she said that she was poor & that’s what ya do…she shoulda said “thanks a lot mom and dad for being such losers that now the whole damn family’s in lockup, cuz we is stupid” What happened to Haleigh, Musty?

    • Hey 38! 😆

      Sources have told me that the guards who escorted Casey to The Equine Veterinarian Hospital had to coerce the vain little vixen by telling her she was really going to a poker party at the Veteran’s Hospital. They even let her wear her American Flag. 😆

      • Posted by 38special on January 10, 2011 at 10:00 pm

        Wowser! Those Orlando deputies are sneaky. Wonder what they tell her when it’s a hearing day? Neighhhhh, giddy up

  21. Hi Egg. And so it continues today- Tues, 11th, with Baez. He filed a 23 page motion as to why he was late due to the traffic conditions, so he didn’t make it to the court house on time. He arrived at 5:02! HA!!
    You could leave this post up forever! The entertainment value of this guy is priceless!
    Maybe he needs somemore squirells in his engine!

    • Posted by 38special on January 13, 2011 at 12:29 pm

      True dat Carol! This post for infinity….it could serve as the Baez law firm’s mission statement. The commercial would start out…”Train wreck?..no worries, we are the leaders in defending the crazy train, the run away train and the train going nowhere. In fact we are the train engineers, not afraid to gun that engine and barrel down the tracks with no brakes. We’re bad to the bone, call us for free questionnaire to see how we can exploit you.”

  22. Posted by spooky_places on January 12, 2011 at 6:22 am

    OMG too funny! Seriously, I wouldn’t doubt fumbles and mumbles hitting the bong! I mean, look at how they write their motions…a retarded baboon could do better.

    • Posted by 38special on January 14, 2011 at 11:13 am

      Spooky, after the latest, the letter Geezer wrote for Skeezer, asking for the State to not cash the check and all the other sob fest talk, I think it’s clear that they chipped a gob of crack in their bong.

  23. Posted by Lexie on January 18, 2011 at 5:38 pm

    OMG this site is hilarious ! got yourself another reader for sure ! its like your thoughts are my thoughts ! SCARY LOLOL

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