Jury selection is underway in the Caylee Anthony murder case, and many spectators are wondering what’s REALLY running through the mind of uber-fidgety homicidal harlot Casey Anthony. Luckily, Egg Tree News has channeled it for us:
“This f**king BITES. The lighting in here is terrible, I’m gonna look like crap on camera. I HAVE to remember to tell Jose to bring me some self-tanner. I so hate my mom, she is sooooo getting thrown under the bus for all this. (Wring hands) UGGGGHHHH…this f**king shirt is not my color. Again. And why do the sleeves ALWAYS have to bunch and ride up? Every time I move, I swear. That b*tch CANNOT pick out clothes for me; I bet she’s trying to make me look bad. My palms itch. Alright, now how are my bangs? I swear, they got all f**ked up while I was changing, and this a-hole judge up front REFUSES to let me have a hair and makeup team. What a d**k. Whatever, he only hates me cuz he knows I won’t sleep with him. My palms itch.
I can’t believe my b*tch of a mother didn’t even bother to show up for this. First she begs to see me on Mother’s Day, then she won’t even show her support at jury selection? Thanx “mom.” I love watching her pine away at me out of the corner of my eye, like a lost little puppy. B*tch knows she’s goin down for this, so she BETTER kiss my ass. (Wring hands) (Itch palms) (Brush sleeves) (Smooth bangs)
Alright, where’s the tissue for my crying scene? I’m DOING a crying scene today, Goddamnit, no matter what this team of fat dingleberries says, and that requires TISSUE. I don’t care if Jose thinks crying is a bad idea; he wasn’t there to see it work on my mom for 20 years, so he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’ll show him. I’ll have this jury lappin it up in no time, just like that dumb b*tch at home.
Alright, what the hell?! (Smooth bangs) (Wring hands) (Itch palms) (Wring hands) (Brush sleeves) WHY are Jose and Mason sitting so far away from me? Why am I stuck between Stringbean Sims and Amazonlawyerlady #3, whose name I can never remember. Whatever, at least I’m the hottest. But seriously, Jose’s so pissed I was flirting with Mason right in front of him the other day. (Wring hands) (Wipe table) (Itch palms) And now these 2 losers are fighting over me. Awesome. God, why do my palms keep itching?
Okay, here comes the jury pool…any hotties? (Smooth bangs)(A Million Times) Hmmm…he’s do-able. That one looks like he has good credit…Okay, time to start looking sad… What do sad people normally look like?
Uggghhhh….why does this a-hole judge have to start yapping his jaws about the indictment EVERY Goddamn morning?!?! That is sooooo distracting, I’m trying to get into character!! (Shake head NO!) (Fuss with hair) (Dab eyes) (Rub nose)
UGGGGGHHH, its like, prejudicial or something. This is so unfair. That’s it, I’m crying. This douchebag should NOT be allowed to read off the charges, he’s TOTALLY making me sound guilty. Jose better get off his fat ass and do something about this. He got rid of Strickland, he should get rid of this guy too. Why the hell are there no tears on this tissue? I’ve been poking at my eyes for, like, 10 minutes; usually they get wet by now. Damnit, my palms itch! (Wring hands) (Scratch palms)
What else do sad people do?
Nobody’s paying attention to me. Everyone’s looking at these ugly jurors. Hardships my ass. They should be excited to be on my jury. In fact they should all kneel down and give me big phat asskisses just for gracing them with my presence. I might even have sex with some of them if they aquit me.
F**k this. I’m gonna play sick, this is sooo boring…