Baez Pitches Telemundo Soap Opera Plot in Lieu of Opening Statement

-Planet Anthony

In a move of astonishing incompetence, lead defense “attorney” Jose Baez delivered a half-baked Telemundo soap opera plot in lieu of an opening statement yesterday in the murder trial of Casey Anthony. His slapdash, melodramatic presentation followed a long lunch break, fueling speculation of a defense team party at Margaritaville, complete with peyote and a hotboxed ride on the shortbus back to the courthouse. The proud Hispanic Hero, who may as well have been wearing a Zorro costume while pitching his nefarious plot ideas, waddled into the courtroom belchspelling “U.G.L.Y. C.O.P.I.N.G.,” and proceeded to dazzle jurors with wild and raunchy tales of sexual abuse, accidental drownings, bodysnatching meter readers with small bladders, corrupt cadaver dogs out to get Hot Mess Casey Anthony, and a nationwide conspiracy to obstruct justice.

Telemundo producers everywhere stroked their beards and nodded.

“This script has all the elements of a great Spanish soap opera,” said one producer who wished to remain anonymous. “I especially like the suspension of disbelief surrounding meter reader and bodysnatcher Roy Kronk. The leap from George disposing the body to Roy later MOVING the body is a high-drama twist crucial to any successful soap opera. Throw in the shock value of incest taboo, and you have quite a moneymaker.”

Even more impressive than the meter reader drama was lead actress Casey Anthony’s ability to cry on cue when hearing the gritty details of the abuse she suffered at the hands of her father. “The pictures of her baby’s duct-taped skull covered in muck didn’t phase her at all, but she sure turned on the waterworks when Jose so eloquently described waking up with her dad’s d*ck in her mouth,” said another Telemundo rep. So tormented by this monster was she, claims Jose, that she continued living in the terrifying demon’s house, even stealing tens of thousands of dollars from him while lying about having a job, and driving the car provided by him, eating the food in his refrigerator, and even leaving her beloved daughter with the twisted pedophile so she could go out and party Party PAR-TAY. “Its a hardknock life for Miss Casey, that’s for sure,” says the source. “She’s really mastered the victim role, which is a testament to her great acting. The kid’s gonna be a star.”

Stay tuned to EggTreeNews for developments in this breaking story.


30 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by ame on May 25, 2011 at 5:44 am

    Your article is elequent as always

  2. 😆 Hey Eggy! I think the marguritas and peyote explain a lot. :mrgreen:

    You are so good at getting the inside scoop!

    I’ve a feeling that Casey will be doing prison dramas. Or maybe a reality show: Death Row Diva.

    • Drugs and alcohol are the ONLY logical explanation, Niecey. No sober, sane mind would pitch that crap.

      😆 Death Row Diva 😆

  3. Too funny!
    Thanks for the hilarious read!

  4. Posted by Danna on May 25, 2011 at 7:01 am

    Most excellent analysis. rofl

  5. Posted by BEES KNEES on May 25, 2011 at 7:30 am

    Excellent combination of sharp wit and shocked disbelief!!! I am still stunned by the entire performance. The terrible melodrama that was bozo’s acting skills were atrocious!!! I’m afraid the image and sound of his whaling “Look what you’ve done! Wait till I tell your mother!” as he demonstrates George holding out the soaking wet corpse of Caylee, has been seared into my brain. If there was ever any doubt that kc killed Caylee there is no longer. Way to go, idiot.

    • His performance was UNBEARABLE, Bees… It was offensive to anybody with a lick of common sense. Everytime he opens his mouth, he puts another nail in her coffin. IDIOT.

  6. Posted by Jill from Western Australia on May 25, 2011 at 9:56 am

    You nailed it Eggy :mrgreen:
    I really really really want to slap that smirk off Baez’s 👿 face!

    • Posted by Elizabeth on May 25, 2011 at 9:15 pm

      It’s botox…don’t think slapping him will do any good….his face is frozen in that smirk.

  7. Posted by Adriana on May 25, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    the best sentence: “bodysnatching meter readers with small bladders”

    LOL that made me laugh hard, thanks Eggy, you are awesome 🙂

  8. Posted by doublesmom on May 25, 2011 at 6:52 pm

    Excellent as always Eggy! Thanks 🙂

  9. Posted by chijojo on May 25, 2011 at 7:16 pm

    “bodysnatching meter readers with small bladders” I laughed so hard MY bladder leaked! Thank You ♥ Eggy. Another honestly written depression lifter!

  10. Posted by 38special on May 25, 2011 at 8:52 pm

    EGGY! Bueno, Muy Bueno, Si’ LMAO
    Telemundo knows good drama, he’s a lock for host position now. Who woulda thunk that this tragedy could get any bizzaro? Baez ain’t called Blowzo for nuthing.

    You hit all the high notes in your great article but is there any defense ploy not accounted for…alien abduction maybe?
    I’d like for you to start on your prize winning article about when the psycho bitch spins her Ruth Buzzy head, spewing vomit and tales of her big enchilada taking advantage of her. It CAN get nuttier but for now, I’m on pins and needles how Roy K pilfered the poor child’s remains. Does he even know? A new syndrome? Kronktomania?

  11. Posted by gorilla on May 26, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    OMG!! Kronktomania…That is just tooooo hilarious !!!!!!!

  12. Posted by stef on May 26, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    I vote for Erik Estrada to play Bozo in the Telemundo soap! He used to be on one!

    • Posted by 38special on May 26, 2011 at 8:26 pm

      I’m thinking El bozo would insist that he play himself or the deal is off. His theme song would definitely be Rico Suave.

      i can see him now with his doo-rag and open leather jacket, heavy gold chain getting all tangled in his chest hair. So sexy.

      • Posted by denjet on May 27, 2011 at 5:51 pm

        LMAO … Eggy’s article already had me in stitches, but your contribution put me into non-stop giggling …. I can’t stop picturing it !!

      • Posted by Danna on May 28, 2011 at 6:48 pm

        more than the soap itself, I look forward to the TMZ video where they catch Jose Suave running on the beach in his speedo hand in hand with Geraldo

        • Posted by 38special on May 28, 2011 at 7:55 pm

          DANNA!!!!! I demand eye bleach immediately…..and a lemon drop shooter. That’s the least you can do, hey… let’s get some of those optical fold up glasses, some booze and have a TMZ party when it comes on !? do you think the whole gang will join in for a fab (or flab) fiesta? Andrea Lyon, Linda Baden, Macaloco,natch he’ll be there, hell he’s already there, maybe JVM, she’s all up their azz
          Let’s hope all that narstiness doesn’t cause an international incident, I’ll send a press release to some Mexican drug cartels to take care of security. Good times. Call me!

          • Posted by Danna on May 29, 2011 at 7:39 am

            I shall be happy to supply the booze, but byoeb. Well if we are having the cartel lets not forget to invite Tiffany whats her name.

            This is for Andrea & Linda. a little heads up.

  13. Posted by Cat on May 27, 2011 at 2:42 am

    LOL Egg….this is great!! What an embarassment this defense team is, and to the memory of this precious little child, Caylee. I can’t even stand to look at JB…ugh! Wonder what was going through the HJP’s mind when JB dropped his blockbuster, class act, acadamy award winning performance (NOT)to the jury. All I can say is, bring in the clowns!!!

  14. Posted by Pam on May 27, 2011 at 9:21 am

    I can only imagine Baez hates Casey. He really cant be that stupid can he?

  15. Posted by Pam in SC on May 29, 2011 at 10:18 am

    Wonder what was going through the HJP’s mind when JB dropped his blockbuster, class act, acadamy award winning performance (NOT)to the jury. All I can say is, bring in the clowns!!! I agree completely except 1 word change “winning” it should have added “WHINING” LOL

  16. Posted by kas on May 29, 2011 at 2:49 pm

    Great job Egg!! Pulitzer Prize material!!!

    My favorite part if you (dare to) follow Baez’ (il)logic train: Kronk hid Caylee’s body to get the reward money to fix his car. Only…..his car didn’t have the problem when any of this madness started.

    Roy Kronk: Evil Genius.

    • Posted by 38special on May 29, 2011 at 3:12 pm

      LOL. No wonder Blowzo has had it in for the poor guy…he’s an evil genius. Even after all these days to digest the story, every time I get to the RK=EG part my head automatically starts shaking. Baez has got to be one of the dumbest people on earth.

  17. Posted by 38special on May 29, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    I know there’s a wholelotta stupitt in the world and you have lots of material to choose from….but I really appreciate all the hilarious articles you’ve done on the Casey posse. Ever since I read the one that had Bozo looking for Skittles in kc’s bra, I’ve been hooked.
    I will be glad when it’s over, I think I’ve burned a couple of brain cells on it…I need all I can get IYKWIM.

  18. Posted by Stargazer on June 12, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    When might we look forward to another brilliant Eggy post?????? We could sure use some levity! Hurry!

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