In a move of astonishing incompetence, lead defense “attorney” Jose Baez delivered a half-baked Telemundo soap opera plot in lieu of an opening statement yesterday in the murder trial of Casey Anthony. His slapdash, melodramatic presentation followed a long lunch break, fueling speculation of a defense team party at Margaritaville, complete with peyote and a hotboxed ride on the shortbus back to the courthouse. The proud Hispanic Hero, who may as well have been wearing a Zorro costume while pitching his nefarious plot ideas, waddled into the courtroom belchspelling “U.G.L.Y. C.O.P.I.N.G.,” and proceeded to dazzle jurors with wild and raunchy tales of sexual abuse, accidental drownings, bodysnatching meter readers with small bladders, corrupt cadaver dogs out to get Hot Mess Casey Anthony, and a nationwide conspiracy to obstruct justice.
Telemundo producers everywhere stroked their beards and nodded.
“This script has all the elements of a great Spanish soap opera,” said one producer who wished to remain anonymous. “I especially like the suspension of disbelief surrounding meter reader and bodysnatcher Roy Kronk. The leap from George disposing the body to Roy later MOVING the body is a high-drama twist crucial to any successful soap opera. Throw in the shock value of incest taboo, and you have quite a moneymaker.”
Even more impressive than the meter reader drama was lead actress Casey Anthony’s ability to cry on cue when hearing the gritty details of the abuse she suffered at the hands of her father. “The pictures of her baby’s duct-taped skull covered in muck didn’t phase her at all, but she sure turned on the waterworks when Jose so eloquently described waking up with her dad’s d*ck in her mouth,” said another Telemundo rep. So tormented by this monster was she, claims Jose, that she continued living in the terrifying demon’s house, even stealing tens of thousands of dollars from him while lying about having a job, and driving the car provided by him, eating the food in his refrigerator, and even leaving her beloved daughter with the twisted pedophile so she could go out and party Party PAR-TAY. “Its a hardknock life for Miss Casey, that’s for sure,” says the source. “She’s really mastered the victim role, which is a testament to her great acting. The kid’s gonna be a star.”
Stay tuned to EggTreeNews for developments in this breaking story.