Relaxation Tips for Judge Perry

-Orlando, FL

Let’s face it, people: Honorable Badass Belvin Perry looks about THISCLOSE to giving Ignorance Personified (who goes by the alias Jose Baez) an atomic wedgie in court. It’s obvious Judge Perry has his hands full, and his patience is running thin. And who can really blame him? He’s endured two agonizing years of Jose’s chronic idiocy regarding everything judicial, his bloated ego, his contemptuous smirk, and his overall irritating manner of expressing himself.

And that flip-chart and easel.

Insufferable.

But luckily, EggTreeNews is here to help Judge Perry relax and unwind. Come the inevitable next chapter of Jose’s lunacy, he’ll be calm, cool, and under control.

*Exercise is key to stress management. Invest in a quality punching bag, and get your knuckles bloody for 20 minutes every morning before court. When you get to work, stare at Jose while kissing said bloody knuckles.

*To round out the althletic experience, practice yoga. Whenever Jose tries to pull a fast one, just halt the proceedings, and do a series of sun salutations in the courtroom to find your spiritual center. Jeff Ashton (and just about everyone in the room, really) might join you. Go Yogi Perry!

*If anyone deserves to be king for a day after yet another week of circus foolery, it’s you. So treat yourself to a Spa Sunday. You would look ADORABLE in one of those fuzzywuzzy robes, with your feet wrapped in hot towels, while eating peeled grapes and drinking champagne. I’ll even send you a crown to wear, to complete the ensemble.

*Deep breaths, man. Deep breaths. Deeper than that. They’ll take you to your happy place.

*Light aromatherapy candles all over your bench. During the relentless, boring sidebars, sculpt some sweet figures out of the dripped wax. Make them about as relevant as whatever Jose is bitching about.

*Its important that you don’t let Jose’s insanity penetrate your brain via the soundwaves created by his voice. So the second he opens his mouth to belch out his next argument, tune him out by blasting the Looney Tunes theme music in your head. Editor’s note: the voice of Charlie Brown’s teacher can be substituted if preferred.

*Purchase a diary with a good lock, and spill your guts about Baez The Unbelievable. Create an elaborate hiding place for it, and boobytrap the hell out of it. Then buy a decoy diary, in which you pay tribute to “Juannie Cochrane’s” MAD litigating skills. Hide it in a place the defense P.I. will surely find it when he comes a-snoopin’. Cuz you know he’s gonna.

*When all else fails, pop an Ativan. Make it two. Hell, just crush up a handful of ’em and snort a few lines before court.

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37 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Kitt on June 21, 2011 at 6:14 pm

    Lol! I love it! Thanks!

  2. OMG….

    I LOVE YOUR POSTS…..NEVER MISS THEM…..EACH ONE IS BETTER THAN THE LAST

    AND I HOWL WITH LAUGHTER…..

    ALL I CAN SAY IS…..YOU ARE GREAT….FANTASTIC AND TOPS IN THE HUMOR DEPT.

  3. Posted by stef on June 21, 2011 at 6:44 pm

    Oh, damn…aroma therapy candles in the courtroom…lol…

  4. Posted by Redrelaxed on June 21, 2011 at 11:28 pm

    Timely post Eggy, JP needs a double, and I’m not talking Chivas Regal Royal Salute on the rocks!

    • Posted by Eggtreenews on June 22, 2011 at 9:14 pm

      I feel so bad for the man. Hes shown remarkable restraint. He hasn’t even rolled his eyes once. Amazing.

  5. Posted by Danna on June 22, 2011 at 7:25 am

    He can also start drifting away to some Yanni during the sidebars….

    • Posted by Kay on June 22, 2011 at 12:31 pm

      Yes! Yanni, Enya, or a chinese instrumental is a “must” , & aromatherapy – some lavender in the air , along with a team of massage women using lavender-eucalyptus massage oil on neck, shoulders, & feet during those tedious Sidebars. Ahh! I’m feeling more refreshed just writing about it!

      • Posted by Eggtreenews on June 22, 2011 at 9:28 pm

        Lets send him a team of Japanese geisha girls. They can massage JP, give him a mani/ pedi, serve tea to the gallery… They can call each witness to the stand with a traditional song and dance.

    • Posted by Eggtreenews on June 22, 2011 at 9:18 pm

      Danna, he needs a cd of soothing whale sounds. Or calm ocean waves.

  6. Posted by doublesmom on June 22, 2011 at 7:56 am

    I agree with you Eggy – poor Judge Perry – I don’t know how he does it. He’ll need xanax before this trial is over….

    Funny stuff Eggy – thanks – I always look forward to reading you. šŸ™‚

    • Posted by Eggtreenews on June 22, 2011 at 9:36 pm

      I don’t know how he keeps a straight face. I would burst into the giggles all the time, and it would be very difficult to keep a civil tone.

  7. Posted by Pam on June 22, 2011 at 10:12 am

    I would love to read your spin on the way Casey has been dressing lately. OMG when she came out with her shirt wrapped yesterday or the knot the day before…. I laughed so hard. She is a freaking piece of work! BTW I love this site. I found it through Humble Opinon my other favorite site!

    • Posted by Kay on June 22, 2011 at 12:37 pm

      Piece of work is putting it mildly…an article was posted on wftv that said a bunch of men have been sending this beyond-byotch money, so it seems Princess Poopy Pants is catering to clowns thinking with their third leg, & knows where her bread is buttered! Wretch-worthy.

    • Posted by Eggtreenews on June 22, 2011 at 9:45 pm

      Hee hee hee! šŸ™‚ it took a while to get all the hahas outta my system. Deal with THAT ensemble, huh?!?! “My rack will set me free !”

      • Posted by Pam on June 23, 2011 at 7:00 am

        Did all the beef sticks at OCJ rellay act as miacle grow for them bad boys? Her boobs are huge!

        • Posted by Eggtreenews on June 23, 2011 at 4:38 pm

          Maybe that’s where all the defense money went?!?!! Baez bought her a new rack for the high profile trial! šŸ™‚

          • Posted by doly on June 23, 2011 at 8:56 pm

            possible, and who agrees that if so, his dumbass wasted the tax payers money on yet another expert that gave her saggy sad boobies and said trust me I know how to spin this in your favor if the money is right!

  8. Posted by 38special on June 22, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    Another classic article Eggy!
    Scented candles and snorting ativan is definitely relaxing but for this particular raw nerves problem I say think out of the box.
    A bloody dog pile on top of the entire defense team probably would do wonders . The release of pent up anxiety while giving Jose a black eye or taking scissors to casey’s horse tail might do the trick.
    Fair rules should be enforced of course, Chinny mason should be allowed to remove his teeth and Dot should be allowed to cower behind Anne F but baliffs would be instructed to prevent any girly-men from fleeing…yes, I mean you, Baez and William (Thwarted).

    • Posted by Eggtreenews on June 22, 2011 at 9:54 pm

      In the words of Mr Burns fromThe Simpsons, “Excellent.” I would only add every single member of Casey’s screAm team from days passed. We can lure them to Orlando with talk of a Geraldo Special. Shouldn’t be too hard.

  9. Posted by valleygirl on June 22, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    Too funny!! I love the aromatherapy idea, that would work wonders!! He also needs a stress ball to squeeze repeatedly. I think I’ll invent a Baez squeezie stress ball. Two/three weeks left of trial by the time I get a patent and manufacture a bunch it will be too late to get rich off that one, I lost that opportunity. God Bless Judge Perry!!

    • Posted by Eggtreenews on June 22, 2011 at 9:59 pm

      I think you should make at least one to send to Judge Perry. He can use it even after the trial, during his post traumatic stress recovery. šŸ™‚

      • Posted by Danna on June 23, 2011 at 7:32 am

        I say by the end of the trial the judge might be using Jose’s stones as baoding balls.

    • Posted by PA Valley Girl on June 23, 2011 at 9:56 am

      OMG, a Baez squeeze ball….and when you squeeze it the eyes bulge out!!! That would be priceless!!!

      ~~~~~

      By the way, I’m a valley girl too!

  10. Posted by doly on June 22, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    I like to picture Baez tied to those tracks every time I hear that train pass by during court. Very soothing.

    • Posted by Eggtreenews on June 22, 2011 at 10:12 pm

      Someone should make a parody video, silent movie era black and white style, of Cheney Mason frantically trying to untie Baez from the tracks. Trying, and failing miserably when the train kills them both.

      • Posted by doly on June 23, 2011 at 5:42 pm

        lol…and Casey laughing her butt off with a chat bubble over her head saying “Zanny was driving that train but I guess they will also pin this one on poor little ole me just cause he was chained to the tracks with my prison shackles!

  11. Posted by TanLoves Caylee on June 22, 2011 at 4:37 pm

    Egg, thanks again for providing us all the comic relief that seems necessary to us all after 3 years of this awful crime. I know I really appreciate it!
    Judge Perry is the best! Bless his heart and immense knowledge of the law!

    • Posted by Eggtreenews on June 22, 2011 at 10:17 pm

      Very welcome, and thank you kindly for reading! šŸ™‚ and indeed, BLESS Judge Perry!

  12. To relieve stress…Judge badass Perry, should use imagery….Imagine Baez in a loaded baby diaper…and a pacifier…..Casey in black leathers and a cat of nine tails….chasing baez around the court room….beating his a$$ as he crawls along….Sims can suckle Baez with her ample girls exposed, to give him his due pity….and Cheney can be dressed as Santa Claus, carrying a placard that says….TRIAL IS OVER……GUILTY……..Justice for caylee……

  13. Posted by doly on June 23, 2011 at 8:39 pm

    We should all pitch in and buy JP a T-shirt or bumper sticker that says Bella Vita Bitch! when she gets convicted.

  14. Posted by P on June 23, 2011 at 10:48 pm

    I love your humor!! Bahahaha poor little Spitey ain’t gonna like it! I think JP dreams of her day o death, himself giving her the lethal injection with a slurpee straw… I can see the peace and tranquility coming over him until…da da da da DAAA yes that annoying gnatman, Jose wah wah wah ….little prick. Chinny mason, bahahahaha havin fun yet? Have they scheduled his degreaser and flea dip yet?? Thank you Judge Perry, You Rock!!

  15. Posted by Abby on June 24, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    The best relaxation method I can think of for Judge Perry is if CM hands him his flask.

  16. Posted by kas on June 26, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    I love the very specific, sing-song-y way JP says: “Mista Ba- Ez”

    example: “Do you have any actual grounds for that Mistrial Request, Mista Ba-Ez?”

    He is so adorable.

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