Let’s face it, people: Honorable Badass Belvin Perry looks about THISCLOSE to giving Ignorance Personified (who goes by the alias Jose Baez) an atomic wedgie in court. It’s obvious Judge Perry has his hands full, and his patience is running thin. And who can really blame him? He’s endured two agonizing years of Jose’s chronic idiocy regarding everything judicial, his bloated ego, his contemptuous smirk, and his overall irritating manner of expressing himself.
And that flip-chart and easel.
But luckily, EggTreeNews is here to help Judge Perry relax and unwind. Come the inevitable next chapter of Jose’s lunacy, he’ll be calm, cool, and under control.
*Exercise is key to stress management. Invest in a quality punching bag, and get your knuckles bloody for 20 minutes every morning before court. When you get to work, stare at Jose while kissing said bloody knuckles.
*To round out the althletic experience, practice yoga. Whenever Jose tries to pull a fast one, just halt the proceedings, and do a series of sun salutations in the courtroom to find your spiritual center. Jeff Ashton (and just about everyone in the room, really) might join you. Go Yogi Perry!
*If anyone deserves to be king for a day after yet another week of circus foolery, it’s you. So treat yourself to a Spa Sunday. You would look ADORABLE in one of those fuzzywuzzy robes, with your feet wrapped in hot towels, while eating peeled grapes and drinking champagne. I’ll even send you a crown to wear, to complete the ensemble.
*Deep breaths, man. Deep breaths. Deeper than that. They’ll take you to your happy place.
*Light aromatherapy candles all over your bench. During the relentless, boring sidebars, sculpt some sweet figures out of the dripped wax. Make them about as relevant as whatever Jose is bitching about.
*Its important that you don’t let Jose’s insanity penetrate your brain via the soundwaves created by his voice. So the second he opens his mouth to belch out his next argument, tune him out by blasting the Looney Tunes theme music in your head. Editor’s note: the voice of Charlie Brown’s teacher can be substituted if preferred.
*Purchase a diary with a good lock, and spill your guts about Baez The Unbelievable. Create an elaborate hiding place for it, and boobytrap the hell out of it. Then buy a decoy diary, in which you pay tribute to “Juannie Cochrane’s” MAD litigating skills. Hide it in a place the defense P.I. will surely find it when he comes a-snoopin’. Cuz you know he’s gonna.
*When all else fails, pop an Ativan. Make it two. Hell, just crush up a handful of ’em and snort a few lines before court.