The Whirling Dervish Chronicles

-Planet Anthony

The latest in the unruly whirling dervish that is the Casey Anthony trial:

1. Two greasy, cartoonesque private investigators set out on a bodyhunting adventure in Autumn of 2008, and were even bright enough to videotape the whole sordid mess. According to gritty documentary director Jim Hoover, Cindy Anthony ordered their tour through the swamp. But according to Weepy Lee, Cindy Anthony was the one who ordered the bobbleheaded duo to walk the woods. Even more confusing, Officer Yuri Melich testified that Cindy Anthony stated she ordered her bumbling minion P.I.s to investigate the woods in November.  

However, according to Cindy Anthony on the stand, it wudn’t her.

Okey-dokey. That clears that up.

2. The defense went to great lengths to establish through Dr. Bock that Caylee’s remains were placed in the swamp just two weeks before they were found in December. Then they went to great lengths to establish through Roy Kronk that the remains were definitely there in August. Then they established they are officially braindead. 

3. ***jazzhands*** Sally the Certified Traumatologist ****jazzhands****
A drunk Sally Jessy Rafael impersonator sashayed up to the witness stand and set the record straight about normal grieving behavior. Take notes for future reference. Dancin and partyin are clear signs of deep distress. Lyin and sluttin it up are obvious displays of mourning.  In short, anything and everything Casey did in those 31 days was totally consistent with a grieving mother who knew her baby was rotting in a swamp, says Sensational Stoner Sally under her spotlight. It must be true, she’s an expert. Just ask her “peer review journals” at Barnes and Noble, or Parenting magazine. 

4. The pouty Elvira impersonator at the defense table shed a lonely tear at Stoner Sally’s dramatic interpretation of her sad grievin ways, but glared frozen death rays at her broken father as he crumpled into a heap of despair testifying about his suicide attempt following Caylee’s death. 

5.  River Cruz/Krystal Holloway/ whatever stripper name she’s going by this week, testified that she sold her story to the upstanding National Enquirer tabloid because they “wouldn’t make her sound like trash.” Then directly after her testimony, she was kind enough to sit down for a national interview with judgmental mainstream media member Vinnie Politan.

6.  Baez and Mason were too distracted one morning by the annoying, intrusive media in front of the courthouse to use the private “lawyer’s entrance” in back, and came strolling into court about thirty minutes late to argue a critical motion. 

7. An unhappy TGIF waiter flipped off Ashton in open court.  It is unclear if the issue was prompted by Ashton failing to tip him at lunch.   

8.  The Snarling Beast did not take the stand to lie on her own behalf, and get shredded by the State on cross-exam. Buzzkill. 

9. Jose is the gift that keeps on giving for the State. He boldly established the Anthony family tradition of burying deceased pets in blanket lined trash bags sealed with duct tape.  Those people sure had a LOT of dead pets.  Side eye at the known killer in the family. 

10. Nancy Grace officially announced she would commit perjury for her children, putting herself in the same class as ENABLER Sindy Anthony. Geez, she really wants that interview…..

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15 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by donchais on July 1, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    OMG! SNORT!

  2. Posted by Erin on July 1, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    Love those *jazzhands*…I was waiting on Stoner Sally to hand motion her way to the floor. The ‘Pet Sematary’ ending for the defense was the perfect way for Baez to end with a whimper. We shall see what he is able to throw together for closing with the shambles of his opening statement. He basically has the fact that Kronk is a smoker & the entire Anthony crime family lies to work with. I’m sure Jeff Ashton has sent him a mix tape of testimony of defense witnesses he eviscerated as a courtesy to let him know “Mr. Baez, do not go there” for everything else claimed in his opening statement.

    • Erin,

      I was honestly waiting for Sally’s big musical number to start. Baez should have hired a jazz band to play during her testimony. Let her tell it in song!!!

      I cannot wait to hear Joses closing. He has some ‘splainin to do. He’ll find a way to stall, and when he finally delivers it’ll go over like a lead balloon. Maybe he’ll go the theatrical route and read a series of case-inspired haikus in lieu of closing.

      • Posted by Erin on July 1, 2011 at 3:06 pm

        Case-inspired haikus – LMAO!!!

        Who knows where Jose will go with his closing…I’m sure Cindy’s journal has lots of ideas. I’m thinking that co-worker Debbie & the Gentiva guy are in line for some smearing Anthony-style.

  3. Eggy-I have quietly in the background been reading and laughing at your posts but this one is by far the BEST! You can’t make this stuff up!

  4. Posted by Sissy on July 1, 2011 at 4:32 pm

    LOL! Sure going to miss these when the trial is over. LMAO!

  5. Posted by doublesmom on July 1, 2011 at 6:36 pm

    Very funny as always Eggy!

    This whole trial made me feel like I fell through the rabbit hole.

    Unfortunately I won’t be home for closing statements so please, if you have a chance, update us with your humorous take on things. 🙂

  6. Posted by Shelly on July 1, 2011 at 7:17 pm

    I always read and enjoy your great posts. They really help me laugh when I get too upset about this whole mess !

    I was so glad to read your words about the crazy grief lady. I wondered if I was the only one who noticed her pattern of speech seemed as if she had enjoyed a few cocktails prior to testifying. Something was just not right there. Thanks for confirming my thoughts !!

  7. Posted by LindaNewYork on July 2, 2011 at 4:52 am

    Jazzhands! LOL! And i just said over at Niecy’s that Nasty Face Nancy Grace is kissing Cindy’s a$$ so she can get in Cindy’s good *graces* for a Bombshell interview. LOL!

    Eggy, you have me LOL again! Thanks!

  8. Posted by Danna on July 2, 2011 at 5:39 am

    oh jazzhands….she was a trip. Do you think she is in the throes of grief as well? lol… Apparently Jose doesnt get all his experts at old folks homes; he also goes and lures people away from their 12 step program.

  9. Posted by hoku casa on July 2, 2011 at 11:21 am

    Just discovered your blog a few weeks ago when someone referenced your writing on another site. Has to be some of the funniest stuff I’ve ever read. You should put these Casey Anthony writings in a book – brilliant!

  10. Posted by Lottacats on July 2, 2011 at 10:29 pm

    Just too funny……..LOL.

  11. Posted by spamalot on July 4, 2011 at 2:14 pm

    You nailed it once again. ROFLMAO Too Funny, but right on target.

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