The latest in the unruly whirling dervish that is the Casey Anthony trial:
1. Two greasy, cartoonesque private investigators set out on a bodyhunting adventure in Autumn of 2008, and were even bright enough to videotape the whole sordid mess. According to gritty documentary director Jim Hoover, Cindy Anthony ordered their tour through the swamp. But according to Weepy Lee, Cindy Anthony was the one who ordered the bobbleheaded duo to walk the woods. Even more confusing, Officer Yuri Melich testified that Cindy Anthony stated she ordered her bumbling minion P.I.s to investigate the woods in November.
However, according to Cindy Anthony on the stand, it wudn’t her.
Okey-dokey. That clears that up.
2. The defense went to great lengths to establish through Dr. Bock that Caylee’s remains were placed in the swamp just two weeks before they were found in December. Then they went to great lengths to establish through Roy Kronk that the remains were definitely there in August. Then they established they are officially braindead.
3. ***jazzhands*** Sally the Certified Traumatologist ****jazzhands****
A drunk Sally Jessy Rafael impersonator sashayed up to the witness stand and set the record straight about normal grieving behavior. Take notes for future reference. Dancin and partyin are clear signs of deep distress. Lyin and sluttin it up are obvious displays of mourning. In short, anything and everything Casey did in those 31 days was totally consistent with a grieving mother who knew her baby was rotting in a swamp, says Sensational Stoner Sally under her spotlight. It must be true, she’s an expert. Just ask her “peer review journals” at Barnes and Noble, or Parenting magazine.
4. The pouty Elvira impersonator at the defense table shed a lonely tear at Stoner Sally’s dramatic interpretation of her sad grievin ways, but glared frozen death rays at her broken father as he crumpled into a heap of despair testifying about his suicide attempt following Caylee’s death.
5. River Cruz/Krystal Holloway/ whatever stripper name she’s going by this week, testified that she sold her story to the upstanding National Enquirer tabloid because they “wouldn’t make her sound like trash.” Then directly after her testimony, she was kind enough to sit down for a national interview with judgmental mainstream media member Vinnie Politan.
6. Baez and Mason were too distracted one morning by the annoying, intrusive media in front of the courthouse to use the private “lawyer’s entrance” in back, and came strolling into court about thirty minutes late to argue a critical motion.
7. An unhappy TGIF waiter flipped off Ashton in open court. It is unclear if the issue was prompted by Ashton failing to tip him at lunch.
8. The Snarling Beast did not take the stand to lie on her own behalf, and get shredded by the State on cross-exam. Buzzkill.
9. Jose is the gift that keeps on giving for the State. He boldly established the Anthony family tradition of burying deceased pets in blanket lined trash bags sealed with duct tape. Those people sure had a LOT of dead pets. Side eye at the known killer in the family.
10. Nancy Grace officially announced she would commit perjury for her children, putting herself in the same class as ENABLER Sindy Anthony. Geez, she really wants that interview…..