Dispatches From Planet Anthony

-Portal to Insanity

1. Sources say Jose took one bong hit too many before work. His neurons threw up all over themselves trying to build cohesive sentences, leaving him sputtering choppy ummms and uhhhs while generally butchering the English language and stepping all over his tongue. 

2. Baez Quote of the Day:
Tough call with the plethora of linguistic gems Jose dropped, but for me its a tie between “The truth stops here,” and “Who cut the cheese.”

3. After spending the whole trial denying Caylee’s remains were ever in the trunk, and attacking the State’s “junk science” experts that proved otherwise, Jose The Hemorrhoid On The A$$ Of  Humanity kerfumbled ‘n bumbled an admission the body was, in fact, in the trunk. 

4. According to the defense, George used duct tape once. And since he’s not willing to face jail time and  anti-pedophile fever all so Casey can get away with murdering his grandchild, he’s a d*ck of a father. So he must’ve done it. Reasonable doubt. Dig it. 

5.  Jeff Ashton couldn’t hold it in anymore and finally disintegrated into the giggles. 

6. Daffy coot Cheney Mason rambled incoherently for a spell.  Most spectators could only make out something about finding his father lighting candles, and Atticus Finch asking him what he should do. Oh, and it would be unAmerican to convict this lying slut. So be a patriot. Go America!

7. Linda Drane Burdick has a remarkable poker face. 

8. After placing a gold tinsel halo atop his greasy head, Jose informed the jury that everybody but him jumped into this high-profile case for money and publicity. Thunder rumbled from the heavens above the courthouse. 

9.  The Snarling Beast at the defense table put on her best Angelina Jolie Pout for the jury. All it did was draw attention to her strange chimpanzee mouth. 

10.  Jose referred to his client as a “lying slut,” not one, not two, but three whole times. It is unclear if he will use this character assessment while pleading for Casey’s life when the jury comes back with a Murder One conviction. 

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12 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Adriana on July 4, 2011 at 9:05 pm

    LOL, priceless! specially point 10 ahaha. I was literally laughing when he called her slut.

  2. Posted by Erin on July 5, 2011 at 4:14 am

    It was a a true Nancy Grace “Bombshell” when Josie Byass call his client a slut not once, not twice, but three times. He didn’t have to concede that in closing – we already knew – but he really hammered that one home to the jury.

    Yes, it was a classic Baez Dick Move moment calling George Anthony for not following his lying, liar of a wife and perjuring himself and taking on the blame.

    I’m surprised that Ashton actually restrained himself from literally rolling on the floor laughing his ass off, but it was a scary moment thinking there was the possibility of a mistrial.

    Linda Drane Burdick is my hero. What I wouldn’t give to have her internal monologue scrolling on the news ticker during Baez’s schizophrenic, Geraldo had better be getting me a guest spot on Fox, hysterical closing.

    Mason’s first hand knowledge of the signing of the Constitution & film review of To Kill a Mockingbird might as well have been verbal Ambien. This trial must have taught the jurors how to sleep with their eyes open.

    If this bitch isn’t convicted, George might want to apply for the witness relocation plan because Casey’s got some scores to settle.

    As long as there isn’t a juror that hasn’t been sipping Casey Kool-aid for 3 years, Casey should probably go ahead and pack up her cell and start scouting prison guards to impregnate her to keep her in the news.

    Love your blog!!!

  3. Posted by BEES KNEES on July 5, 2011 at 5:05 am

    LOL! He was a mess! At one point I was almost certain he was going to weep. I prayed for it to happen but God took pity on him I guess. I am thrilled at the prospect of never having to hear his whiny bitch voice ever again. Unless they let him whine something when the jury comes back. Thanks for the good laughs, Eggy! This case would not have be the same without your twisted wit. I know you’ve lowered my blood pressure many, many times over the past couple of years! ((((HUGS))))) “Jose = The Hemorrhoid On The A$$ Of Humanity” . . . . lol . . . .

  4. Posted by Redrelaxed on July 5, 2011 at 9:31 am

    Eggy, don’t know what I would have done without you during this trial! I just read your last two posts to my Dad (who has become addicted to this Baezadiatribe too) and we both remarked, that although you’re one funny gal, the truth rings loud and clear in your assessments. (Through tears of laughter running down both our faces)

    Linda Drane Burdick deserves the Universal Power of the Poker Face Award! Poor Jeff Ashton, he wears his heart on his sleeve and IMO I honestly don’t think he could help himself. Spontaneous Eruption! We’ve had to stomach Baez’s smirks and courtroom antics but he’s such a cry baby. He can dish it out, but he obviously can’t take it. Reminds of a school yard bully who finally gets his ass kicked. Oh~ Wah!

    • I almost fell off my chair when his voice went up 15 octaves and he pointed to Ashton and called him “that laughing guy”. What a tool Bozo is.

  5. Posted by Kay on July 5, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    Subversion of justice by G & C & Lee Anthony, & a total miscarriage of justice in the verdict rendered by some yahoos from Pinellas Co., who were so cowardly they couldn’t show their faces to the gen public thru a presser after their preposterous, *magical thinking* deliberation. Don’t tell me there weren’t stealth jurors in that group. jmho

    • Posted by Erin on July 5, 2011 at 6:24 pm

      Sounds like it was a stealth jury. I cannot believe that they rendered a verdict with none of the actual evidence factored in their decision. If they are willing to let a baby killer walk, they should have the balls to explain themselves. Speaking of explaining, Casey Anthony needs to do some serious explaining for letting everyone search for her child since she has admitted through her sleaze bag attorney she already knew she was dead. We knew this, of course, but they hadn’t admitted it. TES & all of the volunteers need an explanation too.

  6. Posted by Danna on July 6, 2011 at 3:09 am

    I think this jury was bought. Just consider the video of Jose doing his gun routine in the hall. Why would he be so confident at that point? Something stinks worse than Casey’s trunk. I am mad as hell. Shame on them all.

  7. Posted by doublesmom on July 6, 2011 at 6:42 am

    Thanks Eggy – love the summation!

    Still reeling from the verdict here – geez, what’s that all about???????

  8. Posted by Kay on July 6, 2011 at 4:32 pm

    I heard on HLN that TES is going to sue the felon in civil court to recover the funds he spent on a snipe hunt in Orlando in August 2008. I hope so. Tim Miller is asking the public to comment on this action – sweet of him to consider the public in his decision, I think. I will tweet him to “go for it” – & to serve her the subpoena ASAP, before she splits for Houston TX to live with that “distant relative” (someone willing to sleep with 1 eye open, keep their bank account offline & in a safety deposit box so slunt won’t have access & drain them like another Cindy or bff-Amy). I guess Cindy & George have found love again, & put their marriage before the destructive narcissistic sociopath that caused havoc in their lives for 22 years. jmho though.

  9. Posted by Lisa in Joisey on July 8, 2011 at 1:08 pm

    I am a regular reader and a never-poster. I truly enjoy your wit and common sense. I am guessing by your lack of response to the verdict you are still reeling as all of us “normal, intelligent” folk are. Thank you for all you do.

  10. Let’s not forget, most if not all of the jurors were still going to receive a full paycheck from their jobs as part of their employee benefits. After the ridiculous comments from juror #3, I have no doubt in my mind that most of these people figured “What the Hey”, spend a few hrs. listening to testimony with free hotel, food and entertainment(compliments of Judge perry), still receive my weekly pay check, beats the hell out of going to work everyday. After a month of long drawn out testimony, I believe they have had enough and decided to vote not guilty.

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