-Hell on Earth
1. Word of the week:
2. How many Floridians does it take to comprehend “reasonable” doubt? Apparently about as many as it takes to figure out how to fill out a voting ballot (see 2000 election recall). Twelve lobotomized fools from Pinellas County with the collective attention span of a dustmite took a whopping ten hours of their time to ponder the avalanche of evidence against Casey Anthony before aquitting her of babykilling. I’ve seen people take more time debating what brand of dental floss to buy. While it’s unclear exactly what these village idiots were doing during deliberations, we can definitely rule out glancing at their doodle-filled notebooks, asking to look at evidence, and seeking clarifications of any kind.
3. Rather than “contribute to the media circus” with a standard post-verdict press conference, jurors opted to split town immediately after their controversial decision, one of them even holding out for a 5-figure payout. But others were gracious enough to give private interviews. “We were sick to our stomachs over the verdict,” said deeply distressed juror #3, after an all-expenses paid trip to Disney World, courtesy of ABC. “None of us think she’s innocent,” she despaired, as Mickey Mouse played the world’s saddest violin behind her.
4. The ever-classy defense team thoughtfully acknowledged “there is no real victory here,” just before sprinting to the nearest bar to celebrate Casey-style with champagne, in full view of the media. Dotty Simms jumped up and down like a giddy school girl in dire need of a toilet, while Cheney Mason gave the press the middle finger. It is unknown if Jose Baez competed in a Hot Body contest in Casey’s honor.
5. The public quickly vomited their rage all over any agency offering to line the homicidal harlot’s hotpants with more blood money. Her dreams of cashing in on infamy were completely dashed when she was rejected by BOTH her top choices: the porn industry and Jerry Springer. WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS THIS WASTE OF FLESH QUALIFIED FOR?
6. Some brainiac on the defense team thought it would be a great idea to send the most hated woman in America to live with long lost relatives in Texas, a state where everyone and their uncle carries a loaded gun. Legally. Awesome.
7. Upon realizing the bitter truth that baby killing sluts aren’t too marketable these days, and that an angry mob bearing pitchforks and torches will likely follow her wherever she goes, her lawyers announced she will spend time in a mental health facility “to grieve the death of her daughter.” We all know what that means: Hawaiian Spa Vacation, with an endless stream of Mai-Tais. As tipsy grief expert Sally Karioth testified, it ain’t mourning unless there’s booze and a string bikini somewhere in the mix.
8. Cheney Mason took to the airwaves to bully the talking head lawyers critical of his client, and his court performance. The pompous windbag failed to mention he himself was among the critical talking heads before he hopped on the money train. Ass.
9. Mama Gremlin Cindy might just get arrested for perjury over that whole chloroform/chlorophyll Google search fiasco. She might spend 15 years in jail for a b*tch who wouldnt even look at her in court. But the real question is, what effect will it have on her book sales?
10. The odious creature will be deposed by Morgan and Morgan on Joo-lie 16 for the Zenaida Gonzalez civil suit. Tim Miller and Jesse Grund are also in line to sue this b*tch, but they’re all gonna have to wait, cuz she has wet T-shirt contests to compete in! Shes gotta make money somehow, and she’s clearly not into the whole “work” thing.