Silver Linings Everywhere

-Hell on Earth

1. Note to self: NEVER get murdered in Florida. 

2. Our Soon-to-be-Unshackled Damsel of Doritos faces quite the conundrum.  As it turns out, Joe Public is not exactly cool with the whole “unleashing a babykilling sociopath” thing, and has launched a rocketful of death threats in her direction, and now the homicidal harlot is forced to consider plastic surgery for her own safety. She reportedly dismissed the notion immediately. Not My Pretty Pony! No ugly surgeon’s scalpel of jealousy will touch the most beautiful horse face that has ever been. Nay, public disguises are the only option. But even then, the world will be denied the ocular blessing of a pint-size “perfect 10” equine with the eyes of the devil. Problems, problems. Join me in a round of “Nobody Knows the Troubles I’ve Seen,” on her behalf.  

3. If you ever have to perjure yourself, just do it in a Florida courtroom during a capital murder case. Preferably when the prosecution is trying to establish premeditation on a first degree murder charge. They’re totally cool with it there. Just say you’re doing it out of grief, like any good mother would. Nancy Grace might even treat you to a spa day for it. 

4. Apparently Zenaida also taught Stringbean Simms how to use a hair straightener. 

5. John Morgan fears that upon her release, the trollop will make a James Bond getaway in a penis-shaped racecar, and forever play hooky from her deposition for the Zenaida Gonzales civil suit.  So he filed an emergency motion to compel, which basically means, “Judge, tell this b*tch to show up.” And since Casey has a history of respecting rules and authority figures, we can rest assured she’ll be there. 

6. Tim Miller of Texas Equsearch also took a place in line to sue The Creature. He wasted $112,000 searching for a baby Casey now admittedly knew was dead. He turned away 15 other families with real missing children to help the Scamthonys. Go ahead, defend them. 

7. Never one to fade away into the land of obscure blood-sucking media has-beens, Leonard “YEE-HA” Padilla also had to jump on the civil suit bandwagon.  

8. Donna MacLean of Massechussets told Nancy Grace (and other media jackals with checkbooks) that her deceased son MUST be Caylee’s father, because he was in the southeast quadrant of the country around the time Caylee was conceived. Oh, and she just remembered this week that he told her once he had a secret love child in Orlando with a girl named Casey Anthony. For seriously. And why waste time on a boring DNA test before running to the media with this hot bombshell? 

9. If you are ever faced with death threats for helping a killer go free and living off a tragedy, be sure to drive your new, incognito, bright red Jeep (courtesy your murdered granddollar) all over town. I hear Home Depot is a great hideout. And don’t be afraid to get feisty with the annoying, intrusive media you’ve been coveting the last three years. Driving away with no comment is for people in fear for their lives. 

10. Officers are currently wading knee-deep in Laura Buchanan’s mistruths, half truths, and possible document forgings, trying to suss out any witness tampering issues. Good luck with that mess. 

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27 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by donchais on July 15, 2011 at 10:26 am

    Note to self…set drink down before reading here!

    Brava!

  2. Egg!! My friend! Another beautiful rant!
    Maybe people won’t touch her if she just wears a lot of backless tops to show off her scabies or backne yuck on her back.
    Agh, let’s just give her back the Pontiac with a day time driver’s license. Let her drive herself to hell.

  3. Another genius post!

  4. Aw, C’mon, stop comparing her to a horse. My horse is the sweetest, kindest animal. Not to mention, horses do not kill their young. Think about that, animals have more of a maternal and protective instinct then this toxic waste of oxygen.

    • Posted by Eggtreenews on July 15, 2011 at 8:27 pm

      🙂 Disclaimer: no offense to actual horses. Eggo loves all animals. Some of my best friends are horses…. 🙂

  5. Lenny Padilla is a happy fellow He is sueing the Anthillmob an Jose Baez Roy the boy Kronk is sueing him so happy days he has a daisy chain of law suits.

  6. Posted by Deelytful1 on July 16, 2011 at 6:52 am

    Great piece!
    What a freak show these people are. No wonder all the carnies live down here! They need to test the Florida water for chemicals that make one crazy. This whole case and its fallout is a circus.

  7. Posted by cbswan on July 16, 2011 at 7:36 am

    absolutely love your outline of the continueingcircus.. notice ole chinny mason is now acting leared of the lie team.. marble mouth and all lol

  8. Posted by 38special on July 16, 2011 at 8:51 am

    Hey Eggy, glad you were able to scratch some funny out of this. Thanks, I needed it.
    Baez the reinvented Crazey promoter will have to straddle the tightrope now that his star attraction will be free.
    On one hand he has to teach her to act sane long enough for interviews and on the other he has to keep enough distance to keep sane himself.
    He’ll have to assign William Thwarted to field hourly phone calls from assylum matriarch, Cindy.
    In order to help Crazey make the transition he’ll need to buy a vending machine filled with Spicy nuts and Porkrinds and Ho-Hos.

    He’s created a super monster who will never be content with swiping gas cans and stealing burritos out of the freezer again. She’s a pretend lawyer now, she’ll want to be by his side at all times. She’s a celebrity now (he said so), she’ll want the full star treatment. Way to go Bozo, have fun with your very own pet psychopath.

  9. Posted by Gina B. on July 16, 2011 at 9:07 am

    WOW! I stumbled upon your article doing a search for Donna MacLean – I hope she DOES file a civil suit – and I am dying over here! This is hysterical! I love Lynn2’s comments about horses in reference to CA and the horse thing … LOLOLOL … you guys are a hoot! You must admit though, she does have handlers now. Yeah, once Baez gets as many runs out of her as he can … LOL … using Doritos and Ho-Ho’s – again, you’re killing me with imagery! Dangling them in front of her, as he makes her sign a 90-10 contract agreement! LOL … this made my day! It’s actually my birthday! So this is a great way to start it!

  10. Posted by doublesmom on July 16, 2011 at 12:18 pm

    Thanks for the laugh Eggy!

    One thing that came out of this debacle for me personally was the decision NOT to move to Florida, so I guess I didn’t totally waste my life watching the trial, lol…

    Now civil suits. This really is the case that keeps on giving!

    Looking forward to your next update… 🙂

  11. Posted by Sammy on July 16, 2011 at 6:17 pm

    Thanks for the laughs eggy. Remember the Scam Anthony’s originated in Ohio so FL can’t carry all the weight on our backs for this one. As far as the death threats, I feel they are just like the Caylee alive sightings with Cindy and crew making the calls. The cost that these people have caused to our state is appalling and I for one wouldn’t mind my tax dollars going after the perjury charges. But I do believe in Karma so this too shall pass. I hope everyone ignores the creature. Only in Florida could a high school drop out lawyer who is representing a high school drop out client who was found innocent by a jury that contained high school drop outs in a Capital Murder case. The way this group uses logic we will soon see a PSA geared towards our youth, who needs an education as long as you can lie, cheat, steal and lack a moral compass where the word ethics is for someone else to worry about. In the youth oriented hip hop mentality this is validation that hard work is for suckers. Keep up the great work.

  12. Posted by Tammy Connelly on July 16, 2011 at 8:46 pm

    Thank for making me chuckle! This verdict has been so hard to swallow – nice to see the lighter side!

  13. Very amusing and enjoyable read as are all your posts, not to mention…spot on! .

  14. I’ve added you to my blog roll.

  15. Posted by Erin on July 17, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    The Creature – so true!! Loved the Zenaida showing Sims how to straighten her hair – LOL. Needed some laughs after the creature has been unleased.

  16. Posted by Kay on July 22, 2011 at 10:08 am

    http://t.co/6zDnZZQ pics/vid shot Fri @ Orlando Executive Airport- George & Cindy scamAnthony with a small travel group arriving by limo to fly on private chartered jet.
    unknown who paid, & whose travelling with them.
    casinos & offshore accts await.

  17. Posted by stalking feet on July 23, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    Careful Carol throwing around those sharp and dull knives. (I’m sure Jose would consider that a threat to his million dollar baby) To be on the safe side I have a new black & decker sander I can loan you for removal of those pesky tats. LMAO

  18. Great post, thanks. 🙂 -Jane

  19. Posted by Justme66 on October 20, 2011 at 8:08 am

    EGGY, OH EGGY!!! Where art thou OH EGGY?? Get yourself back to writing. I MISS YOUR FUNNIES and I know others do too. I hope everything is well with you. Give us a yell and let us know you’re okay!!

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