-Hell on Earth
1. Note to self: NEVER get murdered in Florida.
2. Our Soon-to-be-Unshackled Damsel of Doritos faces quite the conundrum. As it turns out, Joe Public is not exactly cool with the whole “unleashing a babykilling sociopath” thing, and has launched a rocketful of death threats in her direction, and now the homicidal harlot is forced to consider plastic surgery for her own safety. She reportedly dismissed the notion immediately. Not My Pretty Pony! No ugly surgeon’s scalpel of jealousy will touch the most beautiful horse face that has ever been. Nay, public disguises are the only option. But even then, the world will be denied the ocular blessing of a pint-size “perfect 10” equine with the eyes of the devil. Problems, problems. Join me in a round of “Nobody Knows the Troubles I’ve Seen,” on her behalf.
3. If you ever have to perjure yourself, just do it in a Florida courtroom during a capital murder case. Preferably when the prosecution is trying to establish premeditation on a first degree murder charge. They’re totally cool with it there. Just say you’re doing it out of grief, like any good mother would. Nancy Grace might even treat you to a spa day for it.
4. Apparently Zenaida also taught Stringbean Simms how to use a hair straightener.
5. John Morgan fears that upon her release, the trollop will make a James Bond getaway in a penis-shaped racecar, and forever play hooky from her deposition for the Zenaida Gonzales civil suit. So he filed an emergency motion to compel, which basically means, “Judge, tell this b*tch to show up.” And since Casey has a history of respecting rules and authority figures, we can rest assured she’ll be there.
6. Tim Miller of Texas Equsearch also took a place in line to sue The Creature. He wasted $112,000 searching for a baby Casey now admittedly knew was dead. He turned away 15 other families with real missing children to help the Scamthonys. Go ahead, defend them.
7. Never one to fade away into the land of obscure blood-sucking media has-beens, Leonard “YEE-HA” Padilla also had to jump on the civil suit bandwagon.
8. Donna MacLean of Massechussets told Nancy Grace (and other media jackals with checkbooks) that her deceased son MUST be Caylee’s father, because he was in the southeast quadrant of the country around the time Caylee was conceived. Oh, and she just remembered this week that he told her once he had a secret love child in Orlando with a girl named Casey Anthony. For seriously. And why waste time on a boring DNA test before running to the media with this hot bombshell?
9. If you are ever faced with death threats for helping a killer go free and living off a tragedy, be sure to drive your new, incognito, bright red Jeep (courtesy your murdered granddollar) all over town. I hear Home Depot is a great hideout. And don’t be afraid to get feisty with the annoying, intrusive media you’ve been coveting the last three years. Driving away with no comment is for people in fear for their lives.
10. Officers are currently wading knee-deep in Laura Buchanan’s mistruths, half truths, and possible document forgings, trying to suss out any witness tampering issues. Good luck with that mess.