Marky Mark’s Cranium to be Surgically Removed from Anus

-Planet Wahlberg

Marky Mark’s head crawled even further up his anus last week when snippets from his recent interview with Men’s Journal hit the web. With unabashed action star arrogance, Marky urped this gem of sensitivity all over the victims of 9/11:

“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did,” Wahlberg said. “There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”

It is unclear if the passengers in coach would be left to fend for themselves. 

What a marvel of delusion. 

I just. Can’t. 

Following the understandable wave of outraged WTF’s that proceeded to roll through blogland, Donny’s d-bag kid brother called his publicist for help removing his head from his rectum. His paid mouthpiece released this excuse for an apology to all those wimplings he offended: 

“To speculate about such a situation is ridiculous to begin with, and to suggest I would have done anything differently than the passengers on that plane was irresponsible. I deeply apologize to the families of the victims that my answer came off as insensitive, it was certainly not my intention.”

It is not known if his publicist is part of the Funky Bunch. 

With his head now stuffed further up his colon, he took the apology tour on the road while simultaneously promoting his new movie, Contraband. How’s that for multi-tasking? 

“It wasn’t like all of a sudden I just decided that I was going to get on this soapbox and start talking about my opinion about 9/11, you know?” 

Really? Because you totally did. 

The Wahlberg empire has scheduled for Marky’s cranium to be surgically removed from his anus early next week. If the surgery is unsuccessful and Marky’s film career dies, he plans to fall back on his legendary rapping career. If all else fails, he can return to modeling Calvin Klein underwear. Hes multi-talented. 

%d bloggers like this: