Ginger Hemmorhoid on Humanity’s Anus Due in Court Monday March 18th

-Hollywood Bowl of Fruit Loops, CA

Forgettable child star turned international menace Lindsay Lohan is due to appear in a California courtroom Monday, to answer to charges of (clutch your pearls) LYING TO POLICE regarding her gajillionth car accident last summer. This is a convoluted clusterfrak of a case, as is anything involving Typhoid Lindsay. Lets see if we can keep up:

The delusional drunkard and/or meth head was already on probation for a sticky fingered jewel caper at the time of the crash. The judge in that case had ordered the fleshbag infused with vodka and opiates NOT to get behind the wheel of a car for the duration of her probation. But this is a Typhoid Lindsay story, so we know what happens next.

Responsible professional that she is, she overslept for work on the highly acclaimed Lifetime TV movie Liz and Dick. Since both a court order and a network insurance policy prohibited the freckled nuisance from operating a motor vehicle, producers arrived at the princess’ chateau several hours after her call time to whisk her to work in their corporate chariot. After rousing her from a mild heroin coma and wiping the dried puke off her chin, she scoffed at the glorified rickshaw offered to her, and threw a great big noisy fuss, insisting she would drive herself in a vehicle more suited to her pedigree of stardom.   In brilliant life decision #838475858839292848829, she decided to hop in the driver’s seat of a rented Porsche instead.  And proceeded to gun it right into the back end of a semi-truck on a California Highway. 

Multiple witnesses, including her own passenger, reported seeing a washed up truckstop hooker matching Lohan’s description behind the wheel of the Porsche. But that’s all a conspiracy of lies, according to The Blowhan, her Twinsies mom, and her new hobbit attorney-at-law, Mark Heller. Who, by the way, was branded incompetent last week by the presiding judge. Every so called “witness” is merely out to capitalize on her ****FAME****

If she’s found guilty of lying to the cops, she could face actual consequences for the first time in her life. But look at me, livin in a dream world… We all know she’ll probably walk away from this with a new complimentary pair of Louboutins, an apology from the court and some free Starbucks instead. 

Hollywood justice!


4 responses to this post.

  1. The court system gives LiLo sooo many passes that she thinks it’s normal to lie her way out of any charges. She really does need to do some serious jail time and get clean – rehab is a joke for her. It is only a matter of time before she ends up killing someone (or herself) while driving under the influence!

    The drugs are taking a toll on her looks – wonder how much longer she will be viable to Hollywood?

    • Shes never been held accountable for her actions, ever. The CA justice system is such a joke. Shes got the War and Peace of rap sheets, and zero consequences. Sadly, i think its just a matter of time till she manages to kill herself. I just hope she doesnt take anybody else out with her. Except maybe her mother. That way we could avoid Dina’s tell-all book upon Lindsays “untimely demise.”

  2. This article makes me want to scream …

    Even if she ends up getting 60 days they would probably release her due to jail overcrowding! Makes me wonder if CA has any judges who would be willing to give her a long enough sentence that might save her worthless life – where is Judge Judy when we need her?

    Tee Hee about Dina’s book :mrgreen:

    • This crackhead…

      She hopped off her commercial flight last night screeching about a gas leak like a paranoid coked out moron, and begged one of her rich Middle Eastern “benefactors” for a ride on his private jet. It only cost $50K, which is nothin for a bottom feeding drug addict who is already millions in debt. Wonder what **ahem** “services” she’ll have to provide to work that off?

      So she waltzes in 48 minutes late with blazing red demon eyes..the judge couldve issued an immediate bench warrant for her arrest just for tardiness, but i guess the rules dont apply to washed up Disney princesses who have been hit by a crackrock the size of a train. what a mess…

      The old overcrowding excuse is so tired. Shes a repeat offender, on the verge of killing herself or someone else. She needs to be locked down. The California justice system is beyond ridiculous.

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