-Hollywood Bowl of Fruit Loops, CA
Forgettable child star turned international menace Lindsay Lohan is due to appear in a California courtroom Monday, to answer to charges of (clutch your pearls) LYING TO POLICE regarding her gajillionth car accident last summer. This is a convoluted clusterfrak of a case, as is anything involving Typhoid Lindsay. Lets see if we can keep up:
The delusional drunkard and/or meth head was already on probation for a sticky fingered jewel caper at the time of the crash. The judge in that case had ordered the fleshbag infused with vodka and opiates NOT to get behind the wheel of a car for the duration of her probation. But this is a Typhoid Lindsay story, so we know what happens next.
Responsible professional that she is, she overslept for work on the highly acclaimed Lifetime TV movie Liz and Dick. Since both a court order and a network insurance policy prohibited the freckled nuisance from operating a motor vehicle, producers arrived at the princess’ chateau several hours after her call time to whisk her to work in their corporate chariot. After rousing her from a mild heroin coma and wiping the dried puke off her chin, she scoffed at the glorified rickshaw offered to her, and threw a great big noisy fuss, insisting she would drive herself in a vehicle more suited to her pedigree of stardom. In brilliant life decision #838475858839292848829, she decided to hop in the driver’s seat of a rented Porsche instead. And proceeded to gun it right into the back end of a semi-truck on a California Highway.
Multiple witnesses, including her own passenger, reported seeing a washed up truckstop hooker matching Lohan’s description behind the wheel of the Porsche. But that’s all a conspiracy of lies, according to The Blowhan, her Twinsies mom, and her new hobbit attorney-at-law, Mark Heller. Who, by the way, was branded incompetent last week by the presiding judge. Every so called “witness” is merely out to capitalize on her ****FAME****
If she’s found guilty of lying to the cops, she could face actual consequences for the first time in her life. But look at me, livin in a dream world… We all know she’ll probably walk away from this with a new complimentary pair of Louboutins, an apology from the court and some free Starbucks instead.