Looking like a haggard ghost on her way to haunt a disco, elegant flower Lindsay Lohan rolled into a California courtroom this morning for another episode of her never ending legal drama. Among the cracked out highlights:
1. Late Sunday night, the paranoid cokehead ditched her commercial flight from New York to L.A., screeching about an alleged gas leak and/or gremlin on the airplane. Rather than just book another flight with the poors to make it to her own trial on time, she spent the next few hours begging all of her rich johns to fetch her a private jet. Because its much easier to do drugs when you have some privacy. A few sloppy handjobs later, the owner of Mr. Pink Energy Drink & Escort Services shelled out $50,000 for her cross country caper.
2. Leaving herself a whopping 20 minutes to get from the airport to the courthouse during rush hour traffic, she rolled in almost an hour late. But she needed that time to get primped for her only red carpet appearance in years. She hastily threw on her wrinkled white virgin costume and diamond rosary- both of which will probably be reported stolen tomorrow from a Studio 54 museum- and emerged from her chariot in a cloud of meth smoke and gold glitter to greet her adoring public.
3. Once inside the courthouse, her hobbit attorney and the prosecutor disappeared into the judge’s chambers to conduct a miraculous eleventh hour plea deal. Which is fascinating, considering she has adamantly refused ANY deal that includes rehab or jail time. Because its hard to chug 2 liters of vodka a day AND keep up your drug habit in either of thise settings. Meanwhile, Our Blessed Crackhead was escorted by six guards to the restroom, where she likely excreted the drugs she mules for Charlie Sheen.
4. Her delightfully comical hobbit lawyer waved his magic wand and struck a new and improved deal for the greasy haired zombified mess. And it’s like nothing they’ve ever tried before: 90 days of lockdown rehab, 30 days of community service, and 18 months of therapy. No driving. Drug testing anytime, anywhere.
And that sounds totally reasonable, because rehab worked like a charm the first 5 times she went. And therapy is proven most effective on people who deny they have any problems to begin with. And she’s always shown up for community service, and taken it very seriously. Especially that one time at the battered women’s shelter. And then again at the morgue. And it’s not like she would EVER ignore the court and get behind the wheel while intoxicated and clip a baby stroller or crash a Porsche into a semi-truck.
Only in California… This girl could walk into court with a meth pipe, get stabby with the guards, and hump the prosecutor’s leg, and still skate….