Wash, Rinse, Repeat: Typhoid Lindsay Gets Another Deal

-Ridongculousville, CA

Looking like a haggard ghost on her way to haunt a disco, elegant flower Lindsay Lohan rolled into a California courtroom this morning for another episode of her never ending legal drama. Among the cracked out highlights:

1. Late Sunday night, the paranoid cokehead ditched her commercial flight from New York to L.A., screeching about an alleged gas leak and/or gremlin on the airplane. Rather than just book another flight with the poors to make it to her own trial on time, she spent the next few hours begging all of her rich johns to fetch her a private jet. Because its much easier to do drugs when you have some privacy. A few sloppy handjobs later, the owner of Mr. Pink Energy Drink & Escort Services shelled out $50,000 for her cross country caper. 

2. Leaving herself a whopping 20 minutes to get from the airport to the courthouse during rush hour traffic, she rolled in almost an hour late. But she needed that time to get primped for her only red carpet appearance in years.  She hastily threw on her wrinkled white virgin costume and diamond rosary- both of which will probably be reported stolen tomorrow from a Studio 54 museum- and emerged from her chariot in a cloud of meth smoke and gold glitter to greet her adoring public. 

3. Once inside the courthouse, her hobbit attorney and the prosecutor disappeared into the judge’s chambers to conduct a miraculous eleventh hour plea deal. Which is fascinating, considering she has adamantly refused ANY deal that includes rehab or jail time. Because its hard to chug 2 liters of vodka a day AND keep up your drug habit in either of thise settings. Meanwhile, Our Blessed Crackhead was escorted by six guards to the restroom, where she likely excreted the drugs she mules for Charlie Sheen. 

4. Her delightfully comical hobbit lawyer waved his magic wand and struck a new and improved deal for the greasy haired zombified mess.  And it’s like nothing they’ve ever tried before: 90 days of lockdown rehab, 30 days of community service, and 18 months of therapy. No driving. Drug testing anytime, anywhere. 

And that sounds totally reasonable, because rehab worked like a charm the first 5 times she went. And therapy is proven most effective on people who deny they have any problems to begin with. And she’s always shown up for community service, and taken it very seriously.  Especially that one time at the battered women’s shelter. And then again at the morgue. And it’s not like she would EVER ignore the court and get behind the wheel while intoxicated and clip a baby stroller or crash a Porsche into a semi-truck. 

Only in California… This girl could walk into court with a meth pipe, get stabby with the guards, and hump the prosecutor’s leg, and still skate….

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20 responses to this post.

  1. UGH!!! I just lost faith in the justice system again. I see she is allowed to serve the rehab time in NYC where I suspect ‘someone’ will smuggle her booze and drugs – then she will be released for good behaviour – what a joke!

    It seems that her sleazy lawyer may be in trouble …

    http://www.tmz.com/2013/03/18/lindsay-lohan-lawyer-mark-heller-investigation-witness-tampering-gavin-doyle/

    • Im sure Dina will smuggle some booze, and another bag of “sea jasper” into the rehab facility. Or she’ll find some creative loophole to the lockdown policythat will get her out on a daypass for “work.” Even if she did dry out, 90 days is not gonna cure an addict of her caliber, especially when shes still allowed prescription drugs. Adderall, dilaudid, and a handful of other powerful pills will still be going into her system. Who gets a dilaudid prescription for “tooth pain,” for years on end?

      I read about her hobbit attorney’s press conference, where he said the plea is a testament to her sobriety. Who pleads no contest and opts for 90 days in rehab over 30 days house arrest with a SCRAM anklet when theyre sober? A hardcore addict who knows their team of enablers will smuggle in drugs for them.

      Her father is such a loathsome creature, but it was really comical watching him chase off the hobbit. Until he got on the mic and started talking.

  2. Cops found wine in a water bottle and smelled alcohol on her breath …

    http://www.tmz.com/2013/03/18/lindsay-lohan-alcohol-porsche-crash-rehab/

    In Australia they do an alcohol breath and/or blood test on every person involved in an accident – this leads to many convictions, hefty fines and the loss of drivers licences – someone should tell CA this is a good way to get money and get drunks off the road.

  3. Hi All. Question: What stinks, attracts real nasty stuff, is used over and over again and gets skinnier, is looked at in disgust, no one really wants to touch it, sucks up any vile liquid in volume and men are attracted to it?
    Answer: Lilo, the human urinal block. 😉

  4. I wish you would tell us what you really think about her Carol :mrgreen:

    Thanks for the piccy show Eggy – not sure who the bloke is in pics 16 & 28 but in 14 & 24 she looks totally ‘out of it’ whilst in pic 13 she has a double chin that in time will rival that of Bozo’s. Her outfit was more appropriate for a red carpet outing rather than court. It’s being reported that she doesn’t have to show up to rehab until May – that gives her plenty of time to rack up several more DUI’s – let’s hope she doesn’t kill or main someone else in the process.

    • That bloke is her delightfully incompetent hobbit attorney Mark Heller. He’s offering all his expertise for free. He carries a lucky rabbit’s foot on his Louis Vuitton briefcase, and talks just like the lawyer in my Cousin Vinny.

      That double chin is what happens when you chug 2 liters of vodka a day and live on pills and hardcore drugs for years on end. I cant imagine what her liver and kidneys must look like.

      It was reported she went to a nightclub the night after she plead no contest and was sentenced to 90 days of rehab. The press says she hid under a blanket in the back of a Mr Pink SUV so as not to be spotted. She denies it was her. Of course. Because so many other people have a reason to hide under blankets when theyre pulling into a nightclub parking lot.

      She’ll be in trouble again long before May 1. And brace yourself Jill, but I read she has some engagements in Oz between now and then. She might conveniently lose her passport, or come down with 24 hour cancer, and have to park it down under. Stay off the sidewalks!!

    • Here’s her latest “smugshot:” http://radaronline.com/exclusives/2013/03/lindsay-lohan-mug-shots-criminal-history/

      What is going on with her left eye?

      • Since this is a family blog, I won’t mention what got stuck in her eye from that plane/jet ride the day before.
        I think it’s just a hazard thing when you miss your mouth with the crack pipe and it hits your eye. Hey, chit happens.
        Her LIPS are what really scares me!! WTH?!! arghhhh!!!
        Is the total face blotchy thing cool nowadays? I guess I missed that memo.
        Now, I have to stick forks in my eyes after seeing those pics, thanks Egg. 😦

    • Her changing face: watch at your own risk. What is seen cannot be unseen.

  5. http://www.examiner.com/article/lindsay-lohan-s-plea-deal-endangered-over-lack-of-new-york-lockdown-facilities

    Oopsy daisy! No lockdown rehab facilities in NY? you mean the hobbit attorney LIED?! Inconceivable!

  6. Scary video shows what drugs/grog does to your looks – not to mention how they scramble your brain.

    Don’t want her in Australia! There is a write up in today’s paper stating she will be here on April 21st & 22nd and that she is being paid a six figure sum by the sponsors. Can I just stick a stamp on her and write across her face “Return to Sender.” :mrgreen:

    Can’t open the Examiner article but gather from your remark that nobody bothered to check the lock down rehab facilities in NY – what a farce!!!

  7. http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2013/03/20/lindsay-lohan-connection-to-mark-heller-explained-in-business-with-his-son/

    ‘S all in the family… I can only imagine what “services” she provides at these parties for novelty product launches like Mr. Pink, an energy drink only available in california and not intended to make any kind of profit. It must be nice to be a billionaire who can throw millions around on a whim just for an excuse to party with “celebrities.” i wonder what other front businesses shes connected to.

    Im fully expecting her to conveniently lose her passport on May 1, and refuse to return to the states. Or she’ll come up with some brand new illness preventing her from flying. Thats of course if she makes it that long….

  8. The link is workin ok on my end, but yes, apparently nobody bothered to confirm there are lockdown facilitites in NY. Ive read that theyre investigating Heller over that little misrepresentation. The deal might get revoked if they determine he purposely misled them. So she could theoretically end up in the slammer, but she’ll probably just go to a lockdown facility in LA. And the beat goes on.

  9. Someone got paid off:

    http://m.tmz.com/2013/03/22/lindsay-lohan-no-charges-nighclub-fight-new-york-city-gypsy/

    Somebody’s pulling all kinds of strings for her. She it’s creepy; these are people who could probably make her disappear if she becomes too much of a liability

  10. I have 16 cents for a bullet, will that help? I hate her.

  11. There are so many people who would appreciate just a teeny percentage of the help that loser LiLo gets – it’s just not fair. 😥

    She has no visable means of support 😉

    http://www.tmz.com/2013/03/22/lindsay-lohan-braless-shopping-rehab-photo/

  12. If we are to believe this article she is now disguising the vodka …

    http://www.tmz.com/2013/03/23/lindsay-lohan-drinking-rehab/

    Why oh why didn’t the wimpy judge order random alcohol tests between sentencing and rehab? We know she was given grace because of her impending trip to Australia (UGH) it seems as if the judge doesn’t care…grrr!!! LiLo should learn to lie low rather than parade herself at bars.

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