Heel, Juan! No Bark! Good Boy.

-Location Still Unknown (still alot of fog)

As spectators everywhere brace themselves for prosecutor Juan Martinez’s scathing cross examination of domestic abuse expert LaViolette, some fear his usual “demonically possessed pitbull spitting nails” approach might backfire and alienate some jurors. But we can all relax and rest easy. Because sources tell Egg Tree News that as a precautionary measure, Animal Planet’s renowned dog trainer Victoria Stilwel (of “It’s Me or the Dog)” has volunteered to coach Martinez and break him of his aggressive behavior before it’s too late. 

“Stilwel arrived in Arizona as soon as she heard that Juan would be questioning a domestic violence expert. She’s watched him snarl, growl, and bark at other witnesses throughout the trial, and while she respects and admires his passion, she fears the consequences of such behavior with this particular expert. And she knows she can fix those bad habits with a few simple training sessions, which may or may not involve muzzles and shock collars,” revealed the source. 

Juan’s obedience training began late this afternoon, with a few easy commands while on a short leash. Stilwel placed cardboard cutouts of LaViolette and other defense witnesses all over the yard, then tasered Martinez while screaming “Not Guilty Verdict!” whenever he instinctively lunged at the images while foaming at the mouth.

“This creates negative reinforcement of the behavior, and will make Juan less likely to attack when it comes time to cross examine,” explains the source. 

But while he’s making great headway NOT shooting out of a cannon right into the witness’ jugular, he still apparently has trouble obeying the “NO BARK” command. To deal with this challenging issue, Stilwel has employed a new and controversial training technique. “Whenever he goes into a barking fit, which especially happens in front of the Dr Samuels cutout (when he’s not busy peeing on it), Victoria tackles him to the ground, and whispers forcefully in his ear, ‘Jury Sympathizers!’ This seems to calm him down somewhat,” reveals the source. “And of course the belly rubs followed by Good Boy Treats really seems to help, too.”

Stilwel plans to sit at the prosecution table with all her training equipment, ready for anything, for the duration of Juan’s cross examination.  Which should begin approximately 3 months from now, after LaViolette finishes educating the courtroom on the entire history of domestic abuse involving everyone but Jodi Arias. 


10 responses to this post.

  1. Brilliant idea Eggy – If anyone could tone Juan down it would be Victoria – love her show.

    • I love her show too. I have no doubt Martinez is capable of turning LaViolette into a prosecution witness, he just needs to be VERY careful with how he goes about doing it. No barking at this one.

  2. Yeah, Egg, you’re back to your old fine form again!
    Yes, it should be interesting to see what happens when Juan gets his teeth warmed up and backs the old wilted violet into a corner.
    She’ll be all right though, she’s an old battle axe from way back. I’m sure we’ll see her true colors flying. They both want a piece of that bone.
    That reminds me to send JoDie a box of dog bisquits to munch on to ward off those migrains or maybe she should just take off those fake glasses! She should die.
    HI MAX!!! ~~~~waving~~~~

    • Im convinced the “migraine” was a stall tactic, as is the misconduct charge against Juan. For whatever reason, they dont want Martinez to start cross until next week. Or maybe Wilmott and Nurmi just need the extra time to decorate Easter eggs…

  3. Another winner !!! Thanks , I think she may have fallen for jodi , like Dr Samuels’ did.
    Hey Carol.hearts

    • It really bothers me that shes basing her entire testimony on the words of a pathological liar. Shes making a blanket statement diagnosis of Travis, who she never even met, and basically putting him on trial when he isnt here to defend himself. And all based on something that a liar fed her.

  4. I agree,, all of her testimony and dr samuel’s too, is based on what the proven pathological liar told them…. How utterly unprofessional..

  5. Posted by Tony on April 3, 2013 at 4:36 pm

    Is Miss Alyce Arias oops I mean Laviolet married? Pity the poor soul who crosses her

  6. Posted by Mollyc on April 15, 2013 at 8:48 pm

    So funny! I love your writing!

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