Dispatches From the Inferno

-10th Circle of Hell, Arizona

A slew of rapid-fire developments happened today in the never ending trial of cross-eyed librarian and butcher Jodi Arias. And all in a half day! 

1. Woe is Heavy D Nurmi… Pitbull prosecutor Juan Martinez gets greeted by squeeing fans outside the courthouse, while he and Wilmott practically need a police escorted bubble car to protect them from death threats. So he had a nice boo hoo session in front of the judge this morning, and accused Juan of misconduct for having the audacity to walk out the front door and acknowledge people screaming his name. 

2. This is all Jinkasaurus’ fault. Heavy D was drowning his sorrows in bacon grease and Coors while watching HLN last night, slur-rapping the theme song to 1989’s “In Living Color,” when he SWORE he heard Jinkasaurus report that a juror saw arch nemesis Martinez chatting it up with fans after court. After belch-spelling a few curse words, and throwing pork rinds at the television, Nurmi vowed to grill Jinkasaurus about the incident on the stand the next day. 

3. Apparently on her way to a nightclub, legal analyst and rare dinosaur Jinkasaurus was kind enough to swing by the courtroom in a bedazzled sleeveless knit top and miniskirt to clarify her statement from the night before. She denied claiming she saw a juror who witnessed Martinez with his fanbase; she merely said she HOPED no jurors saw. So Heavy D said she said she saw someone see something when she didnt actually see anybody see anything. See?

4. So the judge called a recess until next Tuesday to get to the bottom of this mess by interviewing all 18 jurors on the couch in her chambers, and asking if they happened to see Martinez get accosted by groupies out front, and if so, how did it make them feel? Because it made Heavy D feel really bad. Like eating his feelings while crying under the bleachers bad. 

5. Those evil twins from The Shining grew up, and they both put on the feedbag. The two giggling dumplings also sported tasteful purple ribbons to support awareness of “the domestic abuse excuse.” Oh, and to mock the victim’s grieving family, who were told not to wear blue ribbons in support of Travis. Because the Arias family is spilling over with class. 

6. Domestic abuse expert LaViolette got back on the stand to continue her ceaseless monologue on the history of violence against women. Allegedly she met with Ugly Betty impersonator Arias and determined that 44 hrs x $350 + high profile TV cameras= Jodi was abused by Travis. And she even gave her some books to help prime her self defense theory. 

7. LaViolette then rambled for a spell about violence against women in popular movies, because that’s totally applicable in this case. Interestingly, a certain scene from Hitchcock’s “Psycho” never came up during her diatribe. 

8. Jennifer Wilmott is still dressing up Jodi like a My Twin Doll. I’m surprised she doesnt sit her on her lap and brush her hair in court. Maybe she’s afraid of her empty head popping off if she brushes too hard. You know those black eyes would still blink at her after rolling around on the ground. 

9. Jodi’s face is so gaunt it looks as if it’s sliding right off her skull. 

10. Somebody wake up Nurmi. He’s snoring at the defense table again. 

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12 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Stacy on March 28, 2013 at 11:34 pm

    Love Love Love your blogs!! Still LMAO@heavy D!! Be so glad when Juan gets up there, does his thing and brings this court room back down to earth…what a circus this has become. This DV expert has really disgusted me! Being a victim of DV myself I cant figure for the life of me why she would help this monster with her defense, It is obvious to everyone she is nothing but a LIAR! I guess money is more important to this woman than the people she is supposed to be helping. Hoping and praying that Travis and the Alexander family gets the justice they deserve! Thanks for the good laughs…I needed that!!

  2. Deliciously funny as always – Happy Easter everyone. 😆

  3. Winner winner, chicken dinner Egg!! Thanks for my morning laugh!!
    I just read the HLN trial on line, can’t take the droning and voices of Wilma and Heavy D. I just wait for Juan, our man to whip through there with a gust of fresh air and wake everyone up.
    Remind me to send the wilting violet one of those spray on bald hair fixers, I’m sick of looking at that patch too.
    If JoDie’s skin face falls off, will she look any different? lol!!
    She must die.

  4. Egg, did you see this crap? LieLo does it again. ugh
    I guess this should go on the other post. Sorry.
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/29/lindsay-lohans-bracelets_n_2978683.html?icid=maing-
    A little trivia for ya’all: The OJ trial was 9 months, the ‘swamp not mom’s’ trial was only 33 days and JoDie’s is up to 4 months now.
    I don’t know how those jurors can go on and endure all that BS. ??
    A Happy Easter Egg to you all. May your baskets overflow with happiness. 🙂

  5. how DO you do it??? You get funnier and funnier every day! Do the people around you just die laughing on a regular basis? You hit the nail on the head on everyone.. are you a carpenter??lol Thanks

    • Max, thanks. I enjoy having people choke and spit their drinks out on a continual basis. 😉 It’s a bitch on my carpet though.

  6. Hi. Where’d everyone go? Is everyone gone on vacation or what?
    Anyway, here’s something that you can not undo once you’ve seen it. Caution. UGH
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/01/lindsay-lohan-sideboob-brazil_n_2992087.html

  7. I should have heeded your warning Carol – LiLo has absolutely no shame – wonder if she was stoned?

  8. Posted by Michelle on April 4, 2013 at 9:39 pm

    This is the greatest thing ever! Can’t wait to read what you have to say about Martinez’s cross examination of LaViolet or whatever her name is…

  9. Posted by Terri on April 7, 2013 at 7:49 am

    “So Heavy D said she said she saw someone see something when she didnt actually see anybody see anything. See?”

    Si!

  10. Posted by jenniferlyn on April 19, 2013 at 7:19 pm

    Jinkasaurus!?!! OMG MUST…STOP…LAUGHING!!

  11. Posted by GBPL on April 24, 2013 at 12:17 pm

    Finally an open reply! I posted on your most recent and just read up until now on your past blogs!

    Brilliant!!!

    Jinkasaurus, diagnonsense, hippooooocccaaammppuuussss…. and this last one “sitting Jodi on her lap and brushing out her hair!!!”

    *I can’t breathe!!!…..tears streaming down my face*

    I can’t tell you what a comic relief this has been to find your blog!!

    You have successfully bumped Mad men as my latest obsession!

    I love the “settings” as much as the content,…. literally could not catch my breath when I read “Hazzard county, Arizona”

    again.brilliant! ; )

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