-3rd Portal to Insanity, Brazil
Hurricane Lindsay blew through Brazil this week (a country that conveniently borders Columbia, by the way), on a super official business trip that required her to be completely $hitfaced every second. Some of the highlights:
1.First things first: before jetting to South America, Typhoid Lindsay demanded in no uncertain terms that her 90 day stint in imaginary lockdown rehab would have to wait until after Coachella Music Festival. Because priorities, people… And the courts may as well just buy her a ticket and give her some confiscated heroin as an apology for rushing her, because they seem just fine with postponing her punishment.
2. Just before the trip, the walking mattress guest starred on benefactor Charlie Sheen’s show “Anger Management.” Her first day on set, she shellshocked everyone by arriving EARLY. And I cant for the life of me imagine how 2 drug ravaged sex addicts passed the time until taping. It must not have been worth it, though, because the next day she was late, and held up production all day by being a divalicious brat, and almost had to be removed from the set by police. Oh, and she took a bunch of jewelry from wardrobe without permission before cutting out early. Because that’s what happens when you hire Lindsay Lohan. But in all fairness, she was probably just really uncomfortable after swallowing all the drugs she was gonna mule to Brazil for Charlie, and had to leave.
3. Some upstanding clothing line in Brazil who Im sure isnt in any way affiliated with Mr Pink offered her a six figure salary to “endorse some jeans,” which I can only assume is Lohanspeak for “deliver mass quantities of blow to a Brazilian diplomat’s orgy.”
4. Note to self: the best way to show the legal system youre totes serious about 90 days of rehab is to literally drink yourself under the table at a nightclub in Sao Paolo. And be sure to give TMZ a few upskirt shots to show off your brazilian wax job when youre laying in a puddle of vodka and/or vomit. That will prove to everybody you dont have addiction issues.
5. She let her girls hang low again, because that’s what serious actresses do nowadays, and one of her fake bulbous boobs popped out of her slipdress as she stumbled out of a helicopter. And then again as she walked down the street in drugged out oblivion. Somewhere on a yacht in Europe, a drunken Tara Reid lifted her head out of the toilet long enough to scream, “Coffeecat! I did that first!”
6. Where on Earth is Mother Crackhead Dina, and why isnt she glued to Lindsay’s side as she parties her face off so close to primo Columbian cocaine? Is she too busy smuggling Ali to another Asian benefactor to keep the drug money rolling in when Lindsay finally gets dragged kicking and screaming to rehab?
7. Always fashionably late, April Fools Day had come and gone before this dipshit could tear herself away from the crack pipe long enough to play a horrific joke on mankind by tweeting that shes pregnant. On April 2. That must be the “great comedic timing” the Anger Management producers complimented her on.
8. Her delightfully comical hobbit attorney Mark Heller is officially cleared of those pesky “witness tampering” charges, because of course he is.
9. After boarding the plane back to New York today, she once again called erasies and bailed to stay in Brazil, against everyone’s advice. Because Coachella isnt until next month anyway, and Columbia is right freakin there, suckers!
10. And rehab can totally wait, because the tabloids NEED sexy bikini pics showing off her saggy pancake ass and angry leg bruises right now. Drug mule you say?!?! Never with that gut! Check out the Daily Mail for the pics, and bring your own eye bleach.