So the quaint farm was overrun by a herd of zombies at the end of season two, forcing the group to hit the road once again. In all the confusion, Stupid Andrea got separated from the rest, and fled into the woods, where she encountered a group of hungry walkers. At the last minute, she was saved by a mysterious sword-wielding bada$$ named Michonne. And Michonne has what it takes to survive the zombie apocalypse; she makes the walkers work FOR her. She removed the arms and jaws of two zombies so they cant scratch or bite, and keeps them on chained leashes to help mask her living scent among the undead. They also carry all her survival gear around their necks, kinda like two mute bellhops you never need to tip. Genius. Michonne, Andrea, and the pet sherpas endure a harsh winter on the road.
Meanwhile, the rest of the group stumbles onto a prison that would make the PERFECT safe place for Princess Lori the Selfish to deliver her baby, who she fears may be born a zombie. But first, they have to kill off the hundreds of walkers currently milling about the jail. General mayhem and bloodshed ensues, and they manage to secure a delightful cell block for themselves. On a quest for the infirmary and weapons stash, a whole bunch of $hit goes down, and a zombie bites a chunk off the ankle of everybody’s dream pepaw Hershel. (Slow motion Nooooooooooo!!!) Quick thinking Rick drags him into the mess hall and amputates the lower leg to stop the infection from turning the sweetest grandpa EVER into a zombie. When the operation/ budget hackjob is finished, they see a group of four surviving prisoners watching them in horror.
Enter hierarchy power struggle between Rick “Officer Friendly” Grimes and greasy alpha prison thug Tomas. Rick offers to help the four criminals clear out a cell block for themselves. To thank him for his kindness, Tomas sicks about 50 walkers on Rick and sessy butterface Darryl. So Tomas gets a machete to his greasy head, and Rick makes a mental note to never help outsiders again.
Then a blaring alarm goes off, drawing walkers to the prison gates from miles around like a cowbell at suppertime. The group scatters all over the place, trying to find the source of the noise, and kill off the surrounding walkers gurgling and drooling for human flesh. T-Dawg sacrifices himself to the hungry mob to save Carol. Maggie, Carl, and Lori the Selfish escape into another corridor, where Lori conveniently goes into labor. Maggie miraculously delivers the baby, but Lori does not survive. Carl finishes her off before she can turn into a walker.
Meanwhile, Michonne and Andrea spot a helicopter crash in the woods, which also draws the attention of a slew of paramilitary troopers who proceed to shoot all the survivors. Among the killers…none other than Merle Dixon, brother to sessy butterface Darryl and now a lieutenant for “The Governor.” His infamous stump hand from Season One now sports a fancy retractable stabbing device. (Seriously, did he not realize the hacksaw would work on the handcuff chain? Because he really didnt have to cut off his hand). Anyway, he captures the two women and brings them to a creepy, too-good-to-be-true town called Woodbury, which is run by a smooth talking charmer with no upper lip, who is only known as “The Governor.” Ladies, NEVER trust a man with no upper lip. Nothing good can come of it. But I digress. He and his trusted advisor, an akward nerd named Milton who reminds me vaguely of Ben Linus from Lost, instantly give Michonne- who possesses common sense- the heebie jeebies. Incurably Stupid Andrea, however, is smitten by the cretin in charge from moment one, despite the whole “he just murdered innocent people back there” argument from Michonne. From this moment on, Andrea is 100% dickmatized.
Trusting her instincts, Michonne does some Scooby Doo snooping, and finds the Governor’s decorative wall of fish tanks filled with human heads. Oh, and a Zombie daughter hidden in the closet, and several truckloads of walkers behind his house, to whom he feeds his dissenters. Michonne tells Stupid Andrea, and begs her to leave with her, but Stupid Andrea responds stupidly that she’s staying put in Woodbury. Because she’s a moron who believes in the dream of Pleasantville, even in the middle of the zombie apocalypse. So Michonne bails, and of course the Governor sends Merle to kill her with his stabby stabbyhand, because nobody leaves wonderlandish Woodbury, and especially not with his secrets. Merle attacks Michonne, but she manages to escape, even after taking a bullet to the leg.
During all this, Maggie and Glenn make a run into town to try and find formula for the newborn baby, who thankfully is not a zombie. Michonne overhears them talking about life at the prison. Tracking Michonne, Merle happens upon the scene and kidnaps Glen and Maggie, taking them back to Woodbury and hoping they’ll tell him where he can find brother Darryl and Officer Friendly. Knowing he’s a loose cannon with a score to settle with Rick over the whole “leaving him to die handcuffed on the roof” ordeal from Season 1, Glenn refuses to give up any info on the group’s whereabouts. He takes quite the beating for it, too. In a different room, Maggie gets sexually assaulted by Governor Charming.
Michonne makes her way to the prison with the baby formula dropped by Glenn and Maggie, and tells Rick and the others about the Woodbury Cult, and Merle, and the Jim Jones enthusiast governor. Darryl immediately goes to find Merle, and of course he gets captured, and of course the governor pits the two brothers against each other in a bizarre thunderdome-esque “fight to the death,” because why not? Rick, who has several screws loose after losing Lori the Selfish, throws together a slapdash blitz attack on the town and rescues all of his missing men. Michonne takes the opportunity to slay the governor’s closet zombie daughter, and takes out one of his eyes with her sword. Because let’s face it, the guy’s a dick.
When they all get back to the prison, they find another small group of survivors has stumbled onto the fortified safe haven. A well mannered strapping young buck named Tyrese is alpha of this bunch. However, growing increasingly insane with grief over Lori the Selfish’s death, and seeing her ghost all over the place, a distrustful Rick’s cheese finally slides right off his cracker, and he orders the intruders out at gunpoint. They leave, and eventually end up settling in Woodbury, with the con artist governor who has vowed revenge on Rick for having the unabashed gall to rescue hostages.
When Stupid Andrea hears about Governor Jim Jones’ plan to wage war on the prison, she stupidly slips out of Woodbury and runs to the prison to warn Team Rick, and to play the unassigned role of mediator for a maniac governor who would kill her if he knew she was even there. She has a lot of adorable ideas about truces and living together peacefully in Pleasantville. Cartoon birds and stars flutter around her head throughout her sweet monologue. But Team Rick says hell to the no. Glenn, who has quickly become a permanent bada$$ after Merle beat the bejeezus out of him, says bring on the war. Realizing she cant possibly change sides now, poor defeated Stupid Andrea takes her martyr complex all the way back to Woodbury and beats her pillow over it.
Preparing for the upcoming war with the Pleasantville army, Rick makes a run to the weapons cache in his hometown, where he finds !Morgan! from the very first episode! And poor, poor Morgan has totally lost his marbles. He’s made elaborate Three’s Company-esque boobytraps all over the place to keep the walkers out, and his mancave walls are covered with doomsday writings. It takes him awhile before he even recognizes Rick. Officer Friendly invites him to come to the prison and join the rest of the group for a superhappy funtime war with a psychopath, but he senses Rick’s need for guns must mean its not quite as safe as it sounds, so he declines. But he gives him a nice stockpile of weapons and sends him on his merry way.
Stupid Andrea manages to setup a strokey-beard meeting between Rick and Governor Charming, where she pushes- without any authority whatsoever- her sweet reverie of a truce between the two tribes. She gets thrown out of the meeting like the dumb a$$hat she is, while the two dueling Alphas sneer at eachother from across the table, exchanging verbal barbs in a territorial pissing contest. Finally the Governor offers Rick a deal: turn over Michonne and he’ll let the rest of the group live. Officer Friendly knows it’s a lie dipped in bull$hit and rolled up in bologne, but still tells him he’ll think it over. Outside, Pepaw Hershel and the Ben Linus-like guy bond over Hershel’s cool new stumpgun leg (imagine Rose McGowan’s character from Grindhouse, only as a sweet old man). Sessy butterface Darryl and lieutenant Martinez kill walkers together for sport. See, everybody can get along.
Later on, Stupid Andrea actually gets one eye open and begins to suspect the governor is a tad evil after all, when the Ben Linus-like adviser shows her “The Torture Chair.” So she escapes Woodbury one more time to warn Team Prison about his evil intentions, as if they dont already know the guy is a complete psychopath. As if this is a HUGE REVELATION to anybody but Stupid Andrea. Tyrese informs the governor she hopped the wall out of wonderland, and the psycho goes after her, hunting her down like prey for an entire episode. She finally makes it to just outside the prison walls when he tackles her from out of nowhere and drags her back to the Pleasantville torture chair. Meanwhile, a pit of walkers created to greet Michonne goes up in flames in a mysterious act of sabotage.
Back at the prison, Rick tells Merle about the offer of a truce in exchange for Michonne, and asks him to deliver her on a silver platter to Governor Charming. You know, because he’s so trustworthy, and he wont go back on his word and kill Team Rick anyway. So Merle kidnaps Michonne and hotwires a car for the trek to Bazzarro World’d Maybury. Halfway there, Rick calls erasies, and sends Darryl to put a stop to the plan. On foot. Because that’ll work. Michonne miraculously hits all kinds of guilt buttons on the ride with the usually charcoal hearted Merle, and he finally kicks her out of the car and decides to go full superhero against Governor Charming instead. Blasting the car stereo to attract walkers, he drives it straight into the meeting point, but jumps out at the last minute. As the Pleasantville army is distracted killing the onslaught of zombies, Merle slaughters about 10 of the governor’s soldiers. Then the governor shoots Merle. Later, Darryl finally arrives on the scene to find his brother has turned into a walker. After much ugly crying (or maybe constipation?), Darryl kills his brother for good, and everybody surprisingly gets the sads about it.
After finding out nerdy adviser Milton betrayed him by setting fire to the pit of walkers meant for Michonne, Governor Charming stabs him and leaves him to die in the same room as Stupid Andrea, who is still cuffed to the torture chair and unable to defend herself when he inevitably turns into a hungry zombie. Back at the prison, the group packs up and bails from their cell block to fool the governor into thinking theyve ditched the jail while trembling in fear. When the Pleasantville army arrives with guns blazing and fists pounding their chests like angry gorillas, Team Rick surprises them in a massive ambush and wipes out a huge chunk of their men. The enraged governor retreats. His remaining soldiers complain about prolonging the war, and he does what any good leader does to gain support: he shoots them all (except a few, but only because he runs out of ammo). Team Rick heads to Woodbury to finish off the maniac in charge. They find Tyrese, who is helping terrified cult detractors escape, and they also find Stupid Andrea, who has been bit by nerdy Milton, and is too far gone to be saved. So they give her a gun and she offs herself.
Then all of the Woodbury refugees hop on the caravan over to the prison, to join Team Rick.
But Governor Charming is still out there, so they’ll draw this power struggle out for yet another season….
Season 4 begins in October on AMC! Dont miss it!