Down the Rabbithole

-Outer Context, Arizona

All the latest courtroom tomfoolery:

1. Recently tasered pitbull “Mr. Martinez” gets lots of good boy treats and bellyrubs, because he hasn’t so much as yapped at Insufferable Alyce since resuming cross exam on Monday. And that’s quite a feat for someone who normally has the patience of a chihuahua on Adderall, and is dealing with a smug, evasive GrumpyCat faced manhater on the stand. Who’s the bestest boy in the world for calmly delivering death blows to the entire defense argument? Who? 

2. So remember how irritating empress of victimhood LaViolette spent 6 days accusing total stranger Travis Alexander of domestic violence? And how she based it on his written messages, plucked out of context by a pathological liar and her ethically-challenged defense team? Well, she kept a straight face telling Juan (in no uncertain terms) that she will NOT allow any of HER statements, or frail maiden Jodi’s for that matter, to be taken out of context, thank you very much, Mr. Martinez. Because it’s unfair…when men do it. 

3. The defense team, along with all their witnesses, seem to be having a mysterious, unintentional jowel-growing competition. My English bulldog can’t compete with some of them. 

4. These constant sidebars are the most exercise Heavy D Nurmi has gotten in years. Between that, the nonstop mistrial motions, and constantly scrutinizing the jury, he hardly has any time for a snooze in his chair anymore. 

5. Jenny is still bringing her stabby My Twinn doll Jodi to watch her play lawyer all day. She gets to color at the table while Jenny does the super professional eyerolling, sneering, and whining that real grownup attorneys do. Sometimes they pass notes and smirk, as if Jodie was a REAL Wednesday Addams disguised as Ugly Betty, and not just a homicidal My Twinn doll without a soul.

6. Upon her arrest for first degree murder, battered maiden Arias did what any victim of traumatic amnesia would do: she wrote a manifesto to profit off her inevitable infamy, and was even thoughtful enough to autograph two copies. Just like Einstein would do!

7. Yes or no here. Yes or no there. Here a yes or no, there a yes or no, everywhere a yes or no.  Sidebar. LaViolette can’t answer “is water wet” with a simple yes or no. She requires a freeflow of expression, to opine on the true feminine nature of water, and all the ways angry men have battered it. Especially that a-hole Mr. Martinez. 

8. Apparently under the impression that a murder trial is just like any other group therapy session for her to direct, Insufferable Alyce took it upon herself to suggest “Mr. Martinez” take a timeout when she didn’t want to answer his questions for fear of stepping all over her own tongue. 

9. Debate club captain and Homecoming queen contender Jenny hops up from her seat to snidely object and approach the bench at least once every 7 seconds. Heavy D nurmi has a mild heart attack just watching her. $1.5 million of taxpayer money is efficiently at work with these two. 

10. I could listen to Juan say words like “Juarez” and “Esteban” all day long. And with LaViolette asking him to rephrase his questions six times before giving a noncommital answer, I can. 


20 responses to this post.

  1. Eggcellent as always :mrgreen:

    The poor jury must be at the end of their patience by now – it’s a disgrace that they have had to put their lives on hold for this rediculous circus!

    • Posted by Judy McMackin on April 14, 2013 at 3:25 pm

      Juan is so much smarter than his opponents. Like their walkin’ off a cliff & he’s not gonna warn them. You know….give them enough rope to hang themselves. Juan does not have to speak a lot…just ask a simple YES or NO question & listen to them talk on endlessly till they are going in circles trying to sound so intelligent & end up sounding very biased & basically lying. I love it when they contradict themselves in the same sentence. The judge seems very fair & she ends up letting them hang themselves too.
      I can’t believe they don’t see how awful they are on TV, but they go back the next day behaving just as horrible. All their careers are in big jeopardy. Yeah, why doesn’t the Judge charge Alyce with contempt of court. You shouldn’t have to admonish a witness so many times.

  2. I love this! Mind if I repost?

  3. Reblogged this on Seasons Change, and so have I and commented:
    A completely hilarious summary of the scene in Court at the trial of Jodi Arias!

  4. Posted by Libby on April 10, 2013 at 10:39 am

    Eggy you are masterful with details of the situation at hand!!!! I chuckle the whole time I am reading your posts. Now Juan just needs to cut to the chase and get this whining woman off the stand, I can most definitely see the twin resemblance in there. This getting in maybe 5 minutes of actual testimony a day is driving me nuts. Keep up the good commentary!!! I will be back.

  5. This is brilliant! I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Thank you for this wonderful piece. Truly enjoyed it. Looking forward to the next one! ;))

  6. You are a riot! I have so much fun reading your posts, which make me laugh so much I cry. To paraphrase Jodi Arias….you have such a twisted sense of humor….I like it! I will never be able to think of Jean Casarez, ever again, except as Jinkasaurus.

  7. This was just too funny!

  8. You , Egg , are the absolute owner of Funny… WOW,, Where do you get it”? I love it, and thanks…..

  9. Posted by Kim Anne on April 12, 2013 at 2:38 pm

    You’ve got the gift. After being mentioned on the Juan Martinez fb support page, methinks you’re going to enjoy a much larger audience. I’ll be reading and commenting on lots of your posts. Thanks for sharing your ability to highlight the absurd. I can’t wait for your next editorial, lol.

  10. Posted by Robin on April 12, 2013 at 8:58 pm

    I’m sorry I just found your awesome blog! I’m a faithful follower from now on. Thank you for a few light minutes, during a trial of unimaginable darkness.

  11. Posted by Sazzy on April 13, 2013 at 12:40 pm

    “Heavy D Nurmi” – love it. Gotta love how he’s been catching zzz’s every day in court, using his 2nd & 3rd chin as a pillow.

  12. Posted by Lisa on April 13, 2013 at 6:27 pm

    Laughing so hard tears are running down my legs.

  13. Posted by linda mooradian on April 14, 2013 at 4:27 am

    Bravo! Excellent post! Grumpy cat will never forgive you.

  14. Posted by barb on April 16, 2013 at 9:37 am

    lol stabby get to color

  15. Posted by linda mooradian on April 16, 2013 at 5:03 pm

    Eggy, you have me hooked! Please don`t insult my guy Grumpy Cat, there is no equal.

  16. Ok, can I just tell you how much I love, love, LOVE your blog? It rocks! Soooo funny, and right up my alley. Here’s a little gem of my own you might appreciate:

    Jodi’s profile:

    Name: Jodi “Poprocks” Arias
    Age: 12
    Residence: The Big House
    Occupation: Photogra..I mean PrePaid Legal salesper….I mean waitress…ok, I mean murderer.
    Hobbies: Screwing, road-tripping, stalking, lying, naked photography, making secret recordings, braiding my hair, journaling and murder
    Religion: Whatever you are
    Favorite Singer: Mel Torme a.k.a The Velvet Fog
    Favorite Movie: “So I Married An Axe Murderer”
    Favorite Book: My journals.
    Favorite Holiday: Halloween….so I can really rock my naughty schoolgirl costume
    Favorite Foods: Tootsie pops and pop rocks
    Favorite Sex Act: That be the butt, Bob.
    Favorite phrase: I don’t remember
    Favorite raincoat: The London Fog
    Favorite accessories: Glasses and Kleenex
    Favorite magazines: Anything with a secret code written in it.
    Favorite secret code: Well, not the one I used.
    Heros: Casey Anthony, Drew Peterson, Lizzie Bordon and Jesus
    Dream Job: Phone sex operator or Karaoke Star
    Best Trait I Have: I’m super bendy!!!!
    Worst Trait I have: I’m super stabby!!!!
    Where I See Myself In 5 Years: Checking out the other places I haven’t been to of the “1000 Places To Visit Before You Die” with my new love….YOU!
    Where Others See Me in 5 Years: Sitting on death row…hope this isn’t a problem for you!
    Requirements in a partner: Must be super nice because my old boyfriend was so crabby and mean. Must like exploring all sexual fantasies our fruitful imaginations can dream up. Should not have a problem talking to me through a glass window.

    Hit me up!

    p.s. Thank you for the “Ugly Betty” comment. I’ve been trying to think who Pop Rocks reminds me of with her court persona, and that’s it!!!!! Yes!!!!!

  17. Posted by i_got_solutions on April 17, 2013 at 6:01 pm

    That was great, hotflashhater!

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