-Outer Context, Arizona
All the latest courtroom tomfoolery:
1. Recently tasered pitbull “Mr. Martinez” gets lots of good boy treats and bellyrubs, because he hasn’t so much as yapped at Insufferable Alyce since resuming cross exam on Monday. And that’s quite a feat for someone who normally has the patience of a chihuahua on Adderall, and is dealing with a smug, evasive GrumpyCat faced manhater on the stand. Who’s the bestest boy in the world for calmly delivering death blows to the entire defense argument? Who?
2. So remember how irritating empress of victimhood LaViolette spent 6 days accusing total stranger Travis Alexander of domestic violence? And how she based it on his written messages, plucked out of context by a pathological liar and her ethically-challenged defense team? Well, she kept a straight face telling Juan (in no uncertain terms) that she will NOT allow any of HER statements, or frail maiden Jodi’s for that matter, to be taken out of context, thank you very much, Mr. Martinez. Because it’s unfair…when men do it.
3. The defense team, along with all their witnesses, seem to be having a mysterious, unintentional jowel-growing competition. My English bulldog can’t compete with some of them.
4. These constant sidebars are the most exercise Heavy D Nurmi has gotten in years. Between that, the nonstop mistrial motions, and constantly scrutinizing the jury, he hardly has any time for a snooze in his chair anymore.
5. Jenny is still bringing her stabby My Twinn doll Jodi to watch her play lawyer all day. She gets to color at the table while Jenny does the super professional eyerolling, sneering, and whining that real grownup attorneys do. Sometimes they pass notes and smirk, as if Jodie was a REAL Wednesday Addams disguised as Ugly Betty, and not just a homicidal My Twinn doll without a soul.
6. Upon her arrest for first degree murder, battered maiden Arias did what any victim of traumatic amnesia would do: she wrote a manifesto to profit off her inevitable infamy, and was even thoughtful enough to autograph two copies. Just like Einstein would do!
7. Yes or no here. Yes or no there. Here a yes or no, there a yes or no, everywhere a yes or no. Sidebar. LaViolette can’t answer “is water wet” with a simple yes or no. She requires a freeflow of expression, to opine on the true feminine nature of water, and all the ways angry men have battered it. Especially that a-hole Mr. Martinez.
8. Apparently under the impression that a murder trial is just like any other group therapy session for her to direct, Insufferable Alyce took it upon herself to suggest “Mr. Martinez” take a timeout when she didn’t want to answer his questions for fear of stepping all over her own tongue.
9. Debate club captain and Homecoming queen contender Jenny hops up from her seat to snidely object and approach the bench at least once every 7 seconds. Heavy D nurmi has a mild heart attack just watching her. $1.5 million of taxpayer money is efficiently at work with these two.
10. I could listen to Juan say words like “Juarez” and “Esteban” all day long. And with LaViolette asking him to rephrase his questions six times before giving a noncommital answer, I can.