“The Prosecutor” Takes Control of Runaway Train

-Theater of the Absurd, Arizona

The hamster wheel of insanity continues to spin this week in the Jodi Arias trial, because why not? It’s fueled by the never ending supply of narcissistic delusion humming in cartoonish waves from the defense table. Here’s the latest mind numbing developments:

1. Half of Monday was flushed down the toilet so Heavy D Nurmi could induce a wave of eyerolls around the world with his latest nonsensical mistrial motions. Sporting a nifty metallic blue shirt (that should have come with a space helmet, or at least a fish bowl over his head), the overgrown crybaby blamed all his woes on Juan “The Prosecutor” Martinez.  According to the whiny space cadet, Martinez was a big meanie to Boss Hogg impersonator Richard Samuels. He also pissed and moaned (again) about Juan’s squeeing groupies outside the courthouse. Basically, every problem under the sun is barky Martinez’s fault, and the defense deserves a do-over. DENIED and DENIED said the judge four hours later. But Heavy D and Jenny squeezed another $1200 out of Arizona taxpayers in the process, so I guess it was all worth it. 

2. Stabby Einstein’s moronic tweets via surrogate also came up. Lobotomized Heavy D argued (with a straight face) that her First Amendment rights allow her to dig her own grave in cyberspace. Yes, according to her own attorney, abused, meek, passive victim Arias SHOULD be able to lash out at any and all critics online. Because that’s what all battered women do these days. Tweet away, A$$hat, tweet away…

3. Juan really enjoys talking about himself in the third person. It reminds me of that “Jimmy” episode of Seinfeld. I keep expecting him to shout, “The Prosecutor’s gittin’ upset!!!” 

4. Team Cosmonaut dropped some acid and blew up the pupil area of the last picture of Travis. Then they plopped down in beanbag chairs and tripped balls for awhile staring at it. After ruling out Jesus tapdancing atop a peacock feather, Snow White suffering a beating at the hands of Grumpy, Esteban Flores doing the Charlie Chaplin walk, and a snarling Juan on a choke collar, these brainiacs determined it clearly shows a reflection of UNARMED maiden Arias snapping a picture. Okey dokey, but how long does Nurmi think it takes to grab a knife from one’s back pocket? Her a$$ isn’t exactly three axe handles wide. 

5. The long awaited magic words finally reached our ears: “The Defense Rests.” A collective sigh of relief swept the globe. But we still have Heavy D’s closing argument to cringe about. Hopefully he wont perform the In Living Color theme song, with Jenny and Jodi as fly girls. 

6. A mysterious bald spot has appeared on the crown of Jenny Wilmott’s head. Did she and her psycho My Twin doll Jodi get into a hairpulling fight over the weekend? I’m guessing it was over irreconcilable costume differences, because they don’t match today. Either that, or Jodi threw a legendary temper tantrum over losing valuable airtime to a terrorist attack yesterday. 

7. Juan “The Prosecutor” Martinez began his rebuttal with a (sober) psychologist to refute Dynamic Duo Samuels and LaViolette’s wacky assessment of Jodi as a traumatized victim. According to Janeen DeMarte, who is clearly not from Pinellas or Wonderland, The Ugly Betty impostor has Borderline Personality Disorder. Borderliners are angry, manipulative, impulsive, insecure stalkers terrified of abandonment. Yup. Sounds right. 

8. Jenny kept glaring at DeMarte as if the psychologist was threatening to steal her Homecoming Queen crown. She often rested her chin in her palm, showing off her super professional red-tipped manicure like bloody talons, while Jodi furiously scribbled away next to her. Nobody puts Stabby in the corner on Jenny’s watch! 

9. As we all know, Valentine’s Day is traditionally a time to write about your explosive anger, and how it drives you to punch walls, bust down doors, and generally freak the hell out after receiving a romantic gift from a lover. Cupid HEARTS violence. Why else would he have all those arrows? 

10. De Marte calls shenanigans on Jodi’s fog, because since when do traumatized amnesiacs see “a little bit of blood” on their hands and immediately conclude they murdered someone? You 
mean to tell me this pathological liar and butcher was DISHONEST about blacking out during the crime? Color. Me. Shocked. 

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63 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by fillymj on April 16, 2013 at 4:13 pm

    AWESOME RECAP

    • Posted by chris on April 19, 2013 at 8:22 am

      Someone on FB posted your blog and OMGosh, you are hilarious!!! I can’t stop laughing. Thanks for doing this blog, after listening to Homecoming wannabe and Squirmy Nurmi all week, it’s great to read your blog.

      • Posted by Cathy on April 20, 2013 at 12:47 am

        That’s how I found it too. Now I’m addicted!!!

        • A ‘must share’ to my friends on face book!! Thanks for your humor,its so nice to read after being so frustrated from watching that damn never ending circus of a trial! Love your writing and sense of humor! 🙂

  2. Posted by Jasmine Bayless. on April 16, 2013 at 4:38 pm

    I’m in LOVE with Dr DeMarte. I’m loving your sense of humor, as well, so much so that I went back and read almost every single thing you wrote. Appreciate you.

  3. Posted by adrianadalba on April 16, 2013 at 4:54 pm

    All day I’ve been waiting for your blog I swear!!!! And as always, you are a master of hilarity and logic!
    THANK YOU! 😀

  4. Posted by linda mooradian on April 16, 2013 at 5:10 pm

    Hats off to you once again! You have to use JM`s line about the pennies in the kettle.

  5. Posted by nanato8 on April 16, 2013 at 5:39 pm

    Love it, love it, love it. It was so much more entertaining reading this than looking at childhood pics of JA. Ughh!

  6. Dear God. You are annoyingly good at this. Errr….. I mean. Love your blog and I am not the least bit jealous… I mean… I’m just going to excuse myself now.

  7. Posted by Teresa on April 16, 2013 at 6:00 pm

    Holy Crap you have gotten every player down to a tee and you are Hilarious can’t wait to read your next post 😂😂😂👏👏👏

  8. Posted by trialjunkie on April 16, 2013 at 6:03 pm

    i love reading your blog and each day cant wait to see if you’ve written. this is one of the best!!

  9. Posted by Jen on April 16, 2013 at 6:13 pm

    Thanks Tamara for sharing other great bloggers

  10. Posted by Jasmine Bayless. on April 16, 2013 at 6:18 pm

    I love Tamara, too! Both of you ladies rock!

  11. This was another very funny post. I loved it. And I have to agree…reading this was better than looking at Stabbie’s childhood photos on NG tonight.

  12. Nurmi and a Space Helmet!! Hey my band just release a track called “Space Helmet”!!

    Loved the witness today and the commencement of Rebuttal!! Woo Hoo!!! Go Juan!

    • Posted by JustKillerAlready on April 16, 2013 at 8:46 pm

      Ouch, Was that a live recording? Levels were all jacked up!

      • Posted by Christopher on April 17, 2013 at 8:06 am

        Not sure what is wrong.. Sounds fine on my iPad… Thanks for checking it out anyways! Basic tracks were recorded live and loud!

        • Posted by Christopher on April 17, 2013 at 8:08 am

          Cannot wait to hear Willmot continue to struggle against this excellent new witness today…La Violate was horrific

      • Did you have your speakers cranked up to hear the LIVE STREAM OF THE TRIAL like i did? (the level on THAT is very low)… when i play music at the same level as the trial, it blasts.. i just turn down the speakers…

  13. Posted by M on April 16, 2013 at 7:33 pm

    My day started out Juanderful, later turned DeMartabulous and suddenly, it is Eggalicious!!! It just gets better! Props =======>

  14. Love this blog! H.I.L.A.R.I.O.U.S.! Thank you to Tamara Tattles for turning me on to this!

  15. Posted by JustKillerAlready on April 16, 2013 at 8:44 pm

    Uhhhhhhhh…. GREAT effing blog! Adding to faves.

  16. Posted by Left coast granny on April 16, 2013 at 8:48 pm

    THANK YOU for your blog. I simply love it and look forward to reading your posts. You have the description of the cast of characters down to a tee.

  17. Posted by Rose on April 16, 2013 at 8:59 pm

    I only watched bits and pieces of the trial today. Now that everyone is all tucked in their beds, I’m going on YouTube, I hope, to listen/see today’s courtroom happenings. Reading this first made me laugh which makes me look forward more than ever to hear JM at work!!

  18. Your witty humor literally cracks me up!

  19. Thank heavens this jury isn’t sequestered :mrgreen:

  20. WOW, WOW WOW! Awesome blog, very creative and so hysterically on the mark! You are a genius!!

  21. what is the url to the original post please?

  22. Posted by 18thclady on April 17, 2013 at 4:05 am

    Wonderful! Thanks so much! Yesterday was terrific, and this was a cherry on the Juanderful sundae!

  23. Posted by Christina on April 17, 2013 at 6:15 am

    Oh my goodness, this is great!!!! : )

  24. Posted by Cynthia on April 17, 2013 at 8:48 am

    De Marte calls shenanigans ON WILMOTT… LOVE IT!!!!!!! I love De Marte!! : )

  25. Posted by Nhu Doan on April 17, 2013 at 12:50 pm

    This is frickin’ right on the MONEY HONEY…..

  26. Posted by Kiki on April 17, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    This post is EPIC…every single player is perfectly described to a tee! *bookmarks blog*

  27. Posted by Cody on April 17, 2013 at 1:05 pm

    Hilarious!

  28. I’m being forced to decide between you, Eggy, and Dr. Badass….oh, what the hell, I’ll take you both! 😀

  29. Posted by Kristen Shumway on April 17, 2013 at 3:02 pm

    One of my favorite moments of the “eyeball” debacle was at the very end when Juan insisted he saw a dog…a German shepherd “or a Mexican chihuahua.” Bwahaha! If Wormy Nurmi had been smart enough to get the joke, he’d have started whining about “prosecutorial misconduct again.

  30. Egg!! Another touch down for you!! 🙂 Great stuff! Bravo!!
    Can I be the President of your fan club growing by leaps and bounds?
    Today was short and sweet. Wilma is trying so hard to be a tough guy – never gonna happen. Her voice gets all squeaky and she skips her place and screws it all up. She needs to go back to running the PTA.
    Heavy D actually looks awake and interested knowing that his fat ass is screwed and he is an idiot. LOSER.
    I wonder if Tweety Bird is going to tell us what the butcher is sick from today. Gee, I hope it’s something fatal.

  31. Posted by Tabatha on April 17, 2013 at 4:52 pm

    Fantastic

  32. Posted by Lulu's Mom on April 17, 2013 at 5:40 pm

    WHO ARE YOU? You are so funny, creative, naughty and right on. Bless you for doing this….for sure I will follow your every word from here on in.

  33. Posted by Susie on April 17, 2013 at 5:59 pm

    I love your recap! I laughed so hard! I can’t stand WilNot Stop Whining’s voice either. Thank you for bringing some comic perspective to Fantasyland!

  34. Posted by mysillybone on April 17, 2013 at 8:50 pm

    OMG…hilarious!

  35. Posted by kit on April 18, 2013 at 7:10 am

    Your blog is hilarious. Thank you and from now on, I think I’ll just read this instead of trying to watch the trial in bits and pieces. Too bad the jury can’t read this because they must want to tear their hair out and run screaming out of the courthouse at this point.

  36. Posted by Lizzy on April 18, 2013 at 7:23 am

    Eggtree Blog–this is the BEST site ever!!!
    I just can’t help it that I’m still laughing about Juan seeing a dog or a gopher in the defense expert’s enlarged photo of the pupil – especially when Juan walked over and put it up again on the projector and pointed out the outline of what he saw as the ears, nose, eyes, stick in the dog’s mouth, etc. I don’t even think he is attempting to be rude or insulting, or even funny, whatever it is he is a natural– it’s the only thing that makes me laugh out loud about this trial because it is not funny at all.

  37. Posted by 38special on April 18, 2013 at 8:28 am

    Love it!
    Sometimes I half expect the entire defense, table and all, to be beamed back to their mothership.
    38 says.very funny article.

  38. Thanks so much for this take on a trial that has caught all of us up in its lunacy. You have a quick wit and ability to put it to blog. Thanks for sharing…

  39. Posted by Jackie on April 18, 2013 at 8:35 pm

    Laughed my a$$ off, I needed that after 4 days of BS from Wilma! Thanks

  40. Posted by Valerie on April 18, 2013 at 9:12 pm

    Red tipped manicure hahaha so tacky

  41. Posted by Shannon on April 19, 2013 at 7:54 am

    I am so happy to have found your blog! You are so funny and had me laughing! 😀 I love your spot-on coverage of the trial!

  42. great blog……you have it down pat…..keep it up

  43. Posted by Cathy on April 20, 2013 at 12:49 am

    Damn – you nailed it perfectly!! The “Jimmy” episode was my FAVORITE . “George likes his chicken spicy” & “Jimmy’s down”. lmao

  44. Posted by leah morris on April 20, 2013 at 11:02 am

    I laughed so hard reading this, I almost feel out of my chair. “Nobody puts stabby in the corner on Jenny’s watch”.
    L

  45. Posted by Nancy Lowry on April 24, 2013 at 8:58 am

    My daughter sent the blog to me and she has followed the trial from the beginning. I love your blog and now have my granddaughter reading it. However I am watching the trial and reading Harry Potter and sometimes I get the “Dark Side” witches from Harry mixed in with the trial. Ummmm!

  46. Posted by Laurie on April 24, 2013 at 8:11 pm

    Please tell me you have a book being published soon.

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