-Theater of the Absurd, Arizona
The hamster wheel of insanity continues to spin this week in the Jodi Arias trial, because why not? It’s fueled by the never ending supply of narcissistic delusion humming in cartoonish waves from the defense table. Here’s the latest mind numbing developments:
1. Half of Monday was flushed down the toilet so Heavy D Nurmi could induce a wave of eyerolls around the world with his latest nonsensical mistrial motions. Sporting a nifty metallic blue shirt (that should have come with a space helmet, or at least a fish bowl over his head), the overgrown crybaby blamed all his woes on Juan “The Prosecutor” Martinez. According to the whiny space cadet, Martinez was a big meanie to Boss Hogg impersonator Richard Samuels. He also pissed and moaned (again) about Juan’s squeeing groupies outside the courthouse. Basically, every problem under the sun is barky Martinez’s fault, and the defense deserves a do-over. DENIED and DENIED said the judge four hours later. But Heavy D and Jenny squeezed another $1200 out of Arizona taxpayers in the process, so I guess it was all worth it.
2. Stabby Einstein’s moronic tweets via surrogate also came up. Lobotomized Heavy D argued (with a straight face) that her First Amendment rights allow her to dig her own grave in cyberspace. Yes, according to her own attorney, abused, meek, passive victim Arias SHOULD be able to lash out at any and all critics online. Because that’s what all battered women do these days. Tweet away, A$$hat, tweet away…
3. Juan really enjoys talking about himself in the third person. It reminds me of that “Jimmy” episode of Seinfeld. I keep expecting him to shout, “The Prosecutor’s gittin’ upset!!!”
4. Team Cosmonaut dropped some acid and blew up the pupil area of the last picture of Travis. Then they plopped down in beanbag chairs and tripped balls for awhile staring at it. After ruling out Jesus tapdancing atop a peacock feather, Snow White suffering a beating at the hands of Grumpy, Esteban Flores doing the Charlie Chaplin walk, and a snarling Juan on a choke collar, these brainiacs determined it clearly shows a reflection of UNARMED maiden Arias snapping a picture. Okey dokey, but how long does Nurmi think it takes to grab a knife from one’s back pocket? Her a$$ isn’t exactly three axe handles wide.
5. The long awaited magic words finally reached our ears: “The Defense Rests.” A collective sigh of relief swept the globe. But we still have Heavy D’s closing argument to cringe about. Hopefully he wont perform the In Living Color theme song, with Jenny and Jodi as fly girls.
6. A mysterious bald spot has appeared on the crown of Jenny Wilmott’s head. Did she and her psycho My Twin doll Jodi get into a hairpulling fight over the weekend? I’m guessing it was over irreconcilable costume differences, because they don’t match today. Either that, or Jodi threw a legendary temper tantrum over losing valuable airtime to a terrorist attack yesterday.
7. Juan “The Prosecutor” Martinez began his rebuttal with a (sober) psychologist to refute Dynamic Duo Samuels and LaViolette’s wacky assessment of Jodi as a traumatized victim. According to Janeen DeMarte, who is clearly not from Pinellas or Wonderland, The Ugly Betty impostor has Borderline Personality Disorder. Borderliners are angry, manipulative, impulsive, insecure stalkers terrified of abandonment. Yup. Sounds right.
8. Jenny kept glaring at DeMarte as if the psychologist was threatening to steal her Homecoming Queen crown. She often rested her chin in her palm, showing off her super professional red-tipped manicure like bloody talons, while Jodi furiously scribbled away next to her. Nobody puts Stabby in the corner on Jenny’s watch!
9. As we all know, Valentine’s Day is traditionally a time to write about your explosive anger, and how it drives you to punch walls, bust down doors, and generally freak the hell out after receiving a romantic gift from a lover. Cupid HEARTS violence. Why else would he have all those arrows?
10. De Marte calls shenanigans on Jodi’s fog, because since when do traumatized amnesiacs see “a little bit of blood” on their hands and immediately conclude they murdered someone? You
mean to tell me this pathological liar and butcher was DISHONEST about blacking out during the crime? Color. Me. Shocked.