Somebody Hide Stabby’s Pencils

-Back Up the Rabbit Hole, Arizona

The mushroom trip finally ended yesterday when the defense rested their fairytale in chief, and Martinez called his first rebuttal witness. Janeen DeMarte, a psychologist who did NOT attend the Mad Hatter Kool Aid party and has no affiliation with Wonderland or Snow White, took the stand and dismantled the defense’s case in a matter of hours. She believes Wednesday Addams disguised as Ugly Betty actually has Borderline Personality Disorder. And Homecoming Queen contender Jenny Wilmott and her stabby My Twin doll Jodi are NOT having any of it. Hide the pencils, somebody. 

1. As one spectator put it, “What makes Janeen a great witness for the state is that she’s logical, straight forward, and able to back up her assessment with solid evidence. And she’s sober, which is a refreshing change coming down from that awful mushroom high.” Indeed, she’s like a B-12 shot straight to the dome during a hangover. She outlined the criteria for BPD, which is rooted in a neurotic fear of abandonment, and marked by emotional immaturity, insecurity, instability, impulsivity, stalking, and explosive fits of anger. Throughout her direct testimony yesterday, Stabby avoided all eye contact with her, and instead scribbled furiously with a palpable rage, stopping intermittently to whisper in Jenny’s ear and roll her eyes. You know, like your typical meek battered woman. 

2. Then Homecoming Queen Contender Jenny launched in to cross examine her perceived arch rival for the crown. The condescending Mean Girl started off fumbling an attack on DeMarte’s credentials, as an obnoxious Stabby sneered from the defense table, and Heavy D Nurmi smirked as if anticipating a hilarious “Yo Mama” joke at Janeen’s expense. DeMarte didn’t flinch. She even corrected a kerflunkled Jenny multiple times regarding Arizona’s laws for licensing psychologists. Derrrrrrp!

2. Super professional Jenny then informed her that wackadoodle defense expert LaViolette received her license all the way back in 1980. “What were YOU doing in 1980,” she asked the 32 year old whipper snapper. “Were YOU supervising other doctors back then,” she inquired snidely. No, you petulant Mistress of Juvenilia, she was not a psychology expert from the cradle. But she’s still more credible and objective than your slapdash manhater Alyce. Thanks for pointing that out. At this point, Jodi shot seething death rays at DeMarte while sharpening her pencil collection. 

3. Then Stabby Einstein covertly flipped the bird at Janeen. Or maybe it was meant for Nancy Grace again. Whatever, I’m sure she’ll explain herself later on Twitter. 

4. Uh oh…Homecoming Queen contender Jenny and nemesis DeMarte unintentionally match today. Both chose a black and white ensemble for today’s showdown, and we all know that’s a catfight waiting to happen. To make matters worse, Jodi is the odd wingnut out in muddy green. For someone with neurotic fears of abandonment, this last minute costume clash could push her over the edge. Somebody slip her a tranquilizer or strap her to the chair Hannibal Lecter style, because her empty stare is freaking everyone out. 

5. Jenny whined for a spell about DeMarte earning $300 an hour, which according to Jenny is indicative of secondary gain. Ironically, she, Heavy D Nurmi, and LaViolette all earn more, so she should probably stop her hypocritical song and dance about draining taxpayers (who are sitting on the jury, by the way).  She also suggested Janeen was not a qualified expert due to the absence of “lecturer” on her CV. Perhaps if she had toured to spread the word about battered Disney characters rather than treat patients, she would have more credibility with Team Cosmonaut. Try as she might to imitate barky Martinez, Catty Jenny just cannot rattle Janeen’s cage.  

6.  Nurmi needs a barkalounger, preferably with a massage pillow, and an aromatherapeutic neck wrap. He may as well come to court in his jammies at this point. Let Jenny text him from the sidebars with updates. He’s got snoozing to do. 

7. It’s official: I would rather listen to Freddy Kruger’s nails on a chalkboard, while stabbing myself in the eyeball repeatedly with a rusty nail, while inhaling a swarm of gnats after stepping in dog vomit, than listen to Jenny’s voice. 

8. Apparently, after diagnosing Jodi with BPD, DeMarte’s home was broken into, and her laptop was stolen. My money is on Wilmott. I could see her squeezing through the doggy door in all black, and snatching that computer to look for pictures of Janeen’s Homecoming dress. The crown will be defended at ANY cost. 

9. Lawdy lawdy, DeMarte is better prepared than Wilmott, who keeps slamming face first into brick walls while chasing her tail, and at times doesn’t seem to understand her own questions. Her inability to phase Janeen in any way whatsoever sends her flying around the courtroom like a rapidly deflating balloon. All the while, a dead eyed Jodi stares straight ahead with drool dripping out one side of her mouth. 

10. So court ended abruptly today because poor Stabby has yet another conveniently timed migraine. I didnt know demons could get headaches, let alone migraines induced by their lawyer’s incompetence. I love learning new things. 

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81 responses to this post.

  1. would it be wrong to tell you that i love you? i love smart and funny, so…i love you!

    • Posted by Lily MacPhie on April 17, 2013 at 9:48 pm

      I’ve been finding entries from Jodi’s Journal. This is the most recent one I’ve been able to dig up…

      PART V:
      SCENE: Courtroom: Gallery crowded, quiet.
      Jodi at defense table, writing studiously, looking irritated

      Dear Diary: (April 17th, 2013)

      B****! B****! B****! B****! B****! B****! B****! B****! B****! B****! B****! B****! B****! B*****! B****!

    • Posted by Carmen on April 18, 2013 at 7:22 am

      I totally agree with you @tinypencil4JA! Love you’re username (LOL)

    • Posted by sheila on April 19, 2013 at 11:45 am

      These are AWSOME!!! Thank you so much for this!!!

  2. Posted by mcgee on April 17, 2013 at 4:56 pm

    I want to leave a comment, I really do but I’m laughing to much after reading your post that I can’t think clearly, it’s foggy……………………..oh wait, a clearing……………………… Stabby Demonic Succubus!!!!!!!

    • Posted by margo on April 21, 2013 at 6:32 pm

      OmG…new follower has to 1) catch up 2) catch breath…have to read with gaffaw breaks…wow, you are one talented comedic sharp writer! hope u do this for a living! thx so much for this blog!!

  3. Posted by Mindus on April 17, 2013 at 5:08 pm

    As a new reader, I am now going to have to go back and read the archives on this subject. Stabby Einstein. Perfect.

    • Posted by Cathy on April 20, 2013 at 12:16 am

      I’m right behind you with those archives. This is just too friggin funny!!!

      • Posted by Mindus on April 20, 2013 at 7:15 am

        I so wish I could express myself as well as Eggy! But at least I can appreciate the biting wit. 🙂

  4. Posted by renae on April 17, 2013 at 5:11 pm

    Thank you for your updates. I love your ‘take’ on all things in the courtroom.

  5. Posted by Andrea on April 17, 2013 at 5:17 pm

    I BOW to you sir/mam! I honestly cannot recall the last time I laughed that hard :’-D tears running down my face, boisterously laughing uncontrollably! Thank you. Huge fan. Addicted.

  6. Again Egg, KILLER post!!! (insert small stabby joke here)
    Where do they get all those golf pencils from? I hope from Juan the Man every morning, dumping a bunch on their desk. He would have time to golf and relax and enjoy life without having to contrive lie after lie or pulling out patches of hair like Wilma does every night. Heavy D could have posed for a miniature golf course as Dumbo or Java the Hut though too.
    With #7, I find a good fork in the ears does the trick too. 🙂

  7. Posted by trialjunkie on April 17, 2013 at 5:54 pm

    reading your synopsis of the day,makes the insanity of it allll worthwhile! thanks for sharing such great writing!

  8. Posted by Jasmine on April 17, 2013 at 6:04 pm

    Yes, I know you are “not a dude”, but I’m so in love with you right now. Where have you been all my life?! Simply brilliant, you are.

  9. Posted by Misty on April 17, 2013 at 6:10 pm

    I really love your take on this trial I can’t wait to read your article everyday it’s so funny. It’s also so on point…I just love it,

  10. Hilarious and right on the money. “Stabby Einstein” is classic! lol

  11. Posted by pc on April 17, 2013 at 6:30 pm

    Tell me where you are doing stand up…this is hilarious…a much needed respite from the trial…thanks for sharing this!

  12. Posted by Teresa on April 17, 2013 at 6:34 pm

    Another winner. Stabby that name has me in tears 😂#jodiarias

    • Jinkasaurus. Heavy D Nurmi. Mistress of Juvenilia.
      I have to make sure I’m not consuming liquid while reading her blog. I think I may have peed my pants once, though.

  13. Posted by Rose on April 17, 2013 at 7:51 pm

    Love this update! Much more palatable than the actual trial footage I watched tonight via YouTube.

    BTW, someone on TT caught the prom queen contender calling DeMarte the “B” word under her breath!!!!!

    Stabby might have stabbed herself in the eye with her short little pencil…thus no more trial for the day. Besides that, Willmott needed more time to sharpen up for tomorrow as she could not shake DeMarte at all today!!

  14. Posted by Kathleen Oldfield on April 17, 2013 at 8:18 pm

    Best parody I have read in years!

  15. Posted by Terri Chapman on April 17, 2013 at 9:02 pm

    Thank you for curing the head ache I got from listening to Wilmonts voice today by making me laugh. You are awesome.

    • #7 was my absolute favourite!! I’m taking my computer downstairs right now to read that one to my husband who plugs his ears if Wilnotshutup is trying to ask questions of any witness on the stand (don’t you just loooove Dr. DeMarte?!!!). Oh, and another thing that Wilnotshutup got wrong was when she derided Dr. D. for not knowing that the psychologist who came up with the 6 criteria to identify domestic violence (I forget her name) no longer uses those 6 criteria! That psychologist was on Nancy Grace later that night and she said that she does still use those 6 criteria in her diagnoses and that in her professional opinion she sees no signs of DV in this case to date.

      • Yea that was Lenore Walker and yes a priceless moment LOL

      • Posted by Barbara Burgess on April 21, 2013 at 10:38 am

        I’ll bet even Nancy Grace has figured out that Heavy D Nurmi has his sleepy eyes glued to HLN every night! I, too, loved hearing her guest, Lenore Walker, refute Wilmott’s claim that she no longer uses her 6 criteria for battered woman’s syndrome! ZING!! POW! ZAP!!! I think HLN should keep Nurmi’s watchful eyes in mind, so as not to give him anymore inconceivably minute ridiculous ammunition for another motion for a mistrial.
        I Loooove this cynical satirical view this blogger has of the Arias trial. I look forward to nearly wetting my pants from laughing hysterically everyday when I read each new post! You have to admit, if a person enjoys wetting their pants, it must be really enjoyable to read. To the author, I bow to you and thank profusely for lightening such an awful murder! I hope you continue to blog on this court case because I am addicted to reading it!

  16. Posted by Julie on April 17, 2013 at 9:06 pm

    Hilarious! Thank you…

  17. Posted by Berndatte on April 17, 2013 at 9:16 pm

    Can someone clue me in on the homecoming queen contender thing? Did I miss something? Is this because Wilmott tries to look good? Just trying to get the joke. I get everything else!

    • She comes off (to me at least) as a snotty petulant teenager in dire need of a spotlight. Her emotional maturity level is about on par with a 14 year old dreaming of that crown.

      • Posted by teddymear on April 19, 2013 at 11:48 am

        She comes off that way to me as well, Eggie! The homecoming queen contender fits Wilmott perfectly. She never got over it and is now taking it out on every pretty woman that she comes across e.g. Dr. DeMarte. Unfortunately for the wanna-be homecoming queen, she is once again losing in the talent competition.
        You are a fantastic writer Egg!! So happy that I came across your blog 🙂 I was getting so tried of this trial. I’ve been watching it faithfully since the beginning and it has become so drawn out but I’m hooked. I’m sick to death of all the poop the defense is slinging to avoid the inevitable. Eggie, your sense of humor will make the next couple of weeks go by that much faster as we all await Arias’ fate. Thanks for making me laugh about it today 🙂

      • Posted by Bernadette on April 19, 2013 at 11:00 pm

        thanks for explaining..that does fit!

  18. Brilliant as always – thankyou Eggy.

  19. Posted by 4L150N on April 17, 2013 at 10:12 pm

    Hahahah!! You’re brilliant! Thanks for the comic relief as usual :c)

  20. Posted by Ruby Slippers on April 18, 2013 at 12:30 am

    Love it, love it, love it. You make a day of listening to the Homecoming Queen and watching Stabby scribble & Heavy D pick his nose tolerable.

  21. Oh, sooooo cruel…Ha ha!! LOVE it also…you definitely have a way with words!!

  22. Posted by Ria on April 18, 2013 at 3:55 am

    OMG, this is so hilarious!!! # 6 LOL!!! Maybe everyone can pitch in to buy Nurmi a Snuggie:)

  23. Posted by J on April 18, 2013 at 3:57 am

    Hilarious! My favorite was the part: “Janeen was not a qualified expert due to the absence of “lecturer” on her CV. Perhaps if she had toured to spread the word about battered Disney characters rather than treat patients, she would have more credibility with Team Cosmonaut.” Priceless.

    So glad I was directed to this blog.

  24. Posted by Carmen on April 18, 2013 at 7:26 am

    OMG, you are sooooo talented with your words, I tip my hat to you! Now I’m hooked! I am just ROTF and LMAO!

  25. Posted by Marnie Ginalick on April 18, 2013 at 7:32 am

    Barcalounger….best line of all. I’m waiting for his chair to collapse. My nicknames for the two of them have always been Charlie the Tuna and Gidget. Have neglected to post because back in the day I liked Gidget. Have to admit that wishful prom queen is more fitting.

  26. Posted by barb on April 18, 2013 at 7:39 am

    #7-me too! so funny!

  27. Posted by Tricia on April 18, 2013 at 7:47 am

    Love it ! You are so hilarious – Thank you

  28. Posted by Veronica on April 18, 2013 at 9:14 am

    I love the way you write! Very funny and entertaining.

  29. So, I went to the eye Dr yesterday and went through the whole rigmarole of tests. I was ready to grab the Dr’s crotch if he came any closer to my face with that fricking light. (He wasn’t that attractive)
    I can’t figure out if the butcher is near or far sighted with the taking the glasses off to read and putting them back on to see the jury walking in and looking over them while she is scribbling or drawing. I don’t think she knows either, hence, the claims of the excuse for migraines. I know, take the fake bastards off and end the problem! She is doing this just for attention since she is losing this case and is a loser murderer.
    I think her brain is turning into black rotted mush and wants to get escape her head. I know mine is if this trial doesn’t wrap up pretty GD soon. May she die of lead poisoning from all her stubby pencils. Soon, they will need them to hand out to the jurors to keep their eyes propped open.
    Thanks for keeping us entertained Egg! You are a peach!
    Remember, we’re all in this together. 😉

  30. I’d call Stabby Einstein’s blouse a smokey puce.

  31. I laughed so hard I damn near peed my pants LOLLLL

  32. Posted by lifebylisa on April 18, 2013 at 10:00 am

    This is great…hilarious and accurate. I’m not alone in what I’m seeing in this trial, whew! I definitely saw a touch of Mean Girls from the defense, with Jodi trying to find her happy place. Hopefully some of the mainstream news will just read your blog as you’ve nailed the true dynamics at play. Definitely found a new fan…keep up the good work.

  33. Posted by Katharine B. on April 18, 2013 at 10:02 am

    Thank you for your brilliant blog(s)! Very, very funny–and on the money. Kudos.

  34. Omg- that is the funniest thing I’ve read all year! – especially Heavy D wearing pajamas. You are hilarious! Thanks for a much needed laugh this morning!

  35. Posted by fillymj on April 18, 2013 at 10:52 am

    Egg ……. you are pure gold!! Love that I got to this blog & looking forward to future readings.

  36. Posted by Lillie on April 18, 2013 at 11:43 am

    Great blog!! I loved reading it and now I think I’m just as addicted to this page as I am to this stupid trial.

  37. Note to Wilma: Yes, it is true that you can not receive information, interview, or talk to a dead person, BECAUSE THEY ARE DEAD!! AH,HAHAHAHA!!!! What a flipping tard!!!
    OMG, I spit out my coffee hearing that one today! The look on Janeen’s face was priceless!! 🙂

  38. Posted by Redrelaxed on April 18, 2013 at 3:53 pm

    Eggy, soooo happy to see you back with us during the St. Jodi of Arias trial. Been missing you since “she who shall remain nameless” baby killer. Thank the lawd you have been lured back in…you make it all bearable. Funny smart eggy!

  39. Posted by RiverSong on April 18, 2013 at 11:00 pm

    This blog is golden!

  40. Posted by a bystander on April 19, 2013 at 3:06 am

    Your articles are a beauty to behold, much like witness for the prosecution DeMarte.

  41. Posted by Maritza Vazquez on April 19, 2013 at 3:41 am

    One thing that came to mind when Jenny Willymont was questioning JD’s credentials and education was when LaToilette said that she had studied at a community college.

  42. You need to be getting paid, well, for this. What you write is almost exactly the same as my inner monologues while watching, and I mean verbatim.

  43. Monologue, not monologues obviously. By definition.

  44. Stumbled upon this blog when it was posted on my facebook page from another site. Boy am I glad I clicked on the link! Awesome!!

  45. Posted by Shurt on April 19, 2013 at 4:58 am

    Thank you for your blogs! This trial has made the true victim look like the perpetrator, and it becomes so frustrating! To give us a laugh during the insanity of it all is a wonderful gift! Thank you!

  46. Posted by Rebecca on April 19, 2013 at 5:48 am

    Thank you for a much needed laugh this morning! Keep it up! 🙂

  47. Posted by Denise on April 19, 2013 at 6:25 am

    Look up the Hodi Anus parody on youtube….It’s hilarious!

  48. Posted by Barbara on April 19, 2013 at 7:02 am

    AWESOME writings….very funny..thank you!

  49. Dearest EggTree, I’m not usually a blog reader, or should I say I used to not be before this trial started and I started reading Travis’ blogs (as to gain more insight of the man he was)….. Then when someone posted your blog(s) on a support Travis like page and I came here to read it, and was able to see all the others you wrote as well, I was very impressed and instantly fell in-love with your writings. You are Very Smart, Wity & On Point!! I even as much registered on the Word Press site, so that I could like on and commnet on your blogs. Just have to say you do a Wonderfully Amazing job with these articles… I TOTALLY LOVE THEM!! I can’t wait to go back (when I have more ‘free’ time) to read the older stuff in the archives, bc I’m sure they are ALL GOOD too!! Keep up the Great Work & I look forward to reading future blogs as well!! Many HUGS to ya!! ❤

  50. Posted by laura on April 19, 2013 at 7:17 am

    Just found this blog…hilarious! Will be reading all this weekend!

  51. On #10 — doesn’t it happen every Wednesday?? Midweek madwoman fatigue setting in? It is difficult for her to try to pretend like she is a normal meek human being for hours on end day after day………….

  52. You r Hilarious!!!

  53. Posted by Cindy A. on April 19, 2013 at 9:32 am

    YOU are AMAZINGGGGGGGGG!! Let’s see, betond funny, intelligent, entertaining, witty. shall I go on? Seriuosly, thank you for this. I needed a great laugh!

  54. Posted by Christine Yanen on April 19, 2013 at 10:22 am

    Love reading your blog! Thought you might be interested to know that the Juan-a-be Homecoming Queen had an arrest for possession of mariJUANa in 2008. Thought you might like to throw that into your mix. Excellent writing.

  55. I just found your blog and I love your oh so accurate description of everything!!!! Stabby Einstein, that in and of itself is an oh so Einstein Epic name!!!

  56. Actually, I don’t believe JW would fit through a doggie door!

  57. Posted by jenniferlyn on April 19, 2013 at 6:34 pm

    Stabby’s demeanor when Dr DeMarte took the stand was ridiculous! It could not have been more obvious that she’d decided not to give the good Dr even a smidge of her (valuable) attention. Instead, she scribbled away furiously at what I can only assume are candid sketches of an unrequited love…oh wait, that’s Martinez…

  58. I just read about your hilarious blog on the Juan Martinez Support FB page and now have another addiction!! Your writing and the nicknames you have given all the “dense” (defense) players are witty, derisive and spot on!! I look forward to spending more time reading your blogs each day after trial! Keep up the great work! ❤

  59. Posted by HahahaWellDone on April 20, 2013 at 6:58 pm

    Thanks for the ROTFL session. You are a genius.

  60. Newly registered to eggtree. Thank you for such an entertaining perspective.

  61. Posted by reallybigmeandog on April 21, 2013 at 10:17 am

    nother killer blog eggy. Here’s my weekend entry. Hope you laugh. I did while I was writing it. http://reallybigmeandog.wordpress.com/

  62. I’ve been loving your blog for awhile now. You should write for HuffPost crime!

  63. Posted by Monte baby on April 23, 2013 at 7:41 pm

    U make me laugh so hard that I cry and then lose control of my bladder.

  64. Posted by Theresa Evans Fields on April 25, 2013 at 1:34 am

    Hilarious!

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