-Back Up the Rabbit Hole, Arizona
The mushroom trip finally ended yesterday when the defense rested their fairytale in chief, and Martinez called his first rebuttal witness. Janeen DeMarte, a psychologist who did NOT attend the Mad Hatter Kool Aid party and has no affiliation with Wonderland or Snow White, took the stand and dismantled the defense’s case in a matter of hours. She believes Wednesday Addams disguised as Ugly Betty actually has Borderline Personality Disorder. And Homecoming Queen contender Jenny Wilmott and her stabby My Twin doll Jodi are NOT having any of it. Hide the pencils, somebody.
1. As one spectator put it, “What makes Janeen a great witness for the state is that she’s logical, straight forward, and able to back up her assessment with solid evidence. And she’s sober, which is a refreshing change coming down from that awful mushroom high.” Indeed, she’s like a B-12 shot straight to the dome during a hangover. She outlined the criteria for BPD, which is rooted in a neurotic fear of abandonment, and marked by emotional immaturity, insecurity, instability, impulsivity, stalking, and explosive fits of anger. Throughout her direct testimony yesterday, Stabby avoided all eye contact with her, and instead scribbled furiously with a palpable rage, stopping intermittently to whisper in Jenny’s ear and roll her eyes. You know, like your typical meek battered woman.
2. Then Homecoming Queen Contender Jenny launched in to cross examine her perceived arch rival for the crown. The condescending Mean Girl started off fumbling an attack on DeMarte’s credentials, as an obnoxious Stabby sneered from the defense table, and Heavy D Nurmi smirked as if anticipating a hilarious “Yo Mama” joke at Janeen’s expense. DeMarte didn’t flinch. She even corrected a kerflunkled Jenny multiple times regarding Arizona’s laws for licensing psychologists. Derrrrrrp!
2. Super professional Jenny then informed her that wackadoodle defense expert LaViolette received her license all the way back in 1980. “What were YOU doing in 1980,” she asked the 32 year old whipper snapper. “Were YOU supervising other doctors back then,” she inquired snidely. No, you petulant Mistress of Juvenilia, she was not a psychology expert from the cradle. But she’s still more credible and objective than your slapdash manhater Alyce. Thanks for pointing that out. At this point, Jodi shot seething death rays at DeMarte while sharpening her pencil collection.
3. Then Stabby Einstein covertly flipped the bird at Janeen. Or maybe it was meant for Nancy Grace again. Whatever, I’m sure she’ll explain herself later on Twitter.
4. Uh oh…Homecoming Queen contender Jenny and nemesis DeMarte unintentionally match today. Both chose a black and white ensemble for today’s showdown, and we all know that’s a catfight waiting to happen. To make matters worse, Jodi is the odd wingnut out in muddy green. For someone with neurotic fears of abandonment, this last minute costume clash could push her over the edge. Somebody slip her a tranquilizer or strap her to the chair Hannibal Lecter style, because her empty stare is freaking everyone out.
5. Jenny whined for a spell about DeMarte earning $300 an hour, which according to Jenny is indicative of secondary gain. Ironically, she, Heavy D Nurmi, and LaViolette all earn more, so she should probably stop her hypocritical song and dance about draining taxpayers (who are sitting on the jury, by the way). She also suggested Janeen was not a qualified expert due to the absence of “lecturer” on her CV. Perhaps if she had toured to spread the word about battered Disney characters rather than treat patients, she would have more credibility with Team Cosmonaut. Try as she might to imitate barky Martinez, Catty Jenny just cannot rattle Janeen’s cage.
6. Nurmi needs a barkalounger, preferably with a massage pillow, and an aromatherapeutic neck wrap. He may as well come to court in his jammies at this point. Let Jenny text him from the sidebars with updates. He’s got snoozing to do.
7. It’s official: I would rather listen to Freddy Kruger’s nails on a chalkboard, while stabbing myself in the eyeball repeatedly with a rusty nail, while inhaling a swarm of gnats after stepping in dog vomit, than listen to Jenny’s voice.
8. Apparently, after diagnosing Jodi with BPD, DeMarte’s home was broken into, and her laptop was stolen. My money is on Wilmott. I could see her squeezing through the doggy door in all black, and snatching that computer to look for pictures of Janeen’s Homecoming dress. The crown will be defended at ANY cost.
9. Lawdy lawdy, DeMarte is better prepared than Wilmott, who keeps slamming face first into brick walls while chasing her tail, and at times doesn’t seem to understand her own questions. Her inability to phase Janeen in any way whatsoever sends her flying around the courtroom like a rapidly deflating balloon. All the while, a dead eyed Jodi stares straight ahead with drool dripping out one side of her mouth.
10. So court ended abruptly today because poor Stabby has yet another conveniently timed migraine. I didnt know demons could get headaches, let alone migraines induced by their lawyer’s incompetence. I love learning new things.